<p>I'm waiting about two weeks before I head off to college and today I realized that a lot of the things I wanted to do by myself in college my parents wouldn't exactly approve of/feel comfortable with (like going to SF since my college is a BART ride away, taking a hike with my floormates, or something of the sort). I'm not thinking about parties and drinking, but just in general I want to explore a little on my own. Like a lot of students out there, my parents are, and even admit to being, very overprotective. </p>
<p>While I do admit that I understand their concerns, their fears, and their worries, I don't exactly want to live under my parents rule forever. Perhaps I feel a little uncomfortable doing things my way because they've been watching me all my life. I don't want to make them worry but then again I also want to decide for myself and not always ask them what I should and shouldn't do. I really do want to slowly learn to become independent, even if it is just being away at college. </p>
<p>Has anyone had a situation sorta like this? Do you guys have any advice?</p>
<p>@ucbalumnus Well, I know it seems petty but they worry about who I’m with and tend to revert of “what ifs”, thinking of the worst possible scenarios.</p>
<p>Ah maybe I just need to get used to not worrying about my parents worries so much, haha. </p>
<p>I’m surprised that they let you live anywhere other than their house (commuting to a local school) for college, if they are so concerned about people you are with in college. The other people in the dorm are going to be there regardless of whether you visit San Francisco or go hiking with them. Indeed, some of the kinds of things that parents have legitimate reason to worry about happen on campus or near campus (e.g. going to a fraternity party and getting heavily drunk (possibly with spiked drinks, or just due to inexperience with alcohol) and then becoming a victim of a crime like rape, or having questionably consensual sex that one regrets later).</p>
<p>But honestly, a big part of college is being your own person, exploring your own interests, and finding out who you really are. These are things that your parents have likely shielded you from during HS, and it’s important that you push that shield to the side and start living your own life now that you are an adult. Your parents are just trying to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap that many college students fall into and potentially hurt your career opportunities. They mean well, but unfortunately, over-protectiveness has its bounds, and at some point, that over-protectiveness backfires as kids become increasingly frustrated by not being able to live their own lives.</p>
<p>I think you should be respectful, but firm with them and tell them what you’re planning to do. As long as it’s nothing terribly risky, take confidence in knowing that you’re living a normal healthy life, and just have fun with it. Eventually, as you keep exploring things on your own, you will become more comfortable with the real world, which is ultimately very important to living in it. </p>
<p>Another thing you could do is say you went with a school club…maybe they would think it is more “supervised”…other than that…Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.</p>
<p>Just don’t say anything to them. I definitely don’t advocate actively lying to your parents, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them, provided you’re safe.</p>
<p>That said, my parents were also pretty overprotective at first and one of the things that helped them to trust me was the fact that I would tell them about stuff if they asked. They eventually realized that I would tell them pretty quickly on my own if something happened that they should know about, and now don’t ask.</p>
<p>Another vote for “no need to tell them”. If they ask, tell them you are hanging out with friends (true if you are hiking or going to SF with them). Then switch subject to something about your classes or a club/activity you are involved with on campus. :)</p>
<p>After “not approve of/feel comfortable with”, I thought you were going to say “moving in with my boyfriend” not “taking a hike with friends”. I laughed. It’s not your imagination. Your parents are overly protective. Just go ahead and do those things. Don’t rub it in their face, but if they ask, don’t lie. Do they really expect you to be an adult who’s afraid to take public transportation, visit a large city, or go on a hike? My daughter, your age, did exactly those things this summer. And yes, I know there are bad things that could happen but at some point you need to learn to manage on your own. You could also die crossing the street by yourself. Are they going to come to campus and hold your hand?</p>
<p>I understand you! Your parents sound exactly like mine! Mine were always overprotective and still are kinda. Even though I moved away for college. (In the Bay Area as well. High five! lol.) </p>
<p>Anyways, I always feel weird when I do something in college that my parents wouldn’t like. Often I just don’t do it! lol. I don’t know how to get passed that bad feeling either.</p>
<p>Just do what you want. You are an adult now and as long as you aren’t doing dangerous and risky things(like life threatening) then they shouldn’t have a say in what you do. You can’t let your parents control your life forever. My parents were really good about teaching me to think for myself and to make my own choices. They have always trusted me and respect my choices, I’m certainly thankful to them for that. I hope that you will have the courage to make your own choices.</p>
<p>Just do what you want to do. My ex roommate sounded a lot like you. She needed or wanted her mothers approval for everything. Think about this, what will your parents do? Realistically, maybe you’ll get into an argument over the phone, but that’s really not a big deal. My parents were always relaxed and never over protective by any means and I still did things they wouldn’t necessarily approve of, like go to the city at 2 am, drink, get a piercing, and I will probably continue to do things they will not like for example, going to a diner at 3 am, spending the night with a guy, driving to Virginia and getting a tattoo, but they’ll get over it, or they won’t know. </p>
<p>Runninggrl said it perfectly, have the courage to make your own decisions, you are an adult now. Surely they did not “allow” you to go away for college with the assumption that you wouldn’t want to make your own memories. </p>
<p>As a side note though, be sure you always tell someone where you will be, in case, god forbid something were to happen, someone will have an idea of where they can find or contact you. </p>
<p>I think I would tell your parents a few of the things you’re doing . . . maybe after you do them so they can see you came back alive! I mean, they can’t stop you from taking BART to SF, or going on a hike, so how exactly would telling them make a difference? Unless you think it would make them constantly call you or text you to make sure you weren’t leaving campus or something like that.</p>
<p>The reason I would suggest telling them about at least a few of these hikes and day trips is so that they’ll have time to get used to the idea and hopefully, eventually will accept that you are doing this stuff. Leaving them in blissful ignorance seems like it might be a recipe for them to have the exact same expectations of you next year, and the year after – and maybe eventually that you’ll move back home after college and have a curfew and always tell them where you’re going. They’re going to have to learn to let go eventually . . . maybe doing it gradually now is easier than abruptly some day when you tell them you’re going to Kenya for the summer to live in a hut without electricity or something.</p>
<p>Unless your parents explicitly say “do NOT take the BART to SF” or “NO hikes in the woods,” there should be no reason to ask.
I’m about to go to a foreign country which is technically a war zone right now and spend a year. My parents sat me down and gave me a few ground rules about what I can and can’t do. (No bars especially when I’m underage [I’m not 18, this country’s alcohol age], don’t go to certain parts of the country, don’t go out of the city without a friend, listen to the program directors… stuff like that.) Everything else, so far as they’re concerned, is my problem, even if they’d thing that it was dangerous and be hesitant if I told them in advance. I know that if I tell them before that I’m going to the beach for the weekend then they’ll think that I’ll get mugged and that if I tell them afterward then they’ll be thrilled that I’m taking advantage of the opportunity to have a great time. </p>
<p>I don’t ask my parents to do anything unless it costs a significant amount of money. Just do it, and if it comes up somehow, which it probably won’t, then don’t make it a big deal. They seriously have no say in what you’re doing, as long as it’s not anything illegal or something like flunking out.</p>
<p>I too am an overprotective parent. I work in Criminal Justice so I know how bad people really are. But really, this is going too far. I just tell my daughter to be safe. Don’t go anywhere alone late at night. If you go to a party with someone, you leave with them - no one gets left behind. Don’t drink to the point that you are not self aware (though my D does not drink and I am no way telling her not too). I even had to fight her dad to allow her to go to beach week alone. He thought masked men were going to steal her away.</p>
<p>Do I worry about her? Yes. Do I have visions of Natalie Holloway? Yes. Do I wish I knew where she was every minute of the day? Yes. Just kidding. Not really. I have to let her grow up. I agree with the other posters, just do what you do when you want to. Be safe and don’t put yourself in bad positions. But you gotta grow up. How can your parents possibly know where you are every minute? The reality is, they can’t. Be responsible and go for it.</p>
<p>I do however, ask my daughter to tell me if she is leaving campus. In today’s day and time, I just want to have an idea of where she is. Therefore, if some emergency is happening at her college (i.e. active shooter, earthquake, bombing) and she’s hundreds of miles away, it would be nice to know that she is not on campus and I won’t be freaking out thinking she’s in the middle of it all. A simple, “mom I’m going to Cambridge for the weekend” is good for me. Then, if something happens there, I’m not clueless. And, with everything that is going on in the world, these are not unreasonable requests.</p>
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