I want to commute because of social anxiety?

College Life
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<p>I have a problem. I am starting college in 2 days. Something is wrong with me. I had a wonderful childhood and was always normal but since a few years ago I've changed. I am going into college without ever having a girlfriend and never partying. I have friends that I can hang out with, but I really am boring person. I don't know how to hold an interesting conversation. I really am scared at the thought of living in a dorm. I had a summer program at my college and honestly I was pathetic. I would wait until the hallways were clear for me to leave my door to get out of the building. I can't exactly describe my situation and I'm sure no one else will completely understand. </p>

<p>Part of me wants to enjoy typical college experiences and stuff, but I know I will just be awkward if I try and I am scared to look foolish. At the summer program I didn't connect with anyone. I made an effort, I really did. I can manage small talk but i can't get past that anymore. The few friends I have I made in high school and we're all going different ways now. I was close to them because they were similar to me. The college I am going to has people from all walks of life. I respect that, but I realize I do not fit in with many of them - mainly the well off white girls/guys. I want to commute because I feel that if I dorm I will be wasting my parents money. I know I am going to hide in the dorm room and feel uncomfortable. I know I will spend time in the dorm that I could just be doing at home and have more privacy and not be paying thousands of dollars. Yet I'm also scared that if I commute, I will dig myself into a deeper hole. I know I am different - I need to get some new hobbies. I wouldn't mind partying if I felt I looked like a typical college kid and I had prior experience from high school. I look young for my age and it doesn't help I'm short and scrawny.</p>

<p>If I commute I think I will try to join some clubs and do on campus events. I will also look for a job to keep my occupied. But, between classes I will probably end up going home and wasting time on the computer which is what I've been doing for a while. I'll try not to go home right away, maybe do some things on campus, but i dont know what will happen. If I commute I could have time to take up a new hobby though - perhaps a language or instrument. But if I do this, then in the back of my mind I will be kicking myself thinking "jeez I should be partying like a normal kid, not playing an instrument by myself". I can't figure out if I really want these things or if it's just the college stereotype that is pressuring me into wanting them. I wish I was normal. If I commute this year, I WILL DEFINITELY try to find off campus living with someone next year. I don't want to become the guy who lives with his parents out of college. I feel like if I give myself this year to commute, I will save some money and then make an effort to get involved and see where that leads me next year. </p>

<p>I love my parents and am very close. Probably too close for a 19 year old. I did things with my mom throughout senior year of high school because I didn't have much to do with friends on the weekends. I know dorming at college may be what I should do, but I also have the negative, yet realistic, attitude that I will not take advantage of the dorms and will feel awkward to meet people and live in such small quarters with no privacy. I am used to having my own room and relaxing. At home I could have more room and space. I'm scared if I commute this year I will isolate myself more. But I also don't want to dorm. This is pathetic. I do want to save my parents money too, that would help. How bad would it be to commute? I don't want to ruin my future by not dorming.</p>

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<p>If you commute, the problem will never get any better. This is the time of your life when you’re supposed to explore yourself and get to know lots of people and work on personal responsibility and socializing and things like that. By not dorming, you’re just postponing the issue. You can’t spend the rest of your life living with your parents. </p>

<p>I can definitely empathize with you. I am NOT a partier, and I’m very introverted. In high school I liked staying home on the weekends and keeping to myself. I’m very attached to my family. I was genuinely terrified that I’d make no friends in college and spend every day by myself on the computer, dreading when my roommate would come back to the room and I’d have to talk to her. The first few days of school, it seemed like my worst fears were coming true and I called my parents sobbing that I wanted to go home. It got better!! By the second week of school, I met other people who didn’t like to party and now I have a solid group of friends who are a bit on the nerdier, quieter side and I love spending time with them. I’m even in a long term relationship, whereas before college I’d never had a real boyfriend. Anything can happen.</p>

<p>I guarantee you that if you commute, you’re going to have a very difficult time making connections with new people and I know it’s hard for you, but you can’t just pretend the problem doesn’t exist forever. This is the perfect opportunity for you to confront it and meet like-minded friends. Also, if you’re considering commuting, I’m assuming that you live close enough where you could come home once a week or so, or whenever you feel the need. That could be a good compromise. </p>

<p>Are you signed up to live on campus? It might be too late to back out now, once your choice has been made.</p>

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<p>When you said a few years ago you turned like this, what happened that made you like this?</p>

<p>I apologize if I say anything inappropriate in this post, and moderators feel free to delete it if you don’t think it’s a good post for this site:</p>

<p>In Jr High there was a total of 12 girls who approached me to ask me out throughout 6-8th grade in school, I remember all of their names too lol, and I was so damn shy. It was embarrassing, I had all kinds of excuses. Girls coming up to me telling me i’m cute and that they want to talk to me, and I would act like a scared little b-tch. I was so shy it’s not even funny. I can’t talk about my HS days since I dropped out after 1 year, I only remember 2 girls who told me they like me there. I was really shy and let a lot of opportunities with a LOT of different girls go. I became more social, I didn’t change dramatically but I definitely changed for the better, after I “did it” with a gf. Sex isn’t the key to changing you entirely, that’s not what i’m saying, all i’m saying is that it can help change you after you get that out of the way. Trust me, it can feel like you just got a big boulder off your chest.</p>

<p>I agree with the girl above, don’t try to hide from your problems. You should confront them and you know there will probably be people like you as well.</p>

<p>However, don’t rush to change either. You might stress yourself out and become worse. Just take it day by day, take baby steps. When you work out, you don’t do chest, arms, legs, back, in one day. You burn yourself out and are abusing your body, you have to spread the workouts out throughout the week. Your situation is no different, don’t try to do EVERYTHING all at once. Try to improve on at least one of your problems, day by day. Hope these advices helped a little.</p>

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<p>I think you should dorm, if it does not work out you can move off campus. There will be people who are like you who are not into partying. You will have more opportunities to do things and meet people. Don’t worry about not connecting with people during the summer program. Good Luck…</p>

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<p>Do you guys feel it’s easier to make friends once classes start or during the welcome week beforehand?</p>

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<p>Hi Calison. I know this might not be what you want to hear, and I’m not saying that you need help necessarily. But I just want to say that perhaps seeing a therapist would help you. I was really reluctant to start going to therapy when I got depression, and I still don’t like going. But thankfully my therapist is a great fit with me, and the therapy is helping me so much with both my depression and social anxieties. So I would recommend it to anyone going through this kind of stuff. While it might not solve everything, it is a good thing to try out.</p>

<p>Good luck, and I wish you the best.</p>

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<p>Based upon my daughter’s experience her friends were made after school started. The school she chose had a social network site. She met a ton of people, who she thought she would become very good friends with. It did not turn out that way.</p>

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<p>I can offer a similar perspective–I have social anxiety issues. Last year, my freshman year, I decided to stretch myself outside of my comfort zone and live on campus. This year, however, I am commuting because I decided that dorming was not a good fit for my personality. I am just one person with social anxiety; dorming might turn out to be very successful for you, but if in your gut, the idea of dorming doesn’t feel right, there is no shame in commuting. Deciding to commute doesn’t mean that you are raising a white flag and telling the world “I’m surrendering to social anxiety!” It just means that you have a high level of self-awareness and know that for at least right now, a college dorm isn’t an atmosphere where you will flourish. Remember, nothing is permanent: if you decide to commute now, and it doesn’t work out, you can always move onto campus second semester or next year. Vice versa. You have four years to build your college experience, and that means it’s okay to experiment with different living arrangements until you determine what is best for you. </p>

<p>Ultimately, I don’t think it was the dorm that was the issue, but my lack of preparation.<br>
I came into freshman year with an open mind–while I was a bit nervous about dorming, I wanted to try out the experience. I think my mistake was that I deluded myself into thinking “this year will be different! Suddenly, I can be outgoing!” Coming out of high school, I didn’t have well-developed social skills and I had low self-confidence. Perhaps if I had worked on these items before committing to dorm (or if I had waited to dorm until these attributes were stronger), dorming may have been more positive. Instead, I began my year not knowing how to approach people, and ended with no friends from my dorm building. </p>

<p>If I could do it all over again, I think I would have commuted my freshman year. I would have benefitted from the chance to ease myself into the college experience. I lost a lot of productivity because of anxiety issues, and I realized that working in a “quiet” study lounge with drunk people gallavanting around wasn’t my style. My anxiety level was high the whole year, and if I lived at home, I could have handled being sociable for a few hours during my classes/clubs, with the time to decompress in a familar environment at the end of the day. Instead, I basically shut down every evening because I was too exhausted and depressed to make plans. I allowed myself to lapse into unhealthy habits, and there was no one, i.e. an encouraging family member of friend, to prod me to snap out of them, which intensified my depressed feelings, to a dangerous level at some points. I would advise you to ask yourself if your social anxiety is mostly surface level jitters, or if there are some serious underlying psychological issues that need to be treated; I think this is the key to whether moving on campus will provide you with a positive chance to challenge yourself, or if it living at home will provide you with the support you need. Nothing is more important than your well-being. </p>

<p>If you decide to tackle dorming this year (and I applaud you if you go for it!), I have a few suggestions to avoid my missteps. It’s crucial to be socially proactive the first few weeks of college (especially the first few days). That doesn’t mean that if you don’t make any friends within this time span you’re doomed to be a loner, but keep in mind, that this is the time when people learn your name and your interests. I barely introduced myself to anyone, so as a result, come November when people wanted to explore the community or arrange study parties, no one knew who I was, so no one invited me. Rather than waiting until three months into the college experience to mingle with people–when everyone has a busy schedule and already has a peer group established–it would have been a lot easier (and more successful) if I had simply knocked on everyone’s door the first day and introduced myself. It may seem daunting, but keep in mind it only gets more nerve-wracking the longer you wait. </p>

<p>I regret that I never followed-up with the people I met, due to the fear of rejection. Keep in mind that if people aren’t making plans, it’s probably because they lack initiative or may be shy themselves, not because they aren’t interested in you. If you find it difficult to talk with people, I’d recommend opening your room for a fun activity that doesn’t require much chit-chat. Get a whiteboard for your door and advertise a board game night or movie marathon. Once people unpack, they get bored, and they’ll appreciate it that someone is trying to organize something fun. Making friends isn’t a one time process, so keep up the event-planning throughout the year, or else people will fall into the rut of their daily schedule–my mistake was that I initiated events occasionally, but didn’t follow-up with further hanging out. I always felt shy about inviting myself to other people’s events, but when I planned a get-together myself, it usually went better because I felt empowered, since I was in control. Also, don’t be afraid to confide in your RA about your social anxiety. I regret that I never told my RA that I had a difficult time making friends. Perhaps if I had emailed my RA about this challenge, she may have invited me to meals or introduced me to people with similar interests. </p>

<p>Good luck with which ever option you pursue. Neither is wrong–even though dorming didn’t work out for me, I don’t consider it a negative experience, because I learned a lot about what I need to be successful. I didn’t make the right choice my freshman year, but I am confident this year will be better because I feel more empowered to make friends and stay involved.</p>

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<p>If that is the case probably you are too shy to express yourself. I used to be in your shoes before when I was in college. I almost avoid going out with few friends and I really avoid to be with people. I’m a loner and boring one but at the back of my mind I want to enjoy my surrounding, meet a lot of people and socialize because it will definitely boost up my confidence. I’m afraid of getting out from my normal comfort zone until one day I’d realize that I should consult an expert to get a counseling and from then on I started to see the positive life where I am in. With the help of my doctor, relatives and few friends I was able to change my wrong ways and now I’m completely confident.</p>

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<p>I would strongly suggest trying to a live in a dorm your first year. In most cases that’s going to be the best bet for getting to know people and feeling at home on and around campus. If it doesn’t work out, that’s ok, but at least you won’t regret not trying it.</p>

<p>Also, since you recognize that there’s a problem and you’d like to change, you should definitely seek out counseling/therapy. Most colleges have free or low cost psychological services available to students. There should be no shame whatsoever in making use of those resources. There are also plenty of resources online for dealing with anxiety and depression (I’ve heard good things about [url=&lt;a href=“moodgym - Interactive skills training for depression and anxiety”&gt;moodgym - Interactive skills training for depression and anxiety]MoodGym[/url</a>] for instance).</p>

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<p>I am a 100% like you. I have a social anxiety (that has really inhibited my life), not a partyer, and never have had a relationship. I took the plunge to live on campus in the dorms this year (which is the 3rd week of my freshman year). I can honestly say that this is the happiest I’ve ever been.</p>

<p>You just have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. I’m not fully cured, but I’m taking it in baby steps. :o)</p>

<p>PS: Sit by someone random at lunch. This is how I’ve met a lot of interesting people.</p>

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<p>I am exactly like you with social anxiety, and decided to dorm my first semester of college. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. The first couple of weeks I made an active effort to be very social and become completely outgoing, until one day when I just suddenly shut down, couldn’t bring myself to be social anymore, couldn’t even look my dorm mates in the eye anymore, couldn’t properly talk to or socialize with people anymore, and gradually spiraled into a deep depression. My social anxiety just became exacerbated because I felt absolutely no sense of privacy in the dorms, had to constantly be around lots of people and the noise they were making, people started spreading rumors and judgments around about me because I was very asocial and barely left my room, and I felt alienated with everyone around me enjoying being social and partying all the time and me being completely friendless, a non-partier, as well as struggling with depression. It was just an intensely high anxiety-inducing atmosphere for me. My grades, as a result, completely plummeted.</p>

<p>In retrospect I’m happy I decided to do it for a semester because I personally would regret not having tried it out at all, but for now I’m very happy and comfortable being a commuter, just having a serene and comfortable place to go home to every evening after dealing with so much stimuli in the daytime. It’s not a way of running away from my issues or surrendering to social anxiety, because I enjoy commuting and I’d rather find other means to deal with my social anxiety and build a social life than pushing myself into a very uncomfortable living situation just to meet people. Dorming is just not for everyone, so don’t feel bad if you don’t feel ready to do it, or if you end up trying it out and don’t enjoy it.</p>