<p>My freshman daughter is looking for advice on how to deal with a suite mate who is causing her some difficulty. (Please don't lecture me on she has to deal with this on her own, she is an adult etc. - she asked for advice and I would like to provide her good advice). </p>
<p>My daughter has a single room which is connected through a common bath to another single room. The other girl has not been particularly friendly (had a social circle already in place in the city including boyfriend and family). My daughter is a little bit of a night owl (although she does have 8 am classes a few days). On the days she doesn't, she goes to bed around 1 am and likes to shower before going to bed. The suite mate has yelled at her several time complaining that she is showering too late and it is disturbing her (the bathroom is a connecting room, not physically in either of their rooms, the shower is on my daughter's side, and my daughter is not using a hairdryer so the only noise is the running water.)</p>
<p>Right before Thanksgiving it reached a peak and the suite mate claimed she wanted a new room for the spring term. My daughter told her what a good suite mate she is - keeps her room and bath clean, does not come in drink and puke all over the bath, does not have noisy crowds in her room, etc. The suite mate does sometimes have her boyfriend sleep over (and I assume use their shared bath - although I don't know if he uses their shower.)</p>
<p>My daughter has tried, unsuccessfully to change her hours, which is causing her stress she does not need right before finals (if she gets in too late then she tries to just wash up without taking a shower.) </p>
<p>I think she has a right to shower in the common bath at any hour she wants as long as she is not singing in the shower or using a noisy hairdryer. </p>
<p>What should I advice her to do - shower when she wants or not? - how should she answer her suite mate when she complains? - should she go to the RA or should the suite mate?</p>
<p>Thanks for any advice which I can pass on to her.</p>
<p>If this is the suitemate’s only complaint, I think your daughter should accommodate her. It doesn’t sound as though she’s an unreasonable person. </p>
<p>Could your daughter agree not to take showers late at night unless she has been doing something (like playing a sport) that has gotten her so sweaty or dirty that she would get her bed filthy if she goes to bed without taking a shower?</p>
<p>I think your daughter is being inconsiderate. If the suitemate says it disturbs her when the shower runs at 1 am on a weeknight (I’d expect a lot more latitude on the weekend), your daughter should take her word for it (why would she lie?) and adjust her schedule. Living in a dorm situation means making a number of accommodations. This one is really minor. The world won’t end if your daughter showers in the morning. Your daughter should count herself lucky to have a single room and a bathroom she shares with only one other person. That’s a far better situation than what most college kids have to deal with.</p>
<p>Some people just should not live together. It is not your daughters fault. If she has tried to make changes to accommodate the suitemate, that is the best she can do. </p>
<p>1am is not that late for a college student. </p>
<p>I vote for letting the suitmate go to the ra and change rooms if she wants to. Otherwise, continue to be considerate and communicate with the suitemate as she will allow. </p>
<p>Sounds like the suitemate may have unrealistic expectations with lots of people she would be paired with. My guess is that she would complain if someone took a shower too early in the morning too. </p>
<p>As someone who used to have a bedroom close to the shower and who was disturbed by it every.single.morning. when my H got up well before I did, I will tell you that the roommate has a legitimate complaint. I read recently about how it’s possible for people to sleep through some sounds and bothered by others, and the main reason something wakes people up is when it’s a sudden on/off kind of thing rather than constant, like a radio or TV in the background. A midddle-of-the-night shower would fit into the intermittant catagory.</p>
<p>Why on earth does your D need to shower at that time? Can’t she shower at a more reasonable time and still stay up late? Or just wait until morning? If I was being awakened in the midde of the night for weeks on end, I’d snap too. What finally worked in my family is that we moved-and the shower isn’t next to my wall anymore. Until then, I woke up every morning sooner than I needed to. But at least it wasn’t the middle of the night. If it had been, I’d probably be divorced now, and I’m only half-kidding.</p>
<p>I have to agree with the suitemate. Your DD can still go to bed at 1:00 AM but shower at 10:00 or something. It’s a pretty easy accommodation and yes, the running water through the pipes can be PLENTY loud.</p>
<p>I think your daughter is in the wrong. The sound of a shower can be very loud and disruptive. My husband works a funky schedule and comes in at around 2 am much of the time. He doesn’t come to bed in our room because the sound of the shower and the opening and closing of doors and such would wake up the entire house. Your daughter is showering too late. I wonder if the people on the floor below her or across the hall hear it, too.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m actually with the suitemate on that one. In our house one of the bathrooms is right next to a bedroom, and I know that if someone showers or flushes in the bedroom, it would wake up someone in the adjoining room. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request by the suitemate (we certainly her much worse stories out here!). Your D should negotiate what time is okay with the suitemate (say, prior to 11 pm?). And then do it. This is just part of living with another person to accomodate reasonable requests, especially if the other person is pretty courteous and a decent roommate.</p>
<p>If things are otherwise good with the suitemate, change the shower time. Why? Well, changing your shower time is a small thing. I assume the suitemate asked nicely (at least the first time). A new suitemate, should this one move out, may ask for a whole lot more, and your D could easily find herself in a situation where she’s wishing the only thing her suitemate complained about was the time she took a shower. Now, if suitemate is fussy about everything, let her go see the RA and move out.</p>
<p>I lived in Switzerland for several years where it was common for apartments (and whole cities) to have rules regarding showering times, laundry times, opening the window times- you name it. These rules ensured that everyone lived together peaceably and almost never had to confront a neighbor about inconsiderate behavior. The weekday shower/bath cutoff was somewhere around 10 pm. Some people need to sleep by 10 pm or even earlier if they are to function well the next day. I fault the college for putting a night owl in an adjoining room with an early bird. This is something that should have been indicated on the survey kids fill out before being assigned to rooms. Living harmoniously is all about compromise, and it doesn’t sound like these two young adults are able or willing to work on their compatibility. Why is your daughter unhappy about getting a different suite mate? It seems this would be the best solution for everyone.</p>
<p>This seems like a relatively easy accommodation for your daughter to make. How hard could it be to shower a couple hours earlier (or in the morning)? Obviously the noise is bothering the suitemate - why else would she complain (and complain multiple times)? Whether the suitemate is friendly or not is beside the point, and whether your daughter is otherwise a good suitemate is as well if this is a deal breaker for the suitemate. Heck, I might prefer cleaning puke up in the bathroom on the occasional weekend to being constantly awakened by the shower at 1 am. If your daughter wants to stay with this suitemate, she needs to be more considerate. If she doesn’t care, then she can continue to shower in the wee hours and let the suitemate go to the RA. But your daughter should ask herself how she would like it if there was something the suitemate did that bothered her and when she asked her to be more considerate the suitemate continued to do the bothersome thing. It’s a two way street.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. I am a light sleeper and I don’t want to hear a shower running at 1 am. If your daughter wants to shower then, perhaps there is a common bathroom area with a shower she can use instead. She can just wear a thick bathrobe walking back and forth.</p>
<p>1 a.m. is not late for college. I say let the suitemate go a get a different room in the spring. it doesn’t sound like the suitemate is friendly anyway. If she already has a circle of friends perhaps she is just using this as an excuse to get your DD to move so one of her friends can be her suitemate. </p>
<p>or given the fact the boyfriend is “sleeping” over perhaps the shower noise isn’t waking her up but instead distracting her and her boyfriend…</p>
<p>I’m a night owl as well but if this is seriously the roommate’s only gripe, then accommodate it. Unless she’s going for midnight runs, there’s no reason to not take a shower earlier.</p>
<p>I have to agree with most on here. Seems like a small change to make to shower by 11, or whatever. If the suitemate leaves, you don’t know what kind of crazy your dd might get midyear. I mean, if the new suitemate also is moving midyear there must have been a problem on that end, and it could have been a lot worse than what your dd is trading.</p>
<p>OP, what if your daughter was in the suitemate’s situation (leaving aside the boyfriend and the social connections, which might influence both their feelings, but have nothing to do with the shower)? If she vented to you about hearing the shower late at night, would you tell her to suck it up? or would you consider her the aggrieved party? What does it mean that your daughter “tried unsuccessfully to change her hours”? How can she be unsuccessful at showering earlier? And how can changing a shower time be a significant source of stress, to either her or you?
Also probably a lot more to the story about why they’re unhappy with each other, most of it less concrete than the shower schedule.</p>
<p>Your daughter is very fortunate to have a single, as well as such a considerate suitemate. Most kids aren’t that lucky. </p>
<p>As it happens, we have a similar shower issue in our house. My kids (a senior and sophomore in high school) are light sleepers and it really bothers one if the other takes a shower late at night in their shared bathroom, so they now have a no showering after 10 p.m. rule. If you miss your shower and really need one, you have to get up earlier and take it in the morning. </p>
<p>This has been a good policy for them and I recommend that your daughter and her suitemate try it out. If this is the only compromise she has to make this year, she is very fortunate! Most kids have to deal with noise and light from a roommate in the room with them, as well as drinking, sex and other issues.</p>
And if it wasn’t, the suitemate wouldn’t be complaining about it since it seems that this is the only issue and not a red herring.</p>
<p>I think your D should simply shower earlier. Even when she says “1am” she may be leaning in her own favor so maybe some of those showers are even later. </p>
<p>Looking at it practically, the suitemate is trying to be asleep before 1am but your D is just saying she doesn’t want to shower at other times she’s already awake so it s/b easier for your D to shift her shower a little earlier than for the mate to try to not get woken up at 1 or 2 in the morning.</p>
<p>Has there been an issue with the converse - i.e. the suitemate taking a shower at 6 or 7 am and waking up your D? How would your D feel about it if the suitemate did that?</p>
<p>Some showers can be loud so it’s something people need to consider. It’s typical for students with shared facilities like this (and it gets even worse with 3 roomies in each of 2 rooms sharing a common adjoining bathroom) to have to work out an arrangement of who’s taking a shower when. It usually sorts itself out and usually people need to be flexible and take a shower at other than the time they’d rather do it if they were completely on their own. This includes ‘exclusion time periods’ during which con one should be making undue noise which includes the shower apparently at this dorm.</p>
<p>Your D s/b flexible and just take a shower earlier. It’s a small effort for her to do this polite and accommodating thing to be able to live harmoniously with others.</p>
<p>Showers are loud. Our kids bath has a common wall with our bedroom and their showers will wake me up. So I know I would be upset if I was asleep or falling asleep and my roommate started a shower at 1 AM. I also had a roommate in college who had alot of anxiety and taking showers at odd hours was her method of coping. If your D showers at 1 AM are to relieve tension and get to sleep which showering earlier in the night would not accomplish, perhaps you can help her find a better way to relieve tension and anxiety. I also think your D should try and accommodate the suite mate’s request.</p>