<p>DD has been at school just over a week now. In that time I have received one email asking me to send her some clothes she had left behind and I responded that I would. I emailed her twice and got no response. I called her a couple of days after I got home to say I was thinking of her and did not get a return call. I called Friday and did not get a return call; I called Saturday morning and reached her although she sounded grouchy (she had just woken up) and didn't really want to talk. She has not picked up the phone since then and has not returned any calls (me, her brother, her grandmother).</p>
<p>I probably sound like I'm stalking her but I'm starting to get a little worried and more than a little irritated. We went from seeing her and at least exchanging a few pleasantries every day (she was gone a lot this summer with jobs and social life) to almost no contact for a week and a half. I hear that other kids talk or IM their parents every day or two, and she's usually pretty social. </p>
<p>Should I just back off and wait for her to initiate contact? What would you do?</p>
<p>hmmmm. Unless you are worried about her mental health, I would let her initiate contact. At the end of her first call, talk with her about your expectations for contact. :)</p>
<p>No worries about her mental health, but like any parent of a freshman, I just want to know she's settling in OK, and if she isn't talking to us I start worrying that she's miserable and hating everything and is still regretting not going to Flagship U. with all of her friends (she started to get cold feet about a week before she left for school).</p>
<p>I can see where you'd be a little anxious, but maybe she thinks you are checking up on her too much. My son has been at school a couple of weeks and I'll get calls between classes and once to ask about laundry. I have e-mailed him but don't expect a reply and haven't gotten any. I'm letting him call when he feels like it and that's been fine so far. I agree with anxiousmom that unless there's a health issue, it might be best to wait. I suppose if she needs something, she'll call.</p>
<p>I hear your frustration. But if she were having trouble, she'd probably call and tell you. Give her a few more days, then send an email letting her know that you don't want to bother her but you'd like to hear from her occasionally to let you know how things are going, because you care. Ask her what she thinks is reasonable for her to contact you (once a week?).</p>
<p>I am reminded of what I wrote in another thread, a story from the Parent Coordinator at DS's LAC. If you really want your kid to call you, send her a card that says, "I haven't heard from you so I assume things are going well. I love you and am proud of you. Here's a check to take your new friends out for pizza." Mail the card, but DON'T put the check in it. She'll call you looking for the money, and you can take it from there.</p>
<p>You should be irritated. It's rude for her not to return calls, especially to her grandmother and brother (kids can get away with more with their parents, as I'm sure you know!). If you want to be straight with her, make it clear that since you are paying for her education--which I'm assuming you are--(and you raised her, if you want to go that route), you expect to be kept up to date on what's happening in her life. Set up a time to talk once a week that will work for both of you, or you can arrange to email or something similar. </p>
<p>Let her initiate contact, and then explain your expectations and reasoning. If she doesn't call or contact you in the next week, then try again. </p>
<p>That's my take at least. I'm a female college student, by the way.</p>
<p>We set up some guidelines about communicating before we left him--that my hubbie and I would send e-mails whenever we wanted and he could answer them whenever he wanted. Also that we wanted to talk on the phone once a week, suggesting Sunday afternoons. This has worked great so far. Turns out he's answered almost every e-mail--this is how he prefers to communicate--and we had a nice phone conversation yesterday. He asked us to call him because he might forget. We called and left a message with his roommate and DS called us back when he got in.</p>
<p>I've tried not to ask too many questions, especially about how he's doing. I tell him what we're doing and I send him the Final Jeopardy answer because we always used to watch this together.</p>
<p>I wouldn't show a lot of irritation--though it's natural to feel it--and just convey that you love her and would feel better with some regular contact. I know she's a good kid, she may just need a few guidelines. Or ask her what she's comfortable with and work out a deal that you both can live with.</p>
<p>Although not returning calls is impolite, and at some future point this may need to be made clear to your daughter, perhaps right now she simply needs some space. </p>
<p>Some kids seem to need this at the beginning of college; some don't. My son seemed to need it more than my daughter does. But even my daughter prefers e-mail to phone calls because it's feels less intrusive to her.</p>
<p>I agree that she's being a somewhat rude regarding the calls but I think it's good to let out some slack in the line at this time. If you add up the calls from you, her bro, her grandmother, and maybe some others, she's probably on the receiving end of too many calls right now at a time she might be trying to be independent. Let her know she can contact you anytime and that you wouldn't mind hearing her voice once a week or so. Aside from that, try to get her in the habit of responding to a 'what's-up' email or text message every now and then (not all the time) since that's how most students communicate nowadays. </p>
<p>Also, remember that as a college student her schedule likely shifted unless she's an athlete. Saturday morning your time is like the middle of the night her time. She's likely to have lots of activities going on now including meeting a lot of new people, etc. and it could be that by the time she gets time to call you (or that she thinks of it), it's three in the morning and it's too late to call. </p>
<p>She'll probably settle into a routine after the first couple of weeks. Things will probably work out fine but let things slide for a couple of weeks and realize there's nothing personal against you or any of the other callers.</p>
<p>See if you can figure out her schedule. I find that the best time to talk with my son is when he is walking between classes. If he is not with a friend, I can have a conversation. If he is with friends, he lets me know, and I'll call back another time. We went through the communication negotiations last year. It took a few weeks before he was more willing to talk. He now often calls me when he is between classes.</p>
<p>I don't expect too much, but if I'm paying the bills, then my kid had better communicate with the billpayer!!! S has been wonderful about the emails/texting - most generated from him. I have restrained myself from giving the ol' motherly advice (aka nagging), and just kept the exchanges light and breezy - most have been quick questions anyway. So far, so good!</p>
<p>I have learned to text message! (Didn't think of this until halfway through his 1st year) I send a message saying "Call me when you can." It's not intrusive, and he can decide when to call. </p>
<p>If he's free, he often calls right away. otherwise, I hear from him later in the day.</p>
<p>But I try NOT to overdo this! I almost always save this for when there is a real reason to call: an important piece of mail has come, some family news that I know he'll want to hear, I'm making travel plans for him.....or to remind him that it's been a week or so since we've heard from him. (We have agreed on once a week or so as the minimum)</p>
<p>"I hear that other kids talk or IM their parents every day or two, and she's usually pretty social. "</p>
<p>I am a former college professor. My experience has been that the kids who call/email their parents every day usually are either very lonely in college ( so call their parents/family to get some kind of social contact), are very unhappy in college (and are calling to complani) or are tied to their parents' apron strings. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general, I don't think that most kids call or e-mail daily.</p>
<p>My thoughts are that you'd have heard from her if something was wrong. Since you're not hearing from her, probably things are fine. In fact, she's probably being her very social self and meeting new friends. </p>
<p>I do suggest that you have an agreement for a weekly phone call or e-mail from her and have a mutually agreeable time for that to happen. Try not to sound impatient or angry because then she may just go through the motions because she'll feel that she's being forced to communicate, not doing so because she wants to. Speaking from experience because when I was in college, my mom wanted me to write her every week, and would become upset and angry when I didn't. I loved my mom a lot, but felt that those kind of communications didn't come from my heart, and I got back at her by communicating in a passive aggressive way. </p>
<p>Hopefully, your D isn't that immature, but just in case, try to emphasize the fact that you'd like to hear from her more often because you miss her and love her, not because due to your paying the bills, she should feel obligated to contact you frequently.</p>
<p>Northeastmom's son (#10) had the same routine as our son's. Called only between buildings, and because of the +3 hour time (EST) difference, he called when he was going to his project office, or his club's hangout, typically 8-9pm PST. A <10 minute conversation. Get used to it.</p>
<p>One of my D's does the same thing as NEMom's and thisoldman's kids - call while walking (and killing time) between classes. This seems to be the time they're least occupied and there's no way they want to walk without a phone in their ear.</p>
<p>Make sure you are clear with expectations when you take your child to school. I told D that it is expected that she calls her grandmother (87 yrs old) twice a week and at different times during the week. I also told her to call dad at least once a week with some electronic/computer question. He has been pacing ever since we left her. I also told her that she is welcome to call me daily, weekly or email me as often as she likes. I would look forward to hearing from her, but I know her time is valuable and I will hear the scoop from her grandmother and her dad. Those realtionships are critical. Mine is a given so I want her to not feel pressured from me. IT makes me really happy to hear from her grandmother that she called and smile inside when she called dad and asked a computer question. I told her I am alwasy there for her 24/7 should she need anything. It is all about establishing the expectations ahead of time to avoid hurt feelings later on.</p>
<p>I had to laugh at S when he called the other night to say hello while he was taking out the trash. We talked for about 5 minutes and then I heard someone else talking and he said "I've got to go, okay?" </p>
<p>I love the quick phone calls just to say "I'm having a great time"</p>
<p>I guess where I cringed was where I saw that she was not only not returning your phone calls, but her brothers, and her grandmothers. I think that many family members calling at once (although not intended) is too much. If her first one or two weeks of school is anything like my daughters, she's incredibly busy, and resents having one more task added to her agenda. </p>
<p>I'd definitely continue to have short contacts with her... a brief e-mail, an IM message (sometimes I IM my daughters just to say goodnight, even if I know they're away and won't get it until after I'm asleep), but with no expectations that she respond, unless you have a specific question only she can answer, and you make it clear she needs to get back to you (for example - I had to IM my daughter tonight to get one of her PIN numbers so I could deposit a check of hers that came). </p>
<p>I still bet it's a matter of being overwhelmed... how many times do our kids have to run to the bookstore, even if they did pre-order everything, in the first week. Or go meet with an advisor, or attend a dorm meeting. There's lots of things going on in the first week that are distracting.</p>
<p>D1 attends a larger school, and does have 5-10 minute walks between some classes and her room, and has sometimes called me. D2 attends a very small school, and would just about reach me on the phone after leaving one building when she'd have to enter another building. My biggest gripe is that her cell phone gets horrible reception in her dorm room proper. </p>
<p>Also, D1 kind of had a melt down when we dropped her off freshman year, and I heard from her more often. D2 barely looked back, and her communication has been much less frequent and informative. Different kids react differently to this transition and need to find their own ways of adjusting.</p>