<p>Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?</p>
<p>In an obscure, rather insignificant galactic filament near the upper left portion of our observable universe, there lies a seemingly trivial cluster of galaxies. Within this cosmic amalgamation lies an insipid looking barred spiral galaxy, gently swaying with its ethereal dance partner, dark matter. Near the wispy outskirts of this gyrating mass of milky stars lies a mediocre band of glowing gas, termed the Orion Arm. If given an eternity to roam this vestigial limb of the galaxy, one would eventually stumble across a homely yellow dwarf star, a middle aged maiden reminiscing upon her days of glory. And, if one was so circumspect as to sift through the many hundreds of objects racing around her elliptical track, one would be astonished to find a graceful little blue orb, termed earth.
Holistically, the Earth means nothing to the universe. Yet to those hubristic, self-worshiping earthlings, earth is all that there is. Nonetheless, I am proud to call myself a human; I inhabit this infinitesimal sphere of wonder with great honour. My consciousness knows no other habitat, therefor I must be grateful. And if I or any other was blessed with the chance to converse with the force that conceived this fecund planet, human symbols of gratitude would fall far short of our collective appreciation. Sadly many of us never fully realize the fortuity of our lives. Had the fundamental constants that govern our known universe differed by so much as fraction, we would cease to exist. And for this, amongst a plethora of reasons, the mere existence of life is meaningful to me.
It matters not what I do or in which manner I do it, I will still exist within the domain of Gaia’s lovely haven. And when the time comes and my consciousness must be put to rest, I know that my relationship with this earth shall not cease to exist, as I will become the breath of a future generation or perhaps the energy of its softly glowing star. </p>
<p>I would agree. But the last thing I want to do is write a typical “I did this and I was active in this organization…” type of essay that the colleges are used to seeing all the time. I’m hoping the essay will warrant at least an eyebrow raise, whether it be for good or bad reasons.</p>
<p>I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t hope that my essay raise eyebrows for bad reasons. You don’t have to write about involvement in anything. Try writing about an experience you had, how you reacted, and how it affected you. Maybe it just gave you a different outlook on something? Maybe the experience was mundane, but in retrospection it allowed you to understand something new? Perhaps the experience will be one that the colleges have seen before, but the lens through which you view it, the way you analyze it, and the meaning you attach to it will be personal to you. I think that’s what they want, you. </p>
<p>Firstly, I wouldn’t post your essay publicly like this, if I were you. Secondly, the essay sounds contrived. The reader can tell that you’re trying to come off as “deep” and “unique”. The essay read like a mystery novel at first, and the shift to your mother’s condition was too abrupt to emotionally resonate like it should. You might be overthinking this a bit. Try taking a step back and looking at the prompts again.</p>
<p>The parts are individually pretty cool, but altogether it’s something of a jumble. The fact that the first paragraph is so bloated without giving personal details is an overall detraction. There are times where being flowery is alright, but colleges want substance because that’s what they have to judge you – it can’t all just be aesthetics.</p>
<p>If you dropped this in the middle of a hallway without your name on it, and someone who knew you pretty well found it, would they be able to know that it’s yours? That’s the standard you should use when writing personal essays - an admissions officer actually said it:<a href=“https://www.khanacademy.org/college-admissions/applying-to-college/Admissions-essays/v/writing-a-strong-college-admissions-essay”>https://www.khanacademy.org/college-admissions/applying-to-college/Admissions-essays/v/writing-a-strong-college-admissions-essay</a>
Honestly, I don’t know a single person who thinks like this, or sounds like this, and I haven’t learned a thing about you as a person, which is what colleges what to know when they read your essay. If you’re interested in space, is there a specific experience that you can pinpoint as a cause or an example of your interest? Have you ever been a “geek” in public about space? Has it affected what you do in your spare time, or what you like to talk about? When you come up with a different essay, don’t post it directly on to CC, or someone could plagiarize it. Post a thread and PM people who are interested in reading it. </p>
<p>Here’s what a Brown admissions officer told me about writing my essay: “Write about you. Write about you with words you know. Don’t use the word “erudite” to sound erudite.” It feels like half the words in this essay are the equivalent of you using erudite to sound erudite. The best way to make your essay stand out is to write about something so unique to you in your unique voice that nothing else sounds like it. This is definitely not that. Here’s another thing: admissions officers admit people they think are likable. They admit people they’d want to have a conversation with. Honestly, reading this, my first thought was “Wow, this kid thinks he’s all that. I bet he’s the kind of person who treats everyone else like they are idiots compared to him.” That’s not the vibe you want to give admissions officers. I’m not saying you are that kind of person. I don’t know you. I’m saying that’s the kind of person you are presenting in this essay.</p>
<p>Thanks guys. Just a bit of experiementation. I definitely don’t want to sound like a stuck-up brat. I’m gonna have to tone my vocab way down. I tend to use more obscure words in place of basic ones sometimes because I have learned them recently and want to test them out, or because I like the way they sound. I don’t intentionally crack open a thesaurus and pick out prententious sounding words. </p>
<p>Honestly? It sounds like you took some Carl Sagan quotes, gave them a Douglas Adams type of spin, and looked for a ton of complicated words in a thesaurus. Regardless of how it reads purely for its own sake, it says absolutely nothing about -you- or why you should be considered as a good candidate. </p>
<p>It’s interesting purely on its own. But as an admissions essay it comes across as trying way too hard to be deep, and does so at the expense of being real. </p>
<p>It’s not necessarily meant to be astronomically accurate. That’s a good question though. I could state any position and it could be technically correct, as long as the reference frame is not specified. </p>