<p>I feel for you, lmkh - with a large family (how many kids - I’m unclear) and 3 with autism. A hard, hard road.</p>
<p>Nonetheless, I think that if truly you couldn’t afford to do much for the oldest beyond perhaps comm college, I don’t think it was wise to get him all excited about colleges far from home, that he’s now accepted to, loves, is about to visit for accepted student weekend, etc. when it just isn’t in the cards. I’m not sure what the thought process was, but I think it’s far kinder to “pull the plug” prior to applying than to have an acceptance out there that can never be used.</p>
<p>I have heard of people graduating college, and not being able to get a job anyway because they have never worked a day in their lives. They just expect to be hired and given top jobs, just because they finished college, having never worked or paid their dues. I think they call this the “generation y.” I have been hearing from my sister that she has had 2 people she hired in the last year, straight out of college, who barely worked and yet, came in and tried to demand promotions and raises within 6 months, claiming they earned it because they had been there 6 months. </p>
<p>I think, even if you have the money, it is not good to raise children to be entitled.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl…we can afford beyond community college. We can afford the state university. He has chosen a private school and does not want to even visit the state university, or get a job or apply for scholarships to pay the difference.</p>
<p>And the amount I have asked him to earn, is not that much. He could have been working full time last summer, but chose to sit around and play video games. He never applied for a single job or scholarship. I am asking him to earn a few thousand, not tens of thousands of dollars.</p>
<p>sue22 – I can see the car argument. I personally think that transportation in modern society is quite a bit more important than a college education. I live in a fairly rural area with no public transportation whatsoever – besides school buses. Except for those that are lucky enough to work from home, transportation is essential to gainful employment. The few jobs that I have applied for have all asked if I have reliable transportation.<br>
I realize that I am on CC – so almost everyone here thinks that college is essential, but it isn’t for everyone.</p>
<p>And frankly, my husband and I both worked by the time we were 16 yrs old on. The idea that our son would refuse to get a job was a shock for us. We have tried to push him to get a job. I even went out of my way to find a few places that were hiring. I also matched him up with a place that would help him get a job. But, he turned it all down because he did not feel like it.</p>
<p>And also, I kind of feel like if a person is so unwilling to try at all, that they probably do not have what it takes to get through college.</p>
<p>I actually ended up speaking to his school counselor today. She said that I need to stop feeling guilty about his special needs and realize that he was capable of working, just unwilling. And she would never go out of her way to pay the extra money for the private school for a child who refused to get any sort of job. We have no problem paying for the state university. But the private school costs twice as much. </p>
<p>I have read most of the responses here. And you know, I know how I feel now. No one really agrees. Some think kids should just be given everything, regardless. But I think most think kids should work for at least some, if not all. I am only asking that my son work for some. Both of the kids (and all of them in the end, I only have 2 preparing for college right now) need to work for what they want. </p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback! It helped me sort through my feelings even if I do not agree with everyone.</p>
<p>Well, I can certainly see why you have taken the position you have. It seems he does need to develop a little more of a work ethic and lose the entitlement attitude.</p>
<p>Good luck…I hope you let us know how it all shakes out…</p>
<p>Smokymtgirl-
I can see your point for kids who aren’t in school, but what I see a lot of are high school kids whose parents buy them a car so they don’t have to take the bus or arrange rides. Cars are expensive to own and operate and I know very few high school kids who truly need a car. In most cases the cost to gas up, insure, and maintain a car is more than the money a kid can earn at the job they “need” the car to get to.</p>
<p>For some families it is more convenient to have cars for their kids so they wouldn’t need to drive their kids to school or ECs. D1 had a car as soon as she was able to drive because it saved us a lot of time. We viewed cars as utilities, so we paid for all expenses associated with a car for D1. The time she saved us was worth the money we spent on her car. Now we live in a city where public transportation is readily available, we pay for D2 unlimited metro card and taxis when it is late. It is all about getting your kids where they need to go safely and economically.</p>
<p>Or the parents buy themselves a new car but keep the old car instead of selling it so that the kids can use the old car to drive themselves places…</p>
<p>Different strokes for different folks. Guess I shouldn’t judge how other families handle their finances. Giving the kids a car might make sense in some families. I just don’t see my kids as having a substantially greater need for private transportation at 17 or 18 than they did at 15 or 16. We just continued to do what we did before they could drive- arranged carpools, gave them occasional rides, let them ride their bikes or take the school bus. The fact that they wanted to be independently mobile did not mean we had to make that happen. For our kids it was considered a luxury, and therefor something they needed to pay for themselves. One has chosen to put all his disposable income into a car. The other has chosen to save for other purposes. Perhaps it’s different in other states but where I live once a kid has their own car the insurance skyrockets and I’d rather use those funds to give my kids more college options.</p>
<p>It’s an individual and family decision, and every situation is unique - so no judging right or wrong. On the one side, taking out loans in this economy to support your child is tough to swallow, especially if there are financial challenges for the family and less expensive options open to them. On the other side, the costs of a decent 4-year University have gotten so ridiculous, most people (students and/or parents) need some level of loans to cover the costs - you can look at the % of students taking loans today vs. previous decades and you’ll quickly understand the trend. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that question based on your student, your family/financial situation, what the school offers, etc.</p>
<p>Sue22–we did the carpool thing for years. As soon as the kids got their license I was SO done with that :D. We are in the “kept the old car” category. Our kids do need a car as their sports practice is 12 miles away, no bus service. Yes, I could drive them but then I would have to go and pick them up again. It’s a convenience for me, not them:D. Try taking a Bari Saxophone case on a bus or bike :D.</p>
<p>One more thing to add on the car - my son is out of state, and it’s cheaper for him to keep his car there and drive home on breaks than fly home. He is also a music major and does “gigs” at various locations out of the area, so a car is a necessity. That, and he has a heavy, expensive instrument worth about as much as his car (bought the car used for $4500, his money, my decision), so I’m not about to see that instrument damaged from weather, other students, etc. I should mention he is OOS and on a music scholarship, but as noted a car makes total sense for some of us.</p>
<p>@SteveMA, I hear you! Just wrote the same thing about my son and his instrument…decent used cars for a decent price aren’t easy to find these days, I ended up with a 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe (we wanted something with some metal, room, yet decent mileage)…looked at a LOT of junk on Craig’s List but found this one and it’s been fantastic! No car payments, his cash we had saved since he was a little kid, $4500. Have put new tires and a timing belt on as part of the normal service, but all in all a great car for the $$$.</p>
<p>The only killer, and I have to agree with some of the comments above, is the friggin’ insurance…THAT is painful and we (parents) are covering 100% of those costs.</p>
<p>@Cromette - “My kids know the score ahead of time. We have told them their whole lives. We don’t pay for college and we don’t pay for weddings.”</p>
<p>I am going to assume that you are not in a financial position to pay for either of these things. Otherwise, I must be honest and say I have a hard time understanding your position. Very few 18 year olds have the resources to fund an education on their own, yet they are at a severe disadvantage in the employment market without some sort of degree. College educations come in all shapes and sizes, and the cost can vary from very reasonable to astronomical. Certainly, if you are facing severe financial hardships yourself, then education might, and probably should be, last on your list. But if not, it would seem a reasonable expectation that parents would help to make ends meet for a community college or state university. It seems like a wise investment and something that just kind of comes with the territory when you are a parent. </p>
<p>As for the weddings, are you saying that you would refuse to throw a wedding for one of your daughters in your backyard for immediate family and close friends? One of the best weddings I ever attended (and I have been to many) was a backyard BBQ with about 60 people in attendance. Honestly, it could not have cost more than $1500 in total. </p>
<p>Absent extenuating circumstances, I think there is a certain amount of good will that you lose with your children when you take a hard line with these sorts of things.</p>
<p>HarvestMoon1–why do you assume that? Some kids actually DO pay for both college and a wedding on their own, just not in CC land. Our kids will end up “paying” for college mostly on their own via scholarships. It’s not that hard nor uncommon. As for weddings, we will cross that bridge when we get to it but even back when we got married almost ALL of our friends paid for their own weddings. We all thought it was silly that our parents would pay for something like that when we had jobs and bank accounts.</p>
<p>In CC land, it seems every kid has a full scholarship to college. I really wonder if it’s true that it’s “not that hard” for a kid to pay for college mostly on their own via scholarships. I guess it’s not that hard for the top echelon of students, but it seems to me that there are plenty of bright, accomplished kids, who nevertheless, are unable to secure full rides to college. Both of my kids have gotten some merit money, but neither one of them was able to go to college (state institutions) without significant help from us.</p>
<p>Your son is 18, not 22 and graduating from college. You can certainly put some conditions on allowing him to pick the college he prefers on May 1. Tell him that in order to attend there, he needs to:</p>
<ol>
<li> Go find a part time job starting prior to that date. If he is not working part time on May 1 to earn money for school (possibly his own spending money and books?), then he can go to the state U.</li>
<li> Tell him he needs to work part time at college. Pretty much every kid can get 6 or 8 hours a week in the food service at college if they want it, or some other job around campus.</li>
</ol>
<p>Make attending the private college contingent on these actions. If you asked him with no leverage before and it didn’t work, you need to apply some leverage now. But to be fair, you should tell him NOW so he can start seriously looking for a job if he really wants to go to this school.</p>
<p>Plus, there is no guarantee he will work more if he goes to the state school… which college you pick has no bearing on whether he gets work experience or not (unless he is in some kind of co-op program, which does not sound like the case for any of his choices). So if you are worried he will come out of college with no work experience, that is actually not dependent on which college he attends.</p>
<p>OP - You are in a tough situation. If your son won’t work, then CC or State U seem decent options. But for some kids they are too big, easy to get lost. I’m hoping you won’t need to give up preschool - I think that can be really beneficial. </p>
<p>“We, as parents, don’t pay for college.” - We do, but each family approaches things differently. For really smart kids, there are scholarship options. For really low income families, there maybe be enough FA. For most student, CC is the only option… and that is ok too, especially if they’ve known the scoop ahead of time.</p>