Is it possible to change roommates?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Brown University
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<p>I love your logic BMS:
1. I believe not wanting to live with a homosexual for 4 months is homophobia.
2. Thus, I am insane.</p>

<p>I imagine your personal views have something to do with believing in the immorality of homosexuality. You have every right to them. But I have a question for you. If your roomate was Muslim, or was Christian in case you are Muslim, and said that they wanted to switch rooms because they couldn't live with someone who they thought was going to hell, would that be justified? How would that make you feel? What if someone didn't want to live with an atheist because of their personal views? What if someone who wanted to save sex until marriage and thought to do otherwise was sinful wanted to switch rooms because their roomate was sexually promiscuous?</p>

22

<p>If I'm wrong about what personal views you have that would make you not want to be in the presence of a homosexual, then I guess you can ignore the above analogy. However, I should warn you that at Brown, and at any New England university, you will be in the presence of homosexuals often enough. Beware!</p>

23

<p>BM, nobody is questioning your views on homosexuality. You are certainly entitled to them. It is not about that, however. You said it was a matter of PREFERENCE in terms of who you live with. But that's the point. With freshmen roommates at any college, they are somewhat randomly chosen and you will likely room with someone who you might not have chosen if you could have and who you might not "prefer". But certainly what harm is it to live with someone who has very different views or orientations than you do? You don't know what that is like until you try it. But you are going into the situation already negatively because of WHO the roommate is rather than what he is like to live with. Taking issue with his sexuality is one thing but willingness to tolerate living together is another, if simply based on his orientation (we could subsitute skin color or religion here too). What if you were really against the views of a certain religion? Or certain race? Should a university not house you together? This is a university that prides itself on diversity and WANTS you to learn to live with others who are very different than yourself. If you prefer not to, you might have wanted to select a school where everyone is of like mind......all conservatives or all one religion or something like that. Nobody here is questioning your conservative viewpoint or views on homosexuality. It is about willingness to coexist with others very different from your views and learn to live respectful of those differences, not necessarily share them. Again, I'd be worried for your roommate if you came into the situation so unwilling to not want to have to live together because of who he is, rather than based on any experiences you had with him. It is one thing if someone is harrassing you or any other inapprorpriate activity in a living situation but no school is going to switch you because you simply PREFER to not share a space with someone who is very different from your outlook, morals, or beliefs. Get used to this. You may have a promiscous roomie and you might be of the philosophy of no sex until marriage. You might be Jewish and have to live with a Palestinian. You might be a rich prep kid from some rich enclave and have to room with an inner city African American low income kid. Um, this is what college is about. If this is NOT for you, and you only want to live with who you "prefer", you might want to rethink certain colleges environments, such as this one. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

24

<p>Alright, you're not going to change each other's minds, as much as you feel you want to, need to, or have to. In the end, thenextyao will ask for a room change, and either decide after his 4 years at Brown that that was a good decision or that it really doesn't matter. Bull Moose and Squirrel will hold his relatively conservative beliefs that people with opposite sexualities shouldn't live in the same dorm if one of them doesn't want to, whether it be a man and a woman or a heterosexual and homosexual of the same gender. Finally, MoattoMoat and the others will hold their relatively liberal beliefs that it doesn't matter one bit what someone's sexuality is, and that it should be regarded only as part of someone's life that is only his or her business, and no one elses.</p>

<p>Your arguing won't change anyone's mind, so let's just let each other have our own beliefs and views, and perhaps they will change at a later date if one of us is right. </p>

<p>Why can't we all just get along?!?!</p>

25

<p>I agree mayfirst, but its not about liberal or conservative. Its just a matter of keeping ideology out of this sort of thing. If I were an extreme-left wing liberal and had to live with an extreme-right wing conservative, I'd still not change roomates simply because of that difference. I think that arguing can change people's minds, but, probably not through a discussion board.</p>

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<p>I am not into arguing but I don't think this discussion is about ideology at all. It is not about this one's beliefs or that one's. It is about requesting a room change before ever meeting a person because you do not share ideologies and prefer not to have to live with someone whose beliefs, morals, leanings, what have you, differ from your own. I can't imagine the school granting a room change based on what? "I prefer not to live with a gay person whom I have never met?" (they might be inclined to send you to a diversity lecture) They'd be making room change requests to the wazoo with everyone who prefered a different roommate based on "differences" on paper (not on actual negative experiences in the living arrangement). Wow, I can't imagine it. That's what we are talking about. Not gay vs. straight, not liberal views vs. conservative ones. Freshman roommate assignments are not done on race, religion, or sexual orientation. They ask you about if you are an early riser or late sleeper or messy or neat, stuff like that. You very WELL might get a freshman roomie whom you would never have chosen or preferred in a million years. You have to make a go of getting along respectfully, that's it. You do not have to become friends. You get to CHOOSE your roomies after freshman year. A school that values diversity and hopes all types of students will mingle and discuss various viewpoints, is not going to be real keen on a roomie change BEFORE the students live together and develop any problems but merely cause one roomie prefers not to have to live with someone of "that kind". You can subsitute "that kind" with a myriad of things, not simply homosexuals. This is not a homosexuality issue really. It is about respect and tolerance for differences even if you abhor the other person's views or choices. You only have to get along and coexist in the same space, not PREFER the person or like the person or agree with the person. </p>

<p>Again, I'd be concerned for YOUR roommate and having to live with intolerance to this degree of unwillingness to coexist side by side. </p>

<p>Good luck in college.</p>

<p>Susan</p>

27

<p>While Moat has brought up the fact that someone's sexual lifestyle/preference is really none of anyone's business, no one has mentioned the fact that because this is the case, there is really no particular reason why a freshman would even KNOW his/her roommate's sexuality before living together. In fact, if one or the other roommate does not wish to divulge it and does actually keep his/her sex life private (as it should respectfully be in a roommate situation), you could conceivably go for the entire YEAR without ever "knowing" the sexual preference of your roommate. So in that case, two questions:
1)If your roommate does not divulge his/her sexuality, what do you have to go on? Intuition? "I want to move out because I can just tell he is gay." I don't think so. You are not necessarily privy to this information and thus may be in a position to live with this person anyway, and you probably wouldn't know the difference.
2)If your roommate DOES divulge their sexuality, why does their divulging it make them any less fit to live with than the individual who chooses not to? Just because you know for a fact? Does knowing it, even if their behavior is exactly the same and just as respectful as before, change your capacity to live with this person? If so, then the problem is with you.</p>

<p>"i have personal views on that which i have not disclosed, because they are irrelevant here, and may be offensive to some people. They're my business, and i have this strange notion of not forcing my personal beliefs on others."</p>

<p>-You could take that EXACT statement and apply it to someone who does not wish to reveal their sexual preference. It's THEIR business, not yours.</p>

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<p>Lisa, I want to commend you on your eloquent post and the points you made. I don't know how anyone would know this information before hand. But even if they found it out the first day (maybe the roomie is open about his/her sexuality), it doesn't change anything. Your quote of the other poster's point about his personal views not being forced on anyone or not disclosing them cause they may offend some people and how that same "position" could be applied to a gay roommate is so apt! Just turn this person's point around and let the roomie say the same thing. Then what? Exactly.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
amor: i'll make sure i transfer out of brown next year because i would rather not have a gay roommate and becuase you were wise enough to let me know.

[/quote]
I support gays and gay rights. Don't be a wiener. </p>

<p>I said that because I don't want this kid to go to Brown if he's going to be a closed-minded bigot. So chill, dude.</p>

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<p>thank you mayfirst;</p>

<p>what you all are suggesting, means that sexual orientation makes and should NOT make any impact on roommate assignments. Let me ask you something: if it's ok to room a gay guy and a straight guy, why can't Brown be progressive enough to room a woman and a man? After all, if we're so damn egalitarian these days, why can't i have an experience of living with a woman. Technically if who we have sex with makes no difference, why should having a pen!s?</p>

<p>Also can someone explain to me why the word Pen!s gets me a *****?</p>

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<p>Actually, Brown DOES allow women and men to live together by choice as rising sophomores, juniors, and seniors. However, I think the MAJORITY of women (though not all) would probably still be more comfortable living with a woman who is a stranger than a man, and the MAJORITY of men (though, again, not all) would be more comfortable living with a man who is a stranger than a woman, so the way in which Residential Life is likely to please the most people in a situation where roommates are assigned is by doing same-sex rooms.</p>

<p>That said, what you say is something I've thought about a lot, because you're right in that it's only because it is the old social standard for roommates to be two men or two women that it's still done this way. In fact, the LGBTA and other groups of students at Brown have been fighting for more and more coed housing over the past several years and have made a lot of strides, saying that once students are allowed to choose their roommates and housing, it's wrong to assume people will prefer to live with someone of the same sex. I wouldn't be surprised if that argument affected first-year housing in some way in the future. However, the key for now is "once students are allowed to choose." You are NOT given a choice as a first-year, so they try to make as many compatible pairs as possible, and more often than not this means grouping individuals of the same sex together.</p>

<p>Another reason they'd be reluctant to make coed pairs is because it would probably require even MORE room switches throughout the year in that there would be a preponderance of people who would misused the coed option, e.g. straight males and females who wanted to live with a member of the opposite sex for "inappropriate" reasons (i.e. to hook up, or even if it just ended up happening unintentionally), and then things got ugly in some way and they wanted to move out because of a falling out or a change in the state of their relationship or if it got "too weird". Of course this could happen with two men living in a room and with two women, but it is much more likely to happen much more frequently if there are coed rooms. I know this sounds sort of peculiar, but it is a fact that this is something that was considered by ResLife. Overall, it simplifies their jobs to have same-sex rooms.</p>

<p>I'm explaining my comments and the answers to your questions because they are of interest to me, but in the end, I can't help but wonder if this issue was brought up just for the sake of argument because I really don't see how they are of relevance in this discussion. An individual's sex is a public characteristic and it's one that, in our society at least, influences issues of propriety and personal privacy, and above all, most of us are socialized to carry a certain set of beliefs surrounding sex separation. While we can choose individually not to adhere to those beliefs, a University as an institution cannot put individuals in a position of being forced not to adhere to cultural "norms." On the contrary, an individual's sexual preference is NOT a public characteristic, and that alone is enough to say that NO, it should not be an issue in roommate pairings.</p>

<p>In a cultural vacuum, yes any two characteristics of an individual would be equal, but a) we don't live in such a vacuum and the issues are thus not the same, and b) in a cultural vacuum, people probably wouldn't feel uncomfortable about others' sexual preference anyway and then it wouldnt be of consequence.</p>

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<p>Lisa, you have made some most excellent points in both of your posts. As a gay male, the only thing I ask is that my straight roommates (there are 7 of them, heh) take the opportunity to get to know me before judging me and closing themselves off to me. Thanks to the advent of facebook, you can often find out your roommate's sexual orientation, so in that respect it is possible for that issue to come up before arriving on campus. Nevertheless, it is my most sincere hope that the OP and others in the thread who have expressed a discomfort with the idea of rooming with a gay person will take the opportunity to get to know their roommate, not some idea of their roommate that they have without having met or known him or her. I would say that's only fair. <em>shrug</em></p>

<p>Oh, how the worries of college are finally coming on, heh.</p>

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<p>"Brown DOES allow women and men to live together by choice as rising sophomores, juniors, and seniors."</p>

<p>Not in the same room...</p>

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<p>lisa, i appreciate your rational approach to this.
The point WAS brought up to show a point, but it is much than that. What i am saying is that dismissing sexual orientation as "oh, they should learn to deal with it and it's good for them" is wrong if that approach is not taken to sex. While sex IS a public characteristic, there is a lot of overlap here and we get into much serious discussions. I, for one, am well acquainted with a woman who dresses like a man, hangs out with guys, even looks like a man in many ways. I don't know whether she is straight or gay, but socially she is more resembling of a typical man that a certain gay male acquantance of mine; his friends are all females, ALL he talks about is fashion, etcetera. You can't generalize male/female like that.</p>

<p>For the naughty reasons that you mentioned, rooming people of different orientations makes a lot more sense that doing so by sex in many ways. First it may take the pressure off homosexuals; even encourage people to publically acknowledge whether they are gay or straight, without the negative connotations that being open oftentimes has.</p>

<p>I for one don't support what i just described, i am more of a traditionalist in this sense; i like the status quo and i don't feel like changing anything; at least not during MY college experience. But what this means is that being uncomfortable with a gay roommate is, at least to me, just as reasonably as being uncomfortable with a roommate of a different sex. Granted there is about 15 people who will go off on this with their retarded conspiracy theories, but nonetheless i want to make it clear that to many people desiring a straight roommate a matter of preference, not intolerance.</p>

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<p>BMaS: "I support gay civil unions, i support equal rights in the military, but i don't support homosexuality in my room/house/dorm/presence. It's not about tolerance, it's about preference. I CAN live tolerantly next to a homosexual; but if i have to make an effort to do so, I don't want to... why should i? Who is it gonna benefit? Me? The gay guy? You're too busy trying to protect the innocent and to tell me what an intolerant guy i am. You're missing the point."</p>

<p>No, YOU'RE missing the point. You make totally absurd analogies dealing with completely absolutely irrelevant situations and accuse MoatToMoat of playing the guilt card. Consider what you wrote above and tell me that you don't see everything that is wrong with how you think. You "support" efforts to promote homosexuality but you don't want to be near any of it or personally have any of it to do with your sacred, righteous self. Ok, so Americans all respond so sympathetically to the worldwide cries about pollution and energy crisis attached to our uneconomical use of fuel, which our country probably carries at least 90% of the responsibility for, yet not nearly enough of these self claimed liberal environmentalist are willing to cut down the milage on their SUV's or endure a few days without AC. Now THAT is a parallel analogy, get off your high horse and take some notes. If you want to say that you are in fact supportive of homosexuality, then take the full step. Don't make cowardly gestures that mean nothing except on paper. Otherwise, just keep your cowardly mouth shut. I don't even care if you are anti-homosexual or neo-nazi/KKK, if you're honest about it, because at least you're not a coward about it.</p>

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<p>Oh man, I wish you avoided the environmental analogy because now its gonna turn into one of those debates. Otherwise, I like what you said.</p>

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<p>Reading this thread really has me a bit on edge. I came to this website looking for advice. I just got my rooming assignment yesterday, and talked to one of my roommates for the first time last night. One of the first questions she asked me was, "do you have a boyfriend?" I simply replied "nope". I don't know how to/when to tell her that I'm a lesbian and the only reason I'm going to that school was because my ex-girlfriend (was my girlfriend at the time I applied at the school) wanted me to! I don't want her to make judgements about me before we even meet in person! I thought that maybe I was way off and people really don't freak out about that stuff, and then I read the dudes question... hurrah.</p>

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<p>I'm actually surprised she asked you if you have a boyfriend, and that early on. I would expect that first of all most (not all, clearly) people would start with only stuff that's a little more surfacey in the first conversation. Maybe asking about having a significant other isn't exactly prying, but it's usually something one reveals either on their own time or after some time or WHEN it comes up in conversation.
also i would expect that people these days (especially those who presumably know a bit about Brown's culture if they have chosen to matriculate) would tend to hesitate to assume anything about anyone else's sexuality. For example, I remember that even my freshman roommate (who was a Southeastern Catholic school debutante and certainly far right of most at Brown) brought up the subject as "so are you dating anyone special" or something like that, clearly careful not to implicate any assumptions about gender or sexual preference.</p>

<p>Maybe I am just naive? Thoughts?</p>

<p>heyimnotstupid, I would not worry too much about your roomie's inquiry because first of all there's no sense in getting worked up before you're even at school, second of all I think you'll find that if she actually were uptight about your sexuality (which she may not be), such a view would be relatively unpopular within the unit and she would probably loosen up quickly...and thirdly you don't want to prejudge HER based on this question--many people say things in first conversatiions that they don't even mean or in ways that they don't mean to come across because they are nervous and just trying to keep the talk flowing. You never know--if it seemed to her that you answered the question a little bit curtly or uncomfortably, SHE may be kicking herself for even posing it in the way she did!</p>

<p>As for when to tell her, I think it's perfectly understandable for you not to be entirely forthcoming over the phone before you've met, and I would bet that once you have a little while in person to get to know this girl, it will become clearer to you when and how you would best share that about yourself.</p>

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<p>I always think it's funny when people refer to the "gay lifestyle." There is no "gay lifestyle." A person's sexual orientation first and foremost means who they are attracted. Anything aside from that (personality, taste, friends, etc) is often shown by our media to be directly related to sexual orientation, but it isn't directly related. The term "gay lifestyle" is just as inaccurate as the term "black lifestyle." So, if you disapprove of gay people having sex, say "I don't agree with gay people having sex," but don't bring "lifestyle" into it.Also, keep in mind that many gay men (like many straight men) have never had sex.</p>