I need a shoulder...not sure S will ever be ready for college

<p>Bflgal, My S finished his jr. year of h.s with an A ( in PE), two B’s, four C’s and a F.
He finished his sr. year with an A(PE), three B’s, two C’s. He also got a B and a C in the two dual enrollment classes he took at the CC.<br>
He had made mostly B’s with a few A’s and one C during freshman and soph years.
SAT (March of jr. year) was unimpressive and he had no interest in retaking.</p>

<p>I have walked in your shoes and worn the soles off! </p>

<p>He is a college jr. this year…loves his directional state u. and does not care that he didn’t get to go to a flagship kind of sch. After a rocky first sem. he has gotten it together and is doing fine now (he’s a jr). </p>

<p>Take heart, there will be lots of opportunities for your S.</p>

<p>My son had a pretty disasterous freshman year at college that I think still traumatizes me.</p>

<p>Missypie…in hindsight, can you attribute that to anything?</p>

<p>Did he take too many hard courses his first semester?</p>

<p>Did he take 8 am classes?</p>

<p>Were there too many distractions? (parties, nintendo, etc)</p>

<p>Neighbor guy had a D in English first semester senior year, HS GPA in the high 2s. Smart kid, very nice, not terribly motivated by academics, deep into other passions. Got into several second-tier state schools. Attended one of them.</p>

<p>First semester of college was a wake-up call, but is now a happy, successful second semester sophomore. And believe me, his parents would have pulled the plug if he weren’t doing decently. They held their breaths when he went off to school. Also laid down the rules before he left.</p>

<p>Good family friends’ D is in NorCal, was salutatorian and went to Chico (also got into Berkeley and Davis). She was not ready to make that big of a leap. She has found her classes plenty challenging and is now much more certain of who she is and what she wants. Sometimes it just takes a while for the brain to mature.</p>

<p>If a year or two would help your S wrap his head around study skills and what he wants to get out of a college education, go for it. Even if one of my kids wanted to do an apprenticeship program or go into auto mechanics, I would still recommend a core foundation in community college courses – a lot of electricians, plumbers, etc. run their own businesses, and being able to crunch numbers and communicate are important skills in ANY job, esp. when running your own business.</p>

<p>I like the book “More Attention, less deficit” which has some pragmatic approaches to executive function work. </p>

<p>My S2 does better for male teachers than female. He also does better when he can verbalize an answer instead of hand writing. Getting a laptop his HS junior year was a godsend as he can keyboard well. </p>

<p>Does your kid test well? Mine navigated a wilting GPA into several college choices by having strong SAT scores. </p>

<p>The BEST thing (IMHO) is to say “You are a terrific kid and I love you. I am not sure what’s going on with these classes and I am glad to help you do a post mortem to figure out what happened. What is important to me is that you find a path that you love so that you are happy putting in lots of effort.” That can be a very powerful thing to say and for him to hear. A few grades in HS do not define a man.</p>

<p>To the OP: I, too, have walked in your shoes. S1 is ADHD. We struggled for years, and it seemed like we were just missing something–even on meds, something wasn’t right. Jr. year was horrible, and as I watched he grades tumble, I went to the school for help and stayed in regular contact with each teacher. He had a 79.9%, but I intervened and he was allowed to do some make-up work. I refused to let up because the teacher neglected to tell me about work that was missing. If I hadn’t been in regular contact with her, I don’t think I would have prevailed. </p>

<p>We had a neuro-psychological exam done before senior year, and it changed everything. We uncovered the reasons for the struggles and put a plan into place that included a 504 service agreement and extra support to pick up some skills that he missed along the way. </p>

<p>S1 was willing to accept the help he needed, because it was the only way we would permit him to go to college of choice. We found a school with excellent supports, and he’s thriving–much better than I ever thought possible. He still requires some long distance support, but he’s managing. It can be done. </p>

<p>Hang in there. It’s a difficult journey, but everything will work out.</p>

<p>If your son is interested in improving his study skills, this book may be helpful…</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life (9780399535598): Ana Homayoun: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/That-Crumpled-Paper-Last-Week/dp/0399535594]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/That-Crumpled-Paper-Last-Week/dp/0399535594)</p>

<p>So weird. Read this thread because it resonated… and it was YOU! Hi Bflo!!!</p>

<p>I second Colorado mom’s suggestion. I loved the book and have given it as a gift to other moms of boys. It has a lot of helpful practical suggestions.</p>

<p>Don’t feel bad- a lot of us have kids in the same boat. My now 26 year old son barely scraped thru HS- I think he had 1 extra credit and a pretty low GPA. We tried to find out what he wanted to do; he is a very hands-on kid and bright but hates to sit for long. He insisted he did want to go to college so went to our CC. Again barely scraped by and kept dropping classes. Then he moved out. We continued to pay college costs at a CC out of the area, but he paid for rent. He would just take 8 or 9 units, but did work in construction. As far a work goes, he did very well and kept getting promoted- they seemed to love him! But he went to 4 different CC’s-yikes! Then all of a sudden, he decided he wanted to go into Construction Management. By now he was almost 22, but he buckled down at his CC, took full loads and finished with all A’s. Then he transferred to a state school, got straight A’s in all of his courses, earned the Presidential Scholarship for his department his Senior year, and got an internship with a large well-respected company that year. He graduated at 24, and was hired full time by the same company. He has now had 2 promotions, has studied for and passed the LEED Certification, and loves his job. All I can tell you is that something finally clicked and he did a bit of maturing. He is the only of our 4 to take such a hard path. Our other son is only 15 but is the complete opposite. He is driven to an extreme and is upset by anything less than an A; we have to keep reminding him not to take everything so seriously! While they are 12 years apart, they were raised with basically the same values- they just have different personalities. Too bad I couldn’t take them, mush them together, and end up with 2 completely well-balanced boys!!!</p>

<p>LOVE those stories!</p>

<p>BFloGal,
Our oldest was like yours. Same issues. Ours even ended up with less than a 3.0 in HS and had mediocre SAT scores yet he was admitted at several in state and out of state public universities. Some very good ones at that. Applying early to the OOS schools probably helped him (on the day the applications opened)! Perhaps your son has a particular talent or interest that would be attractive to many colleges.</p>

<p>Like other posters indicate, kids are just not on the same development time line intellectually or emotionally yet at some snapshot in time they are expected to be ‘ready’. Ours is taking his time getting his degree, but about 2 years ago he finally kicked in high gear and it all came together. It will happen to your son too. (Late bloomers unite!)</p>

<p>Here’s a question: Does your Son make his grades by himself, or with prodding/nagging/coaching from you? I think answering that question is key to determining whether he will be ready for college.</p>

<p>My son has executive function disorder. He graduated HS with a 4.7 (on a 5.0 scale) with 11 AP classes…but but for me, it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t do any of the work, but I was a constant reminder of deadlines, turning in work, etc etc etc. I wasn’t his college roommate, however, so with his “coach” gone missing, things didn’t go well. </p>

<p>If your child is able to get Bs totally on his own, he is totally capable of doing so in college. They may not be As, but he won’t be failing.</p>

<p>Your son is one very lucky young man. Why? Because you are choosing to accept and move forward with the child you have and not the one you wished you had. Do you realize how empowering that will be for him? He won’t have to worry about meeting standards he can’t or maybe does not want to meet. He won’t be pressured to go away to college and try to be someone he isn’t. </p>

<p>You are giving him a gift of acceptance that WILL help him find his way. Maybe he won’t be ready for ‘college’ as you understand the college experience to be. That doesn’t mean he won’t be able to take classes, work or do community service, etc. while maturing into a responsible and productive young man. </p>

<p>Your challenge, and mine as I have one of these young men, is to make them understand their path is not wrong or somehow lacking rather it’s simply DIFFERENT. I envision my son taking some courses (community or local commuter college) part time and, perhaps, working the rest of the time. Unlike his older brother, he won’t have the grades to get scholarships and that not ideal but it’s OK. He will get opportunities but they will look different than his brothers as they ARE different people. That doesn’t mean he won’t have every opportunity to achieve his goals or do something great with his life. </p>

<p>He needs to believe this and I need to remind myself it’s true during those times when I feel like you do…</p>

<p>Wow, I am so amazed at all the wonderful responses-- and company I seem to have-- thank you everyone! Very encouraging.</p>

<p>There is a little bright spot of good news-- I mentioned that S got a 79.9% in History, just one measly tenth of a point from a B-. Well (unbeknownst to me) his teacher hadn’t yet entered the extra credit work he had done in prep for the final. When she did, his grade went up to 81%! So now S has 1 C, 4 B’s, and one unknown. The “unknown” we are hoping is A-, since he got 92% on the written part of the final exam in that class. That would give him 3.0 for the semester. And mom here would breathe a huge sigh of relief. It won’t bring his overall GPA up to 3.0, but it’s a step in the right direction…</p>

<p>I’m not so sure he will have a wealth of college choices (CC notwithstanding), as some have suggested. This is because he wants to stay in CA (and S CA most likely). And even the CSUs are getting unbelievably competitive. (UCs are out for this kid.) Where does that leave him, other than CC, if we don’t want to “risk” investing in private college tuition?</p>

<p>Which CSU is in your catchment area?</p>

<p>HI Shrinkrap, good to hear from you again; as far as I know we are in the CSU East Bay area. Not the first choice for S. (Not crazy about Hayward…very industrial…some crime…) I just don’t see a lot of choices for a kid who wants to stay relatively close to home but who doesn’t have great stats.</p>

<p>Hi BfloGal - I’m sure your son is a wonderful young man. There is nothing, nothing, nothing wrong with him continuing on his current path and going to CC or his local Cal school. However, I would like to say that there is really no such thing as “a little ADHD”. You either are or you are not. Medication can make a world of difference in allowing your son to keep organized, hand in assignments and study effectively. It really can change his world. It will not make him “smarter”, but it may allow him to show just how smart he is. If this is not something you or he wishes to persue, then that is your choice and again, there is nothing wrong with how he is doing and where he is going. There is also nothing wrong with trying to effectively use ADHD medication to allow your DS to focus long enough to get the information required of him to do well in school, in his brain. </p>

<p>Good luck on your journey!</p>

<p>^Wouldn’t it be fair to say AHDH can be mild, moderate, or severe, based on the number of symptoms, and what percentile they fall in? For example, if using a conner’s rating scale, some might only have inattentive symptoms, and they may fall in the 80th or 90th or even the 98th percentile compared to same age, same sex peers. Even the threshold for diagnosis can vary from one provider to the next.</p>

<p>From the Child Psychiatry Academy Practice Parameters</p>

<p>“There is no empirically proven threshold of ADHD symptoms that can be used to predict treatment response to stimulant medication. Fortunately, the ratio of benefit to side effects is very favorable for MPH, DEX and AMP…The severity of the symptoms and the resulting impairment in the patient’s academic or occupational, social, and family functioning should be assessed. Only those patients with moderate to severe impairment in two different settings should be considered for stimulant treatment. A child with attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder, predominately inattentive type with severe academic problems at school and during homework may be considered for stimulant treatment, even if his peer relationships and family functioning are not otherwise affected. Teacher ratings of ADHD symptoms, using a validated and age- and sex- normed instrument, should be obtained at baseline and after treatment with stimulants”</p>

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<p>I would like to go on record as saying that unmedicated, my son is The Most Distractible Person on the Planet. Anyone else’s kid can only be Second.</p>

<p>According to the 1994, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ed. IV, (DSM-IV) ADHD is a Disruptive Behavior Disorder characterized by the presence of a set of chronic and impairing behavior patterns that display abnormal levels of inattention, hyperactivity, or their combination. </p>

<p>The point is that everyone has these same behaviors - it is when these behaviors combine to a degree that they IMPAIR your life that you then are “ADHD”. Certainly, there are children who are more impulsive and less hyperactive, or more inattentive and less impulsive. The point is that they, for the most part due to these behaviors, have difficulty sitting still long enough to memorize information, or focus long enough to remember to turn in or even do their homework. ADHD manifests itself differently in different people. However, having ADHD means that you are impaired. You may be impaired in different ways from someone else, but you are still impaired. So, you don’t get “a little or some ADHD”, you have it or you don’t. </p>

<p>The OPs description of her son is pretty classic ADHD. It’s not like he can TRY harder and get better. He can’t. It’s not that he doesn’t want to succeed and could if he just TRIED more. He can’t. Understanding that, helps parents and ADHDer understand themselves a bit more. Medication can help those kids manage their symptons better. Do better in school. However, some people are very adverse to medication. That is fine too. They understand the concequences better than anyone.</p>