<p>Yes, a friend also told me years ago when my kids were small “Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.” I am repeating this to my younger friends who have kids in elementary/high schools. It’s so true.</p>
<p>IMO…stay involved with your child as much as they will allow and pull all the strings that you can for them if they are giving 100%. disregard helicopter, etc.</p>
<p>cbreeze-That’s an old Yiddish expressions that when uttered with the right Yiddish accent/inflection sounds like ancient indisputable wisdom passed down for 10,000 years!</p>
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<p>The problem with this kind of advice is how can you possibly know if they are 'giving 100%" and by whose standards? What you would do? And when does it stop? Do you nag them later about how they are performing their job too? </p>
<p>It seems parents want their kids to do as they think THEY would do themselves. At some point, believe it or not, they aren’t you. They actually have to decide what performance they want to give, the pros and cons of their choices, and make their own life decisions (which also sometimes means not doing so well, and learning from one’s mistakes). And how they lead their life day to day would not be how you would lead your life, because you are different people. </p>
<p>Gosh this reminds me so much of my husband’s Indian father. He has spent his life nagging his son, actually fighting with him at times, to eat more fruit. His son is now 50 and very healthy. But it simply never ends.</p>
<p>I remember when my kids were much younger reading in the paper about an engineering student at a top top university being found dead in his apartment of alcohol poisoning. I remember thinking, wow, his parents probably thought they had it made when he got in there. Recently I spent the day with my 78 year old aunt and we were discussing how one of my cousins (and her husband and son) were battling obesity, how the grandson was having some severe learning and behavior problems and how my other cousin (and her kids) was dealing with a divorce. So I guess it really never ends.</p>
<p>{{{yorkyfan}}} Hang in there!</p>
<p>I know I said I won’t come back to this thread, and so obviously I’m going back on my word here. I won’t post my own comments, but I’d like to share the following words that I first read before I was a parent:</p>
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<p>Thanks–have always loved those wise words.</p>
<p>I love this poem, thank you.</p>
<p>Thank you, vicariousparent. You made me cry - but in a good way. This is beautiful.</p>
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<p>Beautifully said. </p>
<p>Yorkyfan, You are not complete and utter failures as parents. Not even close. Our children are making their own choices; good and bad. Big hugs to you and your family.</p>
<p>there’s a music group called ‘sweet honey in the rock’ that put gibran’s poem to song. it’s a great song!!!</p>
<p>A variation on “little kids little problems, big kids big problems” is simply the consequences of mistakes. A 3rd grader rides his bike too fast and falls, he may break his arm. A senior drives too fast and his car leaves the road… </p>
<p>I remember when my daughter was a junior in hs and suddenly realized, “Hey, grades don’t count until you’re in high school! Colleges don’t care what your grades are in 4th grade. Why did I worry about it?” Bigger consequences…</p>
<p>I tend to agree with smile 12157. If you child is giving 100% (and yes, you’ll know) then pull strings as much as you can to help them.</p>
<p>For example, one question I ask myself: Is my contemplated action to help my child either-- </p>
<ol>
<li> Something that the ultra-rich have always done for their children (such as find jobs for their children among their business associates or friends), or </li>
<li> Something that an executive secretary routinely does to help her boss (such as proofread documents or prepare resumes)?<br></li>
</ol>
<p>If the answer is yes, I say, “Do it without guilt.” Many others in this world are benefitting from the above services. Why not my kid?</p>
<p>Yes, if I can help my kid get a volunteer or paid position in a field that is being strongly considered by said child from a friend and I know my kid will work her hardest, I have no problem asking said friend and letting the friend & kid take if from there. They liked her so much, they wanted her to come back so they could hire her again. That helped her get a better idea of the field & helped her snag a campus job in the field.</p>
<p>S mostly worked his own connections to get his jobs with more success than I ever could have, since he’s the math/science/engineering person, not us. We did ask him if he wanted to shadow some engineering friends but he preferred to find his own way.</p>
<p>Yes, I do play an executive assistant and mail things and make sure paperwork gets where it belongs.</p>
<p>Skyhook, we so do not agree. How would you know if they are giving 100%? What does that even <em>mean</em>? There are so many factors that go into determining college grades for example- be it a really tough term, a particularly grueling course, a ridiculous professor, a lame team, you aren’t there to micro-manage and watch what they are doing, so truly how they heck do you know? </p>
<p>And what does it even mean? 100% of what exactly? And by what metric? Who they were in highschool? Last term? What they are capable of under the best conditions (enough sleep, reduced anxiety, right choices in courseload)? What you personally deem your little genius should be capable of (not that you’d be biased or anything)? </p>
<p>And you know, as a high achieving professional with a lot of degrees, I can not say that every week, month, term, year has been my ‘100%’. I’ve had good days, bad weeks, terrible years. Every single successful person I know- be they academics, business people, artists- has great periods, and not so great periods. Life and output isn’t programmable, and almost no one can (nor ever should) just run run run at full capacity all the time. To expect that from anyone is insane. It suggests one hasn’t actually had to try to do that themselves. </p>
<p>And using the measure of what the ‘ultra-rich’ do?? What if the ultra rich hire people to write their kids’ homework and professionals to take their kids’ exams? Kids that cheat are benefiting from doing so, why not your kid? </p>
<p>Executive secretary? I wouldn’t want a kid in my class, let alone one I’ve hired who isn’t capable of creating their own resume, cleaning up their own mess, or making their own phone calls. And why would they be capable if they’ve never had to do it? Not to mention why would someone want to purposefully train their kid to view some tasks as ‘beneath them’ and create such a sense of entitlement? GAG. I guess if you’ve already mapped out that you are planning to live forever as your kid’s servant, and have 100% confidence that your kid will earn enough and be in a position to hire his or her own personal assistant throughout their professional life and at home, it all makes sense. But I sure feel sorry for their future spouse and coworkers.</p>
<p>My experience has been that my kids try 100% in the things that matter to them, and not really in the things that matter to somebody else. Both are pretty darn successful at the things they care about, and honest, and independent. A sense of humor helps, obviously.</p>
<p>I have one who never cared about school one bit until this year. I didn’t really see what I could do about this. I mean, it wasn’t my class or my homework. I drove teachers crazy because I would say, “Just give her the grade she earned.” I don’t know what it was they wanted me to do about the fact that she would only do the assignments that interested her. Lock her in her room? Do it for her? She didn’t care. She was a C student. End of story. I figured she might go to college to play her sport (recruited athlete), or she might go to work, or culinary school, or whatnot. </p>
<p>This year, she suddenly cares about school and does her homework and is getting A’s. It’s got nothing to do with me.</p>
<p>I have one who cared too much and made herself a nervous wreck about things. I actually worried more about her than the other one, frankly. The good news is she’s lightened up since she’s gotten to college. The bad news is she turns out to be an adrenaline junky. :eek: What can you do? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you and your kids. It’s like watching them climb to the top of the monkey bars when they were little. Some of us just needed to look away.</p>
<p>Hello, YDS, haven’t talked in a while! I don’t have time to read the whole thread (older D’s last ever dance competition - sob!) but I wanted to say one thing. If your child has executive function disorder - very common in kids with ADD and Aspergers - problems with things like time management and organization - watch the money issues very carefully. My son has always been a “good” kid - no drug or alcohol issues, etc. But we’ve discovered that he has very very poor impulse control when it comes to money. If he has a credit card, or even a debit card, in his pocket, he will buy things. Not big ticket items, but food, video game, books, etc, that add up.</p>
<p>There was recently a newspaper article about a study that showed that ADD kids were a lot more likely to go into bankruptcy as adults. Duh - could have just asked me.</p>
<p>I really don’t know if we’ll be able to adequately address the problem with Son, but at least we have some time to help control the issue. If you think your child may have the same issues, might want to give him a bit of a longer leash for a month or two and see what he does.</p>
<p>I have just had to accept that my daughter learns best from the School of Hard Knocks. Fortunately there has been nothing huge and serious, just an occasional complete lack of common sense. Don’t leave a new horse untied near the new herd or who knew playing frisbee barefoot on a rocky beach could cause your feet to get cut up?</p>
<p>2 Mules-Seriously, who knew? 
My question is–did we have more common sense at their age? I could swear I did, but maybe my memory isn’t so reliable.</p>