Hey all! So I’m a 24 (almost 25) year old who is a grad student. In my opinion, I do everything right. I still miss my family and visit them often. I would consider myself conservative for sure, and I am a christian, as well as my family. But whenever I go home to visit, my parents are super weird about alcohol. Whenever I go out with my friends, they don’t really “allow it.” And after visiting my parents, my dad confronted me and was like “I went through your room and found 3 empty bottles of alcohol!!!” And got really mad at me. I just feel weird. I don’t know if it’s normal for parents to do that. It’s not like I am an alcoholic or a druggie, obviously. I love visiting my parents but I don’t know why they are making me feel bad about this? I work so hard all the time and just want to please them. I am about to graduate with my masters degree at the University of Southern California and feel like I deserve to have fun once and awhile. But I don’t want to disappoint them. Has anyone gone through the same thing? If so, what did you do?
You certainly are old enough to consume alcohol legally. I would say out of respect for your parents, if you continue to live in their home, you should adhere to no alcohol in their home. Have that drink with friends outside the home. Soon you will graduate and be in your own home where you can set standards that work for you.
Best wishes, this between stage can be hard on everyone.
I guess I should have been more clear on this. I actually DON’T live in their house. I visited my dad for a few weeks over break, but I have my own place near USC. I guess I just feel guilty or something, like they are constantly checking up on me, even though I know I’m old enough to have freedom.
I just always want to impress them, and to be the best I can be. So even when they are not around, I can still hear their opinions in the back of my mind saying “don’t do this, don’t do that…” haha.
I gathered you only visit them and do not live with them full time. Even more important to respect their rules. I am sure they are very proud of you. This is just “their thing”. We probably all have our tender spots.
It’s probably a good sign that you want them to approve or be proud of you, it’s indicative of a good relationship. They want the best for you too.
Thank you! That’s very helpful. Yeah, I only visit them once and awhile. But I just still feel like I was in trouble or something. I felt like a little kid, when I’m 24. I just didn’t know if anyone else has gone through that with their kids, or if anyone has had similar experiences. I just HATE disappointing them.
I’m 29. It takes a while to shake off the feeling that your parents are watching you or that you can “get in trouble” with them. It takes even longer if your parents are unwilling to let go of their control or oversight over you, or have a hard time letting go of the idea that you’re their baby. I assume that accepting that your offspring are grown and can take care of themselves can be somewhat painful and jarring to a parent.
Parents may have perfectly good reasons for seemingly irrational feelings and decisions. My mother-in-law was always really against my husband and I (and later, his sisters) drinking in the house even once we were of legal age. Even small amounts of low % alcoholic drinks were frowned upon. Later it’s because I found out she has a history of alcoholism in her family, and has seen the destructive effects of addiction and drunken behavior. She’s just afraid of that happening to the people she loves. Other times people may not have direct experience but have heard horror stories or (sometimes distorted) facts or information about alcohol use. (Also, if you were alone and not at home for a long period of time, I’d be concerned to find three empty bottles of alcohol in your room too. That’s a lot of alcohol for one person to drink.)
Were I you I’d probably just decide to stop drinking at your parents’ house altogether, and simply not mention (or omit) any outings or events you attended involving alcohol. One of the things you learn as you grow older is that you don’t need to tell your parents everything!
Your parents are your moral compass, that is normal, but you are at an age where it shouldn’t be haunting you. You are a pleaser, which is not a bad thing when it comes to parents, but you can take it too far feeling too much guilt and letting them influence you too much when you are a capable adult. Couple things, dad shouldn’t be going through your room (or any guest) when visiting, perhaps it was accidental like picking things up or getting something, but you should also know better than to leave 3 bottles in your room given their feelings about alcohol. Not sure how that happened. Keep your private life private, and live it the way you want to. You are old enough to do that! You deserve to have fun certainly - congrats on your achievements! Just don’t share all that fun with your parents, apparently they aren’t going to agree with how you spend all your time. Be independent and let the guilt go, respect them and their ideals, but be secure in who you are as well - there has to be a way to balance it all. There are some things some parents don’t want to know or have to know, and that’s perfectly fine and normal. And sometimes better for both sides. My typically conservative son (in regards to drinking/partying etc.) graduated from USC in May and spent several days in Vegas with friends celebrating. “It was fun” was all the detail I wanted to hear. 
Thank you SO much! I think that’s exactly what it is. My family does not drink at all, but one of my brothers got a DUI 5 years ago, and obviously that impacted my family. Now he is a therapist so it (oddly) worked out for him? But even if that didn’t happen, I still think the attitude of “no drinking at all, ever” would remain the same. I respect their rules completely, and I won’t be back for awhile. I guess it just sucks that not only am I 24 and they went through my room, but also that I won’t see them for a few months and I know I made them mad. So I didn’t tell them anything, but they’re smart. They obviously knew I had a party and went through my room. I guess as long as I don’t have parties in their house, they shouldn’t be mad. I just feel bad about it.
And there were a few more than 3 bottles, like maybe 5. But it’s because I’ve had a few parties and forgot to throw them out. Not like I was sitting in my room and drinking all of them
thx
Parents are forgiving. I am thinking you didn’t make them mad as much as you are disappointed in yourself that you did something that makes them see you as other than perfect. Or this “blemish” is masking all the good you are doing and you want them to see that part of you that has achieved so much and tried to make them happy. They just want you to be careful and are probably secretly happy that if you were drinking you did it at home (after what happened to your brother). I think there is some psychology in play here — that you subconsciously got caught on purpose so you could end this perfect daughter act that you feel you have to live up to with them. Maybe you long for a true adult relationship with them, that isn’t about doing things that please them, but where you discuss the realities of life more. Can you talk about your fears with them or is everything always rosy? I think there is a bridge you both have to cross or at least meet in the middle to take your relationship to the next step of maturity. Maybe this will open the door to that in some weird way. Or maybe I am over-analyzing…but you seem like a great young woman - I am sure your parents know that too! Them feeling strongly against drinking is just that. Don’t internalize it too much and think they don’t like you or are against you, it’s just the drinking they don’t like.
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there were a few more than 3 bottles, like maybe 5. But it’s because I’ve had a few parties and forgot to throw them out. Not like I was sitting in my room and drinking all of them
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You had a party in your room at your parents’ house?
Wow, reading OP is very interesting considering most folks I know were well past being this “parent pleasing” once they’re past 18 and certainly by 21…much less at 24-25.
This is IMHO a serious overreaction which gives so little credit to you/your accomplishments as a young adult PROVIDED you* haven’t given them a legitimate reason for worry on this score at a younger age.
Incidentally, this reminded me of a HS classmate whose upper-middle class parents severely overreacted in similar circumstances back when we were in HS.
Only thing they missed was my friend had a large collection of beer bottles bagged up and cleaned not because he drank them as he was such a teetotaler even to this day that the mere thought would have been wildly absurd…but because he was collecting beer/soda bottles/cans to redeem them for the 5 cent deposits in our state as one of several means of independently earning some spending money**.
It escalated for a little while with him doubling down on collecting more bottles/cans visibly in his room to piss off his parents even more before some older neighbors and a few of us HS friends and some of our parents got together to explain the real deal to the parents which made them feel sheepishly embarrassed afterwards.
- Not your brother or any other sibling as you are your own individual person separate from and not responsible for the foibles/mistakes of your siblings.
** There was also an element of irking his parents as well as they felt folks who performed manual/service labor jobs and people performing them…especially ones where dealing with dirty items are involved like sanitation were beneath them and he disagreed and felt the need to push back against that snobbish attitude.
I am the same age as you, but I can’t relate all that much because my parents wouldn’t know how to be controlling if their lives depended on it. However, my in-laws are pretty similar to what you describe. For that reason, we don’t visit very often but when we do, we respect their wishes.
Why are you (or your friends) drinking in your parents’ house? You are an adult an legally able to drink, so why do it there? Go to a friend’s house or a bar or something (but always make sure you have a way to get home safely!!) if you want to drink, or just don’t do it for the few weeks when you visit your parents.
I think it’s bizarre and creepy to go through their adult daughter’s room, but you are under no obligation to stay with them. Maybe it’s time to start renting a hotel or something when/if you visit your hometown.
@aoillie24
The situation you currently describe makes no sense.
You know your families feelings on alcohol.
You brought beer, wine or liquor secretly into your bedroom while you visited your parents.
You consumed these in secret with friends in your room.
You knew they would be very upset yet you forgot to get rid of the empties.
I agree with the others. Day to day live life as you choose keeping in mind your long-term goals. During short visits refrain from bringing alcohol into the house. Every parents has his/her own hang-up and since your visits are relatively short, just respect their rules.
Suck it up while you visit your parents and party your butt off when you return back to USC. Fight On !!
Well and succinctly said @Darkstar904!
There are reasons to move out of parents’ homes. Their house, their rules. Something to think about. As an adult you need to have incorporated your own set of standards/morals/ethics with an internal locus of control. This means it doesn’t matter what you or any church says, it is because it is right for you. It sounds like you are figuring out how you differ from your parents. I dislike the word “respect” because I often disagree when it is due. If that also bothers you follow your rules because it is the right thing to do whether or not you agree with or have “respect” for them.
I agree with- WHAT?? You secretly had a party in your parents’ house etc. Bad for anyone, atheists included. Being Christian makes no difference in having good ethics and morals. You do things not because of fear of an external control like an afterlife place but because it makes sense.
Being twenty something is a difficult stage in life- even if you are self supporting. We parents can’t resist giving our advice. Our kids still won’t listen. Many are financially dependent and can’t afford to lose the support. Still figuring out which rules, lifestyles work for you despite parental views. Learning curve for both parents and children.
Brought back college memories. Once I hid a liquor bottle in my dorm closet for an older, legal age (rules were changing every year in that era but I think there was still a no alcohol in the dorms rule) needed to get it out of her room when her mother, aunt/grandmother types were visiting- they were strict Lutherans and would have been shocked. I wasn’t that close to her and wonder what was served at her wedding reception that spring…