Is my essay worth reading?

<p>A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.</p>

<pre><code>Some people may feel it is of a disadvantage for animals to be used by humans without any consent, while others may think it is necessary that humans will continue using animals to achieve a certain end. I think that both sides of arguments are reasonable. However, for the purpose of satisfying both beliefs as much as possible, some aspects of the idea should be altered.
The inability of animals to give consent to humans' actions may be a good reason for stopping the animal exploitation, but it may be followed by unexpected future consequences as well. It is understandable how some people feel it is unfair for animals to be treated unequally since today many scientific researches have shown that many animal species can be much more intelligent than what humans expected. For instance, in one study, a monkey became mad after seeing its partner being awarded with a better kind of fruit for performing the same task. This shows how animals are aware of the fairness of a treatment. Moreover, if someone was to argue that humans need animals for food resources, this group of people can respond immediately that vegetarian is still an option, and if everyone stops eating meat, fake meat made of protein would develop rapidly as well.
However, if animals were to be set completely free, future consequences should be considered as well. To demonstrate, if certain animals without their owner destroy humans' properties, then who would be responsible for the action? This is due to the fact that even though the awareness of animals may be high to a certain extent, it is still generally lower than humans'.
In addition, people still need animals to survive and develop many technologies which may be useful in a long run. Despite the use of animals in terms of food industry, scientists also use animals for researching purposes. Although many people would argue that this cause harm to the species, many findings drawn from these experiments, when being thought of carefully, give long-term benefit to humans, and also to the world. Furthermore, if animals are not used in these experiments, humans would probably have to be involved instead, which may posts even more serious ethical issue. Lastly, nowadays there are ethical guidelines which instruct scientists and limit the extent to which animals may be used in laboratories. Thus, if these guidelines are followed seriously, the experiment should cause these animals lease harm and most benefit to the societies.
To sum up, I personally think that animals should still be exploited. At the same time, the concerns of the other group of people should be taken into consideration as well. This means that if any action could be taken to decrease the unfairness of animal treatments, then it should be done.
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<p>Okay, a few suggestions. These aren’t definitive in any way, just my thoughts:
-“it is of a disadvantage for animals to”- overly wordy, which detracts from the power of what you’re saying. Go with a strong adjective or noun and cut out all the superfluous other stuff- i.e., “it is morally condemnable,” “a travesty.” </p>

<p>-“necessary that humans will continue using animals to achieve a certain end.”- Again, overly wordy. When you’re writing an essay, try to keep it as precise and clean as possible. I would change it to some variant of: “find it crucial to use animals to…” </p>

<p>-Do not use first person (“I”) in a formal, persuasive essay. State your opinion as objective fact, and then prove it.</p>

<p>-As for the thesis: it’s pretty vague- “some aspects should be changed.” I suggest you sharpen it a bit: what aspect, exactly? I think it certainly needs to be more focused than “some aspects.”
It’s also a little cumbersome and wordy- get rid of the whole “for the purpose of satisfying…” bit. Superfluous.
Also, and perhaps most crucially: if this is meant to be an AP lang essay, I would suggest NOT straddling two points of view- even if it best represents your own perspective. That strategy will inevitably leave your essay messy and unfocused. I would say: pick a side, which ever one you can procure more argument and reason for, and prove it thoroughly and eloquently. It will be infinitely stronger. </p>

<p>-Second paragraph is pretty good. “This shows” is usually something you want to avoid; maybe you can pinpoint what exactly in that example “shows” the point you’re discussing. Again, make it more explicit; less vague. There are a few other things but they’re all pretty minor. </p>

<p>Okay, I’m going stop going line by line here. Just my general tips: avoid verbosity, 1st person, make some stronger word choices. In the body paragraphs there are moments where you casually bring up points without fully exploring them and emphasizing their importance- you should elaborate on that evidence more fully (one example is the whole “we would have to use humans” bit- keep going. How unethical would it be? How terrible?). You should also avoid the word “may.” State your points confidently and powerfully. </p>

<p>But the main thing with your essay is that it doesn’t really prove any point- it seems more like the internal, discursive, somewhat floundering thought process of someone encountering the evidence. It succumbs to that “messy and unfocused” nature I mentioned earlier. </p>

<p>To answer your actual question: yes, it is worth reading. You raise some good points. But could your essay be better? Yes. I can totally understand why you’d feel compelled to examine both viewpoints and utilize all the evidence: it’s an admirable aim, and probably one that is more useful in the long run, i.e. in life. But for an AP lang essay you should pick a side and prove it well; that will best illustrate your logical and expository writing abilities. So, I would rework your essay. You say you personally think animals should still be exploited. Try doing a thorough job proving that :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Good luck! </p>