So I currently live in a double room by myself and I share a jack-and-jill style bathroom with the girl who lives next door (also in a double room).
This girl is extremely peculiar and I have been nothing but nice and accommodating but I am getting tired of all of this. Tonight was the straw that broke the camel’s back sort of thing.
First off, she never cleans anything at all but then claims she’s a germaphobe. She has left half eaten pints of ice cream in the bathroom for weeks as well as a variety of other foods in her room. I have been deep cleaning the bathroom every week and not once has she offered to help (we have communal cleaning supplies) or clean her side of the counter. But then she goes and acts like I didn’t do an adequate job cleaning and wears shower shoes and lines the toilet seat with toilet paper so she can sit down. By doing the latter, she wastes almost half a roll in the less than 3 days but never contributes to the toilet paper. She also refuses to do anything in the bathroom (even though we have a shower stall and toilet stall) when I am in there or if my door is open. When she is done in the bathroom, she always leaves the light on so I’m unsure if I can come back in (until I knock and hear no response) or if she is even in there to begin with. If she hears me come back from working out in the morning, she will quickly run to the bathroom and jump in the shower even though she was up during the 2 hours I was gone and had that opportunity to take her 1 hour 30 min long showers.
Second, whenever she hears I have friends over she always imposes herself, acts rude to me to try to impress them, and doesn’t leave when asked to. On top of that, in any conversation whether it be between the two of us or with a group, she has to always try to argue with me and contradict things without even knowing an ounce of what is being discussed.
Lastly, the straw that broke the camel’s back: I went to visit with family this weekend (out of state, a good 3 hours away) and I come back to see that the doorstop I use to keep her from getting in my room was moved to the middle of my floor and that the thermostat was changed. I asked her if she went in my room to which she vehemently denied. I then mentioned the doorstop being moved and she admitted to ‘knocking and peeking into my room to see if I was there when I didn’t respond’. She then quickly dropped the conversation and left. I know she went into my room to change the thermostat and I’m irritated that she didn’t text me or let me know when I came back that she did (and that she lied to my face). I also feel violated in the sense that she knew I was gone and tried to play me for a fool when I questioned her about my room. She knows I have had roommate/suitemate issues in the past and have a hard time coming forward (I’d rather grin and bear it to keep the pace than speak up and have a situation like I previously had) to defend myself and my feelings.
I know her roommate left because of her behavior and the fact that nothing was done when that behavior was criticized.
Am I the jerk here? Should I give her more of a benefit of the doubt? I let my RA know and have been trying to take care of it but it’s hard when I want to be concious of her habits and all that. I’m just at a loss of what to do.
Print this out and hand it to your RA.
As for the toilet paper, take your roll with you and hide the paper in your closet. She’s not being very green when she goes through rolls quickly. You could buy rough, cheapie TP.
Post a schedule of cleaning. If she takes it down, make sure you’ve taken pictures beforehand.
You need to have a conversation, together with your RA present, about the lack of cleaning.
She obviously doesn’t have friends and tries to use yours. So, feel sorry for her, but that’s where it stops.
When your friends come over, close your door firmly by putting furniture in front of your door, or sit against the door. Don’t let her into your room. She’s going to have to talk to you through the door. I know it sounds harsh, but short of moving out, both of you need to work together.
I agree with @auntbea. I would take my own roll of tissue when I go into the bath. I really wouldn’t be so concerned about whether she is satisfied with my cleaning or not because it seems that she is very insecure. I would clean my side and clean prior to using and behind myself. As far as her coming into my room, I’d probably make it clear that I want to have a civil relationship but am asking her to not come uninvited.
Wearing shower shoes and covering the toilet seat aren’t a reflection of how clean the room is. Maybe you should quit evaluating her personal habits. They really aren’t your business.
Does each room have a thermostat or just yours? If the only thermostat is in your room, how was she supposed to change it without going into your room?
If you expect her to make changes then you need to be willing to make some too.
You can’t make her “deep clean” the bathroom every week. And you don’t get to “criticize” other adults and expect them to change their behavior because you said so.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her? It sounds like neither of you are communicating very well. She can’t read your mind. You’re going to have to talk with her and be able to make some compromises as well as ask for them.
Does this mean that you can’t shut the bathroom door and effectively lock her out of your room when you leave, or when you don’t want her to come in (which sounds like always)?
As for the bathroom stuff I think you have to just deal with it, as in ignore it. If your door can lock, use the toilet paper solution recommended above (if not, sounds like she’ll come in and look for it). Having issues with bathroom timing happens, Issues with bathroom cleaning are also super common. It sounds like she is trying to set you off with her behavior and you’re falling into it.
Your relationship has deteriorated and you’re both coming off of your own separate roommate problems. Try to talk it out and work it out, or if you are “done”, just keep your room secure, keep your half of the bathroom clean, and ignore the rest of her bathroom issues and habits.
I think you and your suitemate’s biggest problem is lack of effective, friendly communication.
Another problem is a misunderstanding of motive. Here is one thing you said.
You jump to the conclusion that your suitemate is making the decision to get in the shower at that time for the sole reason of making your life unpleasant. That would be exhausting for her to keep up in this and other scenarios. Instead of assuming the worst in this particular situation, consider this.
Maybe your suitemate wakes up, lies around in bed, and procrastinates away the morning watching videos or reading. She hears you return to your room and she realizes that if she doesn’t get in the shower right way, she’ll have to wait 20 or 30 minutes until you finish your shower before she takes her shower and heads out for classes. So, she rushes into the bathroom to take the shower she should have taken 30 minutes earlier. If you don’t assume she has nefarious motives, it might help you feel more comfortable about your suitemate.
I would try to have a talk with her about your schedules in the bathroom. I would also ask her to contribute to toilet paper and cleaning materials. If she says no then I would let it go and bring your own TP when you go to the bathroom and see how long she will last.
My daughter is sharing a 2 bedroom with a nice apartment mate. She is lovely, except bad at cleaning the bathroom, so my D cleans it to the way she likes it. Your roommate isn’t lovely, but I would still just clean and not expect her to do it (it’s not worth it).
As far as your roommate coming to your room uninvited, I would keep your door locked except when you go to the bathroom. Don’t let her in even when she knocks. Just because you share a bathroom it doesn’t mean you need to be friends.
I greatly appreciate everyone’s responses and I feel I should be a bit clear regarding the temperature gauge and bathroom door. I have the gauge in my room as one controls four rooms. I understand that it is reasonable to allow her to change it as she wants (and I have let her do so before), however I don’t appreciate that she went into my room and then lied to my face about it when I confronted her and then, after presenting evidence that she did, proceeded to backtrack and use the grave illness of someone close to me as an excuse as to why she didn’t send me a text letting me know and/or lied to my face. I just wanted some transparency regarding the situation and there was none. As for the bathroom door, due to some fools that locked their roommates in the bathrooms last year thus creating fire hazards, the locks on the doors that separate the rooms from the bathrooms have been removed so the doors don’t lock meaning she can essentially go into my room anytime she wants to unless if I set up a barricade (which I have).