<p>I wanted to be everything, I wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a baseball player, I wanted to be a policeman, I wanted to be a doctor. When I was a kid I tried all sorts of sports and clubs but I felt there was something missing, I used to quit in everything because I didnt felt the joy in it. My Dad was killed when I had 5 years, he was real close to me and it wasnt easy at all to let go. It felt weird because for the rest of my life I didnt have that male figure in my home. My mom was young at the time and I felt sometimes she didnt even know how to be one. In school, I wasnt going to well, I was having bad grades and my teachers where constantly calling my mom to reunions. I was mad at the world for taking the person who I loved the most. Having him absent took away my self-confidence; I felt as if I didnt know whom I was. As the years went by my mother started to date my stepfather, I never liked him at first, but he once started to talk me about surfing and I got engaged, It was like Ive never heard about it, it was something new, it was a challenge. I asked myself: How could ive never think of trying this amazing sport? As of now I love surfing and its my passion. I never thought it could teach me so much about life. Surfing connected me to nature in a way where I could appreciate everything that has been given to me and it lets me see how lucky I am to be in perfect health and in a place where im loved and cared for. The power of the ocean will always leave you humbled. It teaches you humility and puts things in perspective. Every night before I go to surf I get my things ready to be the first one on the beach, I can barely sleep from my anticipation of seeing the waves the next day. Its kind of an obsession and all that effort you put to wake up every morning its the kind of discipline you need to achieve your dreams. Its a discipline that shows you the importance of just showing up. It showed me how life gives you back and how things happen for a reason. My dad died and it open new opportunities in my life that have guided me through life lessons and experiences. The community that revolves around the surfing society gives back everything they can to nature. You see how they care for each other and it made me change what I enjoy doing in life. Ive realized that I get joy from helping the community and doing everything I can to make the world a better place for my children to grow in.</p>
<p>(Comments are in chronological order( as in when I got to that section in the essay, I commented on it or how it doesn’t add up to a point you made earlier.)</p>
<pre><code>First things first. Is your essay one super paragraph? If so, i’d find spots where your focus changes and make that into it’s own paragraph. Readers aren’t going to enjoy reading a super paragraph.
Second, your parallelism in the beginning should be shortened at the “I wanted to be a baseball…” into a list format. They will get that you are trying to use parallelism by then and it saves you words.
Your “I used to quit…” sentence would benefit from a transitional word like “As a result”.
You mis-used “where” in the sentence where you teachers called her. It’s were.
I would link you trying everything to your dad’s death because I was confused when you abruptly changed topics. I see that you started to put the pieces together later but having that transition would keep your readers reading.
By the time i’m reading your love of surfing, i’m in full-on confused mode. Is this essay about your dad’s death and the void that was filled by your step-dad or you never finding “your thing” until surfing? If it’s the latter, I would omit your dad’s death and just mention your step-father. If it’s the former, i’d probably go in-depth on creating a father-son connection through surfing.
Your concluding statements are a bit weak. That’s how we were taught to finish an essay early on in high school but you’re a senior. The readers will be expecting a satisfying ending to your story. I’d really reflect on what you want to write on and the perfect ending will just come flowing out.
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<p>Really sorry for the loss of your dad at such a young age. Here are my suggestions:</p>
<p>-What is your essay prompt? Without it, I can’t say if your essay answers the prompt.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>I feel your passion for surfing. This can be the focus of your essay. What are 3 key things you love/learned from surfing? Share with admissions each of the three things through a personal story. Convey your story in such a way that admissions can feel the wave and thrill of the sport.</p></li>
<li><p>You can mention in paragraph 3 or 4 of your essay about how you find something positive from the tragedy of the death of your dad.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>-Maybe in your conclusion you can talk specifically how you would apply the lessons learned in college and in life to make a difference.</p>
<p>-Remember, start with an attention grabbing line. For example, this line from your essay is an interesting starting sentence:
The power of the ocean always leaves me humbled.</p>
<p>Hope this helps. Good luck! : )</p>
<p>Essay prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
-Thanks for reading my essay and giving me tips I’ve done some changes now, take a look:
I wanted to be everything, I wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a baseball player, I wanted to be a policeman. When I was a kid I tried all sorts of sports and clubs but I felt there was something missing, as a result I quitted in everything because I didn’t felt the joy in it. My Dad was killed when I had 5 years, he was real close to me and it wasn’t easy at all to let go. It felt weird because for the rest of my life I didn’t have that male figure in my home. My mom was young at the time and I felt sometimes she didn’t even know how to be one. In school, I wasn’t going to well, I was having bad grades and my teachers were constantly calling my mom to reunions. I was mad at the world for taking the person who I loved the most. Having him absent took away my self-confidence; I felt as if I didn’t know whom I was. As the years went by my mother started to date my stepfather, I never liked him at first, but he once started to talk me about surfing and I got engaged, It was like I’ve never heard about it, it was something new, it was a challenge. I asked myself: How could I’ve never think of trying this amazing sport? As of now I love surfing and it’s my passion. It created a great relationship with my stepfather that I never had. I didn’t think surfing could teach me so much about life. Surfing connected me to nature in a way where I could appreciate everything that has been given to me and it lets me see how lucky I am to be in perfect health and in a place where I’m loved and cared for. The power of the ocean will always leave you humbled. It teaches you humility and puts things in perspective. Every night before I go to surf I get my things ready to be the first one on the beach, I can barely sleep from my anticipation of seeing the waves the next day. Its kind of an obsession and all that effort you put to wake up every morning it’s the kind of discipline you need to achieve your dreams. It’s a discipline that shows you the importance of just showing up. Surfing has taught me to live in the present no matter what tragedies you have experienced. Living by the “what if” rather than the “what is” makes your body tingle with anxiety and propels you back to the past were memories hinder your life in the present. I’ve let go of those memories now and I’ve learned from them how things happen for a reason. Life has put me through a journey I don’t regret; I appreciate every second of it and what it has to come. “Life is a journey, not a destination”-Ralph Waldo Emerson</p>