****Important**** Grade my essay

<p>To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>What motivates people to change?
I believe change is motivated from the outside, not from within. An individual’s “environment”-one’s friends, one’s family, and people one meets everyday-all necessitate a change in one’s character. I am certain of this because of a drastic change I underwent about two years ago.
Throughout junior secondary school, I had always been a loner. My character was as a result of a case of extreme shyness. I was so timid that as I walked into the classroom, I felt as if a thousands eyes stared at me, questioning my every move. In order to protect myself from these eyes, I hid from my fellow classmates: when all other students were engaged in entertaining extracurricular activities, I locked myself in the library; while a classmate’s party was going just a few blocks from my house, I stayed at home to watch the television. My strategy worked effectively: no one knew I existed.
However, this effect did not last for long. A new student, Anita, was admitted into my school and the first person she noticed was me, hiding at the back of the class. Curious that I could be so shy, she took it upon herself to remove this veil of timidity. Consequently, she succeeded. How? She practically forced me out to of the library to relax with my other students during extracurricular events; she ensured that I attended any party I could attend. Gradually, this friendly but meddlesome attitude of hers brought out a change in me: from a recluse, I became one of the most popular students in my school. Soon, Anita stopped picking me up for parties. Instead, I picked her.
Therefore, it obvious that change can only be motivated from outside, not within because if I had stuck to myself, I would still be the loner I was.</p>

<p>I give this about an 8.</p>

<p>I think the first thing that popped into my mind after reading is that you need more/better examples. Sure, personal examples aren't too bad. But quite honestly, in order to get that perfect score you would want to include at least one literary or historical reference...preferably literary. I have found that using personal examples such as the one you included doesn't make for a strong essay as does some of the other references you could use. Also, I would try to have two examples instead of one. 2 books. 1 book 1 historical. You can even do three if you have time, but you should try to squeeze in 2 no matter what.</p>

<p>Other than that, try to focus more on the structure of the essay. I see that you have an intro, body, and conclusion. However, add in a thesis sentence in your intro so it is easy to follow and the reader knows exactly what you are trying to prove and how you are trying to prove it. Then include 2 or 3 body paragraphs, depending on how many examples you have, and finally restate your thesis in your conclusion. Pretty simple, but a good structured essay will get you more points. </p>

<p>Hope those comments helped.</p>

<p>Your essay is way too short, stanfordwannabe. After the writing test had been added to the SAT I, a professor at MIT did a study of the sample essays and grades issued by the College Board, and found a very strong correlation between score and length. CB later claimed that shorter essays could also receive high scores, but I think there has to be something really unusual about them for that to happen. Try looking at other people's practice essays on this forum, for length comparisons.</p>

<p>On a random note: that's a pretty cool story if it's actually true. You owe a lot to that Anita girl =]</p>

<p>Thanks guys. This was pretty helpful</p>

<p>Give me like a sample form of this same essay</p>

<p>Search the forum- there are a bunch of threads where people post their essays- and valuable critiques are given.</p>