I'm a friendless soph. Should I transfer if I don't have any friends at my current school?

Student Lounge College Life
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I have acquaintances but I don’t have any friends. Like there’s people I talk to in class and I got some people’s numbers last year but I don’t ever hang out with anybody. I got invited to some stuff last year but I couldn’t go because I had something else to do that night or early in the morning the next day.

I had a friend who I was supposed to room with this year but his parents made him transfer so now I’m really all alone. This really screwed me over because he had a good group of friends so naturally I could have made friends with them too. There’s a 50/50 chance he comes back next semester.

It also doesn’t help that I go to a small school without any Greek life. I feel as if everyone has already made a group of friends and aren’t interested in meeting new people.

The thing is, I’m not weird, smelly, obnoxious or anything like that. I’m pretty shy and I think that hurt me last year but I feel like EVERYONE was able to make friends except for the legitimately weird kids (I know I sound like a jerk, I don’t know how else to put it). I had a good group of friends in HS but I haven’t really made any in college.

However, a good friend of mine goes to a large state school a few hours away from home. I’m thinking about going there because it is cheaper (I’m currently at a private school), they actually have greek life, more clubs, more intramural sports, and a better support system for my major/career choice. What do you folk recommend?

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Don’t assume that people with friend groups aren’t interested in making new friends. It can seem like that, but that is not always the case. It’s a hard thing to do, but you have to try and put yourself out there. Like casually ask someone if they want to get coffee after class, or ask them if they plan to go to a school sporting event. Strike up conversations about homework, maybe you can create a study group. If you are already making chit chat with people in class, that is a good start. Build on that. People may seem like they have walls up, but that can be because everyone has their own insecurities. Hang in there.

3

My school is really cliquey, hence why I don’t think people want new friends. Also some of those acquaintances had other opportunities to invite me to parties and whatnot yet they never did. I also think I’m too far in to ask people to do XYZ after class, and it seems awkward to do that.

4

If you like everything else about your school (education, environment, location etc.) don’t transfer just in hopes of having more friends. The previous poster is right…hang in there and keep trying. You also have to remember that it often looks like everyone else has friends when they just have acquaintances too.

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I think the education is pretty much the same at all schools. The environment and location are ok. I’m just really lonely all the time.

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@collegeguy117 I always identify myself as a parent when I post on this section just so you will know where I’m coming from.

I do not believe transferring to a bigger school is a solution. It is much easier to meet people in a smaller school. You’ve made it clear that you are shy, but you have to make a little more effort. Don’t be pushy, just try to get out of your shell.

You mention that you were invited to a number of events but declined because you had to be up early the next morning. Maybe you just need to suck it up and go. Don’t turn down future invitations unless you absolutely have to, even if it means you won’t get a full eights-hours sleep.

It’s only three or four weeks into the semester. Most universities, including small schools, have tons of cultural events, from concerts to plays to political meetings to whatever. Have you made it a point to attend each and every one of these? I’d bet not. Why not just resolve to take advantage of all the things that are being provided for you. If you do, you will meet people. Join organizations if they interest you.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s awkward to “casually” ask someone if they want to get coffee after class (as someone suggested) unless you have started to engage in a spontaneous conversation with them that develops. On the other hand, if you take part in some type of activity involving other people, this is quite normal. Just something to think about and good luck.

ADDENDUM: I was in a fraternity, which is a group of easy, ready-made friends. But I was in college during Reagan’s first run and attended meetings to support him. I actually made a few friends from those meetings and shared a large house for a year with a guy I met at a Reagan or YAF meeting. Many of these guys are Facebook friends today, which means they aren’t tight friends, but we’re trying to follow each other. Maybe you hate politics, but just throwing this out, given that it’s an election year.

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OP, there is a ton of great advice in this college life part of the CC message board regarding tips for making friends. It seems like you posted a question, yet you have already made your mind up and don’t really want to hear recommendations encouraging you to stay put.

Sometimes it helps to remind yourself why you wanted to go to your current school in the first place and delve into whatever that was. (It is interesting to read posts by seniors who want to get in to certain schools, the friend issue is rarely a concern).

There is no guarantee that you will have more success making friends at a different school. But, it is your life and your choice.

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OP, I get what you say about cliques, but it’s not really easier to find friends at large universities either. Both types of schools have their challenges.

The advice I would like to share and echo are:

(1) Do not turn down invites unless you absolutely have to. When you turn an invite down, you’re sending a message that you’re not interested and, especially at a small school, that message can spread. And think about their perspective – if you invited someone a couple times and they turned you down, you might take it personally and you’d probably not be inclined to invite them again. So, if and when you get invites, even if they’re not the most appealing, accept them if you can, and give it a try.

(2) Join clubs and organizations that truly interest you. You’ll find like-minded students and naturally form relationships.

(3) Try an intramural sport. If you’re a natural athlete, great. Even if you’re not, there are usually lots of low pressure, fun options.

(4) For each challenging class that you take, see if you can create a study group or find one study partner. Although people may have established friend groups, not everyone is going to have a friend in every class. Reach out to the person you sit near in class and see if he / she wants to study together for the next exam or discuss the assigned reading in advance of class, etc. (This is where a coffee invite might work … "Hey, these readings are challenging. Any chance you feel like meeting before our next class – maybe for coffee – so we can discuss these readings together before class?) Choose a student who is sitting closer to the front and paying attention as opposed to those joking around in back. If the person says no, choose to sit near someone else next class and try again. Just be sincere and plan to actually work on the readings or prepare a study outline or whatever. Another way to find a study partner or form a study group is to show up when the professor has an extra study / review / Q&A session and see who else shows up. These are the kids who care about the class. Reach out to one of them or suggest to all of them that you all meet once a week or so for a study group. You can take turns leading each study group.

(5) Your dorm probably hosts social events. Go to them. Leave your door open when you’re in your room and be sure to say hi to people on your floor – by name. Using peoples’ names is extremely powerful. For some people, it comes naturally. Others have to work at it. Either way, make it a point to learn the names of everyone on your floor, and then use them. “Hey Bill, how’s it going?” is so much more meaningful than “Hi.” When someone uses your name, it just makes you feel good, if only on a subconsious level. In most cases, it makes you notice and like the person greeting you. Same advice goes for people you meet in clubs, classes, etc.

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Agree that getting students together to work on an assignment or prepare for a quiz or midterm would be something that some of the other students would welcome as well. And consider joining a service group that gets together to perform community service.

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@EarlVanDorn There are events but I don’t want to go since I think people will be there with their friends and I’d rather not look like a loner.

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@SoccerMomGenie None of the clubs are that interesting, and the few times I went last year it wasn’t enjoyable (both boring and awkward). I’d love to play an intramural sport but you need a team to sign up.

I was supposed to be in the social dorm but when my friend’s parents made him transfer I decided to switch to another dorm since I thought that I might end up with a terrible roommate so now I have a single in arguably the worst dorm on campus. In hindsight I should have stayed put in the social dorm. And like I said in an earlier reply to another use, I don’t want to go to the events since people will probably be there with their friends and I don’t want to look like a loner. Also the events aren’t that fun.

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Do you really want advice or do you just want someone to say transfer and your problems will be solved? Try to read this thread as if it were written about/by someone else. Can you see how negative it is? If you want the circumstances to change, you have to change your actions.

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I found myself in a similar situation to you (though for somewhat different reasons). However, I found that as an upperclassman, there were different types of social situations that presented themselves. I was in more classes with students in my major, I was more equipped to engage with the student professional organizations, and I was invited to join some honorary societies, where it wasn’t that hard to become a student leader. As a result, I was able to use my upper class years as a new start on the college social scene.

My experience was at an engineering school, so maybe quite different from your LAC – but in hindsight it might just have been a change in my mindset that made the difference for me. Good luck!

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@lotsofquests I would change my actions but I don’t think it would work.

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It sounds like you’re determined to be the proud and friendless sophomore. If you don’t want to take advice, what are you here for?

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Look @collegeguy117 you’re starting to sound like Eeyore. :slight_smile:

But in any case, i will take the other side of this. If you can transfer, well, why not? People transfer for lots of reasons…running out of money, their parents divorce, illness strikes, whatever…so if you believe you’d be happier, well, who’s to say you won’t be? And you’re feeling friendless now, so it won’t be any worse there :slight_smile:

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@collegeguy117 I went to a lot of “cultural” events by myself, and a lot of people who attend these attend alone, although they may see people they know there. I wish I had attended more of these events, because I enjoyed them, things such as a William Styron reading from his new book, Sophie’s Choice, or William Raspberry, or Clarence Pendleton, or a William Rusher-Michael Kinsley debate, ect, ect, ect. This is how you meet people.

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@EarlVanDorn Even though I’m not interested in most of the events that are thrown, maybe I’ll give it a shot.

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@collegeguy117 Hi, I was just passing by and read your thread. I couldn’t move on from it since I had a similar issue as you do. I felt lonely in college because I just felt like I was left out of my friend group. Even though our situations are at a slight different situation, I want to help you.

Many people on this thread really push you to go to parties and be outside of your shell. I know how hard it is, especially if you are a shy person. The thing is don’t try to do things that you don’t like if you don’t want to. Everyone says go to those parties that you turned down so that you can meet new people. Yes, this is true. However, if you are an awkward person, you might just want to leave, not making any new friend. This will only make you feel miserable and more lonely among people in the parties.

You mentioned that you do talk to some people in your classes. I think it is better for you to aim at them first. It doesn’t have to be hard. Just a simple sentence can bring you and them good friends. That’s usually how things happen. People tend to think that you need a lot of effort to make friends, but it really isn’t. Ask them about the assignments even though you already know what you need to do. Or ask them about their days. These sound boring, but it can really bring you to start a conversation.

Try to ask questions that allow people to express their thoughts. This can make them to think that you really do have interest in them. I remember that I made a friend once by asking her “are you bored?” during an orientation. She talked for 10 minutes to tell me how boring she was. People like to express. Thus, let them express their feelings and thoughts. This can actually tie people and you if both feel the same way.

I understand how you feel. I’m just a Freshman and still felt lonely amongst friends. It is worse when you are alone everyday. What you need to do is try to communicate. Nothing more and nothing less. You don’t really need to join a club or go to parties because you will still be alone there if you don’t know anyone. It can be worse: you leave the club or the parties because you just can’t handle people any more. Don’t do that. Try to make friends around you first and then maybe join a club or go to partirs.

Nevertheless, transfer if you still can’t make friends from where you are at. You should feel happy. Don’t torture yourself if you’re not happy. Education exists when you are there to accept it. Social life is important as much as education. If being around your friend at another college will make you feel less lonely and happy, go ahead and do so. College isn’t just about sitting down in the classroom and learn. It is also about interacting with others.

I hope this helps you. Please feel better and be brave. You’re the only one who can help yourself. I wish I get to hear that you made new friends when I visit this thread next time.

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@Qykpoui I’d love to go to parties but I don’t have those connections. Last year it wasn’t just parties, one time a guy on my floor asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and some other guys and I had to decline (I wish I didn’t have to).