Is this considered a strong essay for UC's?

College Essays
1

<p>Hey guys. This is a really rough rough rough draft for my first UC Essay. Describe the world that you come from etcetc. </p>

<p>Please give me feedback including ideas, imporvements, grammar etc. </p>

<p>Lastly, do you think it's strong? If not, what is it lacking? How can I imrpove it? Thank you VERY much!</p>

<p>I want to know if this essay is good enough for:
UCB/UCLA/UCSD/UCD/UCI</p>

<p>At the young age of eight, I began my long and difficult, yet life-changing martial arts journey when I joined the Shaolin Gung Fu program at our local Yee’s Martial Arts Academy. </p>

<p>I believe that every individual is more skilled at something. Within my class, I am the most skilled in self-defense application techniques, but the least proficient in intense-cardio exercises. My “Si-Hing”(classmate) Julian Lin is solid in intense-cardio exercises, while less proficient in self-defense application techniques. I set my goal and strived to be not only as skilled as him at cardio exercises, but even better. After martial arts class, I would dedicate hours of hard work and effort into collaborating with Julian, asking him for advice on cardio exercises. At the same time, I input my pointers on how to improve his self-defense application techniques. As a result, we both came out as stronger and more knowledgeable people. My classmates and I keep each other motivated and persistent towards our goals beyond our set goals because we know that “where there is one mountain, there will always be another that is higher” meaning that there will always be a higher goal to aspire for. This proverb helps me to humble myself and to aspire for the very absolute best, while still knowing that there is much to learn in martial arts as well, as in life.
As a result of my rigorous Shaolin Gung Fu training, I have learned that any goal is capable of being achieved with the correct mindset. Gung fu has built a type of self confidence, self discipline, and self commitment that no other sport or activity is possible of developing. I don’t dream about my future; instead, I actively take action, applying my mental and physical gung fu knowledge, every step of the way to make my thoughts, goals and dreams manifest into material things, or my future.</p>

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<p>bump it up! i really need some help guys!</p>

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<p>Er, I think you get a bit too technical until the very end when you start to actually address the prompt. I would say to be sure to really pinpoint how it has shaped you into the person you are today. Also be sure to address the part of the prompt which asks how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations. What exactly are your goals in life and how has Gung fu affected how you will approach those goals?</p>