<p>I feel like I'm the only person in this situation. None of my other friends have overbearing parents who won't let them dorm because they realize that it is part of the college experience. I love my parents and relatives, but I really do not understand why they are so stubborn and old-fashioned. I get straight A's, I don't drink or smoke, I barely hang out with friends outside of school, and if I do, I always arrive home on time. I do everything right! They say it's not necessary when I have a room with them that I don't have to pay for, but I want to feel independent from them for once. I tried negotiating and suggested paying for my dorm myself, but they just end up getting angry and silent.
I'm sorry if this just sounds like teenage angst, but I can't help how upset I am.
Help! I don't know what else to do :(</p>
<p>Dorm life is an important college experience. Is yours a cultural thing? Also maybe if you agree to split time. Sunday-Tuesday at home. Wed-Sat at the dorm. GL</p>
<p>It’s a family thing because all of my aunts are also against dorming. Specifically the girls in the family. One of my cousins lied to her parents and said she had no choice but to dorm because she has to take a late class. My parents are too smart for that though.</p>
<p>I’d say the best thing to do would be to go to a school far away enough that you’d have to live at the college</p>
<p>I agree not to attempt lying or manipulating. Those behaviors would give the opposite impression of the maturity and responsibility that you need to convey. </p>
<p>I am an advocate of dorm living. That said, your parents are naturally very important in your life and you want to maintain a good relationship with them. Plus, they are paying, though maybe you have some access to funds of your own, given your suggestion that you pay for the dorms.</p>
<p>Here’s what I suggest:</p>
<p>First, I think you need to stop and appreciate everything they have done for you. I mean this. Really think about all they have given you - emotionally as well as physically - so that when you talk with them you have an attitude of appreciation for them rather than an attitude of rebellion. Thinking of them as “overbearing” is not helpful. They have reasons for their opinion.</p>
<p>Think about why they may be having you live at home. You sound responsible, so it’s probably not a question of your readiness. Is it cultural? Are they afraid of losing you or losing your love? Do they know a girl who was raped in the dorms so that they are afraid for you? Is it possibly a question of finances? Have they heard stories of “good girls gone bad”? Maybe they are just very thrifty and can’t imagine spending good money for a dorm when you have a room at home. This is a valid perspective. Or maybe you have a cousin who had a less-than-successful dorm experience.</p>
<p>When you have thought through the possibilities, try having a very CALM, mature discussion with them, where you don’t cry or beg but where you ask questions, like asking them what their concerns might be about you living in the dorm. Your job in this (first) conversation is to draw them out fully and get information. Ask them what it would take for them to be open to you living in a dorm. Don’t make your own suggestions in this first meeting. Try to understand them completely. Tell them you really want to see things from their perspective. Let them know how much you love and respect and appreciate them. </p>
<p>Then, really think over what they say. Are there concerns that you can defuse by addressing them? Are there ways you can earn their permission to be on campus? Have a second, calm, discussion about this. Let them know how much it would mean to you to live on campus. Have GOOD reasons, such as a transition towards independence, trying out your wings while remaining close to home, etc. </p>
<p>You say you tried negotiating in the past but they got angry and silent. This suggests to me that your “negotiating” might have included crying or yelling. The calm, mature approach often works wonders. Try it and let us know how it goes.</p>
<p>Deleted.</p>
<p>I</p>
<p>denise, have you already decided upon a school? Because if it isn’t decided, as suggested by AeroMike, a school far from home would take care of it. You’d have to dorm.</p>
<p>If my kid was like you, I’d definitely decide you were responsible enough to dorm if it was important to you, and it would be a done deal. It doesn’t sound like teenage angst, you sound responsible and ready to have your freedom. I am voting with you. Can you go to school far away?</p>
<p>Very good advice, calla1.</p>
<p>deniserendipity,</p>
<p>The simple fact is that nationwide more students commute than live in dorms on campus or in apartments with other students. If you live at home you will be having the experience of the majority of students. Residential life is not cheap, and will almost certainly cost more money than you can pay for on your own.</p>
<p>I would try to pick a school they respect and is far away ;)</p>
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<p>Yes you can.</p>
<p>Reread post #5 and don’t discuss the situation with your parents until you can be calm, and remain calm, during the discussion.</p>
<p>Happymom: If you extrapolate community college, online college, students over 21, off campus housing (away from parents) etc, etc. I not so sure your numbers would hold up? I’ll stand corrected if they do.</p>
<p>OP wants to live away from home, and obviously so do tens of thousands of others. I’m not seeing how it matters whether or not OP is in the majority.</p>
<p>sosmenza -</p>
<p>Still looking for better stats for you. Here are some numbers for community college students from 2009: [Fast</a> Facts](<a href=“http://www.aacc.nche.edu/AboutCC/Pages/fastfacts.aspx]Fast”>http://www.aacc.nche.edu/AboutCC/Pages/fastfacts.aspx) All evidence indicates that the percentage of first-time traditional-age college students attending community colleges has increased drastically since the economic crisis set in. In our area, some of the CCs have seen increases of more than 25% in enrollment for traditional-age students.</p>
<p>When we consider the numbers of traditional-age college students in large urban areas where students have long traditions of commuting from home for at least the first two years, it is easy to conclude that living at home for part of one’s college education is the majority experience. Whether or not it is the majority experience to live at home for a full four years is a good question. However, clearly dorm life is a minority experience over all.</p>
<p>Living in a dorm can be terrific, I know, I did it. Not just four years of undergrad but also three years later on for grad school. Realistically though, many families flat-out cannot afford it, and even those that might be able to afford it cannot find themselves justifying the additional expense if commuting is possible. Like many other students who want to live in dorms, deniserendipity needs to determine her parents’ reasons for their opposition. It may well be that they have other ways that they would like to spend the money that it would cost.</p>
<p>deniserendipity - </p>
<p>Sorry, but I have about as much sympathy for you as I would have if your thread were titled “How Do I Convince my Parents to Get me a Pony?”</p>
<p>You have three options:</p>
<p>(1) Pay the entire cost of attending college yourself - and live anywhere you like.</p>
<p>(2) Forego college for the time being, get a job, and save your pennies until you are able to pay the entire cost of attending college yourself.</p>
<p>(3) Be very grateful you have parents who are willing and able to underwrite the cost of your college education, and quit whining.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, if you decide on option #3, it’s entirely possible that your parents will become more lenient after you have a successful year or two of college under your belt.</p>
<p>That’s talking about community colleges only. Duh, dorms at a CC are a minority experience.</p>
<p>Anyways, I don’t see why we’re discussing whether it’s a minority or a majority of college students who commute to school. It’s an illogical argument that because something is done by the majority of people it’s the right thing to do. For instance, the majority of the people in the world live in Asia. Would you like to volunteer to move to China, India, or Indonesia, since they are part of the majority, and have larger populations than the US?</p>
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<p>OP asked an entirely reasonable question. She wants to live in a dorm, and she would like advice on how to attain this objective.</p>
<p>I am not seeing how it matters whether we have sympathy with her, or whether *we *think she should live in a dorm, or whether we find her ungrateful.</p>
<p>OP, If I were you, I would run far, far away from this particular set of parents and not look back. Think opposite coast. Or if you live midwest/mideast, perhaps Canada? Or Seattle? lol.</p>
<p>Have you considered looking into women’s colleges? Maybe the deadline is past, but you could take a gap year, work, apply next fall, and go for fall of 14. Maybe your parents would be much more likely to support dorming if they knew you were at a place where only females lived in the dorms, and that the school was in a very nice, safe location? Just a thought?
What schools did you apply to ? Are they only allowing you to apply to schools that do not require living on campus? Since it seems to be all the females reacting negatively, they are probably very afraid for your personal security, rather than concerned over you turning into a wild partier. Talk to them. A lot. Really, really listen to what they are saying. Ask outright "What about dorm living worries you?
Good luck.</p>
<p>OP, I feel your pain. I grew up in a town with a mid-size, fourth-tier no-name university and my parents made me go there, even though they easily could have sent me elsewhere in-state. My dad in particular had serious issues with letting go. They didn’t do me any favors - I had a terrible time adjusting when I did get a job and move away and my dad later confessed that he wished he’d sent my brother and me away to school to make us more independent. I insisted my S1 go away to college (I didn’t have to insist very hard!) and he’d doing great learing to handle things on his own, and S2 is eager to go. IMHO, you learn just as much getting away from home as you do in class.</p>