I'm so scared of college decisions for fear of rejection :(

[xBudderpupper]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on College Confidential.

I always sought comfort on this site, so I feel that my concerns should be addressed here.

I am utterly terrified of getting rejected from my colleges. I feel as though my 12 years of education and hard work has led up to this very moment. I understand that rejection is a part of life, but my heart aches at the possibility of me getting rejected to every college I applied to.

I know that a part of me is afraid of disappointing my family and many others who believe that I can get into my dream school. I am afraid of seeing my teachers’, my friends’, and my sisters’ faces of disappointment…of pity. Even I know that I have a 3% chance of getting accepted to this particular school, but I can’t help feeling this smidge of hope. Although I know it’s useless to imagine things that are out of my reach, I can already see myself opening up the rejection letter and the tears welling up my eyes. But I can’t help it. I want to set up this low expectation for myself so that I am mentally prepared for the worst.

I am afraid that the 4 years of high school that I worked and studied extremely hard for will be wasted when I get rejected. Even though I studied so hard for the SAT, I still couldn’t get the score I wanted. So…on one hand, I know that there were things that I could have done better to strengthen my application, but on the other hand, I felt like I have already put in so much effort that I just can no longer push myself to be better.

It’s so silly of me to have such a negative mindset. I am here, typing this out while tears are streaming down my face LOL. I know that some of you sympathize with this, especially my fellow seniors who are anxiously awaiting for college decisions as well. I hope people can relate to this ‘irrational’ fear and draft discussions of comfort for one another.

[DadTwoGirls]

Relax.

There are a LOT of very good colleges and universities in the US (and more elsewhere). You will find people you like and people like you at a very wide range of schools. What you get from your years at university will depend a lot on what you put into it, and will depend very little on which university you go to.

The job market for recent PhD graduates looking for an academic job is very competitive. What this means is that there will be very strong professors who really know their stuff at a wide range of schools. There is also a very wide range of research being done at many different schools.

Try not to focus on one highly selective university. You can get a great education at many, many different schools. I happen to have gone to graduate school at a very highly ranked university, and there were other graduate students who had gotten their bachelor’s degree at what one colleague describes as “all over the place”.

Your applications are in. Relax. Have some ice cream. Get a good night’s sleep. You will hear back from many schools in the next few weeks. Then you will learn to love the schools that love you.

By the way, when I applied to graduate school I was rejected by my dream school. I went to my second choice instead, and LOVED it. I still thank Cornell for rejecting me so that I could go somewhere else.

[xBudderpupper]

Thank you for this very insightful comment. It honestly eased my nerves after reading it. I am glad you found a school that you ended up loving. I hope that whichever college I end up going to, even if it’s not my dream school, I’ll end up loving as well. I know that things happen for a reason, and we should just look at the brighter side of things. I will hold what you said to heart and remember that the future has a lot to offer.

[collegemom3717]

I have linked to this post (https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/applying_sideways/) so many times, but never for this reason. This is the part to focus on:

But what if you don’t get into MIT?

Well, you may be disappointed. But you learned everything you could, so now you’re smarter; you were a positive member of your community, and you made people happy; and you spent high school doing not what you thought you had to do to get into a selective college, but what you wanted to do more than anything else in the world. In other words, you didn’t waste a single solitary second of your time.

This:

But I can’t help it.

is simply not true…and this:

[quote]
I want to set up this low expectation for myself so that I am mentally prepared for the worst.

[quote]

Is self-defeating. I understand the impulse, and I admit to having done it. Guess what? you aren’t prepared. You can’t be. All you have done is wallow in self-inflicted pain before the actual real pain.

What you CAN do is step back and be realistic. You did apply to safety and match schools, not just schools with single digit acceptances, yes? Go back to the schools you applied to, and pick out two that you applied to as safeties, the ones that you are least excited about. Have a mock duel or debate between them. Make the case for each one against the other, based solely on the PROS of each one. Be firm with yourself, and stay focused on JUST the pros. Resolve the debate by declaring a victor, then set them aside. The next day pick your two least favorite match schools that you applied and do the same thing: remember pros only! Declare a victor, then set them aside.

The master level of this exercise is to pick something specific that you like about a safety or match school that you applied to, and then mention that thing to a parent, a classmate and a teacher (“to kill time while waiting for college results I have been looking back over all my applications. I had forgotten how good college X is at (Interesting thing) Y. That could be a real option for me”). A day or two later do the same exercise with another safety or match. Again, you have to be firm with yourself: no comparing with the shiny thing! When I go shopping for a car, I don’t look for all the ways that a Honda or Toyota is “less than” a Lamborghini- I look for the things that it does have that I want. One of the bonuses of this process is that if “everybody” knows that you were going for Tippy Top School X, it can feel like a failure if you don’t get in. This way you have laid the ground work for going to Normal School Y ("of course, it’s disappointing to not get X, but as you know I really liked this thing about Y, and I’m excited about going there.

The point of the exercise is to reset your ‘my life is a total failure if I don’t win an Olympic medal’ view of life (just 12% of Olympic athletes actually win a medal).

Last piece of advice: go do something physical and/or for somebody else. It’s hard to marinate in anxiety and self-pity when you are doing something for somebody else whose needs and challenges are clearly heavier than your own. Plus, both physical activity and feeling useful are known to be good for you.

Come back with results as they trickle in, and we will celebrate and commiserate with you as appropriate!

[melvin123]

About your fear of disappointing your family… they might be disappointed FOR you, but they won’t be disappointed IN you. There’s a world of difference.

If you don’t get into your top choice, all your hard work in HS is still worth it. You’re taking all that knowledge and skills to college with you, and you’ll be a much stronger student in college because of it. Honestly, it will make a big difference to you in college.

You can help set the mood for how people will react if you get bad news. If you are devastated by a rejection, your family/friends will be devastated for you. If you can take the hit, though, and find something to get excited about in the schools you do get into, your family/friends will get excited with you.

Lastly, I know a bunch of people who got rejected from all of their preferred schools and went to their safety. They fell into 3 categories: 1- some kept their senior year grades up and did interesting ECs over the summer and then did well their 1st year of college and transferred into their dream school, 2- some adjusted their thinking and decided to get everything they could out of the safety and Thrived there and then got into top grad schools or got great jobs, or 3- they were miserable for freshman year and got meh grades or they were not happy the whole time and they missed out on a good college experience. I know it’s SO much easier for someone else to say this, but if you can change how you will view your possible results, you can end up having a positive outcome even if you do get rejected from your first choice.

Best of luck to you!

[Groundwork2022]

No sympathy here, just a little tough love…

If you apply to a carefully researched list of safety and match colleges, there is very little chance of you getting shut out everywhere. The folks that happens to are the kids who don’t do their research. And even they end up with options, even if they aren’t ones resembling the original plan. It most often works out okay for them too.

It’s great to dream big, but if the mere thought of getting rejected from your dream college is enough to set you off into a fit of tears, it probably isn’t a good college for you. Why not? Because those tippy tops are tough, highly competitive. And that doesn’t end when you get the acceptance letter. If you are having difficulty dealing with the stress now, just wait until classes start. Not to mention you’re cohort is full of the smartest kids in the world who have been the best of their class and the best in their ECs for much of their life. Talk about intimidating!

So get some rest. Lay off the junk food in favor of nutritional options. Clear your mind. Then, instead of spending your energy worrying about what other people think, start thinking about where you want to end up - after college, I mean - and the multiple ways of getting there. Then spend your energy doing careful research on colleges you are likely to get into and offer good opportunities of interest to you. No one dream college has a monopoly on opportunities.

[Knowsstuff]

My kids got Accepted, denied, rejected and wait listed from some very impressive schools.

Concentrate on the accepted ones. ?.

[bopper]

Mantra for the HS student:

Do not think 'Every point I get off of a homework or test is a point away from going to Harvard."
Think: “I need to do my best, and there will be a college that is right for me when I graduate.”

Do not think “If I don’t go to an Ivy League School/Top20, I am doomed forever.”
Think: “No matter where I go, I can bloom where I am planted. I can get involved and shine.”

Do not think: “My life is over…the kid in my math class is taking 20 APs and I am taking 5. I will never succeed.”
Think: “I need to challenge myself, but only to the point where I can still do well.”

So I hope you applied to schools that matched your GPA/SAT.

[Publisher]

OP: Rolling admissions would have helped calm, or exacerbate, your fears.

[theloniusmonk]

First off, your feelings are your feelings and no one should deny that you have a right to have them, as that’s how your emotions are right now.

“I felt like I have already put in so much effort that I just can no longer push myself to be better.”

So knowing you did your best, there’s not much more you can expect of yourself. You did your best, you have to let the results play out, and see what happens.

“It’s so silly of me to have such a negative mindset.”

It’s pretty typical of teenagers going through the admissions process to have a negative mindset, so don’t overanalyze it and call it silly or irrational. One of the things that research has shown that helps is gratitude, meaning think about others not in as good a situation as yours (like in places where there’s lots of conflict, or people that have come down with the coronavirus). That can help, at least in the short term. Good luck!.

[cptofthehouse]

I wish I could make you feel better. I really do. It’s difficult to control feelings. I often have irrational feelings and there is nothing that ameliorates them.

Yes, when you don’t get what you want, it hurts. The more you want something, the more it hurts when you don’t get it, is how it seems to me.

I can tell you that I just trudge forward the best I can. For most of us, especially seniors in high school, so much is happening that dealing with all the possibilities takes up a lot of brain cells so that not as many of them focusing on the hurt of a non possibility. This is a big transition.

I’ve had disappointments and Losses that really hurt, but the things that I managed to still had to do took over a lot of the focus I had. That did mitigate those emotions. Also, other problems issues, crises came up in life that took my attention away from a done deal disappointment. It’s not so much time that healed but the fact that there were so many other things that had to be done in that time.

Whatever colleges that you have on your list that accept you can take up your time, attention and planning. There will be a lot of information to process. So much to do.

Take care, and let us know where you do end up picking as your college.

[GOlions2024]

Dear Writer of this Post,

I completely understand where you are coming from. This process is SO crazy. We have an entire website to rant about college called College Confidential after all!

What I am saying is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

The fear of rejection in this process is NORMAL. Your emotions are OK as long as they don’t hurt your overall health long term.

Rejection is part of this process.

There are going to rejections and acceptances and waitlists and deferrals. It’s give and take.

I also know nothing I will say will make the situation better. The best cure for this is an acceptance, but I can’t give that to you as much as I could like to.

Hang in there. You are not defined by this and you are not alone.