I feel like I have NO support.

Parents Forum
1

<p>PLEASE, I need advice and a little support...
Instead of writing to you all about everything in my life, I'll provide you with a little bit of what is going on in my life. I am a transfer student from Emmanuel College in Boston Mass. and the reason why I transfered from EC was becasue of anxiety and other medical issues. I transferred to a community college near home, however it really isnt up to par. I was a good student in H.S. however, my grades were lacking during my sr. year because it was the time where my medical problems were peaking. I feel no sense of support from my parents. They want me to live at home for the next year and a half; however, I want to complete this semester at community college and transfer. My first semester at EC was pretty bad. I had recieved an incomplete from one class, 2 C's, and a D. I hate blaming this on my illness, but it made my life as a student a living nightmare. Right now I know I want to go to a large college/university a ways from home, preferrably VT or NY, and possibly back in Boston. Here are my worries: </p>

<p>-If I were to transfer from CC to another college, my parents will cut me off permanently and wouldn't lend me any money to go to school, so I will have to fund my whole education myself. This is hard to believe because I don't have a job as of yet; however, I have a few PT jobs lined up for me to save a little extra cash. </p>

<ul>
<li>My grades are horrible. Not ONE grade I recieved is practical or even praise-worthy. I did have numerous achievements in H.S. and I have loads of Extracurricular Activities that I could give as reassurance that I can be an amazing student, it's just that my anxiety/depression, or w/e you want to call it, has dug me into a huge hole and I'm not sure how to get out of it. </li>
</ul>

<p>-Parents, Will I ever get out of my house by Fall 06? Will I have a chance to get accepted as a transfer student somewhere else? Is it possible to fund my education on my own, without my parents? I don't know what to do, I just know that I want an education AWAY from home, and in the college/university that I can respect and feel at home. Thank you for any help you can send my way, I appreciate it. </p>

<p>-Bryan</p>

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<p>Bryan - I completely understand your wanting to be in residence at a college rather than back at home with the parents. When my S was evacuated due to Katrina, one of the worst parts - believe it or not - was that short week where he was back at home, not sure where he would land for the fall semester. Finding a host school where he could live on campus was a big step forward. So I truly can imagine how you feel.</p>

<p>My thought, though, is that the plan of staying at the cc through your sophomore year may really be the quickest and most effective way to get you what you want. I suggest this because you have noted that none of your grades are praiseworthy and, although good hs achievements and ECs are nice, I think your college record will really hinder your transfer to a place you will be happy at.</p>

<p>I think your goal is right on target ("an education away from home and in the college/university that I can respect and feel at home.'). But I think your timeline of getting there by fall 06 may be too tight. I hope you are feeling well enough to take step 1 toward digging out of the hole you feel you are in; step 1 being achieving good grades at your current cc. Once you have 2 semesters of a good cc record, achieving your transfer goal will be a lot easier.</p>

<p>To make it more palatable, I suggest you brainstorm - and maybe we can help you here - ways to make living at home for the next couple of terms more palatable. Maybe setting up your living space/room a little more like an apartment - microfridge or whatever and do your own meal prep? is there a space with a separate entrance, maybe? Perhaps your parents would even consider your finding a roommate and apartment for the remaining time at the cc? Maybe they feel, like I, that earning a good academic record there is what you need to achieve your goals. If you agree to do that, perhaps moving out of the house is something you and they can negotiate.</p>

<p>Good luck and do keep us posted. "support 'R us" here in the Parent Forum.</p>

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<p>Bryan -</p>

<p>I admire the maturity you are showing for recognizing and bringing the problems you face to this board for help. It's a smart thing. :)</p>

<p>I am a parent, who has a son about your age. He is a high school senior, who is experiencing many of the same challenges that you are experiencing. So I can see things from his side and yours.</p>

<p>First, recognize that the way things are now is not the way they will always be. Things will get better. But recognize too, that things can't be rushed.</p>

<p>You say that you're a great student, and I believe that...after all you're obviously smart enough to bring your concerns here and to have been in college. However, along the way anxiety and depression...two illnesses that many, many people face (my son and me included)...reared their ugly heads and made life difficult for you. That can happen. As I understand it too, that caused you to leave EC with some bad grades and switch to a CC, closer to home, where you may still be having some difficulty. That can happen too. Along the way, you feel that your parents have been less than supportive.</p>

<p>Now, what you'd like is to see yourself in a large university setting far away from home, and if your parents don't want to pay for this, you're thinking of paying for it yourself.</p>

<p>Let me jump in here, Bryan, and speak to you from the heart as if you were my own dear son.</p>

<p>Growing up, as you know, isn't easy. I'm sure your generation has a lot more stress and strain than mine (I'm 57) ever did. All those demands and decisions can lead to tremendous anxiety and depression. Plus that great desire to succeed in all those ways that young adults wish to succeed sometimes can set up pretty unrealistic expectations and disappointments. Living away from home without the quiet comfort of knowing that mom and dad are there, even if not a word is spoken, can be a big loss. Plus, my son tells me that at times it's even more difficult for a guy who must always seem in control.</p>

<p>I know it must have been very difficult for you to leave college and return to CC...not exactly the path you wished, but certainly a safer and less stressful one. You need time to decompress and heal. You need time for the anxiety and depression to be resolved and for you to sort things out with a therapist. You are what's important now...not your education. Your have plenty of time ahead of you to pursue your dreams. But to pursue them, and to enjoy that pursuit, you need to be a whole human being, not a struggling one. A stressful environment right now would destabilize you too much, dear, and make your recovery much more difficult. And, it would increase the possibility of more bad grades and bad academic and social experiences that would hurt your self-esteem. And, I want better for you, because you deserve better.</p>

<p>I know how much you want to move away from home and be out on your own. But, you must be really ready to do that. Again, the demands of college, as you know, can set you back tremendously. Before you return to a university environment, please be sure than the anxiety and depression issues are well resolved and that you have pre-established on-campus mental health counseling for yourself for spot sessions so that you can withstand the inevitable stresses and strains of a new environment and new challenges.</p>

<p>As far as loans and work are concerned, I would advise against them, Bryan. As you return to a normal youthful life, you need to gradually, not suddenly, resume a full workload...that workload should be academic, atheletic (if you choose), and social in nature. Part-time work may be an option, once you can show that you can handle the basics well and over a period of time, but I advise you not to consider burdening yourself with loans (and certainly not overwhelming debt) so early in life. Coming off a bout of anxiety and depression, you will still be fragile for a period of time, and will want to treat yourself kindly, gradually building your tolerance for life's challenges. You want to gradually restore yourself to mental, emotional, physical, and academic health. Don't jeopardize that, please.</p>

<p>As for mom and dad. I'm sure that although you might not believe what I'm about to say...I'm sure your parents love you dearly, but might not be able to show it in the way you need to see it right now. It's very hard for parents to find that perfect mix of letting go, yet protecting our offspring. We love to see you soar and become young adults, but we are enormously sad to see you guys suffer all the pangs of leaving the nest. I'm sure your parents want to help you, but they're not sure how. I'm sure they'd love to see you succeed at university, but they don't want to see the university experience crush you before you're ready to withstand its demands. And that's probably the reason why they do not wish to fund your education away from home at this time. My guess is the 1-1/2 yrs at home is intended to get you well and be successful at CC, so that you can move on to the next stage of your life.</p>

<p>Bryan, I know that you probably feel that tomorrow will never come soon enough, but try to dig into your counseling (and I hope you're with a therapist who you really like and who will help you get over this minor set back...and that's all it will ever be), find something worthwhile to do and experience, and remember that this time at CC and doing ECs and volunteer work or something you have a burning desire to do will make you better prepared and more attractive to more schools out there.</p>

<p>You remind me so much of my own son. I really do understand how you're feeling and probably how your mom and dad are feeling too. You want your future now...they want to make sure you're sound and ready for that future so that it'll absolutely be the bright one you want.</p>

<p>Please write back, and let us know how you're doing. We care about you and your future.</p>

4

<p>Grades aren't everything, grades are the only thing.</p>

5

<p>Bryan,</p>

<p>I'm truly sorry you have to go through this, but keep in mind that nothing is put in our path that we can't handle. Think of what you've encountered as not a failure or setback, but proof of your strong character! </p>

<p>I don't know first-hand how you feel, but my sister had/has almost identical issues to yourself. My younger sister (now 22), was diagnosed with the whole array of mental and physical illnesses in her later years of high school. When she was diagnosed with anxiety her senior year, she was placed on a medication (the name of which escapes my mind at this time...but is commonly prescribed) and the negative effects required her to change her schedule to only have half-day school. Her grades also fell the last few years (esp. senior year) due to her illnesses and it even limited her ability to take the SAT's properly (she fell asleep during one of the sections due to that aforementioned medication). </p>

<p>After high school, she attended the local state school, and had similar problems. The reason she went to the local university was to make sure she kept her problems in check and could have moral support of my parents a quick drive away. That first year she had to withdraw from numerous classes and make arrangements with professors to make up gobs of work in others. </p>

<p>However, with time, her problems became more under control and she was doing much better in school. She even got to the point where she wanted to transfer to another state school to pursue her passion, phys ed. Last spring (her junior year...probably sophomore by credit...), she had even applied for transfer and was accepted into the program for this fall (she has just under a 3.0, like a 2.97). When fall came around, she was so comfortable where she was with her friends and boyfriend, that she didn't end up transferring and is now working full-time at a local daycare center. She's taking this time to reflect and decide what she really wants to do with her life, her passion of phys ed. or her other love of elem. ed. </p>

<p>My parents have been supportive of her the whole time and were also worried when she wanted to go away for school. However, the one piece of advice I must give you is to make sure you have full control of your problems before you get back into the swing of things full-time. That was the turning point where my parents would accept her going away for college. </p>

<p>Sage44 has given you some excellent advice on what your approach should be to get back into school. Remember, everybody has a different life path with twists and curves, don't try to do a short-cut because you are getting impatient. Just like in cars, short-cuts can bit you in the butt big-time!</p>

<p>If you absolutely can't stand living with your parents right now, find a job that can support you in an apartment. If you can support yourself in an apartment, while going to CC, it will go a long way towards showing them that you are ready to go away to college again. </p>

<p>Also, does your CC have any partnerships with universities/colleges that would guarentee acceptance with a certain number of credits with such and such GPA? If so, I'd look into it...or if there is a local university within short driving distance (say an hour or so), transferring there, move on campus, and get back into the swing of things there. </p>

<p>Hopefully you can find middle ground with your parents! Trust their instincts and don't rush into things. It doesn't mean you can't get out of the house, it just means you'll have to work harder to do so for their blessings. </p>

<p>Good luck with everything...and sorry for getting a little off-topic for a bit there about my sister, I wanted to show you that you can acheive fulfillment and happiness! :)</p>

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<p>Sage44, Thank you so much for the advice. I def. will be using it now for guidance, as well as Ophiolite. Thanks for sharing your stories, they have given me a little proof that things will work out if I give it time. Jmmom, thanks for the advice, and I will def. be sticking around CollegeConfidential for a little bit! Thanks again guys!</p>

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<p>Bryan -</p>

<p>You're welcome! Remember that if you ever need to talk, your friends here on this board are only a post or a PM away. Please let us know how you're doing as time goes on. We care about you! :)</p>

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<p>Go to a different JC. Start completely over. When you apply to schools, do NOT list the first JC you attended. </p>

<p>Simple.</p>

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<p>wacklcraca--jmmom, sage and ophiolite have given you some amazing insight and advice. All I can say is, even though your CC isn't that great, get everything out of it that you can. Do what you need to do to have a good base for transferring--mainly, do what you need to do to get good grades in your classes. And it sounds like the classes may be a little easy? If so, that frees up some time. Use that time to get involved in something that gives you joy (and will keep you from dwelling on the fact that for now you have to live at home)--I don't know what that would be--music? sports? running? swimming? going to a gym and working out? some sort of book club? volunteering somewhere? a part-time job? theatre? art? sailing? yoga? Try something you've never done before, maybe. Try to find a balance of activities so that you feel good about yourself but don't get so busy that that you're stressing yourself out. Also use this time to observe yourself--does anything you're doing make you feel better or worse--do you do better in certain kinds of environments? Really use this time to think about the school that you want to transfer to, and think about what you need to do differently in order to have a different experience (success!) when you tranfer. Also, watch your habits, what you eat, how much sleep you get, and notice how these things affect you. For instance, do you drink, and does it make things worse (if so don't drink!). Try experimenting with your diet--make changes and see if that affects how you feel. Maybe too much fast food? I noticed with my little girl that she was eating a certain soup everyday, and she started to spiral downward, and so I changed her lunch and she perked back up (our family is sensitive to additives in food. That may or may not apply to you, but is worth checking out. ) Most importantly, accept that you have your own unique limitations and strengths, and recognize that you need to come up with a plan for living for yourself that recognizes both. And most of all be patient with yourself. Give the good things time to happen. Things will get better! Never give up on yourself. Never.</p>

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<p>Bryan,</p>

<p>Thanks for the kind words! I love to share if people are willing to listen, which you are :D</p>

<p>
[quote]
Try experimenting with your diet--make changes and see if that affects how you feel.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This is an excellent suggestion! One of the turning points in getting my sister's mood and health under control was when she started introducting meat into her diet again (she was a vegetarian for probably 8 years, she started with small amounts of chicken and now can even eat beef). If you aren't getting enough of a certain essential (protein in her case) it can really affect your life!</p>

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<p>Bryan, I guess I'm wondering if you have sought treatment and are in counseling. If not, that's the first priorty way ahead of college or anything else. Without treatment, nothing will change. I am sure your parents are worried because the stress of college life creates so much more pressure and increased incidents of depression and suicide. can you blame them for worrying? I know you want to be out on your own, but if you suffer from major depression or other psychiatric problems, rushing out again to the same circumstance is not the answer. get your GPA up at the community college, like another poster said, don't even put down the first school on subsequent colleges and eventually if you and your counselor feel your disorder is under control then venture out. don't try and do it without your major support systems, your parents. first, seek medical advice. you haven't mentioned that, and that concerns me.</p>

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<p>Thank you guys for the replies, it's great to hear it all, and I've realized that it's all about the same, meaning that this advice is something
I should really consider. I'm a tad confused though. When I apply to another college/university, I shouldn't even put that I attended Emmanuel College? It seems odd, but if thats what you're supposed to do. Thanks again!</p>

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<p>wacki - I don't believe that would be correct. I believe you need to list every college/university you've attended when you apply to transfer. You can look at each application carefully, but all that I have seen specifically require you to list every institution you have attended, whether degree-seeking or not.</p>

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<p>We conquered Anxiety in one of our family members with a combination of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and a drug prescription. Granted that our case was mild (I think, judging by it going away over a course of 9 months or so), but even that was more dibilitating that one can imagine.</p>

<p>Relaxation techniques and exercises seemed to especially help. Anxiety is one of those things that can spiral out of control and the loss of control leads to even more anxiety. Here's a really, really high level overview of CBT:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.anxietynetwork.com/hcbt.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.anxietynetwork.com/hcbt.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>.</p>

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<p>Bryan,</p>

<p>May I suggest the following:</p>

<p>First, rather than attempt to make these various decisions on your own, please allow your therapist to handle your treatment. He or she is best skilled to assess your particular situation and to pull together the team of professionals you need to get you back on track. That's one less thing you need to concern yourself with.</p>

<p>Second, regarding your return to college down the road, if your family can afford a meeting with an reputable educational consultant (and a session or two isn't that much) who can advise you how to best handle your re-entry into the educational arena, I highly recommend it. Also, the person may have some contacts at a school you're interested in and can present your case in a more positive light to someone with whom he/she has build up some trust. That relatively small investment would take an enormously emotional burden off your and your parent's shoulders. That person would also give you sound advise about how to present your very unique set of circumstances. When the time comes, you or your parents might seek advice about how to go about finding the right person on this board.</p>

16

<p>You are SUPPOSED to list every college or school that you have attended. </p>

<p>You do not HAVE to.</p>

<p>I will make this into an analogy:</p>

<p>You are SUPPOSED to obey the speed limit.</p>

<p>You do not HAVE to.</p>