Oh my, I don’t have time yet to read all the replies but I will. Meanwhile, I wrote a rough draft of what my “card” will say. It’s a mini-newsletter of sorts. I have written these before, some longer, but I don’t like the ones that go on and on. I am going to post it here and ask if I should send it to her. I would send it to show her that I am sending the card from us and not her, and that it is not all just about them, hopefully she will get a better understanding of what I am doing.
Dear friends and family,
As they say “another year has gone by” and what a year it was for our family. My parents finally moved into an “active adult” community that is close to our home and my brother’s. It’s great to be so close to them. Hubby’s mom came for a nice long visit and we enjoyed having her. By the time you get this S2 will have graduated from xyz University with a degree in business. The biggest change was that we became grandparents and S2 became an Uncle! S1 and “her name” welcomed baby baby. We are so proud! They are great parents and he is adorable. All these events made 2015 amazing! We wish you all much happiness and joy! Merry Christmas!
Love, me, hubby, S2 and dog.
You mention that you are “full of advice” that your son ignores. This is a huge red flag to me. It is going to be tough, but you need to stop NOW on giving any advice to either of them unless they specifically ask for it. Your son is an adult now. If you haven’t imparted something to him by by now, it is too late. And I suspect you are making your DIL crazy. You need to examine every word coming out of your mouth to them to try to change this behavior pattern.
OP, your note for the Christmas card is great! But you don’t need to get the grandson’s mom approval on this. Just lie low and stop emailing her about this topic.
No, you don’t need to send her the draft. She’s a new mom, a very new mom, tired and busy. Let her focus on her child and your son. You don’t need to show her anything, prove anything, rehash anything, re-insert this issue into her day- and you won’t win points if you do. But I do feel the agreed one pic is enough. Breathe.
I’d recommend NOT running your Christmas card wording or anything else about the Christmas card by her. It’s too much “chatter” about the Christmas card. If I was a new mother, I’d have other things to attend to than reading and answering emails from my MIL about her Christmas card. Just let it go at this point. She gave you an ok - even if it was not enthusiastic. Let it drop.
It sounds like you and your DIL are involved in a bit of a turf war. It happened with me and my MIL, whom I now adore and am quite close to, when DH and I were first married. We both had our own ways of doing things and we were both a bit stubborn. She had more experience, but I was the wife, so I think it was hard for both of us to defer to the other. After a while we both mellowed and we now have a great relationship. My advice would be that before you make any comments or offer advice you ask yourself two questions:
Will this make my DIL feel like a good, competent wife and mother? and
Will what I say be good for my long term relationship with my DIL?
If the answer to either question is no, as hard as it is to do, I would urge you to hold your tongue. Once your DIL feels secure in her own abilities and sure that you believe in and support her she will be more likely to ask you for advice.
As to the photo-one of the possibilities is that DIL doesn’t like how she or the baby looks in your photos. She’s probably carefully selected the picture she plans to send out, and particularly because it will be the first many people will see of the baby she wants to ensure he’s looking his best.,
Every year I have to run my choice for our Christmas photo by all of my kids, because no matter how great I think everyone looks invariably someone thinks they look terrible in the photo. Often the picture they prefer looks worse to me but it’s important for my teenagers to have control over the image that goes out. I know I hate it when someone disseminates a picture of me in which I think I look unattractive.
The text sounds great and I’m sure she’d be happy with it. I wouldn’t create more drama by consulting her about it.
Haven’t you posted about a situation with your DIL and the baby before? There’s more going on here.
Like busyparent, I am having flashbacks to my own overbearing MIL. I’m sure she thought she was well-meaning, but we had our first post-baby fight while I was still in the hospital with her well-meaning advice on what I should be eating. Stop offering unsolicited advice. I think your DIL is setting boundaries because you’ve overstepped once too often. Personally, I can’t see being so hyper about photos in a Christmas card, but for whatever reason she is so BACK OFF. I don’t think she’d be so sensitive if this weren’t part of a pattern.
Also, I don’t like it when mothers blame the DIL for things. I assume their sons are adults and able to speak for themselves.
I wouldn’t say anything about cropping the baby out of the picture. That makes you sound like you are trying to make her sound unreasonable, and will almost certainly lead to further escalation.
She’s okay’d the card as-is. Just send it without escalating the drama further.
I think she sounds ridiculous regarding the pictures, but we are hearing your side only. It sounds like quite a bit of hostility has built up. I would tread very lightly.
Since you asked for opinions, I think you were way out of line in commenting about the amount of time your DIL spends with her own mother. It is her mother! You are not her mother! Why would you expect her to want to spend equal time with you? Really, your saying that to her sounds quite unreasonable to me!
Also, it sounds like you may be crowding the couple and imposing on them in a very delicate time in their relationship. You stressed that the baby waa VERY unplanned. Maybe the parents just need a little breathing room to cement their rekationship. You may not know – and certainly are not entitled to know – the stresses that their relationship are subjected to at the present time. You certainly don’t want to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I’d send the card, and then back off on the guilt-tripping. Most people do NOT react well to guilt-tripping, which the cropping comment seems designed to induce.
“The mother of my grandson apparently has very strong opinions on some things concerning her and my son’s new baby. He is only a few months old but she has quite clearly not liked all of my opinions on certain things, and I am usually able to see her side and let her “win” because she is his mother. I’m not going to go into details, but I think some of it stems from me being the paternal grandmother and feeling a little un-needed.”
She’s entitled to have strong opinions - it’s her baby. Ubless what she is doing is unsafe (such as not using a car seat), I would not be offering advice no matter how lovingly meant. I’m unsure how you are “letting” her win. And yes, as the paternal grandmother you are un-needed. She wants her own mother. I understand that. I had a really rough situation with premies and when my first one came home, my mother came up and stayed for a week to help with the house and help me. My ILs lived nearby but they wisely backed off. I would have been a hormonal mess if my MiL had also started giving advice. Do you remember how insecure you felt as a brand new mom? And while it seems silly now I can absolutely see how she wants to “introduce” her new family on her own. I would have felt the same way.
I think your job is to offer to be respite if she needs a break but I would not play “you spend more time with your mother than me and I’m second fiddle.” It’s not a contest!
“Yes, she is “owning” him, but don’t I have a stake in him too? AND I don’t know if he has even had a bottle at all yet (10 weeks) so nobody can really babysit. As of a week or two ago she still hadn’t really left him with her mom, don’t know if that’s changed.”
That’s her business / prerogative. And you may not get a “notification” if and when he gets a bottle or she leaves him with mom. I sense you’re chomping at the bit to babysit, which is laudable, but it’s really her decision how and when to enable that. All you can do is say “I’m happy to babysit if you need a respite, just call” but I would not push her to offer a bottle, etc so you can facilitate that.
“am going to post it here and ask if I should send it to her. I would send it to show her that I am sending the card from us and not her, and that it is not all just about them, hopefully she will get a better understanding of what I am doing.”
It seems to me that you want to convince her that you are right in hopes that she will say - oh you’re right. It’s just a card! Go ahead!
But she’s already TOLD you how she feels. She feels hurt that in her mind, you are usurping her brand-new-mother-first-experience of “introducing” baby. She’s already told you that this time, she’ll “grandfather you in” (ha!) because baby is so new, but she really wants to “own” her own little family. She’s made it clear to you. This is about emotions. She feels what she feels; she is not suddenly going to “see it your way” and trying to get her to do so is implicitly saying - your feelings are wrong and my feelings count more.
IIRC, the last time that you posted had to do with when she was in labor and you wanted to be there at the hospital and not miss a thing. Some of us gently suggested that this was her moment / their moment as a little family and that a better solution might be to wait until informed and then come to the hospital unless instructed otherwise.
You sound like a very loving person, but very extroverted in your displays of love and that can be draining for introverts. It also seems as though you spend a lot of effort worrying about what the other grandmother gets and keeping score. Please trust me, that benefits no one.
OP, maybe be careful with the complimenting. If you don’t mean it, it will sound forced and insincere. My mom does this. Now, I love my mom, but she is queen of the backhanded compliment, especially to her DIL’s. I’m not sure she even knows she is doing it, but it can be hard to spend time with her because of it. I finally started responding to her this way: She will say some comment or compliment including a subtle negative. I immediately say “I thought you liked SIL?” She responds with a shocked “Of course I do!” Then I’ll say, “Oh, sorry, it sounded like you were criticizing her”. My mom no longer discusses the SILs with me ;)). It’s a win/win.
@Patsam , judging by your comments here and in your previous thread on the day of your grandson’s birth, it would seem that you are very clearly overstepping boundaries and offering unsolicited advice. I urged you in that previous thread to take a step back and understand that being a grandma is a longterm joy and your early actions can jeopardize that. I, again, am offering that same advice. You will never win a competition with your daughter in law’s mother and in continuing to try to do so, you will only alienate your DIL.
The MIL/Grandparent rule IMO: “First, do no harm.”
I am a new grandparent (first grandchild on both sides) and got good advice from my friends who are more experienced grandparents:
“Keep mouth shut as much as possible, and try only to be supportive of the parents. Give advice only when asked, and then very carefully.”
The parents are in charge. Great that you are thrilled about this grandchild, but it does not give you any “rights” re the baby. The only exception would be if there is a matter of child neglect or abuse, clearly not an issue here.
On the other hand, I think your text for your holiday card is GREAT, and I would be inclined to share it with your DIL and son, because how could they not be delighted to read “They are great parents and he is adorable” etc.?
Plus the mention of news re other family members does demonstrate that this is not all about them or their baby. Really, I think you did a lovely job with the text.
Re the pics, I might ask DIL if she and son have a family picture they would prefer you use. You might also offer to defer sending your cards until theirs are out, so you would not be “stealing their thunder” re introducing the baby. After all, isn’t there any overlap in your lists, since they may have connected with some of your extended family/friends?
This situation has inspired me to have a substantial talk with D and son-in-law re their guidelines for publicizing my grandchild. I generally do a holiday letter with pics. (They have so far OK’ed some Facebook pics.)
Enjoy the wonderful, positive aspects and don’t get into a competition re the other grandma. Be your best self. It may take time to pay off, but focus on the long term.
Best wishes! Do continue to keep us posted re how things are going.
Did you have a good relationship with her before the baby? How long have she and your son been together? How solid/stable is their relationship? I agree that you , with the best of intentions, probably over shared and really didn’t want to hand over the control of your card to her. You are excided about the addition(s) to your family and want to share. I get it. Totally. And in an attempt to be inclusive, you may have overcommunicated. I totally get that too.
But she is throwing up barriers and wanting to tell you what you can and canot include. Now you are stuck, because you asked for her input/opinion and now you kinda don’t want to use it. Its a sticcky place to be. So for one I would stop communicating with her about your card. If anything, just thank her for her input or suggestions. But no more discussing it. Modify your photos a but to comply with what you agreed to, and be sensitive to her feelings, but its your card. That said, think of the short and long term consequences. Good luck!! I say this as I think about our holiday card with having acquired a new dau in law this year.
I have a close friend who isn’t yet a grandmother, but some of her very best friends have recently become grandmothers and, because my friend is retired, she has been available to go help out brand new moms she has known since their own birth. When they ask for help. And she loves doing this. One of these young women has twins and although she and partner had generous maternity leaves and can afford paid help, they wanted help from those they knew very well already while they were home, and the grandmamas and the grandmamas’ friends took turns going to stay for many months. When my friend came back from her two week turn, she was kind of bummed. “They just took the babies to their room and shut the door, and wanted me to shop and cook and clean. I barely got to hold babies at all,” And then she laughed, because she did understand. I can remember how she felt when her first baby was born and how differently she felt when her last baby was born. I imagine in the minds of the young mothers my friend was helping out, that they were sharing those babies a whole lot with their moms and all their moms’ friends.
My good buddy down the road is taking care of her new grandbaby now her DIL has gone back to work. She is a farmer and strapped her own baby on her chest 30 something years ago and just went on about her chores. She very seriously told me she is looking forward to when she is allowed to do that with her grandbaby because other family members are taking care of her farm chores. She says this in a hushed voice and really isn’t complaining. She told me this to explain why she hasn’t been by to visit, like she usually does. She isn’t supposed to take the baby out of the house. She is pretty clear she wants to take care of the baby and the mama gets to set the ground rules She also feels really fortunate her grandbaby lives next door, in the house she and husband built for son and DIL. She wants to keep her family really close. I really admire her attitude. I am sure she is feeling incredibly housebound after four months.
I just hope I don’t lose my mind when I become a grandmother like I did when I became a mother. Probably I will.
My MIL was (and is) incredibly indifferent to her grandkids (no pictures of them anywhere, and they are the only grandkids, they have only stayed over her house maybe 4 times in 16 years), so I totally appreciate how involved you are trying to be. I think it’s awesome.
However, your DIL reminds me of my MIL (very territorial, very controlling, very apt to take every word you say the worst way it can be taken, never lets imagined slights go), and I don’t think it’s a game you can win with your DIL if you challenge her at all on anything.
We just appreciate what is able to be given, try and hide our hurt hearts as best as we can, and grump on anonymous internet boards because I wish we had better inlaws (on both sides). I have not found a way to fix it; you just try to tolerate it as best as you can and not set yourself up for situations where she can hurt you. (I have a picture of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football on my bulletin board to remind myself).
I was a mom like your DIL in my earlier years. First, about the breastfeeding/not babysitting. Those of us who decide to exclusively breastfeed often do not give bottles. Most of the women I know in my breastfeeding group never gave bottles that early and there was no babysitting because mom and baby were not separated. The fact that you mentioned that her mom hasn’t babysat either tells me that she has decided not to separate from her baby yet. Respect that and take it as a sign of what kind of mother she will be. I almost never had my children babysat. I had to return to work, but my husband and I never went out at night, ever, as a matter of a personal commitment we made to the kind of parents we would be. I also get why she would think you are overstepping about the holiday card. It kind of was, but from a good place. I wouldn’t have appreciated that at all.
That said. While I wouldn’t have appreciated the overstepping at the time, as years passed and I gained in wisdom, I came to realize that none of those small things would ever be remembered by anyone and only mattered in how they impacted the totality of the relationship. What I couldn’t have understood then was that my in-laws would be gone much too soon and, in fact, my youngest has no memory of them at all. Which is never what I would have wanted. I didn’t understand the great blessing that they were and would have been to my kids, and how precious the few memories they have are. I was very insecure as a new mom and was afraid that if I didn’t do everything my way I wasn’t really the mom and wouldn’t be raising the kids according to my principles. Of course that was ridiculous, but I had to grow as a mom to see that. I suspect your DIL is the same way, and I suggest you give her time and let her grow into her role. But what you shouldn’t do is ever try to undermine her foundational principles, such as the decision to breastfeed, or anything else she is deeply committed to.
I would also suggest that you continue to communicate with your DIL at least as much as with your son where the baby is concerned. If you try to cut the baby’s mother out of decision making for her child, you will find yourself frozen out of a relationship with your grandbaby. It’s fine to communicate with your son, as well, but not to go around your daughter-in-law to him. Your son will not appreciate that, either.
Yikes. Almost any time I read an In law story, I grow even more appreciative of my Inlaws. Mine would never think to send photos of my children to people I don’t know. It would be weird to me to know there are photos on my children hanging on strangers walls. I’m somewhat shocked that so many adults here recommended something sneaky and immature like not asking permission and making sure your FB is private so you can post things you know she wouldn’t approve of.
I only once ever heard something remotely considered criticism from an in law about my breastfeeding. My younger child was about a year old and I had gone into a quiet room to nurse her. My FIL asked my husband how much longer I was going to be breastfeeding and my awesome MIL cut him off and said I should nurse as long as I wanted to. I loved her more than I ever thought possible at that moment. I can’t recall a time in the last 15 years of motherhood that I have felt like she was criticizing or negatively judging my decisions as a parent. The result of that is that I also trust her judgement. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave my children (or my dog) with her.
Just let it go at this point. She gave you an ok - even if it was not enthusiastic. Let it drop.