<p>Many people believe being average is mediocre, therefore it is nothing to be proud of. Anyone can be average, and everyone can be normal. However, sometimes if we look closely enough average is something to be proud of. I come from a normal middle class suburban home. I am as average as it gets from the white picket fence around my house to the freezer with vanilla ice-cream. I have a mother and a father who provided me with this ordinary life, they never pushed me to be anything great. They truly believed mediocrity was okay, and I never understood why. Talking about my parents being immigrants from Taiwan is the typical story, as well as talking about their struggles. It is true when they first came to this country they had very little, and they both worked hard to buy a home and be a part of a middle class community. However, if I did not grow up from this average family I do not think I would have realized the importance or have the desire to go to a University.
I aspire to be more than average, because I grew up in average but my heart always wanted more. I was never ashamed of who I was or where I came from. Just because I did not have all the things Ive ever wanted did not make me resent being average. Instead it gave me a purpose, it was my motivation to create a better future for myself. Greatness does not happen over night it is a work in progress, so I set out to make my dreams come true. I knew that as long as I lived a stable life my family would be proud because that is more than what they had growing up. I wanted to achieve greatness, starting with gaining independence. I never lost sight of the family I came from however I learned not to be as co-dependent. I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York. I traveled to different countries in Europe like France, Greece, England, and Italy to become more cultured. I learned there is so much more in this world than what we see on a daily basis.
I want to be apart of that world, I want to know more and grow more. Sometimes I would feel as though I wanted to be a thousand places at once. The only place in the entire world that could have that same feeling would be at a University. There are people from average families from different parts of the world. They bring their culture, and life style, they bring more. When all the different people in the world are placed together they make something extraordinary. Without having grown up in such an average family I would never have felt the desire to go out there, and see that there is more to life.</p>
<ul>
<li>a part, not apart</li>
</ul>
<p>It’s better, but keep on revising it. You still have the whole summer and a few months to spare so you dont have to kill yourself over it</p>
<p>revised
Many people believe being average is mediocre, therefore it is nothing to be proud of. Anyone can be average, and everyone can be normal. However, sometimes if we look closely enough average is something to be proud of. I come from a normal middle class suburban home. I am as average as it gets from the white picket fence around my house to the freezer with vanilla ice-cream. I have a mother and a father who provided me with this ordinary life, they never pushed me to be anything great. They truly believed mediocrity was okay, and I never understood why. Talking about my parents being immigrants from Taiwan is the typical story, as well as talking about their struggles. It is true when they first came to this country they had very little, and they both worked hard to buy a home and be a part of a middle class community. However, if I did not grow up from this average family I do not think I would have realized the importance or have the desire to go to a University.
I aspire to be more than average, because I grew up in average but my heart always wanted more. I knew that as long as I lived a stable life my family would be proud because that is more than what they had growing up. I wanted to achieve greatness, starting with gaining independence. I never lost sight of the family I came from however I learned not to be as co-dependent. I took trips from coast to coast to see different life styles and different mind sets. I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York. Somewhere inside me I knew I had wished I had been part of that world. The experience I opened my eyes to a world where every person truly believed time was money. Living in California almost made me believe everywhere was easy going, with beaches and sunshine. However, going to the opposite coast made me realize everywhere in the world someone may have the same circumstances but their life is completely different. What we think is normal like sunshine, and beaches they think are different and rare. I learned there is so much more in this world than what we see on a daily basis.
Sometimes I would feel as though I wanted to be a thousand places at once. The only place in the entire world that could have that same feeling would be at a University. There are people from average families from different parts of the world. They bring their culture, and life style, they bring more. When all the different people in the world are placed together they make something extraordinary. Without having grown up in such an average family I would never have felt the desire to go out there, and see that there is more to life.</p>
<p>sorry to be a harsh cirtique here but i guess you are better off with a better essay and some criticism than without. </p>
<p>intro: too pessimistic, impersonal and didnt make me want to continue reading the essay, i was thinking to myself it was a struggle to continue and where is it going, i couldnt hint where it was going and not in a good way.</p>
<p>university is not to be used with an uppercase u unless it is in a name such as Princeton University.</p>
<p>you dont want to include this sentence, really, you dont: I learned that growing up in California in general gave me a more laid back sense than someone born in the heart of New York. - change it or delete it, or add some more to it.</p>
<p>absolute extremes like these are seldomly appreaciated: world where every person truly believed time was money - change it to almost every, or a majority, but certainly not every.</p>
<p>“What we think is normal like sunshine, and beaches they think are different and rare. I learned there is so much more in this world than what we see on a daily basis.” - change this sentence to: While Californians are used to sunny days and going to the beach, New Yorkers seldomly have going to the beach scheduled in their calendars; what is normal to Californians like myself is, on the other hand, rare and exotic for most New Yorkers. I have learned that there are many more things to see and experience in the world than I could fit in a day.</p>
<p>your strongest part of your essay was when it all came together in your wish to study and live in a university community and why.</p>
<p>why describe a feeling as something else when it is perfectly good just stating the feeling:
Sometimes I would feel as though I wanted to be a thousand places at once =
Sometimes I felt I wanted to be at a thousand places at once. (dont forget the at, did you want to be the places themselves or be at them?)</p>
<p>The only place in the entire world that could have that same feeling would be at a University.</p>
<p>again, dont use absolute extremes, say one of the few places in the world, and dont use uppercase u.</p>
<p>in stead of “culture and life styles” use something that sounds better: “culture and life experiences”, or just “culture and experiences”</p>
<p>“When all the different people in the world are placed together they make something extraordinary.”</p>
<p>change to: When people from around the world are placed together in the same college community they contribute in making something unique and extraordinary.</p>
<p>all in all i wouldnt consider your essay to be too compelling in winning the admissions essay game. it is not bad, but you need to stand out. even if you revised this many times and made it flow well i still think you could choose a better approach to convey your message of why you want to study at a university. also, i didnt see the connection between averageness and a place with people from around the world. as a reader i enyojed reading the “people around the world” part more than the “my family is average, it is ok to be average, i want to be better”.</p>
<p>thanks i tried again
Growing up I lived in two parts of the world, giving me two entirely different experiences. I spent the school year in California with the radiating sun, and cool beaches. Then I spent winter, spring, and summer vacation in New York with the harsh winds and heavy downpour. The time I spent in California I lived in a small community, and went to a small school with a graduating class of about 473 students. Then every break, I went off to the Big Apple with lots of noise, and definitely more than 473 people. I always felt lucky that I grew up knowing two completely different ways of life, and I could pick which one I wanted for myself in the future. I could never really choose which coast I liked more. I used to tell myself California was more fun and easy going because of the beaches, and big sports teams; while New York was more culture because they had Broadway, and Fashion Week. I soon realized this was not so because both coasts just took a different approach to culture and life styles.
After my freshman year of high school I was off for summer vacation, I had already packed my bags for New York a week in advance so we were off to the airport. My mother asked me a question that I had to think long and hard about as we were crossing the terminal. She asked what I wanted to do after high school, at the time I was so over whelmed by that statement I froze up. I never gave her an answer until the end of that summer because I did not even know the answer. I spent that summer “soul searching” I guess, I tried to find all my favorite things about New York and why. I liked the fact that all around me there were large buildings, and people on their blackberry’s. It sounds strange to like that, but I did I did not see things like that where I was from in California. All those people with their blackberry’s heading towards those large buildings or small restaurants made it look like they had a sense of purpose, they were not just wandering around like I was. I liked how Time Square defined the entire city in one space, it made me want to have a single place that gave me a sense of who I was. I liked how they put an art gallery right next to a boutique, it showed me culture and enjoyment can mix together.
So at the end of the summer I was ready to give my mother an answer, I told her when high school was over I wanted to go somewhere that had both coasts put into one coast. Then I thought about it until we landed back in LAX, and I said a place with two coasts is a university and that is where I aspire to go. A university not only has both coasts but both sides of every country in the world. That is where I wanted to go, that summer is when I realized it was the right choice for me.</p>
<p>oh boy. seeing how you also made another topic of the same essay and this is the 2nd topic with the end result of the previous topic’s feedback and seeing how you progressed even further i think you should stop and think what you want to write about. your first essay is not even close to this last one. what is the prompt may i ask? and what do you want to write about? decide that first, before writing anything like this and then revise. dont start off with something and revise and revise until you end up with 5 different stories to tell depending on what version one reads.</p>