<p>I think that sometimes the process is harder on us parents than it is on our kids. We can't help but be protective and want to make everything better for our children. And when someone rejects our perfect little angels, we take it so personally. If they are crying or upset, we feel it so deeply. We can't help it. It is a reflection on us as well. But we are supposed to be the strong ones, the enlightened ones, so we have to be like Yoda and impart words of wisdom and strength when inside, our hearts our breaking for our children.</p>
<p>How's everyone coping with this dual role we have to play.... dealing with our own feelings of hurt at the same time we are trying to "kiss the booboos" on our nearly grown children?</p>
<p>Pretend you have some “professional distance” and “perspective”. What you say to your pillow stays in the pillow. If the pillow rats you out, burn it after beating it senseless.</p>
<p>I am always more nervous for my d when she has a performance or an interview than she is. Same with the admissions process when she was going through it. And I am more nervous for her than I am for myself when faced with the same tasks.</p>
<p>The reason is simple: When it’s for her, I have absolutely no control. I am powerless. She must do everything that needs to be done. She can accept my advice if I have any to share, or she can reject it. And of course, as a parent, I think my kid is great - why wouldn’t they accept her/cast her/elect her? I would do anything to protect her from hurt. But this again is out of my power - I have no control.</p>
<p>How do I deal with it? Two words (which I learned from a wise member of these boards): Duct tape. Applied firmly over the mouth when I want to nag or offer unsolicited advice. Then stand back with the arms wide open, the shoulder available and the tissues at the ready. And the confetti in the closet if the answer is good.</p>
<p>Thank you Chevda. I am going straight to the garage to pull out the duct tape now. My daughter gets home later today for Winter Break after a difficult but productive first semester as a freshman. I have lots of advice to give, but I’m probably not going to be invited to give it.</p>
<p>Doc T- There is often some disagreement over what constitutes advice and what constitutes nagging. I have been caught before thinking I’m advising and my daughter accuses me of nagging. </p>
<p>4Giggles- I feel your pain. Would you like the plain grey or the more colorful pink style?</p>
<p>I ached for my D1 two years ago during her difficult college application process. I still remember putting her to bed after all rejections came through in one day. After she fell asleep, I cried. When it was all over (after she got off all of her waitlists), she thanked me for being there for her and to be so strong when she thought the world has come to an end. I certainly didn’t feel very strong, but it was important to me that she didn’t lose self confidence over the college process. This is a tough week for many seniors with so many ED/EA results. I think it is important for them to know this one rejection shouldn’t define their HS career. It is heartbreaking to read some of those student’s posts - “after the rejection, I kept on waking up in the middle of the night thinking maybe it’s just a bad dream,” “my dream of attending ___ was just shattered in matter of seconds.” It is hard not to feel their pain, especially when it is your child.</p>
<p>I imagine so much depends on the parent and the child and the mix between the two. I’m an anxious type who gets great comfort from taking control. I also happen to think I know a lot about colleges, given I’ve spent my life in academics.</p>
<p>My D turned out to be (from a young age) someone with a high need for independence and without a shred of anxiety about anything. Of course. But it means anything that sounds remotely like advice is perceived as an attempt to control. </p>
<p>I have been learning with time, but probably too slowly, how to ‘LET HER BE!’ (she taught me that term). Or when I just can’t help myself, how to give “stealth advice” :)</p>
<p>DocT–Once, you only REALLY say things once?? that is a gift, especially if they listen, I would be happy if D listened even just half of the time. </p>
<p>Starbright, sounds like our D’s were separated at birth! </p>
<p>I am making progress, I bit my tongue twice, and now it is bleeding.</p>
<p>I just got accepted to Mudd, and it was all entirely my own process. I researched the colleges, I decided what courses to take, I motivated myself to study day and night, I made my own application, wrote my essays without help, did the activities I wanted to. This is not because my parents were unwilling to help - they would have jumped at the opportunity should I have needed any. My college, however, is my choice. My admission was my own process, very intimately linked with myself and my future.</p>
<p>I must say, I cannot relate to those of you who seem to be working harder than your own children at getting them into college. Choosing a school and getting into seems like such a personal process to me…</p>
<p>I don’t think we are talking about the getting in process. I think we are talking about cleaning up the mess when the kid doesn’t get in… My daughter did her work. She is the one who has to do the essays and do the auditions and all the work to get in. But when you are a parent, and your child doesn’t get in (congrats to you, by the way), hopefully the person the child runs to (and usually the person the child runs to) is the parent. And as a parent, you take the rejection personally as well. I think that’s what we are talking about. We have to build our child up again and at the same time, we are just as frustrated as our child… We struggle to shut our mouths and not say something damaging or wrong, to reassure, all the while we just don’t know what to do because frankly, we don’t have all the answers. Its a very hard place to be… a parent during the college admission process.</p>
<p>With one of my kid’s, once was enough, with the other once was already nagging. My wife did a better job handling this than I did with either kid.</p>
<p>My son was rejected from his number #1 and has procrastinated on the rest of his supplements. I realize he is bummed (this happened on Weds), his friends are getting their news and there’s plenty of it that’s good, and he has semester finals this upcoming week. I’d like to give him his space to do this on his own, but I just don’t think anyone in this house but me is realizing just how much has changed since 6 years ago when we were going through this with my daughter. Plus, she didn’t have nearly as competitive schools on her list as he has on his. How do I get him back on track without seeming heartless, nagging or whatever else is on the parental hate list?</p>
<p>Try asking him what you can do to help, rather than “when are you going to…”. Maybe hot chocolate, snacks, whatever or maybe he’ll ask for your input. It’s worth a try.</p>
<p>Modadunn- I’m sorry that he didn’t get into #1. Does he have a close #2, etc? Show sympathy, but be positive about the opportunities that lie ahead.</p>
<p>I think if the process is harder on the parent than the kid (as if the applying part, not the paying and making it happen part) then theres something wrong going on. The kid should bear the burden and suffer, as it is the kid who is going to be reaping the rewards. It should be the kid who wants it and is willing to sacrifice parts of his sanity and life for it. Parents need a certain distance and proximity to the application process.</p>