<p>Oh, also, I don’t want this thread to scare people into not letting their kids go to college far away or anything like that. I just want a reality check so that 1) current parents of college-aged kids who might be struggling don’t feel like they’re alone, and 2) parents of future college students are forewarned that senior year really may not be the worst of their parenting lives. How’s that for optimism??? lol</p>
<p>They say you are as happy as you unhappiest child and they do not put a time limit on it. It’s as inevitable as labor pains.</p>
<p>One of my daughters is 2000 miles away and yes, I worry, but that comes with the territory (being a worrier, being a parent).</p>
<p>I had anticipated feeling weepy and the like when he flew the nest but I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to watch him struggle from afar. Overall, his freshman year has been good but there have been bumps on the road and it’s far different than it was in high school in terms of trying to figure out my role. </p>
<p>I don’t want to barge in and make him feel like I believe he cannot handle it yet I don’t want to leave him out there on his own when I have gathered a bit of wisdom over the years. </p>
<p>Has anyone else noticed that there are dozens of books at the bookstore/library about taking care of infants/toddlers/children but virtually no books about learning how to be the parent of an adult child? I think it’s because this end is way harder. I was thankful for CC during the application process but I am doubly thankful now for the support and not feeling alone in this part of parenting.</p>
<p>“…as happy as least happy child.” Amen!!!</p>
<p>But give yourself a break. I believe in an ideal situation your kids are the most important & most loved people in a parent’s life. Wouldn’t it be more painful to have that close relationship suddenly be done just because they hit a particular age or life milestone? </p>
<p>When D left for college 3 years ago she thought it meant she “shouldn’t” talk as much to me as she always had because she was in college and “college students shouldn’t call or need their parents ‘so much’ if they are grown ups…” I just laughed and asked, “What rule book is that written in? Call whenever. After-all, if you can’t rely on your parents to have ONLY your best interests at heart when advising you, who can you rely on? Another just out of the house 18 year old with limited life experience? Seriously? You’re smarter than that.”</p>
<p>In the three years since, I’ve learned:
- most of the time once they call and vent, they are releasing the problem by doing so, and it’s up to us parents to not keep the “issue” alive beyond that.
- the world, their life, their goals are not going to be irreparably damaged by a bad grade or several; life is about adjusting to reality. (I even have uttered the words-wait for it-hold on to your seats-“Thank God you got a D so you passed the class!”)
- C’s are NOT bad grades. Will they get you into Harvard Law or a top med school? No, but maybe they weren’t meant to go there, adjust.
- as the people who love them the most, it is up to us as parents to give them an occasional dose of reality either gently, or if that doesn’t work, bluntly.</p>
<p>All in all, my kids know I’m their mom and I’m here to stay whether they like it or not, although I let them take the lead on flying the nest emotionally. I’m thankful they still need me… Enjoy the ride.</p>
<p>Actually there are several good books I remember reading years ago about the parenting role but all their titles escape me and I’ve passed them on. I’ll see if I can dig a little to come up with them.
One more thing, for the majority, things DO get easier & better as they grow and mature. It’s the exception that they don’t.</p>
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<p>I had a neighbor who said one time that she knew just about everything there was to know about raising children. Her oldest at the time was about 12. My oldest at the time was 19 and was struggling to keep her head above water at college. (She didn’t, but am happy to say that 7 years later it’s going pretty well.)</p>
<p>What I mean to say is that I think there are so many books on really young kids because it’s a little easier to understand those stages. And the reason there aren’t so many of the older kids (although I did like “Ready or Not here life comes”) is because by the time you have kids that age or have cared for kids that age is that you know there is no one way, no right way, no only way. And too… we’re all just glad to have survived it for the most part and know for absolute certainty that when it comes to ANY other kid, there but for the grace of God go I.</p>
<p>As for the citation - Son did that and we chalked it up to stupidity and youth. In fact, we had a total of three “notes” from the school during son’s freshman year. Boneheaded comes to mind, but in the conversation with the Dean she relayed that it was pretty typical and by sophomore year they mostly settle down. We didn’t let son off the hook, but inside we were like, “this too shall pass” and it did. Or maybe… he just got better at not getting caught. Bottom line is, it’s working.</p>
<p>As for a financial penalty - I never ever want my kids to feel entitled. The best saying I’ve heard in recent weeks is the one that went something like… nothing worse than a kid who was born on third base and acting as if they’d hit a triple… so not sure if I would pay the fine myself or let it lapse, but in either case, my kid would be paying the debt, eventually maybe, but he would be paying it.</p>
<p>Good thread, YDS, and good input from all the contributors. I was one of those kids who went off to college and decided that B+/A- was good enough. After all, all the kids were as smart as I was (or smarter), unlike the kids in HS. And extracurriculars and social life were where some of the best learning went on. I turned out ok. And I still believe in the balance thing, though I admit it is hard as a parent to restrain myself from pushing them, and from worrying (how hard will it be to get into grad school? why do all these other kids have fabulous internships and mine don’t? and so on). Then again, I am a natural born worrier and it really doesn’t help anyone. Not them and not me.</p>
<p>My best wishes to all of you with kids who are really struggling one way or another.</p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder if our generation’s style of parenting is too smothering. We all cite the newest brain studies so we have an excuse to micro-manage until our kids are in their mid twenties. We know their grades, the details of their social lives and extra-curricular activities, and everything else about their lives. How much of this is hindering our kids instead of helping them develop into independent, responsible adults?</p>
<p>This topic comes up quite often in my circle of friends and we all agree that our parents parented from a distance when we were in high school and then let us fly once we got to college. All of us graduated and found jobs and apartments. We didn’t check in with mom and dad daily or even weekly, and they didn’t bother us either. We all figured it out, sometimes the hard way, but we did it.</p>
<p>Today my friends and I are successful, independent, and fairly well adjusted people. If our parents had been as involved in our lives as we are in our kid’s lives I’m not sure that we would be in the same place that we are today.</p>
<p>My daughter learned to do her laundry before she left for college, she learned to cook because I insisted that both of my kids learn that important skill. My husband taught her to balance a check-book and advised her on financial responsibility. We gave her a lump sum of money for the first semester of her freshman year and she knew that if she spent it she’d have to wait until second semester for more. She came home for Christmas break with several hundred dollars left in her account. </p>
<p>She also knows that if she wants to get into grad school or med school (hasn’t totally decided) that she needs to maintain a certain GPA. If she doesn’t do well she knows that she will have to rely on her undergrad to get her where she wants to go in life. </p>
<p>Finally, both of our kids know that when they graduate from college they will have to find a job and an apartment because it will be time to be grown ups. If they live at home they will pay rent and can’t expect me to make their meals or clean up after them. </p>
<p>Hopefully, my husband and I have taught our kids to be independent and self-reliant, like our parents taught us. I say hopefully because I’m a control freak and have been guilty of micro-managing my kid’s lives at times. However, my daughter told me while she was home for spring break that she does better in school when I’m not there asking her if she remembered to do her homework!</p>
<p>Here’s some resources:
<a href=“http://www.reinhardt.edu/parents/Articles%20For%20Parents/parenting-tips.html[/url]”>http://www.reinhardt.edu/parents/Articles%20For%20Parents/parenting-tips.html</a>
<a href=“http://www.collegeparenting.com/[/url]”>http://www.collegeparenting.com/</a>
<a href=“http://www.parent.umn.edu/faq.html[/url]”>http://www.parent.umn.edu/faq.html</a></p>
<p>This was compiled after surveying college freshmen at UMN: <a href=“http://www.parent.umn.edu/parentshould.html[/url]”>http://www.parent.umn.edu/parentshould.html</a>
<a href=“http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/lettinggo.htm[/url]”>http://youngadults.about.com/od/parentinggrownups/a/lettinggo.htm</a></p>
<p>Here are the two I remember reading:
“Don’t Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to College”
Johnson, Helen E., and Schelhas-Miller, Christine
(2000) St. Martin’s Press
And this one was best:
“You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years”
Savage, Marjorie
(2003) New York: Simon & Schuster</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html</a></p>
<p>Many college-and-beyond kids I know found this article insightful.</p>
<p>My $.02.</p>
<p>I’m beginning to think the 18-26 years are the hardest years for the parents and for the sons and daughters. </p>
<p>Here is why. </p>
<p>Well, first of all, this isn’t new, fitting in socially can be challenging espcially in new environments. I feel like both my kids can handle this challenge. But then we have the sexual awareness thing (for lack of a better term). Sex, again, has always presented challenges for some but back in my day I don’t remember the fear of actually dying from partaking in it. There are just wayyyyyyy too many things going around for sex to be uncomplicated. </p>
<p>So, in addition to junior having to listen to his parents whine about how good his grades are he has to deal with de-virginizing himself too. </p>
<p>Then we have careers. Oh, yes. I hope you are sitting down. It is a bit difficult to even know what jobs are going to look like this century then it was 30 years ago when the USA was an economic power. Oh, sure, we still have the biggest economy on earth ($12 T compared to China’s $4 T) but most expect the Chinese to pass us around 2050. That shouldn’t be a problem for them since we seem happy to export our jobs to lower wage places. My point is trying to align ones major to ones career can give one a real headache since it is hard to figure out what careers will be around and pay well. Much of that planning happens in the 18-26 age range it seems to me. </p>
<p>I’m basically agreeing with the OP that parenting doesn’t end or get easier once the kid is 18 and off to college. It did for Mr. and Mrs. Ward Cleaver but those days are over.</p>
<p>The other thing I forgot to mention was that, at least my kids, think what they see on the MTV show Jersey Shore is normal. </p>
<p>Hang out in a house all day flexing your pecs and trying to get laid. </p>
<p>Oh, and putting grease in your hair. </p>
<p>Being falling down drunk and using curse words every 30 seconds might explain why unemployment is so high in this country. </p>
<p>We seem to have an obsession with celebrities.</p>
<p>Too funny . . . and too true, all of the GREAT posts above.</p>
<p>I think we all, as parents, feel responsible; that is the mistake. Let 'em fly because they do have their own wings now. Let them have the option of asking for coordinates, should they feel the need.</p>
<p>I’ll be over here in the corner curled up in a fetal position, if anyone needs any more advice.</p>
<p>Just wanted to add a curious trend I’ve seen around here - D went off to a decent state school, is now a Junior. She’s been doing well and will graduate early. She’s just been catching up with friends over spring break and I swear, from the kids we know, it seems to be the norm that most of the kids who went to Ivies or similar northeast schools (we’re in Cal) have gotten off the track. Some have dropped out, some have transferred and some are just taking time off. And it hasn’t been because better opportunities have presented themselves - there are just a lot of kids who can’t deal with the kids or pressure. I think part of the problem here is that everyone loves our hometown, and the northeast just can’t compete. </p>
<p>D went to a school in state partly because she wasn’t the most motivated high school student. But I feel like it turned out to be a good thing. S is a freshman, and was always a motivated student, but he is not happy at his SLAC - academics are good, but he doesn’t know if he can relate. He may be with the many others of the kids he knows that takes time off. I just feel like its kind of ironic, that a lot of the kids who seemed to have it made when heading off to college are the ones having the hardest times. Maybe it isn’t always wise for kids to go to the best school they get into…</p>
<p>Yes, and eventually, a lot of the kids who seem to have it made when they leave college will have a tough time. Life just ebbs and flows that way. At my ten year high school reunion, everyone was trying to impress everyone with how well they were doing. By our 20 year reunion, we were all just happy to see each other. You know? </p>
<p>The issue is just that we feel responsible for our kids happiness, for some reason. Probably too much Oprah. I’m going to go over in the corner now and hang out with coolrunning where we will pretend to not watch as our children jump out of airplanes. :eek:</p>
<p>On the relatively rare occasions when I am asked for (non-laundry related) advice, what I have the most trouble with is the lack of data points. As, not being there, I only have some of the information it always feel like I am giving advice in a bit of a vacuum. Not like when they lived at home and I had a much better feel for everything going on around him.</p>
<p>I think for me, I was really hopeful that once D got off to college, I could quit worrying…WRONG! It seems that I worry about her more now than I did when we were in the college app. process. She is doing well and her grades are good. I think it’s the fear of the unknown and my wondering what is “really” going on. She and I have always been really close, but I have felt her pulling away just a little since she left. I realize this is normal and I would be more worried if she weren’t trying to exhibit her indepedence…in fact, I would hate it…but I still worry…I guess that will never change because it’s part of who I am.</p>
<p>Y’all might want to take a look at this book: </p>
<p>[Not</a> Quite Adults by Authors Richard Settersten, Ph.D. & Barbara E. Ray](<a href=“http://www.notquiteadults.com/]Not”>http://www.notquiteadults.com/)</p>
<p>The website has a blog, too.</p>
<p>The Amazon website has good reviews – especially the long first review:
[Amazon.com:</a> Not Quite Adults: Why 20-Somethings Are Choosing a Slower Path to Adulthood, and Why It’s Good for Everyone (9780553807400): Richard Settersten, Barbara E. Ray: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Not-Quite-Adults-20-Somethings-Adulthood/dp/0553807404]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Not-Quite-Adults-20-Somethings-Adulthood/dp/0553807404)</p>
<p>It’s not the slower pace to adulthood that gets to me. It’s the bumpy trails and precipitous dips that just put them (and me) over the cliff. </p>
<p>There are some kids who are able to handle things well. If they have problems, they don’t bring their parents into it. I think my generation was like that. I let my parents into very little of my business and took care of my life myself. My kids are not so independent. Partly because I’ve hovered over them more, partly because they are a different type. I think I would have gone to college almost regardless of how I was raised. My kids are going because they were raised that way. That’s a big difference. I wonder often if we are doing them an immense disfavor with the life style we have and the environment here for them which is pure college prep.</p>