<p>Making an effort is so easy. I talk to the person in line behind me in the cafeteria, and we sit together. I see someone sitting alone, I approach them, we sit together. And then we talk, introduce ourselves, the usual things. I make a huge effort to keep the conversation going.</p>
<p>But the "friends" that I'm making aren't sticking. Either they'll respond positively, and we'll be friendly in a polite way, and we'll hang out for the day. And then I never see them around campus again. Or they'll be really unresponsive, smile politely, and respond coldly in one or two phrases. Sooner or later you realize that they don't like you on first sight, and it's a humiliating feeling. The only person I'm on constant speaking terms with is my roommate, and she doesn't really want to hang out with me.</p>
<p>So my question is: does it get better once classes start? Is it easier to make friends in your classes rather than approaching random people on campus?</p>
<p>Ditto what srose said. Besides, it sounds like you are a freshmen so you’ve been on campus for only a few days. Keep your positive attitude up and you will find your niche as well as a close circle of friends.</p>
<p>You’ve only been on campus for a few days at the most, right? Who really has “friends” at that point? You sound like you’re making all the right moves, so just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be sure to find your group sooner or later. Invite people out, find a club or something you’re interested in, etc… It’ll be fine.</p>
<p>Thanks guys for replying. I know I’m probably freaking out a little but it’s my third day, and I’m already starting to see some cliques forming, other groups of freshmen hanging out around campus, and here I am sitting in my dorm pretending that I’m actually doing something. Would it be weird to ask people I’ve just met to hang out or for their phone number? Because most of the people I’ve talked to seem a little… aloof. Like they’re only thinly interested in me. And I don’t want to come off as clingy and desperate. (Yeah, I’m definitely freaking out.)</p>
<p>“Friends” you make now are highly unlikely to be real friends, except maybe one or two from your dorm. Join clubs, talk to people from classes (smaller classes are better), and just keep doing what you’re doing. The first couple weeks are tough.</p>
<p>Also:</p>
<p>1) exchange numbers with EVERYONE. You can delete them later.
2) Keep the door to your room propped open if you’re inside it, always.
3) Tag along with large groups when they go places. Don’t turn down invitations unless you really dont want to go. Everyone will go to the same mass things, so if you don’t, you’ll be fairly alone. Also, are all the upperclassmen there yet? If not, don’t freak out. Things will normalize.</p>
<p>Most freshmen are just as shy and insecure as you are. That’s probably why the conversations are difficult to keep going. Most teens aren’t that good at small talk yet.</p>
<p>The people hanging around in cliques probably either knew the people from high school or out of despearation are clinging to people whom they’ve just met, and may not have much in common with except for being freshmen.</p>
<p>Instead of just hanging around your dorm room, go to some of the activities that are going on or just wander around the campus and nearby community and become familiar with it.</p>
<p>College isn’t like high school. One isn’t viewed as strange or an outcast for doing things by themselves. One is viewed more as an independent person who has the confidence to dive into life.</p>
<p>By getting out, you’ll also meet more people – particularly if you go out and do things you’re interested in. You’ll meet people with similar interests.</p>
<p>I wonder what advice people have for one who has been in that situation for two years of college already. I was in several clubs, officer in one of them, did all the right things-- but I get the same reaction as the OP. Most of the people in the club I was an officer of hadn’t even learned my name yet when I left, and I was one of the most active members and I tried to make conversation with them all the time. I am transferring this year anyway to a new school for unrelated reasons so I am hoping it’ll be better, but I wonder if I am doing something wrong.</p>
<p>I don’t understand how people in a club in which you were an active officer hadn’t learned your name. What kind of activities did you do in the club? </p>
<p>I hope your new school will be a better fit for you. Sometimes the kind of social problems you describe are due to a student’s being a bad fit for a particular college socially even if the college is a good academic fit. </p>
<p>There also are many regional differences in this country, and, for instance, behavior that people in one part of the country may view as friendly and gregarious may be viewed as overly aggressive in another part of the country.</p>
<p>It was a student activities board, we planned some social events on campus but mostly did community service. I was responsible for planning, organizing, and executing fundraisers for local non-profits. I did a couple and about a third of the club participated at each, and we met once a week to discuss all our plans and make future plans, and I participated actively at each meeting. But for some reason it seemed like nobody was really interested in me, and once the meeting ended it was like I’d become invisible. Maybe I’m just boring? I don’t know. I also did rotoract and newspaper staff-- the latter of which met EVERY DAY, and I managed to not make any friends there either. It was a community college though and I am transferring to umich, so if nothing else it ought to be a different playing field. There’ll be LOTS of different clubs for me to try out, and lots of social opportunities around town. I am optimistic but must admit I am worried, my community college experience is essentially the story of my life. It would be so disappointing if things didn’t go differently this time.</p>
<p>I wonder, what makes for a good social fit? I considered Michigan a good fit academically, and also considered that I was comfortable with the area and that there seemed like there would be a lot to do there for fun. However, I know economically I am going to be very different from a lot of my classmates and wonder if that will make a difference.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I’m not exactly shy or anything, I’m very good at keeping the conversation going and bringing up new topics to talk about. But most of the people I talk to, they just seem indifferent and distant. Like they’re only talking to me because their friends aren’t around, and they don’t want to be by themselves. After a while it just gets tiring. I guess it might get better once clubs and classes start. Thank you guys again.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that some of the people who are sitting alone have chosen to sit alone.</p>
<p>If you had approached me in the dining hall during my first few days of living in the dorm, I would have tried to be polite and friendly, but I would also have been very comfortable eating alone before you showed up. Therefore, I would have been perfectly happy if we had a pleasant meal together and never saw each other again. That would not have meant that I disliked you on sight.</p>
<p>When I was 17 I was much more comfortable in more structured social situations. I preferred to make friends with people who were taking a class with me or with people who were in a group I had joined or even people who lived close to my dorm room than with people who just approached me out of the blue. And that was compounded by the fact that my roommate was extremely social and really made a huge effort to try to make friends with me and include me in everything. <em>EVERYTHING</em>. <em>ALL</em>DAY<em>LONG</em>AND<em>INTO</em>THE<em>EVENINGS</em>. It drove me nuts. It was a very kind thing to do and even at the time I recognized how kind it was, but I was completely overwhelmed and I needed time by myself.</p>
<p>Therefore even if I recognized that you were a wonderful person whom I would have really enjoyed getting to know – and I met a few people like that in my first couple of weeks at college, and probably a few more whose wonderfulness I did not immediately notice – I would have tried to make polite conversation with you and then when the meal was over I would have made some kind of excuse to get away and find a chance at solitude somewhere else.</p>
<p>You should not feel humiliated just because someone doesn’t want what you want out of a social encounter. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you; different people just have different social needs, and while some of the people you see eating alone are probably desperate for someone like you to come along and try to make friends, others are probably not interested in making friends no matter who asks to join them.</p>
<p>I say keep on doing what you’re doing - don’t give up. I met some of my closest friends in the dining hall - they just sat down next to my roommate and I on day 2 of orientation and we’ve been friends since! </p>
<p>Also, as another posted said, keep your door open. Your dorm is a perfect place to befriend people. Doing laundry, in the lounge, at the vending machines, etc.</p>
<p>^ I agree. From the way you are putting it, OP, it sounds like you are trying WAY too hard. I’d be trying to come up with an excuse to leave if you just randomly came up to me and tried to start a conversation.</p>
<p>Maybe you need to change what you are talking about or how you approach people. A girl in my bio class this summer thought she was nice and outgoing and ‘actively participated’ in class but she was really just rubbing people the wrong way and didn’t know it. </p>
<p>And as for clubs, join smaller ones. Maybe ones that have just started, even. Bigger clubs will mean that you’ll get lost in the crowd. If you join ones where you HAVE to have a big role to keep the club running or a club that is about something that isn’t something everyone would join just to pad their resumes, you are more likely to make friends with the people in the club.</p>