Including pictures of your grandchildren in your Holiday cards??? Grandson's mom says no...

Parent Cafe Parent Cafe
1

The mother of my grandson apparently has very strong opinions on some things concerning her and my son’s new baby. He is only a few months old but she has quite clearly not liked all of my opinions on certain things, and I am usually able to see her side and let her “win” because she is his mother. I’m not going to go into details, but I think some of it stems from me being the paternal grandmother and feeling a little un-needed. I changed the names in the exchanges I reference below. She is big on the “I am his mother.”

I had asked her about including a picture of them in a collage holiday photo care. I wrote something like this “I would like to do a collage Christmas card for grandpop and I to send this year and include one of the three of you, or maybe get you guys to pose with us, brother and Dog.”

She replied “Thank you for thinking of us but newDaddy and I are very excited to send out our own Christmas cards this year introducing our new family”

I wrote several sentences that I never intended for them to NOT send their own card, but that I like to send a photo collage and maybe a newsletter to brag about my new grandson and my other son who is graduating. I told her we will have different Christmas lists anyway.

She wrote “I guess since the baby is new I’m okay with you adding our picture this year.”

I then worked up a start on my card and as a courtesy I sent her an email with a screenshot. I included one of the 3 of them, my 2 sons (the newdaddy and his brother) with newUncle holding the baby, and my husband and I holding the baby in the hospital. You can barely see the baby except for in the one of the 3 of them. I plan to add one of my son (not the new daddy) and our dog. The biggest pic is hubby and me. I explained that I never have pics of just hubby and me, or really of my 2 sons together, or even many of S2 at all, but since the baby we now have some.

She wrote " that’s not exactly what you presented to me when you asked if you could just add a photo of newDaddy, baby and I to your collage after I already said no thank you we will be sending out our own to present our new family. But for this year and to be 100% clear this year only, I am okay with you adding additional photos that include baby in them. Again, new daddy and I are very excited to present our family to everyone so in the years to follow we will be exclusively sending out photos of our family" She didn’t like the picture of the three of them that I used.

I think she is being over-the-top. If i want to send a picture of my grandson to my friends and family (not her family) I should be able to. Good thing she hasn’t seen my facebook! I thought about friending her but can see the mistake that would be.

I replied “that’s fine, I won’t use that photo of you guys. I can’t even tell you don’t have makeup as your skin looks perfect.” That’s not what I WANTED to say, but apparently I have to suck it up if I want to be in the baby’s life as much as I’d like to. It sucks being the newDaddy’s mother…

Opinions?

2

OK, it does sound like your collage has three pics of the baby instead of the one she was imagining. Do you really need all of those? Of course you can do whatever you want but instead of many not-so-great small pictures, perhaps fewer, nicer photos would be nice. The part where she says that in the future her card will have exclusive rights to their family pic is a bit over the top! But next year you could have the baby with its grandparents in the collage.

3

What does your son say? She’s the mother and she can decide what she wants to send out, but your son is also a parent. If he isn’t willing to step up for you, then forget it.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be too thrilled about being in a collage photo display. Ask her for the picture she wants you to include.

4

First, she’s lucky that her baby has grandparents that love and care for him so much.

It was nice of you to ask ahead of time. Some people would just send the card out without asking. Grandparent’s prerogative and all. Or you could have just told your son, “I’m sending out the Christmas card and including a photo of your family”, and left it at that. By telling instead of asking, it would have left the ball in their court to raise an issue. Since you asked instead, you opened the door to her easily saying no. My older sister once told me during my teens that my problem with getting my parents to let me do things is that I asked, where she just told them - and sometimes not even that. :wink:

I think one slip up you made was mentioning one photo then doing the mock-up with 3 photos. It gave her something to gripe about.

Sounds like there might be some other history here playing into this exchange? She sounds high maintenance.

5

My sons aren’t married yet but … but I think your DIL sounds like a pill… I would correspond with the son from now on.

6

Yikes, what a tricky situation. It sounds like she is being territorial about “owning” the baby and his/their progress over the coming years in a way that indicates a lot of insecurity. People who are relaxed and not fearful do not act that way.

Is there anything you might have said or done since the baby was born that might make her feel somehow displaced?Maybe her own mother has acted that way and she has become generally defensive? Is this the first grandchild on both sides?

When I had my twins, they were the first grandchildren on both sides. Sometimes, I felt like there weren’t enough babies around for everyone to hold even though we had two! It was great when family visited and they were always helpful but also nice when H and I were alone (and exhausted) with the babies. Unlike your DIL, I found it tricky at first to find my own voice in telling my parents and in-laws how I wanted things to be. My FIL would talk about putting a little rice cereal in a baby bottle with formula to help a newborn sleep - egad, and my mother once accused me of being selfish for breastfeeding because it would deprive other people of time with the babies. It is a fraught time and we were all learning as we went.

So in that sense, I can see where DIL is coming from in terms of wanting to be clear but I agree that this is over the top. Keep your Christmas collage and ask her if there’s another photo she likes better of the three of them that you can include in it. She should be able to email it to you. Or email her a few alternatives. It might be an awful process but it may just be that the situation needs a bit of finessing and you want to ensure that your future relationship with her will be as smooth as possible. The better it goes with her, the more you will see your grandchild! That’s what is at stake here.

7

I personally can see wanting to include a photo of you, your husband and the new baby together - or a small pic of the baby - but I do think it’s a bit much to have a photo of your son and his family on YOUR card. That’s me.

You said: “If i want to send a picture of my grandson to my friends and family (not her family) I should be able to.” Yet, you have gone to a lot of trouble to double check with your daughter in law - so clearly, you have/had hesitation on either your end or her end.

Motherhood and her new family is very new to her. She’s probably just really excited about doing baby introductions HER way. I kind of get that. Carry a photo of new baby in your purse to show off in person to people and maybe post an occassional photo on FB if your son or DIL is ok with that. But really - they are the parents now and while hopefully they will be fairly reasonable, this is a new role with new decisions for them - try and respect that and not make it a source of contention.

8

Do you have a long tradition of sending photocollages (or at least photo cards) every year or is this a new thing?

9

Some people of my generation just simply do not want many photos of their kids roaming around. Growing up in the generation where EVERYTHING was captured on camera and spread without thinking twice has led to some wanting much more privacy. It’s a backlash.

I’m just giving a perspective.

10

Make sure your Facebook settings are for friends only, on everything, not friends of friends. Go through each photo album in your history and check them. My MIL was surprised by this recently when the ex of one of her friends had some access to her photos because she had tagged him years ago. Even though she had unfriended him, he could see them because of the tags.

11

Personally I would have no problem with it. This seems to be one of the sad realities of life sometimes. People who have grandparents/in laws who want to be involved and are proud are not appreciative of that. I am someone who has six kids, now ages 8-24, and neither set of grandparents ever were that interested in the kids. From where I’m sitting, it seems lovely that you’d want to show off the grandson, especially when he’s just arrived. I think it’s wise of you to avoid major confrontations over this, but it does seem unreasonable and sad to me.

12

May be some minor history, but it comes from her being hyper sensitive (imo!)…She got offended when I remarked about her visiting her parents, yet she failed to see how I would be hurt by the amount of time she and baby spend with HER mom. If you were the grandmother of a baby whose mommy is close to her mom, you would understand the feelings I have on that issue. I actually like her, but I did like her better before the baby.

I only included HER in one photo. It just happened that I had good photos of my husband I and I WITH baby and of my 2 sons WITH the baby. I hadn’t specified which photos when I mentioned collage, but I found those. That’s why I sent her it, I just didn’t expect such a strong response. I can crop baby out of pic of hubby and me, but the one of 2 sons looks a little weird due to facial expressions. Should I email her that I’ll crop out baby from hubby and me photo? Or should I also lose the one of my 2 sons (I really like it, it was a sweet moment). I feel like it would be some compromise to just crop the one…Remember, this is not going to any of her friends or family, so why is she so bothered by it? I wonder if she’d let her mom do it? (though they’d have similar lists)

She never would have known had I not told her! I really liked it and wanted to share. Being honest will bite you sometimes…

Still going to read your responses and TRY to take advice even though I know how I feel. Sometimes it takes a bit to see the other side of things. Thanks!

13

Let them send the card with their new baby this year. I don’t think this is worth making a big deal out of.

14

I can sort of see her point as this is the first time she gets to send a holiday card out with a picture of her family. I also think you should have stuck with only the one picture of the three of them. Honestly, my friends with grown children don’t send these photo cards anymore.

A lot of young parents that I know are very insistent that no pictures of their babies be on Facebook. My niece won’t. They post them all to iCloud and share only with people they invite.

Btw, my sister can’t suggest anything to her D and SIL about grandbaby and neither can the MIL. So my sister and the MIL commiserate together. And they have done some pretty head shaking things - which have my sister and the mil biting their tongues until they bleed.

15

“He is only a few months old but she has quite clearly not liked all of my opinions on certain things, and I am usually able to see her side and let her “win” because she is his mother. I’m not going to go into details, but I think some of it stems from me being the paternal grandmother and feeling a little un-needed. I changed the names in the exchanges I reference below. She is big on the “I am his mother.””

Kindly, gently suggesting that you back out of the advice business for the baby. Your DIL sounds a little prickly/defensive, but it also sounds like you’ve had a number of opinions you’ve shared. There isn’t a win to be had here.

We had au pairs when our D was little, including one trained at an English nanny school. It was remarkable how different some of the approaches were, and yet, babies thrived.

One of the lovely things our pediatrician routinely said at well-baby checkups was, “She is doing so well, and you’re doing such a good job with her.” That was great reinforcement for a new mom.

16

I feel for you. I would be going crazy if I had to deal with that. First thing to do is back off of the advice. She isn’t going to listen anyways. Secondly, quit sharing so much with her. Do not friend her on Facebook and make sure she can’t creep onto your page. I never ask my dd if I can put pictures that I take of my grandson onto Facebook. I don’t share my Christmas card plans with her either. I would lay low for now and let things calm down. Are you on good terms with the other grandma?

17

Ah. I think putting in 3 pix, choosing three, not just one, as discussed, was -maybe- perceived as testing. You’re proud, you want your friends and relatives to see the baby. But she only agreed to one, after she had demurred and you pressed.

Work on the relationship that is. I somehow doubt she wants to hear what you think of her without makeup or how you can crop one photo,or that another will be the dog. She’s a new mom and didn’t want this. You say you’re offended and should be able to do what you want. Um, I’d be inclined to say, “Sorry, I was just excited.” And leave it at one small pic of them with their baby. No further trying to get her approval.

18

Hard to really get a read this without knowing the exchanges that have gone before. It might not be about the photos at all. But I think staking her territory that only she can send picture of the kid in future years is ridiculous. A couple of thoughts:

  • I would never have asked to start with, I just would have done it. And I certainly wouldn't have run a draft by her.
  • If I was going to talk to someone, I'd have talked to my own kid, your son. Why would you ask her instead of him? I'd probably try to take most communications through him going forward. Then if she is a "pill" as someone described above, at least he is hearing it and has a chance to decide if he agrees or not.
19

But OP can always privately send a picture to her friends. The bit about making it a holiday card can be read several ways. Make nice. I just don’t see pressing this- or feeling so bad about it- or how much she visits “HER” parents- as something that builds the future OP seems to want. No one is saying walk on eggshells.

20

OP, I think your DIL is being ridiculous. For heaven’s sake, it’s YOUR Christmas card. I would send what you want of your own grandbaby. My MIL and I do not always agree on things, but she always respected that I was the decider for our kids – and in return, I respected that I shouldn’t abuse the power.

Could be worse. The new parents in my extended family sent out requests that their baby only be gifted items that are environmentally, socially and ethically fairtrade/green…After eyerolling, I remind myself that they are just trying to help, and be clear, and be good parents.