<p>Modadunn,</p>
<p>My son felt so out of control due to the art/science method of admissions that we had to remind him that every additional supplemental or essay was one more chance to be in control later by having more choices.</p>
<p>you guys cannot be serious, we are the ones whose future is at sake here, you guys r probly set, where we get in and attend will affect our lives way more than yours</p>
<p>^I know it’s hard to believe, but wait and see. When you become a parent, you will be shocked to learn (as was I) that I actually cared MORE about my child’s well-being than my own well-being. Who knew? </p>
<p>So the hypothetical train is coming down the track, I’d throw myself onto the track to knock my child to safety; I’d choose to be the one to get cancer over my child; and so on. Suppose I was given some kind of faustian dilemma, my career vs. my childs? No brainer. </p>
<p>I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s why your parents can be so damn annoying!</p>
<p>starbright: What you say is true, however if you’ve ever been in a very difficult situation with a child, you quickly realize how little control you have and that their future is completely their doing.</p>
<p>It has been said that becoming a parent is to allow your heart to walk around outside your body for the rest of your life. It’s true, and that’s why any hurt or disappointment to our children is so hard on us.</p>
<p>DocT-- could not agree with you more! And oh how early on you see that truth (though how long it takes some of us to actually accept it/come to terms with it is another story).</p>
<p>I love what chedva said</p>
<p>In my particular situation, I think that the whole process is harder on me. It is harder because the entire time, my father does not see me at my best. He sees me at my worst. He does not seem to see the range of my performance. Sometimes I am at 100%, other times, 60% (if I’m lucky). He constantly sees me at 60%. </p>
<p>His ignorance of college admissions, mistaken ideals and rather unusual expectations has taken is toll on me. He even went as far as to yell at me that if I don’t see my counselor more often, I won’t get into ANY college, since the counselor is obviously the most powerful figure in the school! While at some schools, kids have a close relationship with their counselors, kids in my school rarely meet with their counselors except for changing schedules, academic meetings, or disciplinary meetings.</p>
<p>I jokingly told him that I was pretty sure that Baylor and Texas A&M should be safeties; he yells at me for being pretentious and that college is never a sure thing. Not to sound conceited, but I think that a 2270/2400 and taking the most rigorous schedule I can at a Top 200 Newsweek school would give me pretty good chances, especially with me living instate.</p>
<p>This is also the father who has my grades set up so that every time my grade point average changes by 1 point, he gets an email. He doesn’t seem to understand that the grades I have at that point in time is not the grade I am going to get on my report card. THERE WILL BE MORE GRADES! He tries not to talk about it, but every time my grade changes, his countenance changes. He is not as good at hiding his feelings as he thinks he is. Because of this change in attitude, I feel a great deal more pressure to perform better.</p>
<p>Also, on advice. My father doesn’t listen to his own family. Rather, advice from friends seem to be word of gospel. For example, back in 2004 or 2005 , my mom wanted desperately to buy gold (about $400 an ounce). She organized literally everything; all he had to do was to agree. She had the companies chosen and several sources of who to sell gold to in case they needed to cash out. My dad completely disagreed and was afraid of losing money. As we all saw, gold prices doubled. A friend(company friend) recommended stocks to my dad. Guess what? He bought the stock. The stock plummeted and is worth half of what it cost. This actually happened twice. This attitude is also apparent in college selection. Originally, my dad would only suggest colleges that were on the lower tier (I’m not bashing the lower tier colleges, but I really wanted to aim higher) since in his mind, I was not good enough. Any mention of Ivy League would be met with snorts of derision accompanied by a comment of “You wish. Your head is in the clouds.” Thanks to a college counselor, I was able to apply to reach schools.</p>
<p>Admittedly, I am who I am because of my experiences and my mother and father’s values. I realize that he does care about me (he’s willing to spend for almost anything as long as it’s for “educational” purposes), but sometimes it grates on my nerves whenever he degrades me. I don’t know if I come off as sounding sheltered, but this is how I perceived the college process. There was way more pressure on me since if I didn’t get into my reach schools, it would be a “I told you so” from my father.</p>
<p>*Got that off my chest =D</p>
<p>I 100% agree with Nick017. I know that parents’ hearts are invested in the happiness of their children, but if a parent has invested more in the actual APPLICATION PROCESS than the child has, then somewhere the priorities got skewed.</p>
<p>In our house, it is much harder on the kids. At this point, it is our son who is applying and he has never been a source of great drama (unlike my daughter at times, though her volatility has been dampening dramatically to the great appreciation of both my wife and me.)</p>
<p>But, he’s got to write all of the essays (as a dyslexic, he often like to dictate when he can and I’ve been scribe at times) for the many applications he’s submitting and he’s the one who had to study for and take 8 standardized tests. He’s got incredibly high standards for himself, so he goes into every test intending to get an A+ or equivalent. So, he’s doing 5 or 6 rewrites on everything and a few rethinks but it does appear to be producing some lovely essays. I just kibbitz if he asks. Plus, I’ve worked with him on overall strategy (i.e., What is the point you want the folks to get from each essay? How do we make sure people get a full sense of who you are?) And, there were a couple of recommendations that I requested (e.g., the superintendent of our school district had interacted with him and had followed him because she approved his partial homeschooling program at the HS and he was the first kid in the district to do so but I’d spoken with her more than he had so I asked.) </p>
<p>But, I’ve discussed with him the crapshoot that this process seems to pose. I think he has a good chance at a lot of good schools, but this process is just crazy. I’d be more worried if he had fallen in love with one school, but he decided on his own to do very few visits so as not to fall in love. As far as I’m concerned, he deserves to get in everyplace as he’s done everything right will marching to his own drum, but the simple reality is that he will get rejected from some schools and possibly the ones he thinks are the best for him. We’ve been very clear that if he doesn’t get in, it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the screwiness of the world. But, I think the process is much harder on him than on us.</p>
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<p>In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. ;)</p>
<p>As much as I may hurt if dearie is not accepted where she wants to be accepted (med school now, done with UG apps), I know I don’t have any real skin in the game.</p>
<p>In my case (and, I think, my sister’s, which was more recent), I think it was harder on my mom than it was on us, just because of personality differences. My mom tends to expect the worst-case scenario and was more worried than we were about us not getting in anywhere.</p>
<p>Great line, curmudgeon! </p>
<p>I have not gone through college app rejections but so far I know that my D is far more invested in all this than I am. And yet, I am probably invested a lot more than I should be.</p>
<p>I think it’s hardest on the younger sister, who is REALLY tired of hearing about it.</p>
<p>woami: Oh, wow. That email brought back so many thoughts into my head. I’m not exactly sure what to say to you. I still remember what is now known in my family as the “physics fight.” I earned a B plus in that class, and my dad told me I didn’t earn it. This infuriated me. I had gone through my entire life getting great grades, working for a congressman, working through high school, doing AP classes (they didn’t have a lot of them then, but I did them), doing all the high school plays, clubs, etc., class president, church choir, all of that. I got into Cal Berkeley… which I will admit was far easier to do then than it is now, but was still quite an accomplishment. When my Dad said I didn’t deserve that grade, I literally saw red for the first time. Then I used a rather strong four letter word in his general direction for the first time (rhymes with “luck” and add a “you”) and stormed out of the house. I was done with him.</p>
<p>I’m happy to report that finally blowing up at him was all it took for him to realize his expectations were too high. We are close again now, and I value every minute with him as he fights prostate cancer.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting you cuss out your dad. But I know where you are. I’ve been there.</p>
<p>But I understand him better now. </p>
<p>We parents do put way too high expectations on our kids. Sometimes its because we worry. In this time of economic uncertainty, it is very hard not to. We don’t know what their futures will be. If they don’t get a good education, will they ever be able to make a living? What will become of them, especially when we are gone. They certainly will not have the economic advantages many of us have had.</p>
<p>Sometimes its because we missed opportunities and we, in part, live vicariously through our children. We made poor choices, or didn’t pursue our talents or ambitions (doctor, lawyer, whatever) and we wish our children to do this instead. So we push our children into this direction, often kicking and screaming.</p>
<p>Sometimes its because we are keeping up with the Joneses. We hear at PTA meetings or from our mother-in-law how great this child is, and Tommy went varsity in this sport, and Mary got all A’s and we want our children that we know are sooooo much better than those idiots to be just as good. We don’t accept our children for the wonderful unique indidivuals that they are even if they aren’t varsity or straight A students.</p>
<p>So, parents aren’t perfect. Big surprise. Welcome to the real world.</p>
<p>Long ago I decided I wasn’t going to make my kids be doctors or lawyers. They have one job - go to school and study hard. I do have the expectation that they will work at what they do. But I also recognize one D excels at certain things (math), and the other doesn’t. One D is the star performer, the other the writer. One sings like an angel, the other is a jock. Each has their individual and unique, beautiful things about them. </p>
<p>Long ago I also decided that they could be what they want to be. For my oldest D, this choice scares the crud out of me. She wants to pursue Acting. 90% of actors are unemployed at any given time. But being in the theatre world gives her joy, so she is going to pursue a BFA and we will see what happens. My youngest really hasn’t a clue what she wants, but who cares? Just because I knew what I wanted to be when I was 9 doesn’t mean she needs to know at 14… or 18… or 21 for that matter.</p>
<p>The hardest part for me, though, is the tears. Long ago I decided I would do everything I could to make sure my Ds had happy lives. Long ago I realized I have little actual control over that. This is the hardest part for me. This college application process brings home to me how little control I have over their ultimate happiness. It makes me feel helpless. I can’t easily kiss this booboo and make it all better. I can’t make the uncertainty of this year go away. I just have to reassure, all the time I feel the same anxiety and additional concern that my D is not really ready to leave the nest. Or maybe I’m not ready to let her leave the nest. One or the other.</p>
<p>This is what makes this process hard on me…</p>
<p>woami: I’m thinking of you. I’m hoping and wishing for you. I hope that someday, you and your dad will find common ground. But in the meantime, know that you sound like an absolutely amazing kid and I would be very proud if you were mine…</p>