I know it needs revision and some changing around. But as a whole is it too risky?
Thanks!
Here it is:
REMOVED
Honestly, I wouldn’t even use that word. It made me flinch just seeing it written the first time and it was used more than once. You’re talking about being upset hearing the word, but yet you mention it over and over.
@Emme12 but how else would i convey it?
thanks!
Maybe u should begin by helping us out w the essay prompt. Because I am really struggling to see the point of this disjointed collection of paragraphs. It’s quite painful to read.
You kind of burn your essay when you post it online. I’m concerned a plagerizer search engine would think you copied it. And people can steal the good parts.
What level schools are you applying to. It is a bit superficial and juvenile, but I can see there are some good points. I appreciate you trying to amuse the admissions readers but really it doesn’t come off well. I think a more honest approach can still have humor, this seems too fakey. And you shouldn’t list your accomplishments that will already be on your listed activities/honors etc, it is too self promoting, you can make the point without it. I don’t like including several quotes from other people, I don’t like making a joke or pun and then pointing it out like we are too dumb. I think you can get rid of the gimmickry and still make a good essay.
Oh and I see you didn’t post this in the College Essay section of the forum. Go there and read the warnings and suggestions pinned on top.
I’ll start by prefacing that I’m just a high school senior, no formal experience in college essays what so ever. I do know a bit about writing though, so take my advice with a salt grain or two.
To answer your main question, yes it is risky, but not for the reasons you might think. Putting comedy in written text is always risky. When the humor works it can slightly improve your essay, but when it doesn’t work it can greatly hurt your essay. It’s a lot harder to maintain the humor when its written down than in any other format. You can’t see or control the delivery, the reader could read it in a bad mood and the humor does nothing, or they could just not find it funny. When you devote such a large part of your essay to trying to be funny, all of it has to work, and I don’t think yours does. Now to get specific with your essay, these are just my thoughts take it for what you will.
In general, quotes are bad. Don’t tell us what someone else better than you said, tell us what you said. You have two quotes, that’s two sentences dedicated to other people.
In the first paragraph you cut off your sentence and I’m supposed to assume the rest of the joke. It’s not obvious to me what you were going to say, so I’m assuming it’s something sexual.
Second paragraph is mostly fine, but to contrast Emme12’s opinion on retarded, it might not have as much of a punch as you think it would. At one point not to long ago (and arguably still today) retarded was the polite/clinical way to say it. If you have an experienced reader who’s been working in education for decades it could be the term they use. Depends on who you get.
Third paragraph, mostly fine. The admissions officers line was a little weird. In general don’t tell people what to think, let them form their own thoughts.
Fourth paragraphs pretty bad. Kardashian comment could go either way, they have a list of your EC’s no need to list them out, and I didn’t find the pun funny. You then spent three sentences on the pun, which I didn’t find funny. This is where you need to think about the minor help/major harm thing.
Fifth paragraph is really bad. It has all of the problems of paragraph 4, so see above, and you start talking like you just discovered a thesaurus. “Excuse my possibly acerbic tone, but it was necessary in conveying that I am also the compassionate equalitarian.” It sounds unnatural, no one really talks like that. You’re trying to sound smart but it just looks like you don’t understand what you’re saying. Get rid of the passive voice.
Sixth is just as bad, and suffers from most of the same problems. Quote, list of EC’s they already read, ridiculous language. Just read this aloud, “Through my qualifications and positions, it is evident that I am also the leader.”
Seventh is meh. Use I instead of your name, its an essay written by you. And in the end I didn’t laugh. Also GMTplus7 is right, nothing had anything to do with anything else. You were all over the place.
Again, just a high school dude, take my advice for what it’s worth.
@running1998 maybe you can say that it upsets you when people use the derogatory term for people who are mentally handicap or suffer from mental retardation. Or something along those lines.
@GPencil he didn’t say retarded, he used the word retard. He also said it upsets him when people use the word, so I just feel he probably shouldn’t use it.
OP, tell us what the prompt is. Without that information for context, no one can tell you whether your essay is appropriate.
“But don’t get me wrong; I’m not some creep who likes to hear people laugh before I - I’m going to stop right there.”
Before what?? I’m going to assume you meant “rape and murder,” since you didn’t specify. Now you have put that idea in the reader’s head. I already feel creeped out by this essay.
“Crowd comprised of admissions officers chants “What a nerd!””
Have you ever written anything not intended for an internet forum in your life? There are no asterisk actions in writing. Stop it.
“and I don’t care for the Kardashians”
What does this have to do with anything?
“I may have to en-LIGHTEN that big head of his. See what I did there?”
This pun doesn’t even make sense. How will you lighten a head? It’s a fixed weight. You managed to sound vaguely threatening while saying nothing of value.
“suddenly get violent”
You’ve actually threatened violence several times in this essay. I would be scared of admitting you. Maybe you’d show up on campus and murder the first person who puts paper in the Styrofoam bin.
“is never appropriate under any circumstance.”
Good thing you’re using it! I think we can all agree your essay is anything but appropriate.
" I refrained from referring to one of my most admirable qualities: leadership"
- except not really, I’m going to tell you about it now. *
“many of them consisted of metaphors about food”
This sounds completely trivial. I can’t take you seriously.
" I have no problem with being the funny guy."
- Stop. Stop saying “THE funny guy,” “THE leader.” You are not the only one in the world, and you don’t convey your message well enough to sound like you do a good job at any of these things.
- Nothing about this essay was funny. Are you being serious? You actually wrote this – which includes Internet-speak, threats of violence, slurs, and a completely baffling sense of arrogance – and expect an adcom to read it and like you? Just from reading, I hate the persona you’ve put forth here. I hope you’re not actually like that.
Good thing you posted it online, actually. Now you have to scrap it, and I have a feeling you would be hard to convince of that otherwise.
For starters, posting an essay online is a huge mistake.
Secondly, I agree with every single word @bodangles has written. You don’t come off as “funny guy”-- you come off as “creepy guy.”
What’s the point of your essay?? That you enjoy making people laugh? That you’re a math guy? That you hate a word you insist on using over and over? That you’re a leader? That you care about the environment?
You have only 650 words. In those 650 words, you’ve written 6 different essays. Choose one-- and I would NOT make it the one on the word I hate too much to write.
Thank you for all the advice for those who genuinely wanted to help. I completely ripped apart the essay myself before I looked back at this. It is completely different now so plz NO MORE POSTS. Thank you to @bjkmom @Emme12 @BrownParent and @GPencil for the advice, even though it is not applicable anymore. @bodangles I think for some reason you took this essay really personally for some reason or something…? I’m kind of confused on your surplus of interest and I think you need to find some hobbies… Sure, it was a stupid essay probably caused by my lack of sleep and procrastination. I wrote it in not even half an hour. As if I would ever send it to an adcom… You were far too astringent in your response. I scrapped the essay before I saw it, but I just want to let you know you were not very helpful. Thanks for trying though I guess
Again, as this essay is no longer existent, plz do not post any more reccomendations or revisions
Sure, wouldn’t most people be personally offended by something that uses slurs, is threatening, and appears to be born of the belief that the author is God’s gift to humor? lol. Glad I could help 
Take a look at @bodangles’ response history before you criticize. He/she is one of the people on this board who offer lots of serious, concrete help to kids. Your criticism is both unkind and unfounded.
How on earth are we to know that you did it in half an hour, with no sleep? Or that you wouldn’t dream of actually sending it to an adcom?? We’re strangers-- we don’t know you.
A word to the wise: if you don’t want people to criticize what you post, don’t post it and ask for criticism. If you want a pat on the back about how funny you can be, ask like minded friends, not adults.
Had this been a serious attempt at an essay, bodangles is the one who critiqued it as a teacher would-- as an adcom would read it.
Okay deal, we won’t post any more answers and certainly not give this unwanted essay help to you in future!
Hey seniors, just to reiterate what others have said: Do Not Post Your Essays. Big Mistake. Ask for a reading via PM instead.
I’m an experienced essay reader and a parent of university students.
This is just inappropriate and far too casual.
I really think you have something of value to say here if you strip away the extraneous nonsense; you just didn’t say it right, and it started here: “But don’t get me wrong; I’m not some creep who likes to hear people laugh before I - I’m going to stop right there. The point is, I love making people laugh.”
This is the sort of completely inappropriate, stream-of-consciousness thought that sounds better in your head than on paper.
Now take all that out, and write your essay and see what you have. You can still be humorous, but appropriate.