I talked to my daughter for the first time since she’s been at college. She said that there are a lot of kids that went home for the holiday over the weekend. Her roommate lives close by and has some friends at the school that she went to high school with. So she already knows a lot of people. My daughter has been hanging out a little bit with her roommate and her friends but feels awkward since they’ve all known each other for such a long time. She told me that her dorm was pretty much empty. I felt terrible that she was by herself. I told her she could go ask some other people to do some thing. She says she has but nobody’s asking her to hang out in return and she doesn’t want to seem like she’s needy and asking other people to hang out all the time. She’s interested in rushing and she’s been doing that but she’s worried she won’t get into a house. Needless to say she obviously feeling insecure about not fitting in anywhere in college. She had kind of a tough time at the end of high school with her group of friends when they basically turned on her and ignored her. I told her that college is different and that people are mature and that she will find a group where she fits in. Unfortunately, that’s not happening right now. I know she’s anxious and I’m anxious for her and I know it’s only the beginning but I’m having a rough time dealing with this. She doesn’t know that I’m upset for her and she’s trying to be strong and seem like she’s fine which she probably is. But I’m going out of my mind here worrying about her not making friends. Am I crazy?
This is actually really common issue I’ve read. Check out the site Grown & Flown and other sites for helpful articles and advice. I hope things improve for you and your daughter soon.
No, you aren’t crazy and I would say that at least half the parents on Cc have had the same thoughts. Been there, done that. Don’t be surprised to get texts of doom and tearful phone calls, but remember that your kid is unloading on you. Once she’s done that, she’s probably fine, until she needs to unload again. We are human trash cans.
Please read this: To those who feel lonely/homesick/friendless/think they chose the wrong school, etc...
It’s for students, but I think you might find comfort in it. I wrote it after my own daughter went through a similar thing.
I can honestly say that I needlessly worried and should have divested myself more from what, in hindsight, was a necessary period of growth in her life. She had a bumpy start, but ended up loving her college and graduated last year. I’m sure you daughter will be fine. Good luck to her.
Oh my. I will have to remember this line. It might be my new mantra.
OP I am sorry you and your D are going through a tough time. While I haven’t had that issue with my Ss, I do know what it’s like to be the human trash can. And being a “fixer” that is what I immediately want to do - but you can’t. And it’s hard. I get it. Let her know she is loved, and she will likely find her tribe and be fine.
I had so much anxiety during my D’s first semester at college. She thought her roommate was disrespectful, couldn’t get sleep because of loud people in her hall, had trouble figuring out things to get involved in, and was very homesick (was 15 hours away). I set my phone so I couldn’t hear texts coming through at night but a call from her would come through. I would get a panicky feeling when I woke up in the morning to see texts had come through from her, and she was usually miserable in them. It’s a pretty normal experience for so many students. Just hang in there, keep encouraging your D to try new things, and realize it takes more time. Definitely more than a few weeks.
I do remember being a 17-year-old freshman who was 13 hours from home, and of course no texting, emails etc. back then. I believe the loneliness and other challenging experiences really helped me to grow and develop more confidence. For my D, she found her way and her people by second semester and ended up very glad she chose her college (graduated this year). You can’t solve this for her, but you can listen, support and then make sure you do some things to take care of yourself and try to distract yourself. Hang it there. I know it’s so stressful!
A lot of kids are unhappy for the first months, even past winter break, and end up happy with friends and everything else.
Someone wrote they are not a human trash can. I used “toilet”!
There were times when I was left upset after a call and later found my kid had gone to a party.
But this early, I imagine your daughter is very alone over this holiday weekend. The only thing you can do is listen, and tell her it takes time. I know that feels like it isn’t helpful. She needs to know that in the experience of many of us, it takes a few months and maybe she will adjust her time frame.
Same, especially the feeling of dread when a text came from her. I kind of wish we didn’t have cell phones. I am pretty sure none of our parents were aware of their kids’ struggles at the start of college, haha.
I still remember when D20 called me crying a few weeks into her 1st year at college about the fact that the program she was planning to attend her sophomore year of college (this year, in fact) had not just been postponed due to Covid-19, it had been permanently cancelled.
I am a fixer by nature and hearing your baby cry over the phone when they are many hours away from you is horrible. I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I tried to fix the situation immediately instead of just listening. And she firmly put me in my place by saying, “Why can’t you just hear me be sad instead of trying to find the silver lining?!”
There wasn’t a fix to a permanently cancelled program. There was only a reimagining of what she thought she would be able to do. And, she was able to do that. On her own timeline.
I think the same thing applies to the start of school not being what our children hoped it would be. They theoretically knew that there could be homesickness, it could take time to make friends, they could feel like a fish out of water. But most, if not all, went thinking they personally wouldn’t deal with those feelings. And so they are not only dealing with the feelings of homesickness, loneliness and/or isolation - they are also grieving their idea/dream of what the beginning of college would be.
This isn’t insurmountable; it is something they have to deal with on their own timetable. And their solution is oftentimes not the solution we might have come up with (gosh, watching the growing pains of your child adulting is hard!).
This, too, shall pass became one of my mantras (not shared with D20). With her - I listened, I reflected back what she had told me, I acknowledged I didn’t know how the situation would resolve and then I told her that she was smart/capable/amazing/etc and I had faith she would figure out how she wanted to handle it. And that I was always available as a sounding board and a resource if she thought she needed backup.
And then I worked with my therapist to be able to deal with my emotions from those conversations. I have never been so grateful to my therapist as I have these last 18 months! 
Please keep in mind that it is VERY early at this juncture, plus a holiday weekend when many left campus. It takes time!
I strongly encourage your daughter to find clubs and activities in her interest areas and join these and that is a great way to bond with a friendship group around something she enjoys with like-minded peers.
This is such a great thing to understand. I too tried to “fix” stuff.
Someone here on CC gave me great advice, which I still use to this day: Ask your child what THEY want to do about the situation.
Seriously, so simple and so obvious. The very next time I got a text of doom, that’s what I did. I swear it worked.
Now I listen instead of trying to offer solutions. I wait for them to ask for help. I think it’s much better if they are responsible for working through whatever their issue is, assuming it’s not something truly important.
If is sorority policy that any girl who ‘plays by the rules’ during rush/recruitment, will be matched with a house. So, if she is invited back to 6 houses, she must attend all 6 parties. If she needs to pick 4 of the 6 to return to, she must pick 4 and attend the parties for whichever 4 she is invited back to (may not be who she requested). Assuming she does this, it is policy that she will get to join a house. It did not used to be this way. I was an advisor several years ago and the process is completely different from my college years. I do hope your daughter finds her “tribe”. My dd is off to college next year and this is my biggest fear.
If she’s involved in sorority recruitment, that should keep her busy over the next few days/weeks (some schools stretch it out). Try to get her to be excited over it and not worry about which houses invite her back but to enjoy the ones that do. She should find a place. Even if she doesn’t join, she might make friends in the process.
Does she like to work out? Have her go to the gym or even join a sport or club. Some things like kick ball or Frisbee golf can be fun and like beginners. Take a book to the pool.
My daughter knew 2 kids at her new school, and even though they really had little in common (except Kindergarten), she started with them. She went to the first football game with one (and her dad and younger sister), then they went through Rush and ended up in the same sorority. From there, things just took off for both of them.
Now daughter is starting all over in grad school (at same school) and really doesn’t know that many students from her undergrad time. She has a job so has human contact there but really doesn’t want to hang out with those people. She went to the football game last Saturday and she went to trivia night with people from her department. She’s crazy busy but it trying to do short group things to build contacts.
I hope your daughter can find ONE thing to make the weekend seem like a success. Take a walk to a new coffee place, find a group watching a movie in the common area, find a group to eat with in the dining hall.
Keep in mind that probably the majority of new freshmen feel like they don’t have good friends yet. The fact that your D’s roommate is hanging out with high school friends means that she hasn’t made a lot of new friends either. Everyone is really in the same boat at this point in the semester.
It’s hard, but lots of other Freshman are in the same boat.
I think it’s hard for college-age kids to realize that you don’t have to have a million friends and you don’t have to be partying and socializing 24/7. There were a ton of times in college where I spend time alone or did things by myself.
One thing I told my kids: make stuff happen. Join clubs, take part in activities. Even if you don’t make best friends in the Young (Insert political party or whatever here) Club, you’re still getting out of your dorm and doing something and being around people. Also, reach out to people. Ask your roommate if they’d like to go get ice cream with you. Time for dinner? Why not the ask the nice people in the dorm next door if they’d like to go to dinner with you. Heck, why not ask the RA? See a sign for a game night organized by the RA? Sure, it seems lame, but why not go? It’s a good way to socialize and it’s nice and low key. If you’re heading to lunch after class, why not ask the person you were talking to in class to join you?
You gotta get the ball rolling!
My daughter is at a large university 12 hours away, she is one of three freshmen from our town (and my daughter went to public school, the other two went to different private schools, there are no other people from our town at the university). My daughter has been friends with one of them since birth (we are good friends with the parents, their older sisters have been bff’s since they were toddlers), but they stopped hanging out in middle school (when kids gravitate towards new friends and not playgroup/family friends). They are more like cousins. They’ve been hanging out together for almost a month, with their roommates, rushed and they’re all in different sororities which is great, more people to meet, your daughter shouldn’t feel weird about hanging out with her roommate and her school friends, it’s an opportunity. Today my daughter said she is really happy because she just noticed that when she’s walking alone on campus, students are saying hi to her by name, and she’s feeling more at home. Her twin brother is another story, he’s been hanging out with his twin sister’s best friend (30,000+ undergrads and they are in the same 200 person dorm, she’s like another daughter to us), and kids from high school. Hopefully he will branch out (I know my daughter’s friend is hoping too). It’s so early in the year.
This is so normal. You sound just like my mom. It’s still very early. I didn’t find my close friend group until mid freshman year (they are my current roommates) Tell her to get involved. Join clubs, sports, anything she likes…perfect time to try new things! It will definitely get easier and better. Where does she go to school?
One of the fallacies that seems to be shared as advice repeatedly is that everyone feels lonely and homesick during their first year of college. This is just not true. Telling this to a college freshman may bring momentary relief at the expense of dealing with one’s situation and feelings in a more realistic fashion.
The truth is that individuals grow and mature differently and at different times. And the truth is that some people are just more popular during this stage of life than others are.
If a student feels lonely and isolated, that student needs to take charge of his or her life and learn to focus on matters within that individual’s control. For example, anyone can control when they study or exercise / workout.
Dealing with loneliness is, in large part,a matter of discipline. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and on matters that you cannot control. Stay busy with reading, studying, exercising, pursuing a hobby or other interest, or working at an on-campus job. Acquaintances will occur naturally from these activities. Some acquaintances will develop into friendship and some will not, while some will develop into “activity friendships”.
Young adults suffering from loneliness & feelings of isolation need to take control of their time and of their thoughts. Focus on positives, not negatives. Is this easy ? No, but that is why moving into adulthood is often referred to as “growing pains”.
Simply put: Young adults need to learn to like themselves & not to judge oneself based upon others indifference.
Having realistic expectations is also important.
If loneliness turns into self isolation, then counseling should be sought. If unwilling or unable to visit with a therapist, then create your own therapy through exercise & volunteering at a church or at an animal shelter. Give your life tangible meaning.
I completely understand. Last year, my firstyear D called me sobbing and begging to come home EVERY day until the day before she came home at Thanksgiving. It was absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. She had no school breaks or days off because they were just hoping to get through the semester. She was miserable and telling her “no” every day was excruciating and exhausting. We had a few discussions when she was home between November and January about managing her expectations or if she should call it quits. I honestly had no idea what she was deciding until the day she had to sign up for a spring semester arrival time slot.
I have no idea what happened but once she went back in January, we hardly heard from her. It was like someone flipped a switch. I guess my point is that kids have some preconceived ideas in their heads about what college is “supposed to be” and, like the rest of life, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. On some level, they need to come to grips with the disappointment and make peace with the reality, which usually isn’t “bad”, just “unexpected”. Hang in there!
When my daughters first went away to college, I’d answer every text, even if it was 2 am, etc… Then I quickly learned to silence texts and only allow phone calls to ring through. If they texted late, it was usually for a problem or a sad reason. Now, if it’s after 10:30 and I get a text, I make a decision if I think I can get away with saying I didn’t see it because I was sleeping, and deal with it in the morning. It has saved me many a sleepless nights worrying about them. 9 times out of 10, when I text them back in the morning, they aren’t upset anymore.
Well said! I think the college experience is very romanticized. Kids think it’s going to all be fun and games and the best four years of their life (who came up with idea and why?) and that they’ll always be socializing. That’s not true.