I need help convincing my parents to let me apply out of state

<p>"While the OP didn’t seem to take offense at this, don’t you think that is a little harsh and assumptive given that you don’t know this person in the least? How do you know there were not emotional/grief issues involved, or other disruptions?:</p>

<p>Because she said the below, so it sounded like her grade problems were due to laziness, lack of motivation, not to grief or health issues.</p>

<p>“It’s just hard because a lot of my friends are going to really selective schools that I’m smart enough to be at, I just didn’t apply myself my first two years of high school to have the grades.”</p>

<p>Yes, like high school students are always good at saying exactly what happened. In any case, even if she is 100% accurate, I see no value in rubbing her nose in it that way. Just seemed harsh to me.</p>

<p>My friend had a similar problem, her mom only wouldn’t let her leave the county haha. She wanted her to go to a community college, and she even got accepted into a school a couple hundred miles away - just enough for her to feel like she left home. What I told her was this: reason with them the best way you can. If you come with a well thought-out argument of why you’re going and why they should let you go, they might come around. Top it off by saying, “You don’t even have to answer now. I really want you to have time to think about the points I’ve made; this is my future and I want you to consider it as carefully as I have.” Parents go nuts for the stuff, usually, and once they see that you’ve got your facts straight, they’ll be more into the idea. You show maturity, and they’ll give you more room to wiggle.</p>

<p>We’re always saying “cast a wide net” and see what happens. That’s all I’m saying. She should not be discouraged from casting a net that goes beyond NC.</p>

<p>again…</p>

<p>Emily, you need to discuss this with your parents. If they absolutely will NOT pay your tuition (regardless of the cost) if you go to school OOS, you will need to consider that when you apply to college. Some parents feel more comfortable having their kids a bit closer to home for reasons they can’t state…and the finances are just part of it. As noted by someone else, once you are away at school (someplace in NC), and are doing well…the notion of seeing you go further afield may be more acceptable to your parents.</p>

<p>BUT bottom line…if they will not pay for OOS, regardless of their reasons or the costs…then you need to consider their wishes. They are paying the bills. Someone has to do that.</p>

<p>If your earlier grades are why your parents are reluctant to send you out of state, you might want to ask them if they’d let you go OOS if your grades this year remain as good as they did last year.</p>

<p>Considering that you had 2 years of performing below your potential, I can understand your parents’ reluctance. Add to that, many students’ grades dip senior year due to senioritis. If, though, your grades remain as strong or stronger than they did during your junior year, that may be the evidence your parents require to allow you to go OOS if the costs would be the same or less than going in state.</p>

<p>This could be something to ask your parents about. You also could ask them if you could transfer if you have excellent grades in state for a year or two.</p>

<p>Of course, if you try to transfer OOS later, you won’t get the scholarships. Those big ones are offered to incoming freshmen only.</p>

<p>I basically agree with you thumper1, because that is reality. But if that was they way they were going to be, they should have told her that back when she was about 12 years old so she could prepare accordingly. And where does it stop? Since they are paying the bills, do they get to pick her major too? What clubs she gets to join? You may think that is going overboard, but doesn’t it make more sense for them to say “We are only going to pay $X for you to go to college, but you can apply that to anywhere you want.” I am only saying there is a time for parents to quit calling all the shots, and IMO in our society as it is structured today, simply footing the bill doesn’t give a parent the right to make all these decisions that are so highly impactful on the child’s life, at this stage of their life. At the very least, it is unfair to spring this on the child in her senior year, if in fact that is what they did.</p>

<p>“You may think that is going overboard, but doesn’t it make more sense for them to say “We are only going to pay $X for you to go to college, but you can apply that to anywhere you want.””</p>

<p>It will be interesting to see whether after you have kids, you still hold onto that view.</p>

<p>Her parents will be paying the bills for college, so they get to set the rules for that. While I personally do think it’s overly controlling when parents do things like pick students’ majors, I also think its within the parents’ rights.</p>

<p>In the case of this student, the parents sound similar to what I’d do. I don’t see any reason for a student to be leaving North Carolina’s excellent public educational system in order to go to go to a lower ranked school noted for Greek life and sports. The fact that the student had motivation problems earlier in high school would add to parents’ having good reason to be wary about paying for their offspring to make such a decision.</p>

<p>“At the very least, it is unfair to spring this on the child in her senior year, if in fact that is what they did.”</p>

<p>Better to spring their requirements before the student applies than after the student gets accepted, something far too many parents do.</p>

<p>*We are only going to pay $X for you to go to college, but you can apply that to anywhere you want." *</p>

<p>I agree with that premise in general. :)</p>

<p>There’s a kid on another thread that has acceptance and scholarships to two schools. One school is his parents alma mater. They are telling him that that is the ONLY school that they will pay for (after subtracting for scholarships). </p>

<p>To me, that is just being manipulative since both schools are nice decent schools, and the student prefers the school that is not his parents’ alma mater.</p>

<p>If the parents will pay $10k (or whatever) to pay for the alma mater’s balance, then they should offer to pay the same for the other.</p>

<p>While I disagree with the OP’s parents in-state ultimatum, that is their right, and no one here should be encouraging emily to go behind their backs and apply elsewhere. That’s not going to help the situation in any way.</p>

<p>But you can get a heckuva good education and a very positive college experience at a place whose t-shirt you wouldn’t wear to a CC convention. Maybe the OP should do some visits at the schools her parents are allowing her to apply to, and see if she can live with any of those.</p>

<p>Northstarmom - just another example of you making wild assumptions. I have 2 in college, and I would never dream of telling them what to study. If I haven’t done the job right up to now, it’s pretty much too late. I don’t need the power trip. Smacks of mind control to me. Sure, let me decide what my child can learn and do with their life because I decided to have them and I am paying the bills. Wow. They are 18, when do you let them start living their life? Money is what decides everything?? Because that is what you are saying. If they can pay they get to pick, if not you do. That means there is no principle involved except money controls, and if that is the case the only way that is fair is if they know that from a very young age. Springing a rule like this on them senior year of high school is WAYYY too late for them to do anything different than what they have done.</p>

<p>Anyway, this doesn’t help the OP I suppose. I just couldn’t let you get away with another invalid assumption.</p>

<p>mom2collegekids - I agree that is completely manipulative and controlling. However, based on this and other threads on this topic, there are more than a few parents out there like that. Amazing that the generation that grew up in the 60’s and 70’s could be this way.</p>

<p>no one here should be encouraging emily to go behind their backs and apply elsewhere.</p>

<p>did anyone do that? I must have missed that.</p>

<p>*Amazing that the generation that grew up in the 60’s and 70’s could be this way.
*</p>

<p>I think there is a lot of backlash.
My parents used the " im ok- you’re ok" Laissez-Faire style of parenting, and my sister joined the LDS church and my brother spent 20 + in military, both fairly structured viewpoints.</p>

<p>My own kids didn’t backlash from us quite so hard, although my boundaries were outthere- I still have them ( just that one didn’t get to them- whereas another had to bump against them every day), but they were both conservative in their behavior compared to what her dad & I were like in the 70’s.</p>

<p>(</p>

<p>“Northstarmom - just another example of you making wild assumptions…Money is what decides everything?? Because that is what you are saying. If they can pay they get to pick, if not you do.”</p>

<p>?? I’m puzzled by your response, so I assume that you misread what I had said. My point was that some parents select their kids’ majors, but that’s something that I consider overcontrolling even though I believe that if parents are paying the bills, they have the right to set the guidelines. </p>

<p>Since I’m sure that you’re the type of honorable person who wouldn’t want to unfairly blast someone, I’m sure you are sorry for misstating what I’d said.</p>

<p>As for what H and I did with our sons, we told them how much we were willing to pay, and let them select their colleges based on that. That especially limited younger S’s options since due to his almost flunking out senior year in high school (and I mean that literally: He ended up graduating with about a 2.5 unweighted) , we told him we wouldn’t pay anything for his college education until he went to college for a year on his own dime and got decent grades. </p>

<p>After a gap year with Americorps, S went to a LAC on merit aid and large loans that H and I cosigned for. After his first year, H and I started paying what we considered to be our share. We don’t worry about his grades. S needs to maintain a 3.0 to keep his merit aid from the college, and with no pushing from us, he has organized himself so he maintains a much higher gpa. His major is something that many parents would consider wildly impractical: It’s his life, his decision, and H and I are happy that he’s found a major that he loves.</p>

<p>Hi emeraldkity - Yeah, I didn’t mean that it should be an “anything goes” kind of thing with parents that grew up in the 60’s and 70’s. I meant that I would have thought that a generation that rejected the kind of overly controlling (as they saw it) society that existed back then wouldn’t be so controlling with their own kids. I know once people grow up to the reality of money and responsibility things change. I just would have also thought that the one central priniciple they were fighting for would have stuck. And I am sure it has in most cases. There are always other opoinions of course. Plus which I have no idea if people that think like Northstarmom grew up in a different culture, like maybe Asian. Not saying that is required for them to think that way or not, just that cultural norms are different in different families.</p>

<p>Northstarmom - to quote you

</p>

<p>As I then said, I have 2 kids in college. How could a Harvard grad be puzzled about such an obvious connection? So yes, I am an honorable person and no, I have no apology to make for responding quite directly to what you assumed.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Maybe I misunderstood your ambiguous “that”, but in any case I don’t think parent’s should pick where their kids go to school. They certainly have the right to limit the amount they contribute, but again that should be made clear well before senior year of high school.</p>

<p>Perhaps the OP’s parents DID encourage her to do better in school. Perhaps they did tell her that her lack of performance would limit her options. You know…as parents…we can tell our kids LOTS of things, but we can’t do the work for them. It does sound like the OP has an upward trend in her academics. That will be a good thing for her college applications.</p>

<p>We did not limit our kids’ college choices based on geography or cost. BUT that was OUR family decision. Different families have different reasons for making different decisions in these regards.</p>

<p>We don’t know all the reasons why the OP’s parents want her to stay instate. She certainly DOES have options and if the money is the only reason, she has been given some good food for thought by posters on this thread. BUT her parents may still say NO. And while I don’t agree with that…I’m not paying HER college bills and she is NOT my kiddo.</p>

<p>Fallenchemist, I don’t think that what I said is a wild assumption: “Northstarmom - just another example of you making wild assumptions…Money is what decides everything? Money is what decides everything?? Because that is what you are saying. If they can pay they get to pick, if not you do.”</p>

<p>The people who pay do get to set the rules. That’s life. It’s true even if parents are like me and didn’t set rules for the type of college that they’d pay for. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, I’m sorry that I mistook you for being a college student instead of a parent of two kids.</p>

<p>Northstarmom - are you really proud of yourself for totally misquoting me? The total quote without the incredibly misleading … is

You had to go 6 sentences futher down to tie the “wild assumptions” statement to the money question. Clearly the way you present it isn’t what I meant at all. So yes, contorting an entire statement by leaving out 7 intervening sentences is misquoting and actually rather shameful.</p>