<p>^^^so true! I dont have a single friend…including myself…who parents as we were parented…my mom had no idea if I had homework or if I was taking the SAT at the right time. In fact, I dont think she even knew what colleges I was applying to…it was a much different world then…we are much more involved with our kids, especially regarding education, than our parents were.</p>
<p>I just want to say that this is a fabulous thread- so honest, not afraid to be “less than enthusiastic”, to open up about some painful stuff!</p>
<p>I would really love it if there were more threads about the socio-emotional issues that surely come up all too often in college but we rarely hear much about:
depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, heavy and binge drinking and drugs, sexually transmitted diseases, burn-out, dropping out, social isolation, financial irresponsibility, cheating… what other situations have you come across?</p>
<p>It is interesting- most would associate these with high school, but maybe it is the “good” kids who get all the way to college are somehow more prone to these??
Heliocopter parents, entitlement to higher education, affluence, media-based morality, high expectations and heavy pressure- are these things combining to create all this?</p>
<p>I do not want to dwell on the negative, or imply that college is an overall bad or risky experience.
I just want to learn more and provide support as I can.
More openness about these things is bound to help us understand and ultimately support the kids the best we can.</p>
<p>Again, thanks for starting the thread, OP, and to all for sharing. I really appreciate it.</p>
<p>swtcat…very true…you reminded me of my college journey… i knew i would go to college, but it was never discussed that my parents would pay. I knew i had a $50 bond each year as i was growing up that somehow i remember being earmarked for “college”, but i knew the rest was up to me. I didnt discuss where i was applying… i applied , got accepted, then figured out how i would pay for it ,ended up working 3 jobs (2 each evening and a different one on weekends), living off campus as it was cheaper. meanwhile in a program than started at 8 am and last class at 4pm straight through… a 40 hour week of school and over 25 hours per week work…<br>
and now i worry when my S2 talks about taking 19 credits LOL…
and i was part of my sons’ college selection process as it was me that figured out financing. S2 (and S1) always tell me their marks… i dont remember telling my parents any marks after i hit high school.
I remember one time complaining to my father about a college professor that yanked my hair… my dad’s reply… well he must have had a reason!!
when i wanted to learn to drive…i was told, when you can buy a car, you can learn to drive…my kids got cars at 16 (we are rural with no public transit)</p>
<p>what a difference!! but i dont feel hard done by… i earned what i got and nothing wrong with that…but i dont think there is anything wrong with it now either.</p>
<p>When my kids were little, I read an interesting bit of insight. It reminded parents that they would spend more years parenting adult children than child/teen children. That was hard to imagine when in the midst of toys and diapers.</p>
<p>My D is currently 2500 miles from our home, going to the U her brother also attended. She’s getting mostly more independent, tho we DID help her wash her laundry last summer so she wouldn’t store it rank & stinky for the summer. I try to be a “guide from the side” rather than the “sage on the stage,” but admit I do fret. She’s going into a field I know next to nothing about (cinema), but she’s very excited & we hope she’ll be successful in. Even the most optimistic admit it’s a feast or famine field.</p>
<p>Socially, she has perservered over a lot and is grounded with some amazing friends that I heartily approve of–some from her HS & others she has met in college. She touches base slightly less often than we’d like, but it’s her life and we respect that.</p>
<p>In retrospect, we’re glad she was home in CC while she was overcoming more of her chronic health issues and that by the time she left to transfer to her dream college, many of the health issues seemed under better control.</p>
<p>S has always been MUCH quieter about everything. We always sensed he COULD have worked a bit harder than he did, but let him figure out his own balance between academics & socialization. He was satisfied with the balance he reached and kept in touch on his own schedule. Fortunately for us, he kept in touch with D as well, who would sometimes update us if we hadn’t heard from S in a while. He has always been a very private person but has also had to perservere over chronic health issues. </p>
<p>It has been a fun time from August until now, getting reacquainted with this young adult who is living in our house & waiting for his job to start. He’s at times exasperating, endearing, sleepy and industrious, just like most of us. We feel it has been a tremendous gift that his start date has allowed us this time together before he flies off 5000 miles to his new job where we have no friends or relatives.</p>
<p>I know my folks (in their 80s) still agonize about us adult “kids” and now have a growing crop of grandkids to ponder over. 
We are concerned about our kids, but do try to allow them to make their own mistakes, doing a lot of “watchful waiting.” ;)</p>
<p>I am 44, and my mother still worries about me. I don’t think we ever really stop worrying about our children, but at some point, we have to give them the message that we believe they are capable young adults, and can handle themselves and are smart enough to ask for help if they need it. As my D heads off to college, I know that she is confident, has a good head on her shoulders most of the time, but may hit some difficulties…that’s what life is about. She has always been the type to be hesitant to ask for help and thinks she knows it all already. Sometimes, she really does…sometimes, not so much. However, every time she has hit some sort of rough patch, she has definitely come through it all the wiser.
When I was in college, my parents never asked to see my grades. I had been an over-achiever in high school, and to tell the truth, didn’t work as frantically on college assignments, and even skipped a few classes (oh, the shame!). I got B’s mixed in with A’s, and a C in a course that I really didn’t like and wasn’t part of my major, but I was much happier and more relaxed then I had been in high school, and really enjoyed college (I had hated high school). My parents were the shoulders to cry on when I felt insecure or frustrated, and they were the advisors I needed when I encountered problems I wasn’t sure how to deal with. They were my cheerleaders and celebrated with me about all the opportunities I had, and they were at times my personal bankers when my account got dangerously low. But they never pressured me about college, and that was MY experience. It was all up to ME, and I knew it. They did not attend college, so it would have been very easy, especially for my mother, to live vicariously through me, but she didn’t do that. Since they had never had anyone pressuring them for all A’s in college, they didn’t do that to me. I think they were absolutely perfect parents during my college years. I hope to be able to be the same for my D.</p>
<p>YDS: First of all, I have to say that B+ in college is not exactly a bad grade. Nevertheless, it may be possible to gently remind your son that at some point in the not too distant future, he will have to go out into the world and look for jobs (or apply for further education) and someone will ask him for his transcript- and at that point he will feel a lot better if he is proud of it. Hopefully that will send the message that his grades are his own business, but that one day he may regret not working harder. He doesn’t have to improve his grades for you, but for his future self.</p>
<p>I would not focus too much on the actual letter grade- you don’t want to discourage him from taking harder classes or encourage him to load up on guts. Instead, I would focus on how proud he will feel if he has a few A’s in tough classes at his great college.</p>
<p>One specific tip: My daughter has found it really helpful to go to office hours. Not enough kids take advantage of them, and they can really make a difference between muddling along and doing well.</p>
<p>Thank you for the book and article recommendations.</p>
<p>I know that I don’t quit worrying about my kids, but I certainly quit feeling responsible for D1’s happiness after she graduated from college. Maybe it is like qualifying for social security–they keep moving the retirement date away from you…</p>
<p>Can’t thank everyone enough for this thread! </p>
<p>A long-time family friend and I were just touching on many of these issues this afternoon in relation to our respective ‘gap year-ing’ daughters: from the gradiations of dependency (from fierce stabs - and, often, fabulous successes - at independence to the magnificently retrograde ‘What? You want me to make the appointment to see that specialist! What do I say?’ steps, sometimes within nanoseconds of the other) to cranial maturation rates to ‘my own parents would never have …’ to the ‘Is it supposed to be like this? It can’t be. YIKES, it could be!!’ realizations. In any event, it’s excellent to be reminded that others are considering these matters, too - and with, it seems from the posts here, a fair amount of goodwill and humor. </p>
<p>On a day I personally really needed it, thanks again.</p>
<p>The 18-2o something years are trying as a parent.</p>
<p>Our DS, capable and strong academically, is a ‘quiet man’. He shares little until he feels he needs advice or direction on a matter. This is usually fine, except that point is usually WAY far along in the process.</p>
<p>As in an email first semester soph year “I plan to transfer ASAP. But how?”
No previous indication that this was brewing. NOt a phone call that you could go back and forth. An EMAIL! </p>
<p>Son did end up transferring, finished undergrad one semester late; now finishing masters.</p>
<p>Young men can be challenging in their communication modes.</p>
<p>Musicmom, Amen!</p>
<p>I still wish my son was a better communicater with me. When I hear of a problem, its too real. Had he sought advice sooner… Things work out, but why not share more of the daily ups and downs?</p>
<p>My son’s phone call: “Mom, that medication I’ve been taking has made me so sleepy that I’ve missed a bunch of classes the last three weeks. I have a test tomorrow. What do I do?” Ack!</p>
<p>I’ll echo some of the comments POETGRL made in post #36. </p>
<p>She makes a good point about how at her 10-year high school reunion the rich/bright/elite/successful kids she knew were bragging a little about how great everything was going for them. </p>
<p>At her 20-year reunion everyone dropped the pretenses and was just glad to see each other. </p>
<p>I’ve had those same experiences. I think, for me, Facebook is the ultimate see-where-they-are-now and compare yourself to them mechanism. Not everyone is on FB, I know that, but from what I can tell about the ones that are on it going to college that made YOU happy instead of worrying about what would impress other people and/or employers has been the path to the most success. </p>
<p>Having a plan as opposed to being a free spirit is another success indicator. The kids that had a plan seem to be better off than the ones that lived day to day. </p>
<p>Maturity is another critical success factor. Growing up before you are 45seems to have been a challenge for some. </p>
<p>The ability to deal with life’s set backs is critical. Don’t be a victim. If something bad or unexpected happens get over it. Move on. Adapt. Set a new course. Don’t sit there and whine and complain for … a decade. You’ll get in ruts if you do that. </p>
<p>But everyone now, I’m coming up on my 30-year reunion, seems to be relating to each other in terms far broader than how much money do you make or how hot are you now. Hotness fades. Even for the coolest of the cool.</p>
<p>Just food for thought.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is really good to know. Just this year, my daughter’s second year in college, as we near the end, I have begun to realize, for me, that being responsible for her happiness does keep me less involved in my own life than I’d like, especially since there’s not actually anything I can do about it, one way or the other. I would like my girls to be happy and to have meaningful lives, but I’m not sure where I got the impression that had anything to do with me, past a certain point… like 7th grade. ;)</p>
<p>Poetgrl–</p>
<p>It seems that when you read an article in the paper about a criminal or a famous but troubled movie star, you always come across the phrase that they “had an unhappy childhood.” It got to be a joke with my kids and me–I would always ask them, “Are you having a happy childhood? If you’re not, let me know why so I can do something about it…Because I don’t want to be blamed for your unhappy life when you get older.” </p>
<p>If you stretch childhood at its max to cover college years (when one still has “some” input/control in one’s kids lives enough to make them miserable without their having the ability to blow us off), then any time after that is not covered by the parental blame. I’m off happiness duty!</p>
<p>Catching up here. Want to echo what p56 and others wrote about how we grew up. </p>
<p>My parents were probably too hands off, IMO, while I was in HS. But, yeah, they were really out of the mix in terms of college other than putting their foot (feet?) down that I needed to start at a juco for the first two years. Ended up being a great decision. But once I got to my uni, they had nothing to do with it. I found my own apt, registered for classes on my own, paid my own tuition via scholarships. They paid for my low-rent apt with utilities included, and that was it. I had a job and bought my own gas and paid for my own phone and really was quite independent. THAT’S what I wanted for ds and myself – he goes on his merry way, and I don’t have to worry about him anymore. Maybe I was just delusional that I THOUGHT I was so independent then, and I wasn’t?</p>
<p>Really, in the grand scheme of things, ds is great, and I have it easy. It’s just not quite what I thought it would be. A growth opportunity.</p>
<p>Someone ought to write a book about that. “The Happiness Generation.” GenH. </p>
<p>We really have worked hard at this, no?</p>
<p>I don’t think my parents even knew if I was happy or not. I can’t recall it ever coming up as a part of the dinner table talk…not that that was “better” or “worse.” Just different.</p>
<p>I’m looking forward to retiring from the happiness committee, though. I suppose that is natural, too.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No. I think we were more independent then. BUT I don’t think that meant our parents necessarily worried less, just that there was less involvement. Think about it this way, when we were in high school, we used to leave the house on Saturday night and go out and come home at curfew. Not one phone call. Nothing. We were gone and then we came home. There were no cell phones.</p>
<p>Or, if you spent the night at a friends house? You left and then came home the next morning. Can you imagine? </p>
<p>Our parents just had more training in letting us go without contact, and we did too. At college, there was the Sunday call. All week long, nothing, then the Sunday call. If you heard from your parents on a Wednesday? Some emergency was happening. And not a good one.</p>
<p>Twenty-year-old DD had an early spring break the first week of March. After she had been home about 72 hours and a day before she had all four wisdom teeth out, she started with her standard, “I hate being home. I have no friends here. Everyone else had such a good time in high school.” Blah. Blah. Blah.</p>
<p>I (for the 1000th time) told her that about half of all kids hate high school and that her view that everyone else had it great is pure fantasy. I also told her that she is now in a transitional period and that no matter what happened in HS, it is now over, and she is moving toward the next stage of life. Though I am no longer in HS, I am still a cheerleader.</p>
<p>Then she had her teeth out and got some great drugs. Her problems changed.</p>
<p>From different posts on this thread:</p>
<p>He’s made mostly B+s. So, not failing by any means . . and Rereading this is, I know some CC parents will scream “slacker.”</p>
<p>Only on CC would people worry that a kid with a B+ in college might be a “slacker”</p>
<p>Folks, a message: when you have blessings (like a kid in college getting Bs) it’s a sin to not be grateful for them</p>