<p>I've applied to science PhD programs and I got accepted. I want to remain very anonymous so I'm not mentioning the field or the schools. One was ranked top 10 the other was ranked top 30. I mention rankings because they correlate with quality of the program somehow and so people can see the education quality isn't thought to be substantially different. Both are great schools and it only comes down to what I want. The top 30 school doesn't have the research I want, but it's closer to home and I would get to see my parents more. The visit was also fine and I'm more knowledgable about top 30 in general. The top 10 has 5+ people doing the research I'm interested in and are highly regarded in the field. I enough about the research at top 30 to be comfortable applying there, but not a whole lot. </p>
<p>Background
The culture my parents have is very unusual. Neither my mother nor father left home. Mom has high school diploma and Dad has an associates. My Dad's family lived in the same part of the United States on the same land (100s of acres) since it was acquired by the United States. My parents want me to stay close to home and there has been a big fight almost every day for weeks. I also have a disability that doesn't seriously impact my life (except to a degree socially and it is not always obvious), but is affected by stress certain types of stress (one stress is people being mean to me). My father had a daughter that he was not able to see for 10 years because of a messy divorce. My parents believe education is the most important thing I'm doing and are supportive and proud of me in general, but they aren't knowledgable. For example, they do not understand the difference between a university and community college education. (They asked if the local technical school had a PhD program.) I'm not knocking my parents and I don't think any of this is intrinsically bad. I absolutely love my parents and I want to be close to them.</p>
<p>The things my parents have said to me were that my disability would get worse if I go to top 10 because it is an ivy and there is a percentage of snooty people (both our impressions and was expected). This is not a concern because it is up to me to control it. My parents have said that the only difference they see is that at one place I will be closer and I should only go to top 10 if I don't love them. They compared my going there for 5 years to not getting to see his daughter for ten years and not knowing her anymore. Here is a quote: "We've lived on this land for centuries years and I just think it'd be nice for you to live here; that's all." My parents said that I would get the same education at the other school (where I would have to find another field to do research in, but I know that people usually change their field anyway.) I would likely find something I like at top 30. They said that they might die in the five years and I wouldn't have seen them. </p>
<p>I sent in my decision to attend top 30 and not top 10. I've really been having second thoughts. (I'm also very sad and can barely concentrate, but nothing serious like depression.) I would love to go to top 10, but my parents wouldn't support me and they would say I hate them. This is a problem because I have to come home for the Summer. Basically, my choice is between going to the school I want or having a good relationship with my parents. I'm thinking about asking the schools if I can have more time (and telling them I decided too soon which looks unfavorable), but there is no way I can work anything out with my parents. I just don't know what to do because I love my parents AND I want to go to top 10. I think I'm stuck and asking would make a very bad impression on my part. It would also make me look unstable, which I am not. My parents basically said going to top 10 would be the end of our relationship.</p>
<p>Has anyone been in this position before? Is it possible to go back on graduate school decisions even if they were made before the deadline. How negatively is something like this viewed?</p>
<p>You have to go home for the summer? There’s basically no way your department or your advisor at the top 10 school would ever have agreed to that, so I’d just forget about it.</p>
<p>I have to go home this summer before I start graduate school and be around my ****ed off parents. I’m 22. It’s embarrassing to write this anonymously. It’s not like they’re saying we don’t like this decision and we’ll support you. They’re saying we don’t like this decision; forget about you.</p>
<p>wow- your parents are using some super unfair emotional ammunition. The ‘if you love us, why do you want to move’ stuff is outrageously unfair to you. You could flip it and say, ‘if you really love me, you would want what’s best for me, and the best education and training is at Top Ten’… How far away is Top Thirty? Do you parents realize that you can still visit for holidays and vacations and call them on the phone (and if they use email) - so it is NOT anything like the unfortunately situation with your dad’s other daughter. If you make the effort, you can still keep in very good touch with your parents - you aren’t going to Antarctica or something and disappearing. It seems very unwise to pass up the opportunity to work with top people in your field vs this Top Thirty school where you really don’t seem interested in their research. I say you should call up/email Top Ten and accept their offer and rescind your acceptance for Top Thirty.</p>
<p>Also - I know some programs let you start early in the summer before the ‘offical’ start of the school year in sept (this is for biosci. related programs where you can start rotating in a lab - called a summer rotation). You can start receiving your stipend too if you do this. So perhaps you don’t need to rely on staying at home during that interim time.</p>
<p>You’re not going to grad school for your parents. Follow your dreams and do what you want to do, your parents maybe too messed up to realize that this is your and only your decision but with time they will have to face the reality of your decision… A decision based on your reasoning and preference. Good luck.</p>
<p>Some of my relatives are from rather rural area that, well, seems to take pride in people not going to college. My one cousin decided she wanted to go to college (the fact that she’s a she and not a he was also an issue), and some of the extended family got in such a huff they reused to attend her wedding a few years later. Last I heard, though, she’s happily married with a husband and a good career and the rest of my relatives are still driving the same pickup truck they have been since 1982.</p>
<p>If your parents have given you an ultimatum stating that it is their way (for no logical, coherent reason) or you get no contact with them, you are in a very unhealthy relationship with them. Explain to them point by point about why this plan benefits YOU and why it’s important for you to branch out as an adult human being. You love your parents and they love you, but if their only reason for wanting you to stay around has to do with their own abandonment issues you will lead a very controlled and unhappy life. It seems like just 1 concession now, but clearly they expect you to be with them for the long term. So here is what I would do:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Explain why the Top 10 school is such a huge improvement and how the PhD system works.They really need to understand this to realize why you need to leave.</p></li>
<li><p>Set up a calling/chatting plan with your parents for when you leave and stick to it. Explain to them that you are NOT abandoning them, but simply pursuing your own passion (and that does prevent you from loving or seeing them). </p></li>
<li><p>Have an honest talk about your parents’ abandonment issues because even if you stay for this one thing, those feelings will not dissipate. Unless you want to be under their thumb your entire life, you need to discuss this. They are clearly scared they will lose you, but I doubt they realize actions like these will eventually push you permanently away. Control does not equal love, and neither does the distance between you guys. There is Skype, texting, emails, phone calls, etc. and you can utilize all of that to stay close. </p></li>
<li><p>Your social anxiety, or whatever you have, should not be used by your parents as a tool to keep you in a safe zone. Your parents cannot be your crutch forever and they shouldn’t WANT to be. I understand that conditions like that can be really debilitating, especially when you are out of your comfort zone, but it’s either take that chance or not take any at all.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I know they’re family, but your parents being so narrow-minded about your future will only stifle the kind of life you (and even your childrens’ lives) live.</p>
<p>I don’t advocate leaving with wreckless abandon, but I think you almost have to go to the Top 10 against their will and then justify the decision post-hoc. What will you do when Post-Doc or Professorships come around? What if you don’t obtain one anywhere near your parents? You’ll just not get a job?</p>
<p>I already made a decision and I’m not happy about it. My question really was what is a graduate school going to think. Is it going to haunt me the entire time I’m there. I did find this for CalTech, but not sure about other schools. [url=<a href=“http://www.pma.caltech.edu/GSR/offer.html]Offer[/url”>http://www.pma.caltech.edu/GSR/offer.html]Offer[/url</a>] </p>
<p>The college I’m at is 5 hours from home. They aren’t happy about it, but they’re proud I’m graduating from college. I’ve dealt with this stuff before with college and choosing a major, but the details aren’t relevant. Top 10 is 5 hours. Top 30 is 2 hours. My parents would also be an invaluable resource at top 30. I also don’t doubt the quality of the education at Top 30.</p>
<p>Check, but I think that you can rescind your acceptance prior to April 15. At which point you can accept the Top 10 if you haven’t already told them “no, thanks.” If you have told them “no, thanks” contact them ASAP & ask if you can change your mind subject to your other acceptance being rescinded…there’s an agreement (blanking on the name) think governs a large number of universities on how they treat acceptances, etc., and I <em>think</em> you can do this prior to April 15.</p>
<p>Otherwise, I agree with Oyama and the others. You can’t let parental ignorance so dramatically cripple your potential. It’s blindingly obvious, just from the # of researchers whose work you’re interested in, that you belong at the Top 10.</p>
<p>Go for it. And good luck. And if you have to live through a period of parental estrangement, that’s an unfortunate addition to the cost.</p>
<p>I told my mom I might not go to top 30. She started crying and said how she was so jealous of the people who live around her with big happy families with kids who love them and stay close. Even that she’s jealous of the people whose kids didn’t make it in college and went home because they got homesick. She asks me what she did wrong for me to want to go away. I feel so bad. I have to go to top 30, but at this point my relationship with my parents is probably ****ed, but it was just as bad when I went for regular college so there might be hope. I love my parents and I think I underestimated how important me being close to them is. I live in a rural area and I don’t think there are jobs there for PhDs. I know my Mom thought being close was important, but not like this. I picked the wrong field. My Dad took the phone off of her and told me I’m going to give her a heart attack.</p>
<p>@TheDad
I seriously doubt my potential is being limited. Top 30 is a good program, but not so much in what I want. I can find an excellent advisor there. Also, with PhD programs it’s the publication record that counts not the program itself.</p>
<p>There really is parental ignorance here, but this might be the last chance I have to be close to my parents. I don’t know what’s going to happen to them in 5 years. Them knowing the city and having connections there (if I can still use them) is a bonus.</p>
<p>No disrespect to your parents, but damn kid, your parents are pulling a number on you. “She asks me what she did wrong for me to want to go away.” – you really should say, ‘This is what you did right, you raised me to be a smart kid that has an amazing potential.’ — And 5 HOURS? Vs 2? Are you kidding me? The difference of three hours? That is NOT that much farther to pass up on this Top 10. Seriously, you can rescind your acceptance - DO THIS NOW before April 15th (after that, it’s way harder and bad). Are your parents in poor health? Why such a worry of what is going to happen in 5 years? And you most likely will have to move farther away to find a postdoc/job after grad school - perhaps much much farther as a small town/rural area isn’t really a place with lots of job options for a PhD…</p>
<p>@LAC operon
It’s unbelievable to me too. My parents make a big deal about knowing the town, being able to help me because it’s close, and worrying about people being mean to me, but they don’t get that I’m going to be spending 60 hours a week in a lab. It’s like they think it’s playtime for me almost. I don’t think knowing about the town is important because I won’t be roaming around. I’ll be working. At top 30 I know nothing valuable about the research. I feel like I made a bad decision because I don’t know what I would do there. I worked so hard for 4 years without changing my mind on becoming a scientist and I get into a highly selective program, then bam “What did we do wrong for you to want to go away? I’m so jealous of people who have kids that live near their parents. You don’t love me.”</p>
<p>Go to the top 10 school if you can. If your parents don’t learn to accept your decision, then you will know they will never change. </p>
<p>It is wrong for you to ruin your life to make them happy, especially when its Ph.D program and you can likely support yourself on the stipend you should get.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. It’s not about rankings – top 30 v. top 10 – but about living your adult life the way you want to. Your parents will always use this kind of emotional blackmail on you if you let them. What if you want to marry someone they think isn’t good enough for you? What if you get a job across the country? What if they try to apply the same kind of control over their grandchildren? You have to exert your independence while minimizing the hurt to them. If they say stuff like, “You wouldn’t do this if you loved us,” just answer back, “But I do love you and always will. This has nothing to do with how I feel about you. It has to do with my career.” You’ll probably have to say this dozens of times, but don’t give up trying to separate your feelings for them and your career decisions. </p>
<p>Don’t delay. If you’ve already turned down the top 10, call the program and explain that you originally thought you needed to be closer to home for personal reasons (don’t go into details) but am now able to attend. Can you rescind your original decision? If not, move on. If so, ask for an email confirmation before you rescind your decision at the top 30. As others have said, the top 30 won’t be too upset at your going elsewhere as long as you change your mind before April 15, which gives them time to go to their waitlist. </p>
<p>Your parents will get over this. It’s very difficult for ALL parents not to see our children as often, but we adjust. Just make sure that you make time in your schedule (which will be VERY busy) to call them and let them know what you’re doing. But if the unthinkable happens and they completely cut off all ties to you, then know this: if it doesn’t happen over this, it will happen over something else. </p>
<p>I want to warn you about issues that may pose emotional issues for you and your family down the road. Many people who start PhDs never finish. The reasons vary, and are rarely a reflection on the abilities of the student. Usually it has to do with changing interests, disillusionment with academia, or research that doesn’t go as expected. If this happens, you and your parents may be tempted to blame the top ten program. It’s important for you to know that you have a better chance of finishing in a program that addresses your research needs and interests. If you don’t finish the PhD, it won’t be because you would have been better off at the top 30. </p>
<p>Another potential problem is their lack of understanding of graduate school and your obligations to the program. You will not have summers off or long breaks. Many programs state that you will have two weeks of vacation a year, although the reality is slightly more flexible than that. You will be studying on weekends. In terms of your going home, five hours is as far away as two hours. Your time will be more precious than it was in undergraduate school, and your parents may not be able to visit on their own schedule. </p>
<p>Good luck! This period will be traumatic for all, but you will all be better for it in the end.</p>
<p>I think all of us who moved away far away from home at some point also left our moms crying at some point, even if they wanted us to go away and pursue our dreams. I know my mom wouldn’t even come with my dad and me to the airport since she couldn’t bear to see me fly off knowing I probably wouldn’t be home, but couldn’t be happier to her me talk about how my research/lab was a few weeks later. I know they still want me to move back to within a few hours of the area really bad (as I want to as well), but they know for this period in my life we just need to make that sacrifice.</p>
<p>Are you an only child? (Apart from the estranged daughter) If you are, or are the youngest I find this the slightest bit more understandable, but still not justified.
My father’s family thrived on guilting and emotional blackmail. That is what your parents are doing right now. It is natural for your parents to prefer that you be close, but for them to limit your opportunities so needlessly (2 hours versus 5? That’s really not a difference. Both distances can be done in a morning or afternoon) is not a healthy relationship and honestly just selfish on their part.
When I was looking at colleges for undergrad, my mother placed two restrictions, you are going to apply to a 4 year school no matter what your high school pushes you into (of our 750 class in ninth grade, 460 graduated, 200 went to the community college, 50-100 went nowhere or into the military, of the remaining, ten of us left the state(all but one of the girls was in my mother’s girl scout troop and I’d known them since kindergarten at the latest)) and I need to be able to get in a car and drive to you in a day. Like you, I also have a medical disability, but since mine was diagnosed my junior year in high school, my mother was understandably concerned about what could happen.
At one point, my mother seemed to be pushing for the lone NY school I applied to (money was part of it), but it was out on Long Island and only offered me 2000 a year in scholarship. (Cheap SUNY so still not bad) I was accepted to Hopkins and UMD (my current school) as one of 200 full scholarships of 30K applications. (They are about 4 and 5 hours from home respectively vs about 2 without traffic)
Her tune changed to UMD almost immediately, even though her sister told me she still wanted me in Long Island. The next summer they drove me down (well I drove down in the new (well certified used) car that was my present for both graduation and deciding to go to the school where they didn’t have to pay a dime) and yes there were tears, but they never tried to limit my decision. They would have paid full tuition at JHU (or tried… it was half my dad’s take home pay) if that was what I had decided. I was the oldest of four, so I expect that my brother might have a few more problems, but again they would never limit him. My dad grew up on his mother’s guilt, and they both grew up with no opportunities.
We moved from Queens to the type of town where the main street names are also the last names of families still living in the area. I know people who will never leave because their families are so engrained there. They will live and die and have children who will live and die there.
After two years of living five hours away I’ve been discussing grad/med school options with my mother. I mentioned how much I loved California when we went there. Instead of the panicked objections I would have heard in high school she said, “Well I’m going to have to visit you there. Christmas at your place.”</p>
<p>Your parents love should not restrict you. It should allow you to do whatever you want or can to make yourself happy.</p>
<p>I had my decision reversed and I still have until next Friday.</p>
<p>This seems like mental health issues not emotional blackmail. It was really bad. I’m an only child. They basically said they had me so they could keep me. The thing is I like my parents a lot and having a good relationship is important to me, but they say I can’t do have that if I don’t stay within driving distance. They have a business that they would have to close and lose money to visit me there.</p>