I'm choosing between both my parent's alma maters and I'm scared of disappointing my dad

Parents Forum
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Okay, so I got into my “dream school”, which is my mom’s alma mater, and another school that I love almost as much which is my dad’s alma mater. Both were my top choice colleges, and my mom told me this Saturday is my decision day so I can be 100% done with the commitment process to the school I choose by May 1. For this post, I’m gonna say School A for my mom’s school and B for my dad’s.

School A has the exact major I want to study - music recording technology. That program builds strong performers who also have an amazing understanding of music technology and production. It’s perfect for me. While school B has a good music program, it’s more of a STEM school. Plus I’d only get to do performance there which is good, but school A is the better option academically and socially, for me anyway.

For some context, A accepted me back in November and B just accepted me 2 weeks ago today. I was waitlisted by them, but was so excited when I got accepted I told everybody “that’s where I’m going”. I feel really bad now because 1) I’ll have to deal with everyone asking me “why did you switch?” and 2) my dad has been SOOOOOOO HAPPY for these past 2 weeks! I know he loves me, but we’re the opposite parent/kid thing. I get along with my mom much easier. He’s the more annoying parent for me so we rarely see eye to eye lol. So for me to say his school is where I’m going put him over the moon.

But I feel really bad. I know it’s my life and my decision, but I just don’t want my dad to be upset when I commit to school A. Of course he’s proud of me for going to college. I just know I was really excited about his alma mater and I don’t want to deal with him being upset with me, and then questioning me all the time.

FYI my mom has been the one helping me with the college admissions process. My dad hasn’t been involved in it, which is fine with me. But I share most of my thoughts about college with her. So she knows I’m going back and forth between the two schools, but my dad doesn’t - well, I’ve told him, but he still thinks I’m 100% going to his school - so if I commit to her college, which I think I’m going to do, and not his, he’ll probably be taken aback (along with most other people I’ll have to tell). Someone, please help :sob:

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Short and simple. It’s your life and you should be happy with your choice. You’re going to spend the next four years there and while your dad could be disappointed, if he truly loves you and respects you, he will respect your choice as well. Just talk it out with him why School A is better for you and make him understand. If he doesn’t, he will come around. He will be proud of you either way, because you are going to do great things

You will have regrets down the line if you choose a college you are not satisfied with when a college which is essentially perfect for you exists.

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If you cave and do the thing you don’t want to do just to make Dad happy, what happens when the next decision comes up? Will you please him again? And again? If you go along with this, he will be running your life, which never turns out well. I suggest you speak directly to him about this - he may be shocked and appalled that his enthusiasm is being taken as pressure!

Disappointing other people gently but firmly is an excellent life skill, best learned as soon as possible. And I am a Dad; none of my kids will even apply to my (and their Mom’s) alma mater because, well, they don’t really like it:) Good for them.

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What a hard situation, @warriorman ! I think your decision is straight forward—you need to choose school A. But the context is the problem

As a parent, I would suggest that if you could help your dad feel more bonded with you, and more assured that you value the relationship, that would go a long way towards him feeling good about your college decision. If I were your dad, I would be thinking of you leaving the house, growing up, etc., and worrying about whether you would gravitate more towards your mom, and I would get left out or left behind.

Maybe you could arrange to spend some time just you and your dad, and talk about you leaving for college, and how you plan to stay in touch. You could also let him know how good it felt for you to get into his school, and how much you wanted to have that bond with him. You wish that his school had the specific things that would be right for your career plans.

I would make sure to address this with your dad well before you commit to school A or tell others your decision. If he is feeling how much you care about the relationship, I think the talk will go well.

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Weren’t there other issues for you regarding your choice of schools and majors, and your parents’ concern that you should get a degree that would enable you to earn a living? I remember that you were passionately interested in religious vocal performance, your parents were afraid you wouldn’t be able to earn a living with this, and that you were considering adding on communications. Did you ever mention music recording technology?

I do think that music recording technology is a good major to combine with religious performance music, because it’s something practical, yet in the same field. I have no idea, however, how good the prospects of employment are in music recording. Do you really have a strong interest in this? You never mentioned it a couple of months ago, when you were trying to come up with a second major that would give you more marketable skills.

Have you ever been to a recording studio? Have you spoken with people who are recently out of college, working in music recording? Has anything happened to re-direct your interest towards this?

I have a feeling that what’s going on here is far more complicated than “his” college vs “her” college. But if that’s really the only issue, you don’t choose a college so that one parent can be happy seeing you in their alma mater’s colors.

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Your father should understand that you chose the college that has the major you want.

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Go to the school you want to go to. If he asks have a pro /con list but he won’t. Congrats to you.

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Thank you for your post. I truly do appreciate it because it has made me think. To answer your questions…

Weren’t there other issues for you regarding your choice of schools and majors, and your parents’ concern that you should get a degree that would enable you to earn a living? I remember that you were passionately interested in religious vocal performance, your parents were afraid you wouldn’t be able to earn a living with this, and that you were considering adding on communications. Did you ever mention music recording technology?

Yes, there were other issues. My mom pushed me to switch to music recording technology because she thought it would be a good compromise. She and dad would feel better with me doing ANYTHING outside of music performance, and with school A’s program, I’d still master my main instrument (voice) have a minor instrument (piano) like I want. When I looked more into the curriculum myself I liked the different classes they have from the music side (theory, aural skills, recitals, etc), to the technological aspect with learning about music production software, filmmaking, studio equipment, live music technology, etc. My heart is truly with music performance, but the more I thought about it I do think I would really enjoy studying music recording technology. Plus, at A they have the option of double majoring in two music majors, so I can do both performance and recording technology, which I’ve been considering quite a bit. I haven’t mentioned music recording technology on this forum, but I expressed my opinions to my dad and he was actually okay with it. He really liked it, which surprised me honestly. I hadn’t really told my mom. Idk why. I just never thought to until recently (when she asked which school I’d commit to and why).

Do you really have a strong interest in this? You never mentioned it a couple of months ago, when you were trying to come up with a second major that would give you more marketable skills.

Yes, I do. I do still want to become a performer, but having experience and knowledge of the technological side could help make me more marketable and expose me to parts of music (and entertainment overall) that I never considered before. Performance is what I’m really striving for, but learning the other stuff would really help, especially if I can’t make a career out of performing. I’d at least still have a career in music.

I have a feeling that what’s going on here is far more complicated than “his” college vs “her” college.

Yes, it is. Part of it is the fact that music is really what I want to do and when I’m 30, I will be the one who has to deal with not following my passion and wishing I did. If I fail to make a career out of being a professional musician, that’s fine. But I’ll at least be able to say “I tried”. My parents don’t even want me to even try and that’s what’s driving me crazy. All my other relatives are telling me to go to the school I want and major in what I want because I’ll be the one who has to deal with being 40, looking back on my life and saying “I wish I…” and “If only I…” and all I’ll truly have to blame is myself unless my parents somehow physically force me not to. Even when I was in 9th grade my dad always hated how I wanted to perform music. I love gospel music, but I also want to perform and record jazz, soul, RnB, and classical. I truly love music. Even the “boring” and tedious parts like vocabulary and music theory is interesting to me. Of course, everything music isn’t exactly fun, but I am 100% sure music is my passion and it would be nice if my parents (especially dad) didn’t constantly scold me or get upset whenever I bring up the topic. And of course, I value and respect their concerns. I understand the humungous risk it is. But you never know until you try! The least they could do is let me state my case. They don’t. My mom will listen sometimes, but my dad talks on top of me and then tries to use scriptures like “Honor your mother and father” to make me feel guilty. I understand their concerns, but my issue is they congratulate other kids for majoring in music or filmmaking or studio art but when I do it they tell me things like “that would be making the worst decision of your life” and “a music degree is useless”.

I really didn’t mean to be so long-winded but it’s so hard knowing the Krispy Kreme donut is right there but my parents keep getting in the way when I would otherwise just grab it and eat it. Funny analogy, I know lol. I just needed to lighten my mood a little bit.

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This dad says dad will get over it.

(Though this dad also wouldn’t be disappointed at a child growing up and making the decision that is best for them.)

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My daughter last year had to choose between my alma mater and her dad’s. While he makes a fuss sometimes that she didn’t pick his, it’s all in jest because he’s happy that she is at a school that makes her happy. If the choice makes you happy, it will make dad happy.

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Two things here
1° your dad may be disappointed. He’ll be disappointed for a few days. We’re talking about FOUR YEARS of your life. Your dad will NOT be disappointed for 4 years, I promise. Especially since you’ll make him proud at college A.
2° I understand your new major is a compromise between your passion and a somewhat employable path. They’re not incompatible. If you get to work in a studio, you’ll be around music all the time, and you’re better off making money there than in a minimum wage job – your job will support your passion, so the more money that job makes the more time you’ll have for your passion. :slight_smile: Have you reached out to houses of worship for your community of faith? Have you asked your religious leader (pastor, etc) for recommendations about the churches with the best music? What about places outside your own faith (ie., Catholic, Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian, etc, etc) that could need help with their music program?

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@warriorman : were you able to talk to your dad?

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Yes, and he’s not mad at all. He helped me understand that just because he or my mom wants me to do something doesn’t mean I should feel bad for not wanting to, especially when it comes to huge decisions like college, major, career path, etc. Of course, I’m listening to them and taking their advice, but he told me it’s my life and my successes are my successes, and my mistakes are my mistakes. Obviously, he still thinks parents know best but he said sometimes you have to let your child choose because sometimes they’re right, then other times the child is wrong. No one forced him what to major in or what college to go to, same with me.

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Great news! I think you did an excellent job of addressing your parents career concerns while staying true to your interests. All best wishes moving forward.

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I’m so glad :slight_smile: Congratulations on negotiating this like a pro.

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