<p>Hey guys, I really need all the advice I can get. I'm a rising senior in high school and am progressing on the college search progress at a timely rate. My dad, however, has taken it upon himself to i) choose which schools I will be applying to without regard to their fit ii) research all the schools I will be applying to for me iii) schedule my college supplement writing process. Obviously a little help (financial, mechanical) on the way is appreciated, but at this point it is getting way too overbearing and feels like HE is applying to college rather than me. He has absolutely no regard for my role in this process, and I feel like everything is slipping out of control. I once felt excited about applying but now I'm just filled with dread and am even tempted to do a shoddy job of everything just to regain some form of control. Has anyone gone through this before? Please help! </p>
<p>Does he try to prevent you from applying to colleges that you want to attend?</p>
<p>Is he refusing to pay for any college other than those he wants you to attend?</p>
<p>Has he in the past been a “tiger parent”?</p>
<p>While it is wonderful that your Dad wants to help (and try to focus on his good intentions since there are probably Dad’s who are no help to their kids which may be worse), perhaps you can go to a neutral party (your college counselor at school or a service like “CollegeCoach”) to find a non-confrontational way of fixing the list of good fit colleges. I do suggest keeping an open mind. Dad’s can change their mind and so can kids - I was anti-Harvard but after a college visit to MIT with my son where we decided at the end to see Harvard too (and get the usual campus tour), turned out we were both much more impressed than we expected (although he decided not to apply).</p>
<p>Parents probably worry about kids getting their essays done early (like soon, … like before exams kick in at school) but they are your essays, not his.
He does realize, I hope, that having Dad actually write or help write the essay would backfire due to all the practice admissions people have with reading essays and spotting inauthentic ones :)</p>
<p>As a parent I can understand why you’re frustrated. This process should be about you but he’s taking it out of your control.</p>
<p>I’d guess that as your dad pushes you’re experiencing a natural inclination to preserve what little autonomy you have by retreating and communicating less. That, in turn, is likely to make nervous your dad nervous that you’re not handing the process. He interferes, you hide, he interferes more. It’s a vicious cycle.</p>
<p>One piece of advice we received from the college counselors at both our kids schools was to set aside a time once a week to discuss college applications. Have a real meeting each week at which you discuss progress and each party’s role in the process, but outside of that time ban the college discussion. </p>
<p>Google some terms like “advice for parents in the college process” or “parents staying sane in college applications” and you should be able to find some good essays and advice from college counselors that will encourage your dad to back off. Here’s one example.</p>
<p><a href=“The Essay Whisperer: How to Write a College Application Essay | Accepted”>http://blog.■■■■■■■■■■■■/2012/02/20/college-essay-writing-anxiety-causes-and-solutions/</a></p>
<p>So overall, my advice would be to gather some information on why you should be allowed to do your own college search then ask your dad to sit down in a meeting and calmly present your information. If you can map out a plan together he may be able to back off. It will be important that you show him real progress every week, and perhaps more often in the beginning. Let him see you doing your own research and essay writing and/or show him what you’re finding. If possible give him a role to play. (“Hey Dad, I’ve been researching X College and I think it may be right for me for these reasons…Can you run the net price calculator to see if it’s likely to be affordable/Would you mind printing out Mapquest directions so I can visit/Can you proofread my EC list for me?”) It will help him fell more in control!</p>
<p>Perhaps what you need to do is “employ” your dad to do your bidding. He gets to help, but it has to be on your terms. I’ll be the first to admit that I did most of the research for my daughter’s college search because she didn’t have the time to research the schools, and she certainly wound up at one she never would have found on her own. But she got to call the shots - she told me what she was looking for and I found it. If I hit on something she was interested in, that told me which direction she wanted to go. On occasion, I’d push the boundaries, sometimes that would open up new avenues, other times, it was “No!”. In the end, we came up with a pretty good list, made three college visit trips, and she choose her schools, which I completely agreed with.</p>
<p>So sit down with him, and say that he can help, but here are the things he needs to look for, give him your criteria. If he keeps hitting clunkers, tell him, but tell him why it doesn’t meet your needs. Let him know what you’ve found on your own, so he can research that too and buy in. This doesn’t have to be adversarial, and he can be a great help if you draw some boundaries. But as a parent, he does get to bug you about the essays - that’s his job.</p>
<p>What do you mean by “schedule my supplement writing process”? For instance, do you mean he is doing time management for you, or he has hired someone to coach you for certain hours on certain days?</p>
<p>If your father won’t listen to your need to “own” the process, perhaps you and he could meet with a guidance counselor, or even an outside therapist. It is hard to tell if this is a larger problem or particular to college applications.</p>
<p>It is very very important for you to get autonomy in this, or, as you have hinted, you may self-sabotage.</p>
<p>I suggest scheduling a time to talk with your dad about these issues. A lot of people put off confrontations until they are emotional and then they lash out, causing a similar response, and the situation deteriorates further. But if you said something like, “Dad, I would like to speak with you about my college plans. How does 7:00 tomorrow night sound?” he’s more likely to agree, and you can both enter the conversation with cool heads.</p>
<p>Further, instead of starting on the offensive, you might open the discussion by asking your dad to explain why he’s doing certain things. Then honestly evaluate his case. (You might discover he has some valid concerns.)</p>
<p>Finally, present your position and try to strike a compromise.</p>
<p>As recommended above, schedule a meeting and have it away from the usual turf. Go to a Starbucks and bring a pad of paper. Have a conversation and write down the list of roles and responsibilities for each of you in the college search/application process. That way, you do your part and your dad helps where help is needed and is ethically appropriate. It’s hard for dad to grasp that his kid growing up and becoming more responsible. Give him some slack. It’s hard to break habits established over 17 or 18 years. It was hard for me! The college application process is a growth opportunity for you BOTH to redefine your relationship in a more mature and less controlling manner.</p>
<p>I agree, it is time for an honest discussion. Make sure he knows that you appreciate his help and input but that you want to be involved as well. Talk about why you think different schools would be good options (he may have some reasoning for picking certain schools such as availability of scholarships and other financial considerations which you will need to take into account). Try to set some ground rules for how to handle the application process.</p>
<p>I’m kind of on board with the supplement writing schedule (we did that at our house). But my kids were on board, they KNEW they didn’t want to try to jam them all in over Christmas break. I would email a question with a target date for a draft, and allow at least a week of back and forth emails with some feedback and them to do revisions. We almost never talked in person, email worked great for us. Kept the nagging tone out of my voice, and the whining out of theirs. 
And in the end they decided whether to accept any feedback provided, too.</p>
<p>HOWEVER, we only did this after coming to a common agreement on what schools they would apply to! You dad may have concerns about cost (usually the biggy, and he likely IS paying, so you have to listen to him on this), distance, and… some parents are prestige hounds. 
That can be hard to deal with.</p>
<p>One piece of advice I would give you is to create your own Common App account and do not give him the password. You at least get some control over whether he submits any apps you don’t want to submit (we have seen this happen in the past!).</p>
<p>Thank you to all of you for your great advice–I have read every post and plan to follow through. This was very helpful and will take a huge weight off my shoulders; thank you all very much again!</p>
<p>
I like this idea. “Dad, here’s a list of 20 colleges I’m interested in. Could you research how hard it is to double major there, what the Greek scene is like at each, and whether the graduates tend to go to graduate school or into the workforce?” That may keep him out of your hair for a while.</p>
<p>As a parent, I may be accused of scheduling my daughter’s writing of essays…but that is because i have seen my older one go through the stress of senior year and applications. So for my younger I did tell her she needs to do it before band camp/her international friend visits/family vacation/school starts/marching band starts.</p>
<p>So if you want your dad to back off, then tell him YOUR plan. Not having a plan or "i will do it later’ is not desirable to hear as a parent. But hearing “I am going to do an outline next week after my summer program is over” is. As far as the list of colleges I agree with others. Say thanks for the list, but could you/he refine it to include collegs that have X and are in location Y and have chances of scholarships.</p>
<p>I have the dual problems of D1 not wanting to discuss anything to do with colleges or applications AT ALL, and being quite angry that I won’t commit to paying anything (my wife is out of work). </p>
<p>I have no idea most of the schools she intends to apply to, what she would have to pay at any of them, or what we can afford to contribute a year from now.</p>
<p>If I have the money, I’d be willing to pay more for some than others. This may not coincide with her preferences.</p>
<p>Another approach that you might add in conjunction with the other ideas you have already been given, is to THANK you father by taking him to coffee, and engaging him where he is–remember, he is on your side, just a bit too much on your side for your comfort. Sit down with what he has done on your behalf, and go over it with him in detail–some of it might actually be beneficial to you, so avoid throwing out the baby with the bathwater.</p>
<p>Let him know you do appreciate his concern, and what he is (trying) to do for you. As part of your discussion with him, draw him out as to what criteria he has been using in his research–what considerations have been primary for him? Make sure you actually listen to what he is saying–are finance his primary concern? Ease of travel? Urban vs. large state school? You can use this as a good jumping off point to introduce the items that are important to you in your college search–and then, as others have suggested, employ him to do some of the scut work for you, using both his criteria and yours.</p>
<p>The fact that he is doing a lot of research, etc., does not in any way stop you from doing the same. You can say to your dad, let’s get together and compare notes on the schools we have each discovered. Maybe you will each have researched certain schools; maybe you will each have found some schools the other is unfamiliar with. Use the approach that two heads are better than one.</p>
<p>Just remember that your dad is doing this out of love–he wants you to land at the perfect place! So just make him understand that the two of you need to find that place together–it’s sort of like going shopping for a prom dress, he can take you to the stores, and show you dresses he likes–but you are the one who determines that the dress fits, or not, and gets to make the final choice (again, within certain parameters that a parent gets to set, such as price, and maybe certain aspects, such as not too revealing/short etc.)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This sounds like a recipe for heartbreak in April when she gets into a number of colleges that you cannot afford to help her pay for.</p>
<p>I’m trying to encourage her to apply widely, with an eye towards likely merit aid (maybe a “just in case” application to Alabama?). </p>
<p>I also expect my wife <em>should</em> find a job by then, and we <em>should</em> be able to contribute significantly. But right now it’s a real struggle to pay the mortgage, utilities, my own student loans, etc., on one income.</p>
<p>I suspect part of your dad’s involvement is he feels out of control/worried over your leaving but also if you guys haven’t had a frank financial discussion that he is afraid you will go the “dream school” route and be disappointed so he is making sure that there are options on the table. Given that he is doing research at least he isn’t going to be one of the parents taken by surprise at the costs. </p>
<p>@FCCDAD:</p>
<p>Sounds like a risky plan. I think it’s time to have a discussion on her thought processes (what does she value; where does she want to go) as well as financial realities. Teenagers are often living in dreamland when it comes to finances (I was when I was a teen so I don’t fault them). $10K and $30K and $60K are all equally ethereal numbers.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Haha, this is exactly what I have recommended in the past for dealing with over-involved parents – although the alternative to overinvolved parents is a lot worse, IMHO. </p>
<p>Delegating the grunt work and getting nice spreadsheet a la USNews lite in return is wonderful. Asking for directions and topics for your essays is great. Asking for financial projections is great. </p>
<p>After a while, the parents will start realizing that you are pushing them in a direction that appeals to you! And if they do not realize it, you still come out ahead. </p>
<p>Obviously, I happen to put little to no credence to the notion that a 17 years old should call all the shots and take full and sole ownership of the application process. Never been impressed by the stories of parents not reading the essays (as an example) and sitting on the sidelines as the deadlines pass and … pass! </p>