I thought I’d start a thread about something OTHER than M10. Anyone got any good ideas on ways to stay connected with your kids once they’re in BS? We went and took soxboy out to dinner this past weekend for his birthday, and it left me wishing that I felt more connected to his daily life. Last year (9th grade) he called home a lot more, as I think he still needed to feel that parental support. This year, though, he’s happily engaged in classes, friends, girlfriend, sports, etc. So while we still talk about twice a week, I’m left feeling a bit more distant though of course I’m thrilled that he’s happy with his life at school and seemingly managing very well. But being a teenage boy, he’s just not super-communicative unless he needs something.
He doesn’t particularly care for Skype, though I know that’s great for many families. I send him emails every now and again with links to a news article that I think he might enjoy, so he knows we’re thinking of him even when he’s away. I read the school newspaper so I can ask him questions about stuff going on at school.
What else? All the experienced parents on this board must have some great ideas – let’s hear them!
Soxmom, I feel your pain! This is, for me, the hardest part of having my daughter away at school. The reality is that we really are not connected to their day-to-day life. They share what they want to share, and keep a lot of things to themselves. But I think that is how it should be – they are learning to be on their own and they need that separate-ness. I know a couple of parents whose kids are not happy, and are calling them from school quite frequently to express that and to ask for their help and intervention with just about everything. Hard as it is, I think I’d rather have fewer calls and know that she is happy and thriving and busy. I get very, very brief texts most evenings before lights out (like “Am so busy Mom, I’m exhausted, ttyl, love you”) and those tide me over until she has time and inclination to call for a good chat. I miss her like crazy… and I am also really happy at the way she is managing on her own. Hang in there! Spring break is coming!
Texting works well. They have time for that (although I routinely get in trouble for sending “paragraphs” hahah) – it keeps you going until there’s time for a phone call. The reality is that their schedules are jam-packed and there really is not much time for talking. Freshman year, my daughter had exactly 1/2 hour from end of study hall to lights out – and that time period was also slated for required nightly dorm meetings, and preparing for bed. With Saturday classes and games, that effectively only leaves Sunday. The kids really need that day off, so (in our case) that is not the time they want to call home either. As Cameo43 said, they share what they want and you are well out of the loop on the rest. As hard as that part is, it is also a reason we wanted her to go away to school – to foster independence and to begin to learn the process of managing everything on their “own”.
Some of this really depends on your particular kid. There are kids who are very willing to stay in touch and to spend Christmas and Spring Breaks catching you up on all the scoop. My kid is not one of those! LOL Facebook/ Instagram/etc can help, and depending on the school’s approach, the web site can provide glimpses into their lives away. We try to send care packages for Halloween/Valentines/Easter etc… silly stuff mostly (but always including loads of candy LOL).
If you live close enough, it is fun to go to a few games, and a good way to meet other parents (also a challenge) – and it is a way to feel a part of things…
An added issue is that since boarding school is a HUGE percentage of their time, our questions and conversations naturally revolve around “school”. When you do get time at breaks, we find it hard to have conversations because she is exhausted and the last thing she wants discuss is “school” _ even if you leave the academic part out and that doesn’t leave much else to talk about! I can’t advise handling that part as we are still working that one out!
Sorry. I just realized I haven’t offered any real recommendations! But, at least you know you aren’t alone.
Snail mail is still nice. My kids always appreciated getting something in the mail to clean out the cobwebs - a card or some small item - even though we lived in easy driving distance. Don’t expect any mail back but I know it was appreciated and would usually result in a call or email.
If you live close enough, driving up to take child and some friends out for a meal was always fun. I always learned a lot more about what was going on at school when friends were in tow, similar to carpooling in the old days. Dropping off a homecooked meal or homebaked treats is always appreciated. They are always happy to see you with food in hand. Once or twice a year, it was fun having a weekend stay with some of the friends who couldn’t travel home too easily due to distances. Homecooked meals, sleeping in, watching movies, maybe going to a concert. Easter was a common time to do this as it often falls after Spring Break and isn’t convenient for many kids to visit family.
Agree with attending sporting events or arts events when you can - great opportunity to meet and compare notes with other parents.
Sadly, the communication level goes down even more in college…healthy for them but hard for us parents nonetheless.
I do tend to send lots of care packages… food, especially food they can share, is usually much appreciated.
FWIW, I’m a former BS dorm parent – in a boys’ dorm… and if I had a dollar for every parent who called me and said “Umm… does my kid still go to school there? I haven’t heard from him in about six weeks…” Yup. Boys. LOL
Texts and weekly phone call, usually on a Sunday evening. DW periodically sends a batch of brownies, which DS shares with floor. DW is well liked. I remember a parent on move in day sharing his approach (with new parents) to encourage his older son to call home more frequently… He told his son, “call home and then we will talk about depositing money into a school spending account.” Parent said it worked like a charm.
a second on the snail mail, bringing goodies in person on visits if close enough, and an e-card (like Jacquie Lawson web site) for special occasions/happenings
We mostly text and Facetime. My husband sends a random “selfie” every day from the train, the gym, getting his hair cut, whatever. Also, if your child is involved in a performing art or with a sport, attend as many performances or games as you can. Especially with sports, they will sometimes be playing at a school that is closer to you than their own school is so check the schedule. I’ve visited to just to take DD and her friends out for dinner and she has joined me in the hotel for a sleepover afterwards twice so far this year. I know another mom who brings the dog for sleepovers every once in a while - there are certain “residence inn” type hotels that allow pets.
Also, bring lots of food when you visit the dorm/performance/game/whatever. If you are a decent baker, it is very popular and your child is psyched that you are the cool parent.
And for my last embarrassing reveal which is a little off topic… I occasionally track DD’s whereabouts on campus through the “find my phone” app. If you know the campus and put it on satellite imaging and your child has a phone or computer, you can see the building they are in if they have it with them. If you are missing your child, its kind of nice to see that they are in math or spanish or eating lunch, etc. Crazy, I know, but I do it sometimes when I am missing her and it lets me just picture her a little better at that particular moment. She put the app on my phone herself once when she was trying to find her own phone. So, while I know this is nosy, I am looking the other way in terms of guilt.
The one-way care packages or greeting cards are it for me. I WISH for WhatsApp, where you can record a voice or video message for pickup whenever (like text, but voice/video, non-real-time), but all I get is texts. Sometimes I will see something on FaceBook, but apparently that is more for the over-40 crowd.
About twice a month, I will take a flat-rate priority envelope to Trader Joe’s (or make & send something from home) and fill it with random “Penguin Bellies” and odds & ends. This started by chance when a postman tutored me on “Flat Rate envelopes” when I was sending a “Flat rate Medium Box.” He showed me how to square-out the corners, and add creases so that the “Envelope” has depth like a box.
Now I happily fill the envelope a couple of times a month, and include a silly card, and (if I can) some contributions from the siblings. I have always MEANT to send door decorations or desk-buddies a couple of weeks prior to holidays (Halloween, Easter, Valentine’s Day), but don’t always get it done.
Communications are mostly one-way; with catch-up over major breaks. @ChoatieMom has it pretty much pegged on that. Sometimes I will hear a thing or two from the roommate’s parents.
@gratefulmom89 - Glad to hear we are not the only ones who track our child from time to time
(he can track us too). I like it because I usually won’t text if I know he is in class, in the gym, etc. Also helps to visualize where they are.
We live close enough to attend events - sports, band concert last weekend. I think we have sponsored a dorm meeting each month with leftover food from some event at home or another! Last week it was left over pizzas and chips from his brother’s bday party - ran from the bday part to concert, so had to bring pizza or toss it. Brought a cooler bag, ziploc bags and ice pack! Homemade birthday cake for the dorm on his birthday is a must too.
We text more than talk - try to talk over the weekend, but he is usually busy with activities. Quick texts before (our!) bedtime. Yesterday we got a morning text about an upcoming event he is very excited about and just registered for.
Grandparents live within 1-2 hour drive, so they visit and bring back news too.
I am in on the occasional “tracking party” too! LOL @gratefulmom89 - it does help to visualize their day a bit… my kid calls it “stalking”, but whatever! And I also use it to determine if it might be an ok time to call or text…
@itsjustschool If you have an iPhone, you can send video and audio texts. They work well, and don’t have to be listened to straight away – might be worth a try? I have to resort to most things being done over text because my kid doesn’t really check or respond to email (grr). Another way to send funny things, or longer communication is Facebook (using the message function only! Never post to their wall Hahah).
Shhh…but I’ve been known to stalk from time to time. Any of you watch Modern Family on TV? The episode last week cracked me up with the mom tracking her daughter through various forms of social media.
The proximity thing is definitely a factor. Meaning, if the school is close enough to drive to…possibly even for the day/evening. Our younger daughter’s school is about 1 hour closer than her sister’s school, and that 2 hour difference for a round trip has made a big difference in how often we see her. 5 hours in a car is a lot worse than 3 hours in car, especially if you’re driving solo. Of course, not every family will be able to enjoy the luxury of proximity.
One fun thing that we started doing this year is FB message groups. So we have one for the whole family, one for the parents and each child, and then I have one for me and the girls (to communicate stuff like “Call your mom, it’s her birthday!”).
I went to as many sporting events as I could. This Fall the schedule didn’t line up as well with my work commitments so I was limited. I decided to make the extra long trip to an away game as the schedule worked that day. Boys really don’t communicate - I arrived only to learn he was injured and not playing that day. We salvaged the trip by riding back to school together and stopping for dinner on the way. Texts definitely worked but I have to initiate them. The running joke I have with my son is if he doesn’t call once in a while I can always lock his ATM card and campus account and he counters that he never takes out any money so little money that could take a semester to work.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about BS, but I see myself staying in touch with my mom. A quick phone call at lunch or getting ready for dinner? Am I naive?
You probably will- you are older and more set in your ways, and perhaps have better time-management skills. There is a wide variation. My DD tries, but it is another world, and only those in that world truly understand, you see? Getting an other-worlder up to speed takes too much effort. Calls become trite, are recognized as such, and dwindle. Real communication happens when there is enough time- during breaks.
Not to be nosy, but, just your mom? Not both parents? Not siblings? (Or maybe communication gets handled through your mom in your family- that is often the case).
@stargirl3 I suspect you will find the time to make those quick calls. My kid is just not organized enough and is always running from pillar to post! You see a bit more on top of the time management!
Once or twice a year, it was fun having a weekend stay with some of the friends who couldn’t travel home too easily due to distances. Homecooked meals, sleeping in, watching movies, maybe going to a concert. Easter was a common time to do this as it often falls after Spring Break and isn’t convenient for many kids to visit family.