<p>Any feedback on whether this is a good response for the short answer would be great. It's about tennis, what I picked up last year: </p>
<p>I have no idea what I was thinking that day, the day I decided to try tennis and join the Varsity team. I was oblivious, not even knowing how the scoring worked.</p>
<p>I practiced daily, and the thrill made me want to play more, even after losing. The neon ball was special to me. The more times I slammed the spinning ball over the net, the better I became, soon shocking the coaches with my ability. The more effort I put into hitting the ball, the better the shot turned out to be. It’s like math-but in real life. </p>
<p>Boing, pop, boing. Each time I hit the ball, adrenaline rushes through every corner of my body. Each time I hit the ball, it bashes the paint in a different spot. Each swing of the racket creates new life for the ball. Fusing these elements creates-to me-a sport that is incredible.</p>
<p>Tennis taught me two important life lessons: dedicated practice converts into improvement, and stronger efforts translate into better results. Why didn’t I try tennis sooner?</p>
<p>its a good essay, but I didn’t really get a clear message, it seemed choppy, no offense. Try making it a little more clear and it goes from good to great.</p>
<p>Kinda cliche. The second paragraph is all over the place. You have four separate ideas in that paragraph (willing to play after losing, why/how it was special, your coaches being “shocked”, and practicing making you better), and none of them are made clear. And the tone of the answer is not consistent throughout.</p>
<p>Right now about half of it describes you physically hitting the ball. The adcoms already know what tennis is, I would take out all/most of the sentences about “slamming the ball” or whatever and highlight something else. Pick the most valuable lesson you learned from tennis and expand on that.</p>
<p>I now understand why my first version was so abstract. So, I edited it and focused on one thing I learned from tennis. Could you let me know if this version is any better? I just feel like it’s kind of boring and that it needs something to make it stand out. It stands at 998 characters right now haha. Thanks</p>
<p>I have no idea what I was thinking on the day I decided to try tennis and join the Varsity team. I was oblivious, I didn’t even know how the scoring worked. </p>
<p>So, I practiced daily, and surprisingly the thrill left me wanting more, even after losing. I tested out several methods of slamming the ball-giving it new life-discovering what was best. Fusing what I learned over time, I started moving up the ranks. The coaches, even I, were shocked at how much I had improved during the season. Yet I still practiced, even in the crisp air of twilight after practice. I was hungry for improvement.</p>
<p>As the unimaginable season with my new friends ended, I didn’t just realize that people should try new activities. The most important thing I learned from tennis was that no matter how inexperienced one is, dedicated practice will always translate into vast improvement.</p>
<p>The season ended, but my passion for tennis did not. Today, I still make sure to find time to practice, to prepare for next season.</p>
<p>Sorry for all the posts, but here’s another version that’s slightly altered, any feedback is appreciated. I still feel like it doesn’t say much about what I learned though: </p>
<p>When I signed up for the Varsity Tennis team, I didn’t even know how the scoring worked, and I got made fun of by the best players.</p>
<p>So, I practiced daily, determined to show them I was not bad, and surprisingly the thrill left me wanting more. Hitting a ball back and forth may seem easy but it wasn’t for me. Fusing what I learned, I slowly started moving up the ranks. Yet I still practiced, even in the crisp air of twilight after practice. I was still hungry for improvement. I wanted to prove them wrong. Soon enough, I challenged and beat one of the best, leaving the coaches in shock. The season ended, but my new passion for tennis did not.</p>
<p>During the season’s experiences, I learned many lessons, such as the importance of perseverance in the sweltering practices of early summer. But the most important lesson was that no matter how inexperienced one is, dedicated practice will always translate into vast improvement, a key to success.</p>
<p>I can’t wait to show them how much I’ve improved this summer.</p>
<p>I like aspects of both. I would take the first one, and incorporate elements of the second to enhance it a little. The second is good, but the opening bit sort of sounds like you were bullied (even though I know what you meant) and I didn’t really like the overall message. But the second one is phrased better IMO. Use the first sentence of the second one, take out “and…players” and maybe add a second sentence for your intro. Then in the main paragraph bit, I think you should use a different verb than “practiced” because you say “practice” again in the same sentence and twice more after that. Change unimaginable to a different adjective, it’s hard to tell what you mean. But I like that you said “new friends” it makes the writing sound much friendlier than “I got made fun of” and “I challenged and beat one of the best.”</p>
<p>Thanks napalm that was really helpful. I took into account what you said and made what I hope is one of the last-if not the last edit of this. Let me know what you think! I’ll be sure to help you in return when you have concerns.</p>
<p>When I signed up for the Varsity Tennis team, I didnt even know how the scoring worked. Some laughed, but the sport seemed unique-I couldnt miss out.</p>
<p>So, I practiced daily, and surprisingly the thrill left me wanting more, even after losing. I tested out several methods of smashing the neon ball, discovering what worked best. Fusing what I learned over time, I started moving up the ranks. The coaches, and those who originally laughed at me, were shocked at how much I had improved during the season. Yet I was still hungry for improvement, so I kept training, even in the crisp air of twilight after matches. I wanted to go further.</p>
<p>During the seasons events with my new friends, I learned many lessons like the importance of teamwork and trying new things. But the most important lesson was that perseverance will translate into vast improvement. Always.</p>
<p>The season did end, but my passion for tennis did not. Today, I still make sure to find time to practice, to prepare for next season.</p>
<p>I think the essay is fine. It suffers only mildly from a tendency most applicants have to try to “adultify” or formalize their writing, which often makes the writing seem deliberate, removed and less personal. If you read really good adult essay writers it is amazing how their writings read so effortlessly.</p>
<p>A few specific comments:</p>
<p>I think the purpose of the essays, particular the shorter ones, is merely for the AO to see that the applicant can write well. Topic is really secondary. An essay about the color of the tennis ball is fine if it’s written well. So your topic is fine.</p>
<p>More importantly, however, I think it’s crucial to make sure that your essay does not leave the AO asking “why …?” In your case, the immediate questions that come to my mind are:
Why are you interested in tennis if you know nothing about it?
How is it that you made the Varsity team if you had never played?
What drove you to practice daily?
The thrill of what?
Why were you hungry for improvement?</p>
<p>Also, I think generalizations like learning “teamwork and trying new things” are fine if the experiences described in the essay lead up to those conclusions, but they seem like a bit of a leap in your essay. If you address the questions I raised above, I think you will find a conclusion that flows more naturally.</p>
<p>Flyingeagle - Please don’t misinterpret the size of this comment for criticism. You write well, and if you used the essay as written you would be fine. I am just trying to point out a few things that might make it excellent.</p>
<p>@alloutforivy thanks for all that info, i really appreciate it. yeah i will address those questions-it is just difficult to with the 1000 character limit, but i’ll try my best to. I’ll repost my next edit to see if it’s any better. but thanks a lot!</p>
<p>I made another draft! Haha my dad thought this one was a lot better so hopefully you guys do too: </p>
<p>When I signed up for the school tennis team, I was clueless as to how the scoring worked, but I wanted to try a new sport.</p>
<p>In hopes of reaching Varsity, I practiced daily, and surprisingly the thrill of chasing the ball left me wanting more. I made mistakes, but discovered what worked best, while receiving support and tips from my teammates. Consequently, I gradually improved and soon moved up from JV to Varsity. The coaches, plus those who initially laughed at me, were shocked at how much I improved over the spring. Yet I still craved improvement, I wanted to see how good I could get. Neither the sun’s rays nor sore muscles could stop me from training.</p>
<p>During the eventful season with my new friends, I learned many lessons like the importance of supporting teammates and perseverance. But the most important lesson was that practice does lead to improvement. Always.</p>
<p>The season did end, but my passion for tennis did not. Today, I still find time to practice, to prepare for the spring.</p>