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<p>This is good advice. Many essays can improve a lot by focusing on one or two specific events instead of being too broad. Really, you can’t cover too much in several hundred words. You want to show depth instead of breadth.</p>
<p>First paragraph: It is pretty long and all about how average you and your family are. Is that something you want to emphasize so much on? Be careful what kind of impression you leave the reader who will only spend a couple minutes on each essay with thousands to read. Also most of us live an average life. That is nothing special. It is a good paragraph but perhaps scale it back a little bit. Once you think the reader got the point, move on.</p>
<p>Second paragraph: This is an opportunity for you to shine, to “show” (don’t tell) the events that make you want to be outstanding. Expand on this and leave the reader an impression of how great you are and how great you want to be.</p>
<p>Have you seen this? It might help. I think it has some good examples of showing instead of telling and how to have more depth.
[How</a> to Write a Great College Application Personal Statement](<a href=“http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/personal.html]How”>http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/personal.html)</p>
<p>You are on to a good start and you have all summer to make it great.</p>