<p>I'm a rising senior and I've been spending my first and second week of summer getting ready for the college admission process. I just recently wrote my first draft for the Common App essay and I think I did a pretty decent job. My father is one of the many people who will be offering feedback on my essays (scholarship/common app/writing supplements), and though at this point in time my goal is to finish first drafts for all 21 essays he expressed some concern going forward. He shared a small concern that my essay was too "flowery" and contained too much "prose." Neither of us are entirely sure of how my essay would be received because of its language. I did answer all parts of the question (I didn't get sidetracked) and I was very detailed and thoughtful in my reflection...I didn't toss a bunch of fancy vocabulary words either.. but my dad has placed some doubt/concern on my mind. Going forward I want to be sure I'm approaching these essays with the right idea in mind.</p>
<p>I am a writer and I honestly thought that I was writing in <em>my voice</em> but perhaps it's not entirely appropriate for college admission essays.... My dad said that it was an excellent write for a Creative Writing class but that maybe I should consider removing (or toning down) those elements from it. The thought of doing that is honestly a dreadful one as I sort of feel that I am removing "myself" from the equation but I will manage either way. Anyhow...</p>
<p>Any feedback on my dilemma would be appreciated. :)</p>
<p>Here's a small sample as I don't wish to share the essay publicly or pass it to others via PM:</p>
<p>"Rushing in head first, I fell in love with mathematics all over again, just as awkwardly and painfully as I had in junior high. More importantly, I had regained clarity and I had become keen to my own personal weaknesses and it was only then that I was truly able to make progress in this struggle of mine. Failure; it possesses a sort of lemony twang¬; the lemony twang that is neither too sweet nor too sour but enjoyable nonetheless— a bittersweet affair of sorts."</p>
<p>This is from the very end of the essay so I apologize if the ending seems sort of odd but it does tie in quite nicely with the beginning. :) </p>
<p>Well, the “Right” kind of essay is one that answers the prompt. The “wrong” one fails to do so.
What matters is the extent of which you use sensory details and describe who you are while answering the prompt.</p>
<p>@gibby Thanks for sharing! I broke out into the BIGGEST smile at Ms. Landesman’s recount of the student’s personal statement. I feel a little better after watching the video though a little bit of doubt still weighs on my mind. I suppose I won’t worry too much about the language of the essay, but maybe ask that my father and my other reviewers focus on whether or not they feel that: </p>
<p>a) I get my point across clearly
b) The essay is an accurate representation of myself
c) The response is thoughtful and reflective </p>
<p>Along with any other suggestions and proofreading they can offer. :)</p>
<p>@hollowdreams: That sounds about right. One other suggestion, when you have a polished essay, ask the teachers who are writing your letters of recommendation to read your essay to see if it “sounds like you.” It’s also good for them to know what your essays are about, as it can help them with their LOR’s.</p>
<p>I agree with the above posters. It’s a good start, and you really, really want to avoid cliches. There are some lines that students think are unique and special, but they aren’t. There are approaches that work better than others. </p>
<p>I personally recommend Story to College as a resource for my students - I think that it works, and the exercises are good.</p>
<p>You can email me, if you want specific feedback. I’m an AP Lit teacher, and I have no essays to grade over the summer. :)</p>
<p>There isn’t particularly a right or wrong way, and reading too many other people’s essays could even have the effect of squelching your own original instincts. However despite the video comments, there is a thing as too flowery and it isn’t considered good writing.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you don’t edit out your own voice but that you do consider a judicious edit of some of the excessive verbiage. I get the impression of a delightful writer in there, but it does seem made ponderous by being too wordy. I wouldn’t censor yourself when writing. Just use rewrite/edit, snip a word here or there. You also might find that painful cuts are necessary for word count.</p>
<p>I would just say be careful of using a lot of words without really saying anything.</p>
<p>Think about if things have to be both "awkward and painful: or if just one does it. Repeating ‘lemony twang’ become tiresome when once is interesting. The last sentence is just a reworked "failure is bittersweet "cliche, isn’t it? I’d try to avoid “of sorts”. If you had a word count issue, you could cut this almost in half and keep most of the essence. I tried it but decided it isn’t helpful to post, and there were various choices that should be yours, not mine.</p>
Thank you so much.</p>