in your opinion, will this common application essay get me into UPenn?

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Pennsylvania
1

<p>hey everyone,</p>

<p>ok so i want to know what my chances are of getting into UPenn, based on this essay and this other information:</p>

<p>my unweighted GPA for junior year is 3.76 and my weighted GPA for junior year is 4.435. my weighted GPA for all three years of HS so far is 4.200, but im not sure about unweighted. I'm applying to the Engineering school at Penn for Chem engineering, and here are the following math and science grades I've gotten:</p>

<p>Senior Year-AP Biology (grade A- so far, hope to pull it up in time)
AP Statistics (grade A)</p>

<p>Junior Year- AP Chemistry (grade A-)
AP Calculus AB (grade B+)</p>

<p>Sophomore Year- Honors Chemistry (grade A-)
Honors Biology (grade A)
Honors Pre-AP Calculus (grade B-)</p>

<p>Freshman Year- Honors Physics I (grade A)
Advanced Algebra II (grade A-)</p>

<p>highest SAT scores so far are 650 CR, 750 Math, 800 Writing, but i took it again and think i did better in CR and Math. the scores still have to come though. </p>

<p>SAT II scores: 790 Chemistry, 800 Math Level II</p>

<p>AP Scores: 5 on AP Chem exam, 5 on AP Calc AB exam</p>

<p>extracurriculars include: indian dance in bharatanatyam, kathak and modern dance classes
self-started dance school (i teach dance to kids, i make money from it)
radio jockey (i have my own show on the radio and record ads and interview people over the radio and work with other DJs)
piano
competitive dance troupe that meets 6 hrs/wk, performs at all big indian dance competitions (i only got accepted into the troupe senior year)
volunteering once a week for 1.5 hrs each at a yoga center (nonprofit)
NJ Chemistry Olympics club in 11th grade (got 6th place out of 22 in the competition)
worked for 30 hours in 2007 as a graphic designer for a diversity-awareness organization
worked 25 hours in the summer as a camp counselor
worked 12 hours at a school for dyslexic and autistic children in India
Students Against Destructive Decisions club in 10th grade
Reaching Everyone By Exposing Lies (REBEL) club in 9th grade
National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist (maybe Finalist, results not in yet)
High Honor Roll in my school all four years
National and Spanish Honor Society</p>

<p>here's my common app essay (supplement not finished yet)</p>

<p>Tensions mounted high as I sat with the group of five, trying to convey to them, once again, that they were supposed to be excited.
“Dance is about expression, you guys.”
I had echoed this constant refrain in this very basement so many times that I rivaled the broken grandfather clock one floor above, with a wooden expression and monotone to match. Watching their unenthusiastic performance, I started to lose heart. Celebratory music pumped energetically, expectantly, from the boom box in the corner, but my five students obliged(danced) only halfheartedly. Their movements unsynchronized, each one seemed to take it in turns to miss a few beats. My greatest disappointment, however, was that three days into choreographing a piece of my own, I still needed to constantly urge my group to smile. The song was about the exhilaration of flying a kite, and yet even with the ceaseless reminders, the only thing they seemed to be exhilarated about was the prospect of class ending in half an hour.
I turned off the music, took a deep breath, and studied their faces for a full minute. How could I ever make them adore dance the way I did? If my grueling efforts these past few days had only managed to convince them (confirm their theories?) that dance was an unpleasant chore, how could I ever call myself a teacher of the art I most love to practice?
I momentarily revisited the days when I, at six years old, stood in front of my own classical dance teacher. I vividly heard her speak to me: “Only if you are the music…only then, you will dance.”
Allow the music to drench you and the lyrics to devour you. Adjust the pulse of your heart to the rhythm. Your body defies the law of inertia, unstoppable despite the many forces it encounters. Taste that sense of homecoming as you ascend the stage, of welcoming the audience like an old friend. Sorrow translates into expression, ecstasy into energy, frustration into precision, fear into confidence, aggression into grace. That thirst, that unsated desire to be great…
I exhaled, understanding right then and there what I had been doing wrong. “Take a break, you guys. Let me tell you a story.”
They listened more closely than I had expected, as I recounted to them the meaning of the lyrics to which they were dancing. I told them about the kite festivals in India: the rush of adrenaline pulsing in the champion’s veins, and how exhilarating it must be to soar high, like the kite, and to be declared the winner in front of thousands.
“This time, when I play the music, you are the kite.”
As the minutes passed, as my new refrain continued, I observed the children’s steps lighten, their gestures sharpen, their motions finally match. I even caught a few smiles.
The gift of dance is nothing short of a treasure, its only commandment passed down, like a tradition, through generations from teacher to student. Without allowing yourself to be the music, to remember reality as only a vague memory, you will only think of dance as a combination of movement and sweat. I recognized the value of the one commandment as my classical dance teacher spoke to me all those years ago, and continue to worship it as I practice for competitions with my troupe for hours on end, as I twirl and spin down the hallways of my house, humming to myself when no one is watching.
The clapping and cheering from the debut of my choreography resounds in my ears to this day. Today, my students clamor to learn new steps and new stunts. I swell with unsurpassed pride as I watch them, and deflate, slightly crestfallen, as the clock marks the end of the hour. I reminisce sometimes about the confusion of the first few days of teaching and realize now that dance is not an act, but an inheritance.
Dance and I share a common hubris. Constantly in metamorphosis, as though my future self breathes in the ellipses after a poem, my learning will never meet its end. I, like my teachers, peers, and students, am a work in progress, one that perhaps will never truly culminate. Imperfect, I detangle my insecurities and seek, above all, to advance. My unsated desire to be great will never be quenched, but its taste stings my parched tongue sharply as I move forward: each step a gamble, yet a certainty. Excellence constantly evolves, leaving those who seek it unsure of what it expects. But I will always work towards it, my inheritance a lasting token in my palm. </p>

<p>feedback on the essay greatly appreciated.</p>

<p>so....what's the verdict? penn or not? thanks!!!</p>

2

<p>didn’t read everything but here’s what REALLY popped out at me:</p>

<p>You took pre-AP calc and then AB calc. Why not BC calculus? It’s almost a prerequisite to have BC calc done (especially for engineering). I know people who took multivariable calculus before coming to penn (that’s calc II). Also, where is your AP Physics? I don’t know of a single engineer without that course.</p>

<p>Even if you make it in without those courses, you are going to be at a gross disadvantage to your classmates because when you’ll be frantically learning, they will all be reviewing and then there’s the curve…</p>

3

<p>I think you have a very decent chance, I liked the essay - one of the better ones I’ve read on CC. I would suggest NOT to post it so everyone can see it though, you never know who might steal the idea or the entire essay. That could get both of you in big trouble.</p>

4

<p>your essay was very good. The descriptive style of your essay really paints a vivid picture in the reader’s mind. However, i felt that some parts got a little too wordy and you used too many commas and clauses in some sentences. Overall the essay was unique and definitely conveyed who you are as a person. It shows that you are very passionate about dance and are determined to get better and achieve success.</p>

5

<p>I also liked the essay. You have a way with words, and, although I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand what you were saying, the ending really soars.</p>

6

<p>hi 10 char</p>

7

<p>"You took pre-AP calc and then AB calc. Why not BC calculus? It’s almost a prerequisite to have BC calc done (especially for engineering). I know people who took multivariable calculus before coming to penn (that’s calc II). Also, where is your AP Physics? I don’t know of a single engineer without that course.</p>

<p>Even if you make it in without those courses, you are going to be at a gross disadvantage to your classmates because when you’ll be frantically learning, they will all be reviewing and then there’s the curve…"</p>

<p>Both of these statements are flat out false. As a freshman Engineer, I wasn’t able to take BC calc or AP physics (my school didn’t offer them) and I am no farther behind the class/curve than other students. It is true that you will have to work a little harder than others, but you will still be able to stay on pace.</p>

8

<p>calc bc / ap phys are more or less required of students who have those options available - that’s all</p>

<p>if you didn’t, no biggie</p>

9

<p>Good essay. Try to combine a few sentences and drop some of the "I’ s- example, "I momentarily revisited the days when I, at six years old, stood in front of my own classical dance teacher. I vividly heard her speak to me: “Only if you are the music…only then, you will dance.”
Would you mind sharing the prompt to which you wrote this essay?
Also, while important grades are not the only deciding factor in admissions</p>

10

<p>His app has very very eminent flaws. He got a B- in pre calc. His UW, which is what colleges look at (a B in an AP course is still B quality work), is weak. </p>

<p>Why in the world does he take Stats over Calc BC or Multi variable calc at an university?
Stats is about the easiest class in the world after human geography lol.</p>

<p>His weak CR and his extracurriculars just scream “Asian,” which definitely is not good.</p>

<p>His essay, however, is fairly unique and well written.</p>

11

<p>kosherz: I totally disagree with your saying “His weak CR and his extracurriculars just scream “Asian”, which is definitely not good.” Since when is it considered bad to be interested in learning about aspects of Asian culture? And it doesn’t necessarily have to be an Asian person who in interested in Asian dancing styles. october30 may be Asian, but your statement there is faulty.</p>

<p>To the thread OP, I think your B’s in pre-calc and calc AB may hurt you a little since you are trying to go for engineering. If your school doesn’t offer AP Physics and such, then you are not at fault, and Penn won’t question that. I think it would have been more helpful if you did more extracurriculars that involve something science-related, since that is what you’re applying for. But since it’s now probably a little too late to catch-up on that, just make sure you mention in one of your essays good reasons for choosing to major in chemical engineering. Your standardized test scores are all pretty good, so I think you have a chance at Penn - especially if you nail those essays.</p>

12

<p>^^^ When is it bad? It was bad when Schools started Affirmative action.</p>

13

<p>If you think your essay is a good representation of yourself, then you should send it. That is the only thing that matters.</p>

14

<p>rather wordy…couldn’t wait for it to end. sorry, had to be honest. i hope to god you havent sent your application yet. try and sound more like a eighteen year old and less like your the president of the free world. just being honest.</p>

<p>on a more postive note…the indian dancing is cool…but not as great as I bet you think it is. everyone does special stuff like that…not soo original. </p>

<p>what are the rest of the schools you are applying to? why don’t you send your list so we can talk about it. </p>

<p>and just one more thing…why would you post your essay online? how do you know i didn’t send it as mine? :)</p>

15

<p>I think you have a great chance at Penn.
It’s a reach school for everyone, and your Bs in certain classes do hurt you, but I think the essay is well written and you show passion about Indian dancing with you essay and ECs, so that should serve you well. Good luck!</p>

16

<p>'scuse me but OP is a girl.</p>