Parents who speak with their kids often are not necessary living vicariously through their kids. Most of us are actually quite busy and have a full life. My kids are very independent and self supporting. I still speak to D1 few times a week because we enjoy it.
Everyone is different and every family’s dynamic is different. What matters is what works for you. If you feel it is too often then you need to find what’s the right balance.
Letting go of your child, dropping them off at college for the first time, is such a huge transition for parents. And if it is their first child leaving their nest, then double or triple the impact. It doesn’t matter if parents are excited for their child, happy to see them moving on towards independence, it is still going to cause chaos as new routines are established.
OP, if your parents are just normal parents, and this flurry of phone calls is just a normal reaction to this huge change, then be a little patient and slowly wean down on the number and length of phone calls. Text a quick one sentence phrase that will give them insight into your day, mentioning a food you liked in the dining hall, or that you met someone who shares one of your unique interests. Just randomness to you, but for a parent it is gold.
If your parents have always been controlling your every move, then your transition to independence will be tricky and you should consider getting help from your college counseling center if their attempt to control you at college continues. It is a tough situation when they love you, pay for your college, but demand to know your location every moment of every day you are at college. Calling at 9 pm every night to make sure you are tucked in bed, following up on every test grade to make sure you are getting perfect As in every class. That is not normal, and even if it is how it has always been in your family, you might consider counseling to help you figure out possible options towards more independence.
I knew I had potential to be a stalker parent, so I dropped my D off at college and resolved not to make the first phone call. I waited for her to make the first move. It didn’t take long for D to communicate, it was not homesickness at all, but minor details about needing this or that, or asking a question about financial aid.
I found that D posted enough on Facebook to give me the sense that she was engaging in her surroundings, reaching out and going to events with others in her dorm. That was what I needed, and it was comforting enough to get me through her transition to independence. I will say, though, if she had not posted daily with positive thoughts, I probably would have texted her. Just for proof of life and for tidbits that let me know she was engaging in her new college life.
As has been said frequently already, every family’s dynamics are different, and normal is up for debate. It is okay to need to hear your parents’ voices daily, and it is also okay to not want to talk with them. You are busy building your new life, and phone calls can interfere with that. If you need to wean them down on actual phone calls, and they can handle the technology of Facebook or Instagram, direct them there to see that you are getting along just fine.
Not surprisingly, this is a topic that has come up many times over the years, and the most important takeaway (in my opinion) is that every family is different, and each family has to work this out its own way. That said, here are some techniques that may be helpful for both parents and children:
I think it depends on the topic and tone of the calls. If they are trying to check up on you and make sure you are not doing stuff they don’t want you to, then I’d be quicker to shut it down. If they just miss you… well, you can’t feel completely annoyed about that, I hope.
My D1 used to call or text me daily, usually when walking between activities or classes. You could do that – cuts the conversation off when you get to where you are going. I’d let them call for the first week – then maybe suggest cutting back to chatting a couple times a week because you are busy.
D2 would probably never call if I didn’t insist on a sign of life at least once a week.
For those posters who say that back in the day they didn’t call often, I’d remind you that kids & parents are much more connected these days before kids leave for school with technology, and it is so much easier to call or text than it used to be.
Sometimes the problem is the other way around, it’s the student who wants to share everything, especially when things are not going well. I’ve had few gut wrenching call, I had to tell my kid she had to deal with it on her own, and I had to control myself on not being too available.
We text frequently depending on what is going on in everyone’s lives. There are usually more questions at the beginning of the term than there will be later. We usually skype every other week to keep up with major events. We enjoy those conversations as they can be anywhere from a half an hour to two hours long. We purchased a panoramic camera that attaches to the top of the tv an to the computer. Both my wife and I can be sitting on the couch carrying on a conversation with a larger than life daughter on the TV. We’ve had as many 5 on the conversation.
We rarely call. To call means something is VERY wrong. I once tried to text my D13 at a time I figured she would be available on a Saturday … no response, very unusual. I thought perhaps she had a long night and was merely sleeping so I waited a bit and tried again. She always carries her phone with her and always will get back to a direct inquiry even if to say “busy”. I started to go all concerned Dad. By that afternoon after a third text I called. I got a call back immediately and of course was rather embarrassed. She had been at a fund raiser all day and had left her phone locked up. Luckily she was a good sport about it.
Seriously, texting a picture of the dog was an effective strategy! Who could resist that face?!
Sending picture close to the heart can cause home sickness
The picture should be of the dog doing something funny, not looking wistful.
When I was at RPI last summer my parents sent me a picture of my dogs and was the only time I felt sad. Was short lived, but I was only gone a month too.
Once I sent home-made banana bread to older D at summer camp. Got the text “I loved the bread. Never do that again.”
I would rather be a parent that calls to much than have my kids call me too much from college.