Is this an ok intro?

College Essays
1

<p>Just wanted some people's feedback on my opening sentence...does it "grab" your attention?</p>

<p>“You must be _<strong><em>. I’m Mr. _</em></strong>… Welcome to hell!” I shakily offered my hand to the menacingly grinning teacher, praying that I would survive this frightening year in AP U.S. History.</p>

<p>Need some comments. Thanks :).</p>

2

<p>The concept is good : dialogue; immediate threat.</p>

<p>I didn't like "shakily offered" or "menacingly grinning." Too wordy. Too many adverbs. Didn't provoke in me a sense that I hadn't read the same sort of sentence many times.</p>

<p>Maybe something like: "Was he smiling at me or was he thinking about eating me? I offered a shaky hand." (Not very different from yours, but tighter and maybe more "active.")</p>

<p>Still, your first bit does make me want to read more of your essay itself.</p>

<p>Just my opinions.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>Ah...thanks...</p>

<p>Does this sound any better?</p>

<p>“You must be <strong><em>. I’m Mr. _</em></strong>… Welcome to hell!” I offered my hand to the teacher, whose menacing grin made me pray that I would survive this frightening year in AP U.S. History.</p>

<p>Omitted adverbs and maybe a little bit of wordiness...</p>

4

<p>No the first was much better than the second.. but I like piglette's sentence the most .. the whole "welcome to hell" is quite banal! <yahoo for my SAT vocab!
Personally I like the adverbs.. good imagery... but I guess that is your decision..
Best of luck!</p>

5

<p>No the first was much better than the second.. but I like piglette's sentence the most .. the whole "welcome to hell" is quite banal! <yahoo for my SAT vocab!
Personally I like the adverbs.. good imagery... but I guess that is your decision..
Best of luck!</p>

6

<p>college_boundkrn : I like your second attempt.</p>

<p>Again, remember that your concept overall is good (grabs the reader). After that, your style is your style... So take our comments with a grain of salt.</p>

7

<p>college_boundkrn, i think both your sentences are a little to wordy. try to make it tighter, as piglette mentioned. I think you don't really even need that sentence very much - the diaglogue does enough. maybe more along the lines of:</p>

<p>“You must be _<strong><em>. I’m Mr. _</em></strong>… Welcome to hell!” I was a little suprised, I thought this was AP U.S. History.</p>

<p>but probably something better. You should go ahead and mention that it is US History in the first sentence, though...</p>