<p>DS2 just started classes today- 1000 miles from home! I have called him a couple of times since Thursday for strategically important things (ie, "where is that hat you wanted me to send?") He has never been good at responding to e-mails even though he is a real techy kid. I need to just chill and let it all happen naturally but he had a difficult couple of years in HS and I need a little reassurance that things are going along fine. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>BTW the 2 times that I spoke to him he sounded happy so what's my problem?!!!!</p>
<p>It’s okay, you’re normal. XD I think it would be okay to give him a call tomorrow evening or the day after to ask how his first days of classes are going, as long as you don’t go overboard. He needs independence-- which means you can’t nag and be a part of every single day, not that you have to drop off the face off the earth entirely. When I start on the 8th I think I’ll be sort of offended if my parents don’t seem interested in knowing how my first days of classes go.</p>
<p>Do you text? My son is really good about texting… it’s really not intrusive in the least. A simple question of “how’d it go?” or What do you think of <insert class=“” here=“”>? would at least give me a hint and most likely, if he had the time, he’d pick up the phone and just dial back instead of typing it all. And if he just typed, that’s good too. It’s just a matter of hearing that he’s still alive and actually, not needing to “talk” is great if you think about it.</insert></p>
<p>With the older 2, I was set up with IM and left it on whenever I was home. I’d often get ‘R U there?’.
The last one is not often on IM; we’ll send random texts with bits of news. If the other responds quickly we may end up actually calling.</p>
<p>So my suggestion is not to call but to text ‘Hope you are heaving a great day’</p>
<p>We’ve found the same results regarding texting as Modadunn. Texting got me a quick (and usually short, but at least it was something!) response every time last year. It seems that emails are becoming the adult way of quickly corresponding, not so much for these kids. </p>
<p>Problem is I can type a helluva lot faster than I can text. I guess that is the most frustrating part; for my 10 minute attempt at texting, I usually get two-three words back! :)</p>
<p>KandKsmom,
If you have Verizon and go to their wireless webpage, you can compose and send a text from there using your computer keyboard; for no cost.
I’d guess other providers offer online texting as well.</p>
<p>I always hesitate to text because it takes me 10 minutes to text 3 words so I will definately look into the verizon online texting options. I appreciate all of your responses and I will call or online text tomorrow to see how the first 2 days of classes went. Oh how I wish I could be a fly on the wall:)</p>
<p>I suggest arranging a day/night and time window - that your S chooses - for your S to call each week. If he can’t call at the appointed time, ask him to text or e-mail to let you know when he will call. </p>
<p>You need to be willing to have some of those calls be “I’m fine…gotta go”. Others will be longer and detailed.</p>
<p>I know this policy hasn’t worked for everyone, but it’s worked for us. Every once in a while we get a call or an e-mail on the non-call day…and it’s a bonus! The few times we’ve absolutely needed a response to something, we send an e-mail and put “PLEASE REPLY” in the subject. Haven’t done that more than 1 or 2 times/semester…so kid knows we really do need a response!</p>
<p>Also…find the thread started by HELMS2LEE titled something like “We miss him…does he miss us.” It’s a CC classic…with lots of good advice. (I seem to be pushing that thread a lot these days…)</p>
<p>S will respond to my text “are you alive?”
Says ‘yes’</p>
<p>The best communicating we do is when I catch him on gmail— i get happy when I see his little green light, as I know it means he is alive, and I can do an online chat. He’s much more verbose chatting than he is texting or in a phone call.</p>
<p>Agree with 2boys. With my S1 it worked much easier to ask him to pick a day/time and give me a call. He did and it was good for me. As time and years have gone by we’ve drifted from the once a week at a specified time to sometimes I call and sometimes he calls, but in the “early days” I was nervous and needed to hear from him once a week. If I don’t hear from him for a couple weeks, I text with a “Call me when you get a chance” and he normally will “check in.” OP, I’m guessing your son is busy. I’m guessing your son is happy. Generally the kids call more when things are not so great and rarely call when things are going well. It’s only been a few days so give it a few more. Good luck.</p>
<p>Don’t ask the usual questions. Take him a bit by surprise with what you want to know.</p>
<p>l. Find an inconsequential news tidbit from home for him to react to, such as: a dog’s new trick, you saw his old friend with a new haircut, a neighbor got a new car. Sometimes it’s just relaxing for kids to hear mild, pleasant news from home; no drama.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Try this: “did anything surprising happen today?” </p></li>
<li><p>If you have to call him, always start with, “are you able to talk for a minute?” and respect his answer. I agree with many above that text messages fit into college rhythms better than unexpected cellphone rings from Mom. Every family is different. I admire those who can plan calls; doesn’t work for us.</p></li>
<li><p>Ask him, “Now that you see how campus works, how would you like us to stay in touch?” Let him come up with some ideas (times, technologies, who calls whom). If he helps develop the plan, he’ll feel more invested in it. Agree to try it out for a few weeks and see if it works. It takes time and a bit of experimenting to come up with a rhythm that’ll work for you and him. </p></li>
<li><p>For things that are big in your heart and mind (like #4) , my H taught me the most useful phrase to end conversations with our kids, when I’m not entirely satisfied or it feels inconclusive: “Well, think about it.” That dignifies them. Introduce a new idea and let them stay with it for a few days, chat it around with friends, forget it and remember it again when you next call. Let issues float…</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Thanks-paying3tuitions-lol-my screen name was chosen quite intentionally to remind me that “whatever will be, will be” (Thanks also to Doris Day!) I needed an extra reminder this time! So much good,sound advice - I will ask my DS2 how and when he would like to communicate. My DS1 has always been a bigger communicator and more of a homebody too, so we haven’t gone through this until now.</p>
<p>When D1 went off to college 5 years ago, AIM was all the rage. If we were both on the computer at the same time, I could send her a message and we could “chat” quickly. We found that she didn’t mind little snippets of communication, but anything long would be put in the “read later” pile (which would never be read later). She rarely answered emails, letters, etc. and would call us on the phone when she was walking somewhere.</p>
<p>D2 is going off to college next month and the communication landscape has changed. I suppose the new way to communicate is through texting. I may have to reactivate my text plan. And get a new phone that doesn’t make me knock three times to make a “C”.</p>
<p>Sometimes I want to talk longer than DD does, and I have occasionally been reduced to asking: “Do you have any entertaining stories I can tell my friends at lunch?” That usually yields a fun anecdote about life on campus. (DD and my work friends like each other.)</p>
<p>At the beginning of DD’s freshman year I would write questions I needed to ask her on a notecard to prevent myself from calling too often. We worked out an amount of communication that we could live with: I require a 7 minute “visit” call once a week. I need it like water or air. She humors me. Some weeks we talk a lot more and other weeks not a lot.</p>
<p>im works well for us during the daytime when I am at work. I get those little “are you there?” messages now and then, too.</p>
<p>We discusssed this issue very explicitly when our son was first in college. In other words, I said something like: “I am going to want to talk to you more than you may want to talk to me, so I just want to know what a comfortable amount of contact is for you for the first month you are there.” He said he was fine with twice/week for the first weeks. He actually called me more than that!</p>
<p>I find that he calls me a lot when he is first in a place: for about a week. Then, contact drops to once a week, at most. I kind of “go with it.”</p>
<p>Now he is 23 and has moved across the country for a job. So he is really, permanently, far away. We had the same conversation about what was a comfortable level of contact for him.</p>
<p>Once again, for the first week out there, he called me a lot: about silly things like cooking questions, or whether to buy laundry soap in the store or at the laundromat. Honest. This is a kid who has been extremely independent for 4 years, and he called me about soap. Also about buying a bed and about researching bikes.</p>
<p>After that week, he hasn’t called a single time. I asked him if a weekly call from me was good, and he said yes. So, we catch up on news every Sunday, roughly (we aren’t rigid about the day, but approximately every week).</p>
<p>I think he likes it that we discuss this, and that the contact is basically on his terms, because I ask. Also, the topic is on the table so he can feel free to change it. It would be awful if I didn’t say I wanted to call. The kids may not want the contact, but I do think they need at least to know that we do!</p>
<p>I just texted my son- 3 words-“mornin! need address”- and he called me back on his way to class. we didn’t talk long but he sounds fine. I may need to upgrade my phone too!</p>
She humors me. Some weeks we talk a lot more and other weeks not a lot.</p>