<p>"^^^^ I don’t understand why anyone would not want to clarify intentions. "</p>
<p>-But you do not have to understand. Why bother? Everybody has their own reasons. The goal of understanding everybody is not attainable. Most of us are happy to understand ourselves. Do you understand your own goals and motivations? If you do, consider yourself lucky. We have shrinks to understand others. And they are not very successful at that either.</p>
<p>Interesting thread. To answer the OP question, I don’t it’s OK, but boy do I want to! My in-laws are very well set. Extremely. FIL offered to pay for private school for kids K-12. A specific private school, we wouldn’t have a choice. We did not take him up on the offer as the public schools our kids would go to are excellent. Don’t regret the decision in the least. Our kids have had an amazing experience in the public schools. D1 would have never figured out what she wanted to do in the private school with lesser offerings. She has been accepted to an ivy for next year. </p>
<p>Here is what bothers me, in my H’s family. SIL took her father up on the private tuition for her 3 kids. So FIL will spend approx. $1 million on three kids for K-12, when the public schools are excellent. D1 who has been accepted to an ivy will get nothing from the in-laws. BIL makes 5 times as much as H and I and could have sent their kids to the private without taking the money from FIL, but of course took the money. Bitter much…yes. Will I ask for money for D1…no. Do I think this is fair? No. But it’s their money to spend the way they wish. Obviously, they feel that this private school was worth more than an ivy league degree! Will I be hinting big time how difficult it is for us financially to send her, absolutely. Will they pick up on it, probably not. They only seem to hear what they want to hear. That’s it for my rant.</p>
<p>“A specific private school, we wouldn’t have a choice.”</p>
<p>Interesting. Are they alumni of this school, or do they feel it confers status? Is there a religious consideration involved?</p>
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<p>Some parents/grandparents are extremely invested in a particular private school as alums and will make attendance of it a condition of educational financial support. </p>
<p>Several older friends have had co-workers, friends, and acquaintances who had parents/grandparents effectively dictate the specific high school/college they must attend in order to receive their support. </p>
<p>One older friend had a colleague whose father went to extremes by THREATENING TO COMPLETELY DISINHERIT HIS SON if he failed to attend Princeton during late 1960’s. Not even Harvard or Yale would have been acceptable…ONLY Princeton. Fortunately, he was admitted and attended Princeton…but ended up minimizing contact afterwards because he resented his father’s heavyhandedness.</p>
<p>mdmomfromli, that was probably the best money you’ve ever walked away from. At least you “owe” FIL nothing. Money given is rarely ever free.</p>
<p>The private school is a religious school. Neither of my in-laws are alumni of it. We are the same religion as my in-laws, but not as religious. On so many levels the school was not the best “fit” for my kids or for our family. I don’t regret our decision one bit.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4 - “that was probably the best money you’ve ever walked away from”</p>
<p>I agree 100%. If someone wants to offer me a real gift, no strings attached, I’ll be very happy to take it…but to live my life the way someone else wants me to…no thanks!</p>
<p>But, as we get closer to paying that tuition bill for the coming year, we will be very vocal about what a stretch it is!!</p>
<p>$$ talks create mess in a family, should be avoided at any cost!!
however, this is my stand, others might enjoy different opinions. I personally do not need to understand the reasonning, it is every family personal business.</p>
<p>I certainly haven’t read all 14 pages of comments – just the first and current page – but I did want to say that in the world I’m somewhat familiar with, a world of reasonably affluent but by no means wealthy Jewish grandparents, it is, in fact, customary for grandparents to contribute money towards their grandchildren’s college education to the extent they’re able to, often from the time each grandchild is born, and it’s generally considered to be rather disgustingly selfish and stingy of them when they don’t contribute anything, or do so in amounts far less than they could easily afford. Because in that world, it’s always supposed to be all about the children and grandchildren. That said, I would never ask parents-in-law to contribute; I think that’s the job of the son or daughter of the grandparents in question.</p>
<p>Edited to add: I just noticed cobrat’s comment early in the thread indicating that this is expected in Chinese culture as well. To be honest, the very different viewpoints that I see so many express here are completely foreign to me. But so are a lot of the opinions of CC parents expressing horror at the idea of giving financial help to adult children – something I will never stop doing to the extent it’s necessary and I’m able to do so. I have never believed for a moment that financial or other kinds of deprivation build character. To each his or her own, I suppose.</p>
<p>“I have never believed for a moment that financial or other kinds of deprivation build character. To each his or her own, I suppose.”</p>
<p>I don’t think it builds character either. Yet there have been times in my life that I have been very deprived, and made do with very little. And there have been times that I have done extremely difficult things, that were so stressful it would have been much easier to quit. And while I was not happy being deprived or over-challenged, it does give me a feeling of pride knowing that I have the strength to overcome such things…and to not quit nor ask for financial assistance. When things start looking tough again, I remember that I’ve done it before and that no matter how soft and spoiled I am now, I can do it again.</p>
<p>That may be in conflict with what we’ve done for our kids. We’ve been paying for their schools from first grade and would probably pay through their doctorate if needed. We’re leaving them everything and will give them whatever help they or their family want. Including helping with grandchildren, if we’re still able. Of course, it’s easy to say that because they really don’t want much. I assume that while they haven’t been fiscally challenged like we have, their scholastic work has been far more challenging, so hopefully they will recall the tougher times in their lives when needed also.</p>
<p>“Because in that world, it’s always supposed to be all about the children and grandchildren.”</p>
<p>Right. This is my world, too. Educating the kids and grandkids to the best possible standard is, at a minimum, the whole point of working hard and of being an American, if not the whole point of being alive on the Earth. The thread has talked about how this is an individual, family decision, but for most of us, our individual decision is determined by our culture.</p>
<p>Yes, culture, personal experiences and other non-cultural backgorunds, all of which are very different from person to person, including decisions to talk openly or keep it quiet about your $$ situation.</p>
<p>“The 10k/kid/year on my part is a sacrifice but it should be doable” - Most families would be thrilled to get college expenses down to $10K/year per kid. If that makes things tight in your situation, then I’d suggest you rethink your concerns about student loans. </p>
<p>Perhaps it could be an informal loan from MIL, if your wife asks. My grandfather helped me by providing loan for my first car -it was win/win… 9% was higher than savings interest, but lower than 1984 car loan rates.</p>
<p>Most families would be thrilled to get college expenses down to $10K/year per kid.</p>
<p>I agree & while I suspect we make less than OP, I would be embarrassed to ask for help from relatives to cover our families predictable expenses.</p>
<p>Beastman, I guess I am sort of in what you called the “Make Them Work” camp. I can’t see how I would possibly ask my parents or in-laws to contribute when my kid wasn’t contributing summer/part time job earnings first. Yes, I see what you said about your son’s co-op or internship earnings (if he has any), but it sounds like your D will not have any paying opportunities like that.</p>
<p>My kids had some GREAT summers throughout middle school and high school. They got to do some pretty interesting summer programs, mostly at my expense. But they always knew (from middle school on) that when they got to college, they would own their expenses for books, spending money, and any expenses for unpaid internships in the summer (eg, costs of living in another city). They saved gift money ($100 at a time) from grandparents and graduation gift money for years. I liked the book/spending number/summer internship expenses breakdown, as it was an understandable and manageable amount of money. It also encourages frugality (D1 is a pro at finding cheap textbooks to purchase or rent, and diligent about care and returning them – it is her dime!).</p>
<p>They knew (know for the younger one) that they are expected to get some kind of paying work the summer after senior year of high school. Fun summers are over, unless they want to pay the bill. Part time jobs on campus that are flexible for a student are pretty easy to get (D1 has a campus job where some of the time she is working at a check-in desk, so gets some studying done, too), so that has been part of their mix to cover those expenses.</p>
<p>I am not asking them to work at dangerous or super unpleasant jobs, pay a huge amount of their college expenses, or work so many hours their grades suffer (D1 worked 10 hours per week paid last semester, also had a 10 hour a week unpaid internship, took a full course load, started her thesis, and got a 4.0 GPA). It is a reasonable contribution to expect an 18-22 year old to come up with a few thousand dollars a year of the college expenses. It also gives them some of the that real world experience of working for a boss, and the satisfaction of getting a paycheck. IMHO, that puts them ahead when they get to their first “real” job after college. Win-win for everyone.</p>
<p>“Because in that world, it’s always supposed to be all about the children and grandchildren.”</p>
<p>Interesting. If so, I wonder it would make more sense to include grandparents income and assets in FAFSA as well as parents?</p>
<p>My grandmother told my mom that once I turned 18, my parents owed me nothing. Got dropped off at college, was handed $50 and told “you’re on your own.” I had a $1500 external scholarship which was supposed to be divided over three quarters. Had to go to the bursar to beg them to divide into two, or I’d have to go home. Had a job within 24 hours. </p>
<p>OTOH, they paid for my brother to go to college (and flunk out from partying within four quarters).</p>
<p>Had I known my parents were going to do this, I would have done some things differently. It took many, many years to to process my emotions on this one.</p>
<p>Donna, there are plenty of families (including Jewish ones) that don’t pitch in for the children, much less grandchildren.</p>
<p>I can see why the processing would be tough, with your folks treating you & your brother so differently, whatever their justification was. There are many families that have different rules–as above post indicates, sometimes for each kid!</p>
<p>CountingDown, that is just awful. I can’t imagine any sort of justification for that. I’m sure your parents probably thought they had their reasons, but I can’t imagine any reason to treat your kid so unkindly (and especially so much differently than the other). Unless you tried to burn their house down as they slept, I suppose. It would take decades (if ever) to come to terms with that.</p>
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<p>I know. My point is really that in the world I’m familiar with, people tend to be very disapproving of that kind of thing.</p>
<p>Yea, in HI, our neighbors did NOT fund ANY of their kids to go to school once they completed HS so none of them did. One works at 7/11 as a part-time employee with no benefits & helps them care for brother with muscular dystrophy (MD). The other works as a rigger for TV/movies in our state, and the 3rd is an artist & MD patient. Both parents are college grads–he was HS counselor & she was p/t teacher, so we found it unusual that they did not do more to encourage their kids to further their education or opportunities.</p>
<p>Most of the world I know also, parents will do nearly anything in their power (including taking on additional jobs & loans) to help their kids go to Us or whatever additional education they want to pursue.</p>