<p>I'm in my fourth semester at a large state university, a couple states away from where I live. Every day here is a constant struggle.
Sometimes I feel like killing myself, other times I feel like jumping on a plane to see my family(whom I really miss, although I dont tell them). The only reason I stay, I guess, is that the school I'm at is really good for my major. I'm currently taking 20 credits, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm doing it just to smother myself in books, and have an excuse not to go out.</p>
<p>I've had trouble for years now making friends, or more basically, starting conversations. I try joining clubs, but everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel left out. I've though about a frat(I'm a guy obviously), but I'm very very shy to begin with. I'm currently in counseling at my school, but I feel like its going nowhere. I still do not have a single friend at this school. Even my roommate and I barely talk(usually once/twice a week)...I'm halfway in tears writing this question.</p>
<p>What do you suggest I do for myself?
thank you</p>
<p>I've posted this in another section for a variety of opinions - sorry if that annoys you</p>
<p>Tell your family you miss them. Never underestimate the comfort a family can bring. Ask your mom to send you something home, anything. Ask her to surprise you, it will give you something to look forward. It will give you something fun to look forward to which can help you get through the other stuff. If she sends cookies--share with your roommate for a little bonding. Good luck.</p>
<p>are there any clubs or groups related to your major. Finding a like minded soul might be the easiest fit.</p>
<p>I've always been insecure. But I've figured out that if I project (ok, fake) a different side of myself that is 'out of the my comfort zone', around people I don't know, I tend to do much better.</p>
<p>In other words, If you walk in a room and think "nobody will like me", then you are not projecting a good aura. I'm not saying to be a fake. It just helps me break the ice if I don't walk into a situation with the "I am scared to be here and you might not like me" look on my face.</p>
<p>People who don't know you won't have a preconceived notion. I've used this strategy when I have to travel and teach a class.</p>
<p>Jake-
My heart goes out to you. Take a deep breath. What you are feeling right now is bad, but every day you wake up its a new day. I have no answers, but a few ideas:
1. Change your counselor to someone who understands shyness better or who you feel connects with you better.
2. Change comes in really small steps. As yourself: what's one thing I could do today to make myself feel better? Do it, you deserve some joy. Just one thing, something you love. A massage, a walk, an icecream something. Put more activities in your life that give you joy. Can you re-evaluate the 20 units? Less units=more time for joy.
3. Instead of focusing on what you dont have, build on what you do have. You are really good at your major, right? Maybe someone to study with that intrigues you? Surely someone will want to study with you...
4. Check out activities within your major dept that you could participate in.
5. Volunteer on campus or in the community- it always puts a smile in my heart to do something for others.
6. Reach out to your RA, your neighbor, someone with a kind heart. I bet if you open up to someone, you will feel better. Take it small steps.
7. Set up some short and long term goals for yourself. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? Make a plan that you think is achievable.</p>
<p>There is no magic wand here, just take it one step at a time.
Here's a digital hug...</p>
<p>How long have you been seeing your counseling? Have you told the counselor the above?</p>
<p>I strongly suggest that you see a doctor and get medical tests to see if there's a clinical cause for what may be depression. Just because one is shy doesn't mean that one would feel like killing themselves.</p>
<p>Talk to your counselor, too, about whether your counselor feels you are clinically depressed. If so, typically therapy plus medication is the best treatment. </p>
<p>If you are very depressed, just getting help for shyness wouldn't be enough help. </p>
<p>If shyness is really your main problem, getting help with social skills could be useful as shyness is one of the easiest mental health problems to treat. Also check the website shyness.com.</p>
<p>I used to be extremely shy, and didn't realize that I also was suffering from depression.</p>
<p>To add to the excellent advice above, have you thought about reducing your study hours a bit and getting an on-campus job? A job has the benefit of working with people on a different level, having work peers you can possibly associate with, give you some more real world experience in a job, and give you some spending money to boot.</p>
<p>I second ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad's suggestion, getting a job will get you out interacting with people -- try working in a restaurant, they are very social places.</p>
<p>Good suggestions above. Here's a few more: Drop one of your classes and sign up for some new physical activity where everyone is a beginner: learn any new sport that requires a partner, ballroom dancing, etc..and the extra exercize is good for your physical and mental health and will help you sleep better. Join a group that does trips together: skiing, biking, hiking, outdooring. It's okay to be a beginner-there will be others like you. If you are religious, join a group associated with your faith. By now, everyone in the clubs may know each other, but talk to one of the club leaders and offer to help out. Talk to the RA in your dorm and offer to help organize something as a way of getting to know more people-they will be sympathetic to the desire to 'expand' your social circle. Lots of students discover, at some time during their four years, that they need a change in social scene. Offer to tutor kids in a class that you did especially well in: The profs and TAs often appreciate the help-you'll meet people and develop some relationships with the faculty. Find a research project that you can sign on for and meet others who share your academic interests. I worked at the international student center at my school and met every single foreign student, befriended many and ended up dating several-foreign students are a long way from home and looking to meet Americans.</p>
<p>I feel badly for the OP. Is there a possibility of switching counselors if you don't feel you're making progress with the current one? Also have you been evaluated for depression and whether medicine would be appropriate?</p>
<p>That said, threads like this pop up from time to time and it seems like they inexorably follow the same sad course. First comes a bunch of replies with germane suggestions and alternatives. Call this stage A. Then the OP replies and turns them all down. No I can't do this, not interested in that, tried the other thing once and it didn't work out so it's a waste of time and I'm not doing it again. Stage B. At which point people write with some exasperation and say in effect "look, if you're not going to change anything, how do you expect your life to change?" Stage C, after which interest in the thread fades away. I hope the OP is the exception, but I think these threads serve more a cathartic purpose than anything else.</p>
<p>Been there. Done that. I think getting a job is a good idea. I think you should work food service. You are always working around another person. Force your self to make small talk. The more you practice, the better you get.</p>
<p>Get to class 2-3 minutes before it starts. After other people have started arriving. Force yourself to sit next to someone and make small talk about the last class, homework, or something that happened at school. It helps knowing that you only have to make conversation for 1 or 2 minutes.</p>
<p>Also, try joining a study group for one or more of your classes. Even if you don't need their help, they may appreciate yours. It also helps to understand something better if you have to explain it to someone else. If you are really good at your class, find a cute girl to study with. She will have no problem using you for your brains, and you gain confidence being around cute girls (that's the quid pro quo). If you are lucky she may give you tips on how to hit up on other chicks.</p>
<p>I'm not sure how to go about finding a new counselor. It might feel like a slap in the face to my counselor now, but I'll try talking to the director of counseling services in the near-future.
I'll think about dropping the extra course and possibly picking up a tutoring job with math or something.</p>
<p>sonssecty, my roommate stays in his friends' rooms across the hall most of the time, but I dont think we're that compatible anyway...</p>
<p>i know its a little awkward to hear a thread like this, but I felt there might be some valuable advice to be had from parents/parents of college students.</p>
<p>Jake, the last thing you need to be worried about is offending your counselor if you decide a change is necessary! Just take care of <strong>you</strong>.</p>
<p>These threads have probably heard close to everything. We don't mind awkward.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice to tell your family "I miss you". Admitting it to them will probably relieve some of the pressure you feel, too.</p>
<p>"'m not sure how to go about finding a new counselor. It might feel like a slap in the face to my counselor now, but I'll try talking to the director of counseling services in the near-future."</p>
<p>Usually, the best place to start is with your current counselor: Telling them that you're disappointed in your slow progress. Perhaps the counselor could use some other counseling methods with you that might fit your needs better. Perhaps, too, you're overlooking some significant progress that you've made. If one is depressed, everything can look bleak.</p>
<p>If you're not comfortable talking to your counselor about your concerns about the treatment, then talk with their supervisor.</p>
<p>Regardless of what you do with the above, it would be a good idea to get a thorough medical evaluation to see if there's any medical cause for what may be a serious depression.</p>
<p>Instead of getting a job, have you considered becoming a student tutor? That's one really good way to meet people on a one on one basis. No reason a peer tutor can't be a friend as well... I know one person, who was like you an extremely shy student who had trouble adjusting socially, who met his girlfriend this way!</p>
<p>One other thing you could try, either at club meetings or in class, is to make a conscious effort to sustain a relationship with anyone you do have a nice conversation with. One of my closest friends is a girl I met casually during a meal. We had a really nice discussion, and if had been up to me, that would have been it. But she e-mailed me the next day and suggested we meet for lunch, and a real friendship developed.</p>
<p>And yes, you probably will have to make that extra effort to start a discussion, and those discussions will frequently be awkward. But all you really need are a couple of good friends. </p>
<p>Right now, the depression might just be so overwhelming that you can't take these steps, and if that is, maybe you should take some time off. Depression isn't your fault, and it needs to be treated like any other illness.</p>
<p>Pleas, please do not consider writing life off as worthless. Being shy is an obstacle that can be overcome, depression can be overcome, and just because you haven't found your niche at one point in your life doesn't mean you never will.</p>
<p>Hi Jake-
I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. You have been given good advice here. Suicide is not the answer- taking care of YOU is the answer. 20 credits? Drop down to a more manageable schedule. Job/tutor is a great way to meet people. Tell your family you miss them. They probably already sense you're unhappiness.<br>
It is very important for you to remember that this struggle will pass. It may take time but the sun will come up!! There is someone else on that campus that is feeling exactly like you are right now. Is there group counseling available? Maybe you could ask about that and if not, perhaps suggest it! How great would it be for the school to offer group support for shy kids all struggling with the issue? Might be worth exploring.</p>
<p>Great advice here. Hang in there, Jake - we're rooting for you, and you can turn this situation around.</p>
<p>What about volunteering at a large group activity that requires some physical work? Habitat for Humanity, building a playground for a local school or community, even campus repairs? Colleges almost always have frequent opportunities for this kind of thing. There's an open conversation atmosphere at these activities, even if many of the participants already know each other. And even if the event is sponsored by a particular group, they'll be glad to have another pair of hands to share the workload. Check at the student activities website or student center.</p>
<p>You really aren't the only college student who has ever felt this way. One last suggestion - don't worry about your counselor's feelings if you decide to find someone more suitable. The counselor/patient relationship is about the patient's needs. Any professional will understand that. Best of luck!</p>
<p>If you check the CC archives, you'll see that you're not alone. At least once a month a student posts here or in College Life about not having friends, not finding a place in college, etc. Lots of people go through what you're experiencing, and things really can get better.</p>