<p>Hi, My name is Alex and I am a senior in high school and am currently applying to a number of UC's including Berkeley, Davis and LA; I have spent some time working on my essays and I could use some feedback on them, particularly the one incoming freshman have to write.
Here's the prompt:</p>
<p>Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>My essay is below, any input on what colleges look for in essays and how well mine offers what they want would be great. Thanks!</p>
<p>(the essay is below)</p>
<p>It hurts doesnt it? Your friend has climbed higher than you. He has conquered more of the mountain and is reaching for the summit while youre behind eating all the rocks and dust in his wake. What are you then compelled to do? Climb faster! Surpass him and put him in your trail. He will respond and climb higher, you will do the same, each ceaselessly trying to beat the other. Stop! Now look down. Look how far you both have made it from the ground. See how much closer you both are to the summit.
I often find myself in a climb against my peer group. Everyones trying to beat each other, attain a higher test score or finish an assignment first. Only when we stop and think do we realize that our contests have brought us all to a higher level, a win-win! That was my life at Kung Fu- going to practice every day trying to earn the next belt before my friend Jason did. This battle between us bought us our advancement in belts, and admiration.
My friend, Ian, and I both write songs in our band. We often find ourselves in a battle over whose new riff the rest of the band wants to use, or whose song sounds better. But after swallowing my pride, I look at our band as a whole; we now have a whole album of original songs that were having professionally recorded and put on iTunes.
So what do you do next when you are sitting with your friend high above the base of the mountain, finally understanding the mutual benefit of the race? Climb together! Thats what Ian and I ended up doing after such a long competitive climb; we combined our musical riffs and worked on songs as a team while tutoring each other in physics, economics and calculus in our final climb together. Only this time, it is with compassion, not competition.
Thats what you must understand when you and your friend reach the summit. Now that the great race has brought you both up here at an accelerated pace, turn to him, shake his hand, and tell him We made it, we won.</p>