<p>If my essays started with this sentence, would you be intrigued?</p>
<p>"They always prefaced their statement with a sense of delicacy usually reserved for balancing the final slice of toast atop a mile-high Reuben sandwich."</p>
<p>No. But the admissions officer pretty much has to.</p>
<p>Why would you not read it?</p>
<p>No. I find it hard to follow. I had to read it a few times to figure it out. I’d prefer something clearer and simpler. </p>
<p>Frankly, if this were the first sentence, I’d be dreading reading the rest of the essay. I’d be fearing 500-700 words of complicated, hard-to-follow prose.</p>
<p>Maybe I don’t know enough about Reuben sandwiches (and maybe your readers won’t either), but I don’t see what is so “delicate” about putting the top piece of toast on a sandwich. However, if your essay could explain that, connect it with something personal, detailed and revealing, it could perhaps work out.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how one “prefaces” by means of a “sense”. </p>
<p>“Statement” strikes me as bland and unimaginative; I’ll bet that you could find a more precise and intriguing word.</p>
<p>You’re trying too hard to sound smart, and it just comes across as hard to follow.</p>
<p>KISS rule definitely applies here.</p>
<p>Okay, I see what you’re saying. Maybe you can help then. My topic is the experiences I’ve had with “off the record” remarks as a journalist. So would something like following sentence be more effective?</p>
<p>“They always prefaced their statement with the delicacy of a hesitant surgeon.”</p>
<p>Do you see where I’m going with this?</p>
<p>Lol, I actually prefer your first one over your second. I had no idea what you were talking about when I read your sentence for the first time, but it certainly did catch my attention and served its purpose that way. I would be intrigued enough to read the rest of your essay just to find out what you’re talking about. As long as you don’t phrase the entire essay like that, I think you’re fine. I actually really like this start to an essay because it paints an amusing but effective image; it’s just the convoluted wording that makes it confusing.</p>
<p>The only problem I have is the word “preface”, which literally means to write an introdution… maybe a different word choice?</p>
<p>Okay. So keep the same idea as the first sentence, but tighten it up a little?</p>
<p>Bump. I need a little more feed on this concept. Thanks.</p>
<p>Here’s a hook:
F<em>*ing p</em><em>sys. Those g</em><em>dam politically correct people that always qualify their claims with the delicacy of a brain surgeon. I can’t stand the lot of them. You know, when the </em> did it become wrong to say what’s really on your mind?</p>
<p>BTW, I’m being serious here.</p>
<p>Your problem here is that your telling us rather than showing us what “they” did. </p>
<p>Instead of being like “they always started their conversations delicately, saying _______”, you give us a confusing analogy. Tell us what they did, not what it was like.</p>
<p>So would simplifying the analogy work better? I don’t think this is one of the situations to pull the “admissions officers want you to show, not tell” situation. I’m leading into an essay.</p>
<p>^I agree with idk’s disagreement with fool.</p>
<p>And what’s wrong with my hook? Not only does it draw the reader in, but your writing style (at first, anyway) would support your thesis. In a way, it’s somewhat satiric. Adcoms will appreciate not only your wits, but your “stones”, as it were.</p>
<p>I could see how that could work. Or maybe my essay could be a dialogue (good journalist vs. bad journalist) that satirizes the whole subject? Is that too radical?</p>
<p>You’re either an idiot or a ball-bearer if you’re going to do that. I think the former, but…</p>
<p>i think maybe not. this sentence is somewhat too long. and a queer combination of “delicacy” and “toast”&“sandwiches.” I think you’d better not try some bizaare ideas.just write how you feel and what you think.and the colleges will understand.</p>
<p>no, definitely not. just try to avoid over-long sentences in general in your essay.
imagine the admissions office reading thousands of essays every single day, and wants your essay to be “right to the point”. they don’t have that much time or interest in hard-to-follow prose.</p>
<p>Okay. I understand the criticism.</p>
<p>Your intros are all fine as long as the rest of your essay is clear and engaging. If you’re going to use that kind of an opening line, just make sure your next few lines elaborate on it a little more and show clearly what you mean. We can’t really tell how exactly to start your essay. First of all, I don’t know how the rest of your essay is like. Secondly, each person has a unique and distinctive writing style and that’s an important part of an application essay. Write the way you think, don’t pretend and don’t change your essay too much based on other people’s criticism.</p>
<p>If I’m starting that same essay, I personally would use the sandwich analogy and then carry it on a little more like an extended metaphor, in which I depict a specific situation where someone was trying to phrase something to be politically correct with such caution or hesitation that he or she reminds you of that image that you’ve just described. I would probably describe my response to it and somehow tie it to the main point of my essay. It may be tricky, but I think it would be kind of cool if you can pull it off.</p>
<p>@xrCalico23</p>
<p>Thanks. I was going to tie in my journalistic experience with “off the record” remarks to how my proudest high school experiences cannot be documented simply by an application.</p>