<p>Next year, I will be a freshman at a top school. Going to this school has always been my dream, but it along with other factors are proving to cause a lot of problems in my family and depression for me.
Both of my parents attended college (they are divorced). My father attended the same college I will be going to. My mom attended a smaller, less rigorous school. I am the middle child of three siblings.<br>
Both of my parents are teachers, and my father is definitely the more academic of the two. He was always the one that encouraged me to do my best academically, although my mom was always supportive as well. My older brother was never an exceptional student, and has struggled over the past two years since graduation to find his niche. My younger sister also struggles academically and gets in trouble a lot.<br>
There has always been tension in my house; as I'm a rather straight-forward, blunt, and realistic person, I come off as unemotional and harsh sometimes to my family members. I live with my mother and siblings, and they all wear their heart on their sleeves. The past two years, my brother has transitioned through several phases in trying to figure out where he wants to go with his life. After being rejected to his first choice college, he started community college only to stop after one semester and join the Army Reserves. After six months of that, he returned to community college determined to go to a university after completing his associates. A couple of months ago, he was accepted to a good college and was so excited about going. After years of being treated like an elitist because of my educational and career goals, I felt as if my brother and I finally had something in common in our pursuit of higher education... however, he just told me today that he has decided not to attend college and get a job. He said that not everyone can be like me and go to <em>insert name of college</em>. He said that he can have tons of money without going to college, and that I think that people who don't get a four year degree are worthless. I know that my dad is upset about this situation, and so am I, as we both value education a lot.
This is not out of nowhere, as I have been suffering this kind of "you think you're soo much better than everyone else" since getting into my choice school by almost every member of my family except my dad. Every time I tell someone what I think about something, it's met with something like "you're just so much smarter than us, aren't you?" or "stop talking to me like I'm an idiot."<br>
Even my boyfriend, who is a year older than me and attends a community college, has started treating me differently, saying stuff like "you won't need me anymore when you meet all of the smart boys at ___"
I don't act any different than I did before and hardly talk about college because I want to avoid this kind of conflict with them... but I can't help but want them to be proud of me, for them to share in my happiness. I don't know why they are so upset and sensitive about it. I don't want to be the odd-out person in my family. I don't want it to be awkward for the rest of my life because of the education I have, and I desperately want to encourage my brother to still go to college without making him even more bitter at me.<br>
Has anyone else experienced something like this? How can I work to make it better? There's no way I will be happy in college knowing that my family may not be in support of me. Also, how can I encourage my brother to still attend college without offending him? </p>
<p>which school?</p>
<p>I can relate soooo much to this struggle. For me, I find that the “You think you’re so much better” comments emerge more not because they actually resent that I go to a good school. Like with bullying or abuse, they just come out due to a combination of insecurity and annoyance at being disagreed with. So it has helped for me to reassure them with love, talk about <em>their</em> lives and interests, etc. </p>
<p>That being said, your brother’s education and life are his own. Don’t impose your own ideas about education onto him, because there really isn’t away to do so without making him more bitter. A. You really, really can be successful without going to college, and B. you aren’t his father, but to him, you may be acting like you are.</p>
<p>It will take some time and some restraint on your part to make this situation better. But ultimately, not everything we do will make other people happy. College is about learning how to live and make choices independently. Maybe your family will become proud of you, and you’ll make many friends at college who will be very proud of you and are interested in what you’re doing. But sometimes the only person happy with you is you, and that’s okay too.</p>
<p>Your brother and bf know you are insecure and you crave their approval.
Your brother is jealous that you are going to dad’s alma mater.
His way to feel better about himself is to make you feel bad about yourself.
If he doesn’t, then you have to stop listening to his insults.
Your relationship with him will be strained because he is disappointed with himself and is lashing out at you.
He is incapable of being happy for you so stop expecting him to.
Your academic achievements are NOT a slap in your brother’s face.</p>
<p>Drop the bf and find one that is supportive and respects your academic goals.
His comments testing your loyalty to him will erode any loving feelings you have for him.
His jealousy about hypothetical guys and your constant reassuring will eventually kill the relationship.</p>
<p>Practice self acceptance and belief in your abilities.
Stop depending on others to give you permission to go get a good education.
Be proud of your accomplishments.
You will build a “family” of friends that you can relate to your life at college and give you the emotional support you can’t get from your family.</p>
<p>I offer this advice because it took me years to figure it out myself: You can’t control other people’s feelings, actions and happiness; you can only control your own. I experienced the same thing when I went off to college nearly (gasp!) 30 years ago now. I was a first-generation college student, and the oldest in my family. You would think my family would be supportive, right? No. To this day, I still am accused by my mother and several siblings as “feeling that you are better than everyone because you went to college (and then graduate school).” I’ve NEVER once said anything dismissive to any of them about their choice to not pursue higher education–because that’s what it was, THEIR choice. It wasn’t mine. In fact, I’ve often complimented one of my brothers to others because I honestly think he is one of the smartest people I know, even though he flunked out of college after one year. College isn’t for everyone, which is fine. But it is for you, and that’s fine too. Your family is perhaps projecting their own feelings of inadequacy and frustration and jealousy onto you. You can’t stop them from feeling those feelings, and you can’t stop them from aiming them at you. You can only go to college and live your own life. </p>
<p>That’s how people are. You’d like your family and friends to share in your happiness when something good happens (landing a great job, or a promotion, getting into a top college, etc) but that’s not how most people are. A concept called cognitive dissonance helps explain a lot of it.</p>
<p>As for the BF, drop him. Low self esteem, better to find out now than later that he is insecure and jealous. </p>
<p>Don’t worry. That type of sentiment will die out after a few weeks. Just make sure you don’t practice what you preach - it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to talk about your academic affairs/studies etc. with your family members too often other than your dad. I bet they are all happy you are in your place, just a bit ripe with jealousy. you deserve going to whatever school it is.</p>
<p>Dump the boyfriend right now. If he is like this now, he will only get worse.</p>
<p>As for your family, well, you can’t choose your family. Just do what you think is right for you and ignore them when they bust on you. Basically they are acknowledging that you are smarter. </p>
<p>Speaking as a parent, I’m getting a lot of undertone in your post. One is that you feel you’re smarter and making better choices than your siblings and that apparently you have no problem telling them so. That might be the reason they do not seem very excited for you in your new adventures. Their lives are their own-not everyone has a life goal from an early age-Grandma Moses didn’t become a famous painter until very late in life! I have three children and each has followed a very different path-my son’s was almost identical to the brother you worry about so much. He is 29 now and very successful-without more than a community college certificate. In some jobs, that’s all one needs.</p>
<p>There’s also an undercurrent of thinking that your parents, especially your mom, made choices that you imply they did not reach far enough in life what with being just teachers and one not going to a “selective school”. The best teacher any of my kids ever had did not go to a selective school but was so good at understanding kids that she got amazing results in her classrooms. In the real world, there are many, many places where college selectivity is less important than you think it is.</p>
<p>Perhaps if you toned down telling people like it is with your self-admitted “blunt” manner, but with a bit more empathy and attempts at understanding where they are coming from, you’ll find the support you’re looking for. There is more to life than being smart and right all the time. Your family is likely very proud of you, but if you go about being a little too proud of YOURSELF, your family is probably right in stepping back.Good luck to you at your dream college.</p>
<p>Interesting.<br>
I agree with both the idea that you may be coming off a little full of yourself (because it is unlikely the reaction would be so universal if you weren’t) AND that they are insecure and being negative/defensive for those reasons. </p>
<p>I also agree that while higher education usually correlates to higher income etc that some fields don’t need it (my brother only has a hs diploma and does fine working for himselfn in a tech field). Two of my very favorite people who I enjoy talking with everything from politics to books are only high school educated. </p>
<p>So…in a nutshell…be rightfully proud of yourself but don’t be a know it all. Because, you don’t. </p>
<p>I happen to identify with this a lot. Over time, it will get better with your family & maybe it’s worth it to dump the boyfriend now. I don’t see anywhere where OP said it wasn’t acceptable to not go to college… I got the gist that OP’s brother has flipped around a lot in his ambitions and that they think he might not be making the best decision because of his inconsistencies in the past. Maybe talk to him about how you feel without being condescending? Good luck. </p>
<p>I agree with Amiable. Lots of people hurting right now and it seems to them that you don’t need the thumbs up. I Try not to be dependent on what others think and need so much reward from others. You’ve done well for yourself and that should be enough. </p>
<p>I do think that your family may be insecure, and that stinks. I can do pop psychoanalysis about it due to them not being together in a warm two-parent family, but whatever, it doesn’t matter; it is what it is, and you can’t control them being insecure. It’s too bad that they’re not proud (though I’m sure your dad is), but you can’t control other people.</p>
<p>However, people generally don’t lash out with no provocation. I do get the sense that you’re not as nice to your family as you can be and may be bossy (or just a mother hen) towards them. That usually does not get a good reaction from most people in any setting (except environments where urgency is required). </p>
<p>So be nice to people, get closer with your dad, and live your own life. You have to live your life for yourself and be happy with your own goals and acheiving them, regardless of how proud other people may or may not be. Get emotional support from your dad. Your bf may just be afraid of losing you. Have a heart-to-heart with him about why he feels the way he does. I do think it’s a shame about your brother, though. Seems like he’s still rebelling against your dad and you for some reason. It may be best for your dad to write a letter your future brother (he when he is older). It’s OK to learn a trade instead of going to a 4-year college (I certainly don’t think that a lot of brand names are worth spending $200K extra on), but when he matures, he’ll realize that it’s stupid to rebel against your dad or you, because your dad will be gone, and you’ll be farther away, and he’ll have to live his own life, so he owes it to himself (and future wife and kids) to maximize his potential. It’s never too late to learn or get a degree. He can always do it later in life. Lay out the advice. He can take it or leave it. Tell him that he’ll eventually mature and eventually come around to your view that maximizing your potential is the path to living a happy life, but just put it out there because in the end, it won’t much matter to you whether he does or not.</p>
<p>This is like Crab Mentality (from wikipedia):</p>
<p>Crab mentality is a phrase that describes a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither can you.” The metaphor refers to a pot of crabs. Individually, the crabs could easily escape from the pot, but instead, they grab at each other in a useless “king of the hill” competition which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise. The analogy in human behavior is that members of a group will attempt to “pull down” (negate or diminish the importance of) any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of envy, conspiracy or competitive feelings.</p>
<p>Don’t be a crab.</p>