Including pictures of your grandchildren in your Holiday cards??? Grandson's mom says no...

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21

@emilybee, but the people I am sending to are MY friends, whom she doesn’t even know and will probably rarely, if ever, see. So does that mean I am not to share the joy of my grandson with them? That’s the part I can’t get…

@Onward, yes, no more advice or anything like it…I should have just sent them…I am on OK terms with the other grandmom I think. I don’t know if she is telling her her complaints about me or not, so…

@happymom, I have sent a photo or photo collage every year. I told her that I do it and that the last 2 years it’s just been the dog because S1 and S2 don’t like photos taken (neither do hubby or I!). I told her I am so excited to have nice photos of everybody for a change.

@greenwitch, first grandchild for both sides, VERY unplanned and we are lucky it has worked out well. Her mom and I are both excited and want to be involved. I feel like she goes to her mom’s and its “hang out” time, IF they come here, or we go there (more likely) it is a “visit”. I once apparently upset her by some comment I made on breastfeeding. It wasn’t for me, though I did say it is good she is doing it. I don’t know what I said, but she didn’t like it! (S told me) Yes, she is “owning” him, but don’t I have a stake in him too? AND I don’t know if he has even had a bottle at all yet (10 weeks) so nobody can really babysit. As of a week or two ago she still hadn’t really left him with her mom, don’t know if that’s changed.

I think S is going with the flow. He has to live with her, hopefully forever, so whose side would he take? He knows I am usually easy going (although full of advice that he usually pretends to listen to and promptly ignores!) so he knows I won’t make a stink or a scene. I haven’t brought it up with him in case he doesn’t know, I don’t want to cause an argument by him taking my side. I just want to know what is reasonable for a grandparent to do with grand kids photos. I believe that I am a person who is not easily offended and if I am, I get “over it”. I can look at the spirit of what people do even if I don’t like it (like I don’t get how she doesn’t see that I am proud and wanting to brag, she just sees me “taking” her baby) . She seems to be a little more reactive than I am used to.

I feel like I am constantly trying to compliment her. She truly is a great mom and I tell her. I also tell her I am glad S is with her.

Seems like it might be good to tell her, at the least, that I will take baby out of the one of hubby and me. Undecided about the other one.

How should I word it??? “I’ve considered your feelings further and will crop baby out of photo of hubby and me. I would rather not crop him out of the one of daddy and uncle because it won’t look right if you can’t see the reason for their expressions” Anything else I should say, or not say?

I would just drop it, but I’d like to attempt to soothe her (to some degree). I do intend to share him with old friends. I think I’m the first one to be a grandmom and I want to share. I’ve read all about my friends and their kids amazing accomplishments now its my turn to brag!

22

One of my niece/nephews is on the front lines of social media (like first dozen employees of famous you know what program. )Kid has asked everyone to not post any photos of his/her children online.
If the online generation doesn’t want their child’s image out there, I’d pay attention.

23

But it’s a Christmas card, not a tweet or FB post!

OP I would stop with what you will do, and leave out the “rather not” part. And just be short and sweet – I am so happy for the three of you, and don’t want to upset you, I just am very happy and excited, see you soon, and move on to news. Shorter is better.

24

“but the people I am sending to are MY friends, whom she doesn’t even know and will probably rarely, if ever, see. So does that mean I am not to share the joy of my grandson with them? That’s the part I can’t get”

I assume you have some pics of your grandbaby on your phone or scan the ones of baby you were going to put on the card and email your friends with attachment of the pictures.

That’s what everyone I know does now.

25

I am siding with DIL on this one. I remember the joy of sending my first holiday card with my baby on it and I could see how it wouldn’t seem as special if my mother in law was sending one also.

26

Pick a different pic of daddy and uncle.

27

I would think emailing would be worse…a snail mail card will be tossed in January. An email can linger…just my .02

28

She probably does go to her mom’s to hang out. She’s not gong to feel as comfortable hanging out at your house. At this point If that’s an issue you want to bring up, bring it up with your son. He’s the one who wound presumably feel comfortable with casual hanging out at your house. I know I would have been quite annoyed if my MIL had remarked on how much time I spent with my mom

If the baby is only 10 weeks old this is all still pretty new. It will probably get better with time. Back off a bit and let things develop

29

II do think there has been a miscommunication. I don’t think I would offer to crop out the baby. Instead reach out and offer that you weren’t intending to ‘steal their thunder’ (or some similar concept), just that you hoped to share your joy with folks they wouldn’t be sending their own greetings to.

30

In the old days, grandparents had brag books and showed pictures to their friends. I don’t think it was common to give the photos to friends or co-workers, just show them.

In todays social media world, people do post them but NOT without permission. If my own parents had done something I didn’t want them to do, I would have cut them off. My daughter was a preemie and my mother had permission to go to the NICU any time. She brought a person I didn’t want there, and I told her if she did it again I’d revoke her visitation privileges. Lots of little things bothered me and everyone in the world might have thought I was being ridiculous, but I was the mother and I got to make the decisions. I didn’t want people (my sister and mother) saying “Oh, I was there when she opened her eyes. Sorry you missed it” because what I heard was ‘Haha, you missed yet another thing and we got to see it.’

All my siblings agree that my mother is the best Nana, but she still does things against our wishes. Candy! OMG, she cannot listen about the candy. My sister rarely let her kids go places with my parents or stay overnight because she didn’t like how much junk food there was, the bedtimes, how wild it could get.

Maybe the mother has plans about the first picture she wants to introduce her son with, or she wants to tell the great aunts and uncles the news and progress. Or maybe she just wants to keep it all very private.

I’d worry that if you send things out without her knowledge, she’ll just cut you off from future pictures and visits.

31

Obviously I am in the minority, but I am team mom. You have already said, “He is only a few months old but she has quite clearly not liked all of my opinions on certain things, and I am usually able to see her side and let her “win” because she is his mother.”, Why the need to “let her win”? She is his mom.

Grandparents tend to give too much unsolicited advice, about how they did things. Or they tend to take away firsts, like first holiday outfit, first Christmas cards, or ornament. New parents want to be the first to do those things. It wouldve been incredibly rude to send out the pics without asking. I dont have grandkids yet, but if my kids dont want their pics plastered online, then I wont do it. I had my chance to raise them, now its their turn to make the rules, whether I agree or not.

32

OP, I sure see where your DIL is coming from. By my count, so far in the child’s short life, you: 1)made a remark about breastfeeding, which is “not for you” such that it offended your DIL, 2)remarked about the time she spends with HER parents, instead of with her IN-LAWS, and decided for yourself how many baby pictures of HER baby to send, completely different from what you said you would do, knowing she wasn’t comfortable with you using ANY.

Instead of sounding like a “pill” she sounds like a new mother desperately trying to be heard by a MIL who runs roughshod over her and doesn’t get why she prefers to spend time with her own mother. You’ve already apparently insulted her feeding choice and are whining about “your” baby time vs. her mother’s baby time, and now you want to ignore what she asked about the photos. Whew-no wonder she’s irritated.

You said this in one of your posts: "Yes, she is “owning” him, but don’t I have a stake in him too? "

Uh, no. The baby is your grandchild, not YOUR child, and you have NO STAKE in him. He “belongs” to your S and DIL. I loved my parents, and went to my OWN mother for advice often in the first couple of months after I had my first child. And if I wasn’t visiting, I was calling her. BUT, as much as I valued her advice, the final decisions were MINE and my (now) ex’s. Neither my mom or my MIL ever tried to “own” or “have a stake in” my children. They loved them, babysat for them, took them places, gave them treats and taught them many things. But not once, ever, did they assert that they had a “stake” in them. I can only hope that if my kids ever have children of their own, I will be that gracious.

33

I am also in the minority here, but I am also team mom. I think that she has every right to ask not to include the baby in the collage card. It definitely sounds like their are some underlying issues including boundary issues involved here. By some of the other comments, sounds like she may not feel as welcomed into the family as you believe she is . Multiple pictures of everyone else in the family , including her child, yet only one of her included.

I’ve been on the receiving end of “family pictures” including my husband and my son only, and it’s alienating. I’d also not be quick to blame only the DIL for not wanting the baby on the card. Many times in laws are blamed when it’s a decision made by both parents.

34

You already raised your own babies. She gets to raise hers. This is her right. I am so sorry for your pain.

Breastfeeding moms needs lots of positive support. Asking about bottles (and I don’t know that you did) or wondering when mom will leave baby with you is probably not positive support at this time. If she is nursing, her baby is really attached to her and probably not going to be shared for a while. Again, I am sorry this is so difficult for you.

35

Totally agree with above. NO you have no stake here. I hear passive aggressive in your posts and am having angry flashbacks towards my mil when my babies were born. I did nothing right- breast fed wrong, dressed them wrong, put them for naps wrong, let others hold them too long,etc etc. i could go on and on. MIL had LOTS of ‘only trying to help’ advice. Then she would speak to my sister in law in her native tongue when she didn’t want me to understand. You better believe I was more relaxed visiting my own mom.

36

OP, just out of curiosity, are your son and your grandchild’s mother married? If so, why would you refer to her as the grandchild’s mother instead of daughter in law? You say it was very unexpected and that your son is the one that has to live with her" hopefully forever" . Is that why you feel that you need to “stake” your claim? Your post sounds disapproving of the baby’s mother. Is there a chance that she is feeling that too?

37

Do you want to win at collaging the baby into your Christmas card and thus likely guarantee a luke warm relationship for years to come?

Sounds like you are on your way there already based on your comments about breastfeeding, having a stake, and counting the minutes spent at your house compared to her mom’s house.

38

“I don’t know if she is telling her her complaints about me or not, so…”
Assume yes.

Good for your DIL for breastfeeding. Endless benefits for your grandson. There will be plenty of time for you to babysit in years to come.

You’re smart not to put your son in the middle. That’s not a fun place to be. Hearing more details, I think you should relax and back off a little. The baby is still so new. You don’t want a wedge between you and your DIL. My own MIL has always been very critical of me and it has affected her relationship with my kids and me. I’m not rude but fairly indifferent and I have found I handle her better when I create emotional distance and let my husband deal with her for the most part. As a result, she’s had less time with my kids over the years, less photos of the kids, etc. Don’t put yourself into that kind of scenario.

At this juncture, I’d leave discussions about the Christmas card alone. Include the photos or not, but continuing conversations about it will just stir the pot.

39

Breastfeeding is a bit of a tricky issue. It’s better for both Mom and baby, but it could mean that the baby never learns to take a bottle and then the Mom is stuck, for months, being the only source of food.

On the other hand if a baby gets a bottle too early, s/he can develop “nipple confusion” and not be able to establish breastfeeding. That’s the problem I ran into with my twins, who were given bottles in the hospital because they were 6 weeks early. I had no experience, and no experienced breast feeding moms around to advise me. It was only my stubborn nature that made me stick it out and establish breast feeding with my twins. It did not help at all to hear, "but you’re so exhausted… (let me bottle feed her), or, you need a break… (let me bottle feed her). Ugh! Don’t be “helpful” this way! Offer to burp the baby instead.

40

“I would think emailing would be worse…a snail mail card will be tossed in January. An email can linger…
just my .02”

Lingering in someone’s inbox isn’t sharing it with the world on the Internet. Plus, most people delete their email and I can’t imagine having any hacker interested in a picture of a random baby.

My friends share lots of cute pictures of their grand babies in emails all the time. I respond with “adorable” and then delete it. I certainly don’t save any of the pictures.