<p>Wow, you are dealing with a lot. Have you and your husband ever worked with a financial counselor or a psychotherapist? From my past experience working as a therapist, so much of the stress in a marriage is about money. You have a big challenge with your husband and his family; I suggest you get some help with dealing with that (no offense intended). Your objectives seem very different.</p>
<p>Many folks have given great advice for books to read. Most have the same message about consumption. Less material consumption will allow you and your kids to have more.</p>
<p>Preparing kids to be successful in top colleges involves social capital as well as a good education. Social capital can involve activities such as music lessons (can run from $40-$120 an hour depending on the teacher), music instruments (by HS the instrument can be more expensive than a midrange car), special outside playing groups such as youth symphony (5 years ago we were paying $100 a month), USS swimming (or other sport-we did swimming for 10 years-roughly $350 a month on the tuition alone five years ago. I know ballet, gymnastics and travel team ball sports can cost just as much as swimming or more), summer camps, school sponsored trips, music festivals or athletic camps, summer science internships, social dance, family travels-lots of possibilities. You have a lot of kids to enrich. Have you and your husband looked at these expenses for your young children? Maybe you are already familiar with these things from your older child-my apologies if I am stating the obvious. </p>
<p>One point to mention (and pardon if it has - I only scanned this thread) is if your child needs accommodations or services because of an IEP or 504 plan, it’s much harder receiving them in a private placement, particularly if it’s not agreed upon in the IEP or 504. It sounds like it’s not an issue for OP but wanted to throw it out there.</p>
<p>@Proudpatriot No, I’m not upset Sorry if I came across like that. I was just letting you know that I’m comfortable. </p>
<p>@hornet It hasn’t really put a strain on our marriage, so I’m not sure a therapist will help with anything. But I definitely would consider looking into a counselor. Oldest d has been into gymnastics and tumbling since she was a toddler. That has ended up being a bigger commitment than I thought when I look back and count the money that we spent on it. My son has been playing lacrosse for a few years and my youngest daughter been into piano.</p>
<p>I don’t believe in making my children commit to more than 2 activies each. If they are interested in something, I’ll support them, but I don’t think that it is right to kinda push kids into doing activities because you want to keep them busy.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that you do that, I’m just saying how I feel about activities.</p>
<p>Good point, BTMell. I’ve known several families whose kids thrived in public school after languishing in private, because for the first time they were getting truly professional help with LDs. Even though the parents had been paying extra for tutoring for years. (I’m sure that there are some privates that are more successful in helping such students.)</p>
<p>As we know, this is one of the many things where there is no one right answer. It all depends on the kid involved and the schools involved. Every single characteristic claimed for publics and privates above can be reversed, depending on the school. And private schools are not the same. Some offer more structure. Some offer less. One thing is certain: people only know how their kid did in the school(s) they actually attended, and speculating about how they would have done elsewhere is just that: speculation. Especially those statements that “At the private, my kid was only top 25%, but at the public they would have been top 5%.” I see that all the time, here, from students and parents alike. It is not uncommon for the smartest, more successful students to stay in public, and the kids whose parents think they will be overlooked to go private. If the kid transferred to the public school, they might be taken aback to discover that the top 5-10% was occupied by extremely bright, talented students who were destined for top colleges and universities, and it wasn’t as easy to crack that as they thought. </p>
<p>Perhaps your husband should practice telling his relatives that if they want him to spend money on expensive things for their notions of prestige, they should put their money where their mouth is and pay for such expensive things themselves.</p>
<p>Anniebeats-I agree about no more than two activities. My kids swam and after several years of piano, settled stringed instruments (though one continued to take piano along with their stringed instrument for many years). I listed a lot of activities as a sample of things that can be quite expensive.</p>
<p>Most school systems and individual high schools will provide stat sheets that include SAT averages from year-to-year and where students were admitted to colleges. A lot of top private schools will publish this information on their websites. Reviewing this information might help in the decisioning.</p>
<p>Consolation-I agree with your comment about no right answer. My son feels that his HS was too competitive and stressful. I have often wondered if that contributed to his shyness or, on the other hand, the fact that he was well prepared for college with this school allowed him to excel in college. One will never know what contributed to the outcome.</p>
<p>Honestly, over time I’ve come to the belief that private schools for middle and high school usually aren’t worth it unless you live in an area with absolutely horrible public schools. And honestly, if your financial situation allows you to consider private schools, it might be more worth it for you to move to an area with better public schools: the higher mortgage you pay will usually also have the added benefit of allowing you to live in a nicer neighborhood.</p>
<p>Now, of course there are some exceptions: if you can get into a good private school on scholarship, or if you want to send your kid to private school for religious reasons, then go for it, but for most people a good suburban public or magnet school is typically the best option.</p>
<p>I came to the opposite conclusion.
I wanted to live in a city neighbohood, with the amenities of the city, including a walkable neighborhood and more socio economic diversity than we would likely have in the suburbs.
We did have to pay for tutoring and for enrichment programs, and we have a smaller house and lot than we would have had in the suburbs, but I grew up in the suburbs and I hated that sitting in cars was a given as it isnt safe to bike many places, public transportation within the suburb sucked and walking took so long/ no sidewalks.</p>
<p>One note about the supposed “civility” in privates. A family acquaintance sent her son to an elite private in SoCal. This was either 6th or 7th grade, I forget which. After a few months the kid would come home in tears - finally confessing he was being bullied. Apparently a group of mean-girl-type kids (it was a coed group that sort of dominated the school socially) was after the boy. The school tried to intervene, but the kids’ behavior simply “went underground,” and the boy had the added burden that he was perceived as having squeeled to his parents. He finished out the year, but absolutely refused to return after the summer. He was sent to a public in the fall, where he thrived. Later I heard that this school had a bit of a reputation (not a good one) as far as cliques and peer pressure was concerned. </p>
<p>Is there a better school district you could move to? Even if housing is more expensive, you will save the private school cost. Plus you could use some of the money for enrichment opportunities.</p>
<p>"Especially those statements that “At the private, my kid was only top 25%, but at the public they would have been top 5%.” </p>
<p>Actually, I said that it could be this way or a kid could do worse in rank in public vs private especially if a kid is the type that aims at trying to do the minimum work. </p>
<p>When I referenced manners, I wasn’t necessarily indicating that the in school social setting in a private middle school was necessarily different than public. Bullying and cliques are everywhere in schools over a certain size. I think very small privates have less of it. I do think though that working hard and intellect are generally admired and not bashed. But there is still a social hierarchy and sadly those at the bottom suffer. What can potentially be worse is in a smaller setting they may not be able to find as many friends to comfortably band together. So bullying issues could be magnified potentially.</p>
<p>However, in terms of the type of manners that will ultimately help kids in life - - private school kids generally display those in huge measure. They know how to shake your hand, look you in the eye, speak confidently, use a strong vocabulary, make small talk, use humor in their conversations, hold doors open, say please and thank you, etc. These things may seems superficial, but I point it out because I feel like my kids did learn them by emulating peers as opposed to my nagging.</p>
<p>This has been my general observation as well. I do think most kids will learn these skills eventually, but it does perhaps give the private schoolers an early leg up in interviewing. </p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread, so I don’t know if another point of consideration has already been mentioned - if your child plans to stay or return to the area post college, a particular high school can be a strong networking tool. At least that’s the way it is in Philadelphia. Your diploma from the Prep, or GA, or Masterman (actually a public magnet) can mean more for your career opportunities than a degree from Penn. Of course, most 14 year olds don’t have any idea where they’ll be living in 10 years, but I do think future networking is worth consideration, depending of course upon the kid. </p>
<p>There are so many different schools and so many different kids, there is never going to be a one size fits all answer to the best way to educate a child. </p>
<p>Our public school options were unacceptable. Private school was WELL worth it. However, we did not send them there for the purpose of getting them into elite colleges, nor did we assume that having attended these schools automatically made them superior in any way academically to their public school educated peers. It really depends upon the individual as well as the particular schools.</p>
<p>@YoHoYoHo I wasn’t referring to your post, but to many others made on many threads by both parents and kids. Sorry I did not make that clear. :)</p>
<p>"As a single parent, I love the civility cultivated at our private school. "</p>
<p>This is an example of one generalization I think one can make about private schools – many parents seek them out because of a stated philosophy or set of values the school tries to put into practice. Those might be religious values, academic values, cultural values, etc. If this is important to you, and your public options don’t express the same set of values that you want to surround your child, then a private school might well be worth it.</p>
<p>We found this to be the case as well. Even though many of the kids at the private my kids went to were not of the same socioeconomic level as those at the public (affluent area), they seemed to have absorbed a certain kind of social intelligence. I attribute it partly to the teacher/student ratio at the private, where it’s clear that the teachers and staff run things- not the students. The kids have a lot of opportunities to interact with their teachers in a more personal way, which breeds a certain mutual respect.</p>
<p>I’m always struck by how the cross country runners of our local private greet me when I’m walking my dog on the trails around our neighborhood, and they’re doing their weekend practice runs. They don’t know me from Adam, as it’s been years since my kids attended, but I still get a “Hi”, or “Morning!” when they swiftly run past me. Every kid. When the public school kids pass (and they are mostly great kids, don’t get me wrong) I might as well be invisible. It’s just a little thing, but it’s indicative of a certain comfort level and confidence that comes from a lot of interaction with many caring grown-ups.</p>
<p>“However, in terms of the type of manners that will ultimately help kids in life - - private school kids generally display those in huge measure. They know how to shake your hand, look you in the eye, speak confidently, use a strong vocabulary, make small talk, use humor in their conversations, hold doors open, say please and thank you, etc. These things may seems superficial, but I point it out because I feel like my kids did learn them by emulating peers as opposed to my nagging.”</p>
<p>As usual, Amarylandmom explains it so clearly above and in a post much further up. (Maybe our kids go to the same school?)
My kids and many other kids at the private schools attended cottillion, where the kids were taught how to make small talk, dance, eat from the correct bread plate etc. along with the other skills noted above. For example, when departing a party that hostess has thrown, that the kids should
Find the host/hostess
Look them straight in the eye
Thank them for the party
Shake their hand
And say, “I particularly enjoyed…” and mention something in detail
They were required to do this at the end of each cottillion session, of the middle school years, so it became a habit;
Since some of the kids went to cottillion and learned this, it rubs off on many of the other private school kids that did not go to cottillion, I guess.</p>
<p>Our public schools have Cotillion. I’m not sure it rubbed off on many of them. But frankly, the sheer number of students in most public schools verses a small private really dilutes the positive adult influence. </p>
Sorry if I came across like that. I was just letting you know that I’m comfortable. </p>