I'm in an extremely difficult situation, please help me out!

College Life
1

To start I’m currently a freshman in my university online for the fall semester and living at home. This spring I plan on going to the campus but my biggest issue is to dorm or not to dorm?

I’m going to make this really simple by writing out the pros and cons and I’d like to know what you guys think:

Commuting to college/living at parents house

Pros: 1) No housing or food costs (tuition is already paid for by scholarships) 2) I would buy my brothers car off him and have relative freedom 3) Stable restaurant job in neighborhood

Cons: 1) No friends in neighborhood 2) While at my parents house I must pretend to be super Christian while I’m really atheist. 3) Cannot be openly gay at home 4) My brothers car will cost me $8k +$220 insurance premium a month + gas for commuting 5) 30 minute daily commute to university

Dorming in college (note that if I decide to dorm in college my parents would likely consider me a rebel and cut off all financial support (this is very little support other than obviously room, board, and food) and I would not have a place to return to if things were to go bad. Nevertheless here are the pros and cons:

Pros:

  1. $15k savings to start off with 2) Independence 3) Openly gay 4) No car required ($3k savings a year) 5) Possibility of university job 6) Social life 7) No need to put up a facade of being religious

Cons: 1) Parents devastated their son is going to an immoral college 2) Room, board, and meal plan is $4.5k a semester 3) No car 4) If college doesn’t work out I would be stuck there (not worried about this one, I have social experience and have roomed with other people before)

To be perfectly clear this is not a rant, I am trying to solve this issue being as analytical as possible. What makes it so complicated is the fact that choosing to live on campus would mean an end to a relationship with parents (because they consider it rebellious in our religion [long story] whereas every other college student does not have to worry about this response)

In terms of financials these would be my costs per year:

Living at home:
-$2,200 insurance premiums (I’m 20 after all)
-$360 gym membership
-$400 gas
-$400 misc car costs (oil change, registrations)
-$8000 (one time car payment, not yearly)
+$20,000 restaurant job

Living at Uni:
-$9,000 room, board, and meal plan
$0 car (no car)
$0 gym (free uni gym)
+$5,500 federal unsub loan
Job is unclear atm, could be low-paying uni job ($10k/year) or restaurant job around the area ($20k)

I’m sorry if this was kind of long but you should have a better idea of where to stand. Personally I want to make the jump to uni, I just don’t have the balls to do it.

Thanks so much for reading :slight_smile:

2

That’s a really tough decision. I like how you analyzed your situation very carefully. Only you can make this decision and I’m just a faceless stranger online, but I’d choose to live at uni if I were you. I bet you do have the balls to do it.

3

Agreed. It’s smart to write it all out. I’m s parent now and my parents were like yours in many ways. I ended up on my own for school after a big blowout. Best thing that ever happened. No guarantees but I think you will be much happier being yourself and on your own.

4

On campus job yes, an off campus restaurant job with all hours, late hours would not be a good idea imo.

If you have the money saved and taking out loans for the R&B it might be possible, but where would you go during breaks if you can’t go home? Also what if you wanted to rent and needed parent to cosign lease?

5

I personally think you need to gain some independence and one way to do that is to live in a dorm.
However, can you do that in a way that your parents are happy?
Like can you show (pretend) how excited you are about the campus ministry program?
That your first choice is a substance free dorm?
That you want to live in a single sex dorm?

Another way to go is to stay at home, save up money, and leave home after College.

6

I think you need to figure out all the years, not just this year. I am sympathetic to your reasons for wanting to move out, though. Why buy the car now? How are you getting to school without it? If you continue to live at home, why can’t you keep doing whatever you are doing now?

Also, will you be counting on your parents to fill out FAFSA so you can get loans? They may refuse to do that, and then you can’t get the Federal loan you mention.

My reluctant advice is to suck it up and keep faking thru junior year. Don’t buy a car if you don’t have to. Save so you can move to campus senior year.

7

That’s a tough spot, and I’ve had close friends who have been in similar situations. I’m sorry you have to go through this. For what it’s worth, what my friends (who were in similar situations) did was suck it up through out college until they graduated and had a viable plan to support themselves, and then they cut ties with their parents.

Only you can decide what your happiness is worth and if you can stick it out with your parents or if you really just can’t do it anymore.

Are your parents okay with you being on campus but they just don’t want you to live there? If they are okay with you being on campus, you can stay there most of the time and only come home mainly to sleep and eat. You could still get a job on campus, which will give you an excuse to stay on campus, will help you save money, and will help you meet other students. You can study on campus during the day and spend time with friends. Many schools have a commuter lounge where students can hang out during the day between classes and such. If your parents are okay with giving you some sort of freedom to be out a lot during the day (and even at night), you can likely wrangle it so that you are hardly ever home, but I don’t know how difficult your parents would be about that.

My concern would mainly be just that if something changes, you might not have a safety net if you cut off ties with your parents. Does your school allow you to stay on campus during breaks (not all dorms do, and you’ll need to consider where you will live over the summer)? What happens if you lose your scholarship that pays your tuition? What happens if you have a medical emergency? What happens if you end up not being able to afford room and board in future years? I’m not saying you should stay with your parents, by any means. I’m just saying that it’s hard to be a full-time college student with a very limited support system. You’re the only one who can decide if you are ready to take that jump, and you’re the only one who can decide if living with your parents just isn’t worth it anymore.

Also, if you decide to keep living with your parents, that decision doesn’t necessarily need to be permanent. You can keep working and saving money to move out in future years. It’s not ideal, but if you don’t feel ready to move out right now, you can also stall for some time until you either think you have enough money and support (from friends or other family members) to move out or you just can’t handle living with your parents anymore.

I think OP is taking online classes this semester and wouldn’t be taking classes on campus until next semester.

8

Thanks so much for that reply it was really helpful. I basically had a talk with my parents and hinted to them that if they wouldn’t cover my car insurance I’d have no choice but to dorm. They got so scared about that option that they immediately agreed to pay for my car insurance! So i think I’ll stick it out as long as possibly at my parents house, save up money with zero expenses. Also my parents don’t care where I go during the day so as long as I’m back by 12pm to sleep at home.

9

You need a solid four year plan. You need to consider the long term effects of your actions both financial and emotional. You need to really consider what living on campus really gains you. In your case, it sound like you can live the life you want as long as you are home by midnight. The real issue is that when you are home, you need to live a lie. Short term, you will still have to do that even if you dorm unless you want to risk cutting all ties to your parents.

You are in the same situation as most students. Most have to follow their parents rules when living under their roof. Not fun but that is the reality. I understand that it is unfortunate that you parents cannot accept that you are gay.

Other then that, it appears that your parents are very supportive. The only restrictions they seem to place is that you sleep in your own bed and respect their views. I see no mention of rent or chores or unreasonable curfews. They are helping you to go to school by providing room and board and car insurance even though they consider the school immoral. Truthfully that is more then many students get.

The question is the support worth it? Only you can decide. All I can say is that three years is a drop in the bucket when the day is done. Student debt stays around for a long time.

Posts like this always puzzle me. What do your parents think that you would be doing between 12am-7am that you couldn’t do between 7am-12am? I guess that also applies to you. Keep in mind that you will have a roommate that might not like having overnight guests. I guess the parents want to maintain the illusion that their child is not sleeping with someone. Most students get very good at maintaining that illusion. Shouldn’t have to be that way.

10

Maybe your parents sense that you are gay and feel that if you are truly on your own you will be “out of control”. It’s sad to think that people are so uptight in this day and age. The most important thing, whether you are at home or living in the dorm is that you create a good life for yourself. If I were you I would live at home, but join your schools’ gay alliance organization and meet others you can be yourself around. Join other clubs, eat as many meals as you can on campus, take part in study groups, etc. Go to parties. Just be home by 12! Immerse yourself in your college and live your life the way you want. You just won’t be sleeping there.

11

I agree with @intparent Try to hold out for one more year. Then spend your senior year on campus funded by your own savings (good for you for having the discipline to save so much!) You won’t have to worry about their compliance with FAFSA at that point if you can fund room and board on your own.

Good luck and I’m sorry that you are having to live this double life. It may not seem like it right now, but it’s finite. I hope that once you decide to pursue your own path that your folks will come around in time.