I made a bad decision

Graduate School
21

<p>One of my parents is a hard-core emotional blackmail/catholic guilt-tripper/ultra-conservative hispanic-ness. At some point you have to realize that, as much as you love your parents, their duties involve nail-bitting and pain and that’s how it will always be. WILL TO POWER, googoo. </p>

<p>They’ve reared you in the best manner possible and you’ve gotten to where you are now. However, it seems like they need to hear you assert your needs and desires in a firm way that they’ve propably never heard before. The same firmness needs to be packed in the explanation of your PhD program, which is also very much warranted.</p>

<p>I did this with my parent when I moved in with my SO. I was not disrespectful but I was firm and very pointed in saying that the environment I was living in under her despotic rule was not conducive to any growth or future, especially since I was expected to pay most of the bills at one point. Fast forward a year and I’ve been able to dedicate time to MA applications (Going to U Chicago!), articles, and things I previously had no time for because I needed to tow the line with family emotionally, financially and psychologically. This parent has since chilled out significantly because she’s seen the payoff.</p>

<p>The other parent was more lasseiz fare and a little absent, but when it came down to drink it got aggressive in telling me what I should study and where. Again, the firmness and conviction that I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING and that I was a worthy investment (speaking in that parent’s language) also worked. This parent has too chilled out and is begging me to work with them on a project (not my field). </p>

<p>As a fellow student with a disability, I find it apalling that a parent would use their child’s condition against them. While my parents never did this, there have been times where they justified why I shouldn’t study/pursue what what I wanted by throwing the invoices of their expenses caused by my disability in my face (among other things). </p>

<p>The only thing you owe your parents is succeeding in your own right. In the end, you’ll probably be a happier/more capable son or daughter if you achieve YOUR life goals divested of all bitterness. </p>

<p>I will say this, My parents have been generally supportive but there have been dark moments that really pushed me to be as cut and dry as I am.</p>

<p>GET OUT OF THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You have no idea how your will and dreams can shrink under this type of pressure, complaisence and negativity…</p>

22

<p>@Schaudenfreuded</p>

<p>My parents aren’t what you’re describing. They’re normal people that are ignorant about education (like normal people), but think it’s important. From the things my mom said I think this is a mental health problem and I’m very scared. I think that if I go to the school I want she will have a nervous breakdown. If I realized this I would have talked to her about this sooner.</p>

<p>The thing is she’s done things that didn’t really matter, like moving to a new house when I had a preference for a different house, that she will randomly call me to tell me she’s feeling bad and I tell her she did nothing wrong. This on the other hand is something that bothers me, but if it’s a mental health problem like I suspect I can’t do it to her no matter how much I want to go to the other school. I can’t hold something like that against her either.</p>

23

<p>To your parents: so, don’t close your business. You won’t be able to see your son/daughter as often as you would like. Suck it up. Part of being a parent is to wish that your child/children makes the most of his or her potential. It’s not always about what makes you comfortable.</p>

<p>We have practiced what I preach. We live on the West Coast. Our daughter did four years of undergraduate on the East Coast, including one semester spent in Hungary, where even the timing of a Sunday phone call so we could hear her voice had to be coordinated in advance via e-mail. She then worked for three years on the East Coast. She is now in the process of choosing a graduate program and I’m elated that it looks as if she may be back on the West Coast, only an hour away by plane. But if she had gotten into one of her top two choices on the East Coast and she had decided that was what was best for her career, so be it.</p>

<p>Have we missed her terribly? Of course. When she does make it home, I turn my work schedule inside out to give us as much time together as possible though I still need to work with clients. We take short family trips together and celebrate a lot at restaurants with her favorite foods.</p>

<p>But watching her growth and development has been very gratifying. The PhD program she has been admitted to (and which I think she’s going to accept) is regarded as being in the Top Three in here field and the faculty has a rich tradition of Nobel Prize winners, MacArthur Fellows, etc. If we had insisted that she remain close to home, she would not have had the opportunities to develop as she has. My wife, TheMom, works at a world-class research university and we recognize terrific opportunities for our daughter when we see them. We wouldn’t dream of standing in her way.</p>

<p>And to make sure she had no second thoughts on our account at any time, we encouraged her: “with your shield or upon it,” “you are Samurai, my daughter,” “Cortez burned his ships,” etc.</p>

<p>Go. Make your parents proud. </p>

<p>(And, having watched other parents over the years, there’s a good chance they will eventually decide, even if they may not be able to admit out loud, that you made the right decision after all.)</p>

24

<p>x-posted. Googoo, if it is a mental health problem with your mother, your staying close to her will not help; she will still have the mental health problem and you would be enabling her dysfunction. </p>

<p>The “if you loved me, you would do X” is an untenable proposition, whether from a parent, a lover, or a spouse.</p>

<p>If your mother legitimately has a mental health issue, what you might be able to do is to facilitate counseling for her. You probably can’t do this directly because your mother is unlikely to respect your age & life experience; you would need to find an age-peer intermediary who can maintain your confidence and be respected by your mother who can suggest counseling alternatives. Whether it’s a respected friend, relative, clergy person, etc., I think that’s one avenue to explore. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, don’t be like the child who thinks his parents’ divorce is because of him, if only he did something differently, things would be okay. It’s not all about you and at some point you have to do what’s best for you and against either ignorance or mental illness, it’s important that you do what’s right and not let yourself be pulled down.</p>

25

<p>I second what TheDad says. Don’t enable your mother b/.c in the future, there will be more triggers to her condition (if it is a mental condition and, I’m sorry to say this, not a manipulation) brought on by choices she disagrees with.</p>

<p>It’s your time to fly, googoo…you’ve earned it and they should recognize it.</p>

26

<p>You have received many good advice from some very reasonable parents. I don´t have much to add. I really hope you will go where it is best for you. I am sorry your parents are making you feel like this. They should be celebrating with you. If you were my kid, with you disability and have come so far, I would have been very proud of you. Even if I would miss you, I wouldn´t let you know it.</p>

27

<p>GG, btw, if you think it might be difficult living with your mother if you make Choice A now, consider how difficult it might be living with yourself at age 40 if you make Choice B and see the lost opportunities you inflicted upon yourself.</p>

<p>(signed) Someone For Whom Age 40 is Considerably in the Rear-view Mirror</p>

28

<p>One more note about mental health issues: prompt her to get help. You can’t cure her by living two hours away instead of five. You can’t even cure her or keep her safe by living at home. I understand your worry. Find professional help.</p>

29

<p>Change is very hard for many of us, but, it is truly the only constant.</p>

<p>You need to decide what is right for you first and then work on the communication that will happen with your parents during this time.</p>

<p>It is a parent’s job to grow the wings and your job as their child to spread them. That doesn’t mean flying will come naturally on the first go. But, soon everyone will get used to this new and changing relationship.</p>

<p>You can create a plan that will let you go and visit home and be as helpful as you can - when it works with your PhD studies. You can keep reassuring them that you love them and support them.</p>

<p>If you choose to stay closer to them because they want you to and not because you want to - you will resent the rest of the time you do have with them.</p>

<p>We are here to create the life of our dreams. They made their own choices based on who they are and what worked for them, they cannot and should not attempt to make yours for you. They had their chance.</p>

<p>I am a mom, so I truly, truly believe what I am saying (it isn’t always easy for me to watch the decisions my daughters make - but, I did my job - they are now doing theirs).</p>

<p>I promise you it will get better as they get used to the new normal. You just need to focus, not get caught up in the drama and be PROUD of your accomplishment! Bravo!!</p>

<p>Do what you need to do and know that it will all sort itself out with time. Be bold, be brave, be willing to make a mistake, but always strive for the best of the solutions not the mediocre ones.</p>

<p>Good luck to you!</p>

30

<p>I can still change my decision. I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is the only thing I’ve been good at my whole life. I feel like all this hard work was a waste of time to not get to make my own choice.</p>

31

<p>Googoo, you must understand that no one here can really help you if you cannot help yourself. Be decisive, be blunt, yet understanding and compassionate. You need to sit down with them and explain that going to a top 1000, top 100, or top 10 is your decision for the cause of a better future. Whether it is somewhere in the east coast, west coast, or even Europe… It should not matter. If they cannot understand that then there are more serious issues you need to address.</p>

<p>I live over 3,000 miles from the closest relative yet my family have been extremely supportive even though they would rather I live minutes away. In fact, the first week I left my dad could not sleep and my mom cries herself to sleep. With time things get a lot easier, now talking to them on the phone is as good as being over there… Especially when I use webcam. Have you considered investing in Cisco Telepresence :stuck_out_tongue: ? Ok lol bad joke.</p>

32

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<p>But it is your own choice. Whichever way you go, you will be the one to make the final decision. If you decide to do what your parents want, then it will be your decision to do so. If you decide to attend the PhD program best suited to you, then that will be your decision. Yours. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, part of being an independent adult requires accepting the consequences of your decisions. Few choices are clear-cut, and many come with sacrifices and drawbacks as well as benefits.</p>

33

<p>

MWFN speaks much truth, as usual.</p>

<p>The duty of a parent isn’t to steer their child(ren) to make them (the parents) happy. It’s develop them into independent adults that can achieve their highest potential.</p>

34

<p>Hysterics, dramatic displays of sadness, betrayal, guilt, ultimatums, threats of abandonment/disowning you will probably be the norm for you once you make your decision to go away.</p>

<p>You are not theirs.
You are your own person.
Sooner or later you will have to split from them.
They still have each other to lean on, your dad will have to deal with mom, whether he likes it or not.
You have to be strong to start to lead your life on your terms.
You can do this without losing/destroying your family.
BTW, don’t ever expect them to be good with you leaving and expect them to throw it in your face at every chance they get.</p>

35

<p>5 hours away and your parents are complaining? I find this amazing. This is driving distance no problem getting home for holidays. They obviously don’t want to understand the difference in research opportunities. I am very sad about your dilemma.</p>

36

<p>@Seinmyway</p>

<p>Before I applied I talked to them. I made an agreement with my parents that I would not live in a big city known for crime and stay within driving distance. I thought it was reasonable. My parents want to be able to see me any time they want, not just holidays. Regardless of the previous agreement, top 10 is unacceptable because I got into another school that is closer.</p>

<p>I’ve identified people at top 30 I could work for. It’s a respectable place to have a degree from. I think I’m just going to go there. Regardless, I’m excited to start new things and be close to my family again. I swear, they’re nice people when it comes to anything except leaving home. We also had a lot of outdoors hobbies that we pretty much stopped since I left. I’m excited to start those things again. I guess it’s not that big of a deal.</p>

37

<p>Do you really think that if you went to the top 10 school that your relationship with your parents would be irreversibly damaged? I think the relationship between parents and children (at least one that is worthwhile) involves forgiveness and understanding. They will always be your parents and you will always be their child. I think if you did go away, feelings could be hurt for awhile, but as long as you make your decision in a respectful manner, things will work out in the end.</p>

<p>Also, I don’t know if this is just me, but when I read your posts, I sense that your are grasping to whatever reason you can to justify not going to the other school. I get a feeling that you won’t really be happy if you go to that top 30 school because in your mind you will always be thinking about that top 10 school and have those “what if” questions.</p>

<p>Those are just some of my thoughts as I read through the responses in this thread.</p>

38

<p>googoo- Best of luck in your future.
Hoping you don’t have episodes of woulda, coulda, shoulda about lost opportunities.
My post #34 was written with the best intentions, not to attack you and your parents.
Keeps us updated on how things are working out for you.</p>

39

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<p>I think you seriously overestimate the amount of free time you’re going to have in grad school. My girlfriend only lived about an hour away at another school and we’d still only be able to see each other for maybe one day over a weekend every other week (at best). Many labs expect you to be working 8+ hour days five days a week, and it’s often an unstated expectation you’ll be there at least part of the time over the weekend.</p>

<p>And, if you do wind up using all of your free time driving back and forth to your parents (hope you’ve got a fuel efficient car!) you’re not going to have any opportunity to meet your peers; the people that are going to be the ones helping you out in your career in the future.</p>

40

<p>You have already answered yourself. And, you will see here that we all pretty much back you up. Just take a deep breath and JUMP.</p>